what a difference a day makes :-)

Cos today was good. yeah... today was pretty great! I feel like i pushed myself to do things i was struggling with only the other day. Its the right kindof shift, please GOD let this be the moment where i can fully embrace recovery and let go of the control i still clutch so close to me.....

The day started off with my breakfast, which i had while reading blogs :-) i wake up pretty early on school days. 6am roughly... i get up, brush my teeth and then spend about 25mins doing my stretches/strength exercises. Stupid compulsive exercises that i love to hate and hate to love. GRR! i DO love them, i love the way they make me feel. but i hate that they rule my life so rigidly... i just wish i could be relaxed about them, like do them when i WANT to cos i do like doing it, but i hate that i feel forced to do it evvvvvery day without rest. i worry cos i read that your body needs rest in between doing strength type things and that if you train your muscles everyday that it is actually worse for them...?? but then again, at my weight do i even HAVE muscles!?! probably not. damn my obsession with having a rock hard stomach. Yeah i have it, but its not all that... it still bloats out like a pregnant belly whenever it feels like it and it certainly doesnt look so hot with scrawny hollow arms, a deflated flat-sack bum and wimpy stick legs. Boooo. Oh wait, this was supposed to be my positive day, wasnt it?! AHEM, riiiight! back on track peeps.

Yeah, so at about half six i shower and get dressed and make breakfast (chopped plum with oats and cereal mixed with seeds & soy milk) i leave it for about 20mins so it gets all soaked up and mushy... Mmm its so good!) i have been trying to make up my calorie target for breakfast too, so i had a snack bag of granola too, i NEVER would have done that before, but im taking the initiative to make sure i get enough on the days when im not in the unit and being crammed with toast!! :-)

At 8am i left the casa, walked to work... which was glorious this morn cos it was warm and the sun was out. i LOVE early morning walking when its fresh and you have the whole day ahead of you. it clears my head and afterwards im ready to face the madness that is school. When i get to school i potter about getting stuff ready and then we have line-up and form time before lessons start at 9am.

This morning i had a lovely year 9 group, who are such sweeties. they are doing ink work at the moment, using tin-foil on cardboard images and then inking over it and rubbing back some of the dry ink to get a rusted effect.... there was tinfoil, glue and ink everywhere!!! fun tho... we had some french exchange pupils in today, only one in that class but the next lesson (drama with year 8) i had about ten of them!! now the drama room isnt huge anyways, but fill it with a large group of 12-13yr olds all showing off to the "new" french kids, recipe for mayhem. I did NOT enjoy this lesson... too much teenage hormone for one room!

Other lessons were pretty uneventful, altho cos it was the last day for year 11's before they start their GCSE's next week, there were a few pranks to watch out for. Two of the most annoying being tipping fairy liquid all down some outside metal steps, so the whole thing was a slippery trip hazard (the bubbles when the caretakers cleaned up tho were epic!) then a really nasty one, putting some dead eels in the ceiling vent in one of the classrooms. Urghhhh!! luckily i wasnt teaching in that building, but i heard it was pretty "pungent"!!! Anyways, they've gone now, so hopefully next week things will be a bit quieter... the "do not disturb- exams in progress" signs should see to that!!

So another crazyday here! But i still managed to push myself to eat more. I usually have a big cereal bar at morning snack and then dont have one at lunch, taking fruit instead... but today i swapped one in!!! I had my sandwich (homemade ham salad baguette. WHITE baguette!! it was a small one, but still its major progress for the girl who would only eat rye bread once in a blue moon) then a packet of WALKERS crisps (im totally nailing the "normal" crisps now, i rarely have the "light" ones anymore) and then instead of a piece of fruit like i normally would choose, i had a bar!!! oh yeeeeeah :-) i didnt even restrict to having less for afternoon snack either, i just ate a yummy flapjack. WOOPWOOP!!! now i just have to tackle the dinners.... even if i cant change the actual MEAL yet, i can add more bits in, one thing at a time eh!?

Tomo i head upto london for the mumatrons weekend celebrations. She's not actually there till tomo eve, cos she's going off to some fair or something, meh! but i think im gonna head up and mooch about london anyways. my sis shud be about, she fell off her moped AGAIN this morning and my mum had to take her to A&E. i know i shud probs be full of sympathy, but i dont think its that bad... i swear she is the worst driver ever, she kindof brings it upon herself :-p Case in point, this has gotta be the millionth time she's fallen off her bike and probs the 10th time she's gone "booo hooooooo, i must be BROKEN, i better go to A&E and sit for hours for them to tell me i have a sprained ankle and to go home and rest" i mean, people are seriously injured in there folks! The most she's ever come out with is a tubi-grip... But boy does she milk it! she is such a drama queen!!!!

This weekend im gonna make a concious effort to try and keep challenging myself, even tho i know it might be hard up there. We are going to that yummy spanish tapas place for sunday lunch. Scary, cos i dont like eating a big meal at lunch... but i WILL do it. and the food is amazing, so i will damn well enjoy it too! Plus, since im staying at the my sis's i cant do my stretches, which is good. cos im getting fed up with them anyways! i was thinking today as i walked home, that normal people dont DO this kindof obsessive routine everyday. they mite do some yoga once or twice a week and thats it! IF THAT!! so i figure im gonna try and go cold turkey, i tried cutting down and it just makes me feel like i want to do more on the days i dont do it... So im gonna do my yoga routine tomo and then see if i can do NO STRETCHING through the week, instead only do yoga once or twice a week instead. one on the weekend, when i have time and then one "whenever" one sometime during the week. but NOT on a specific day... im too bloody ruled by rigid routines as it is! i want to be flexible and spontaneous.

Now before i set something that is VERY hard for me in stone... im not saying that i will be able to do this. i dont want to set myself up for failure and then feel so bad that i have to resort to ED behaviours to feel okay again. No ta! but i do wanna give it a damn good shot! I just keep thinking about summer and how close its getting. i still dont feel comfortable with my body and i know i havent gained what i shud have. yes it takes time... but how long?!?! im getting tired of it now...

 i wanna enjoy my summer!!!!