ink-smudged

Afternooooooooon Moon!

Its been another fun day at work for me :-) I swear the more im away from work, the more i appreciate how good it is when i AM there. sure, a job is still a job (its not called a "holiday" now is it?!) but it beats sitting around on the unit all day, like i was over Easter break... at least now i only have two days in the unit, i can feel like im actually doing something with my life! altho there are days when i feel like i cant be arsed and wouldnt it be nice to just sit and wallow in my anorexia all day like the others do. but NO! thats not me, and i know i certainly wouldnt like to have my whole existence revolve around my ED. no sir-ee... its hard cos some of the people on the unit really have ONLY got anorexia in their lives. they've gone from hospital to hospital, IP to OP, never quite recovering enough to make a life for themselves beyond the anorexia. Its sad, really it is. i dont ever want to slip into that trap... i know i still have a life outside of this. but that doesnt mean i can get complacent or stop trying or pushing or working to get things back to how i want them to be... how they SHOULD be.... 

i want more from life :-)

Anyways, today was pretty chill. I had two groups of year 7's and two groups of juniors. no stress.... with the year 7's i decided it was time to get abit messy! So since most of them had finished building the frames we'd been making last term, i picked a group of eager ones and set up a printing area. they freaking LOVED it! i mean, they are 11year old boys, of course they love getting inks and rollers out and doing something practical, i love it too! its part of why i love being an Art teacher!! But it DOES take patience, planning and preparation. If i dont think a group are ready, i wont do it... cos believe me, when it goes wrong, it REALLY goes tits up! We're talking mess, chaos and ruined work. Hmm, not on my watch kids!!! they have to earn the chance to do this stuff. when they show me they can be sensible and mature with their work and the equipment they use, THEN they reap the rewards!!! (haha, i sound like such a control-freak meany!) seriously, tho... its important! otherwise they never learn the importance of being careful with their work. OK lesson over, ill stop preaching! :-p

Other than that, i just got my cover work prepped for my absence tomo and went into town for a bit to got my lunch: m&s wrap, a packet salt & vinegar crisps & an orange. Its not enough to match my unit lunches. but im still trying to work my way up after what was an epic mess-up this weekend :-(

I dont want to go over what went down TOO much, cos im trying to move past it and not dwell on the bad things. but i will say that my eating has not been good. Going back to the unit yesterday showed me the consequences to my restrictions... we had weigh-ins and despite my jump in weight last week, id managed to lose quite a significant amount over the weekend :-s oh deeeeear. Well what can i say, i was silly... i freaked out and i let my anorexia take control of the situation instead of facing up to the fact that i had a bad weekend. I let the ED take away the worry and the stress and comfort me in the sickest way possible... by giving in and restricting my food. BAD BAD BAD.

Anyways, i fell for the old ED lies and im not proud of it. but then again, im not perfect... i have struggles and sometimes i cant cope. But that sure as hell doesnt mean i wont get back up, dust myself off and give it another shot. 

So here i am. I was back at the unit yesterday, working to get back on the MP. And today, ive been at work so ive been sticking to a set routine to try and make life easier on myself in terms of meeting my meals and snacks. im trying, but my GOD its hard.... its so not worth dropping the cals and ignoring food, cos now i have to get back to the MP and eat more and it is 10 x harder.... every bite makes me feel bad. foods and snacks i was eating no probs before are now scary again. In fact, just eating more is scary again. GAH! i am pretty sure that alot of the drop in weight was water, so i reckon tomo at weigh-in i shud be back up to what i was last week, urgh... maybe even more??? I really hope my body doesnt react to this blip by clinging onto every calorie ive given it and therefore shooting my weight up high, i dont want to deal with the added stress of "whys it done that!!!" again right now. I guess i cant be choosy tho. I made this mess, i have to deal with it :-( 

Either way, i CANNOT let myself restrict to compensate. i have to let my body settle... i cant change whats happened, but i can let it try and get back to a place where it trusts me and doesnt think that i will mess with it again (at least ill try!) Cos this is what i was so scared about... my lack of consistency has always been a big deal for me. But now i worry that if i dont eat enough, then my body will go back into starvation mode and suddenly puff out and make my weight skyrocket up without giving me time to adjust. I know its probably an irrational fear... but a fear is still a fear!

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? 

Or even any experience you can share to reassure me that i AM doing the right thing?? 

Do you think my weekend blip will have a big effect if i get back to eating what i was before as soon as possible? Or is it better to "phase" back up to the full amount?? I dont wanna waste time beating around the bush (and potentially, playing to the ED) xbut i also dont want to f*ck with my metabolism any more than i already have!!!

Let me know your thoughts... 

im all ears!