last day of the free week

Boooo, I cant believe this week has gone already...

I know ive fitted alot in and my to-do list has a few solid "ticks" on it. But i STILL feel like i have heaps to do!! Its like the list that keeps on growing, everytime i get one thing done - another thing gets added :p Altho its not as bad as my friends list, we compared today and hers is waaaay longer than mine!

I think id like mine more if it were cute like this one!

In fact, when we talked through our daily lives, she rarely has a free hour when she doesnt have something that she has to do. i feel bad for her... I thought she was just hard to pin down, but it would appear that she GENUINELY has no free time to socialise! so i felt pretty chuffed that she'd given the whole of today to me. Yayers!

But of course, that still meant the day involved getting alot of other things done at the same time...! This is a girl who could multitask for Britain!! So... it started off by me walking over to hers for 10am (she lives just round the corner, which is handy since i was not up for an early early morning) But it had to be reasonably early so that we could go and turn-out her horse in the field for the day. But, 10am is an approx... as i well know by now - this friend is NEVER on time!haha. So when i got there, i had some time to chill, while she ate her breakfast and got her shizz together. 

the horsies...

Then we went off, did the horse... lamented the fact that altho the weather had forecast a day of SCORCHIO sunshine, it was certainly taking its sweet time showing up... it was pretty chilly outside! but it perked up by the time we got back to hers and so we sat in the garden and chatted (yup, i SAT outside and just lazed and chatted... like normal people do! like i was so jealous of those people doing the other day! woopwoop!!) She had some crumpets for lunch and i had my snack and we shared some cherries in the sun and it was lovely :)

Then we got down to business... our day plan was to do some girly pampering/beauty maintenance (cos you can hardly call a wax, pampering!) But she needed help doing her legs and so asked me... with all my waxing experience. HA!!! it was strangely therapeutic tho, especially since i felt none of the pain! Still, i got the job done pretty darn well i think... and she was happy cos the wax strips were way cheaper than paying £20 at a salon.... Result!

We were going to dye my hair too, but since i hadnt realised i had to wait 48hours to do a patch test etc, we bailed out and i think i might have to try and do it on my own (eek!) But either way, im gonna wait till i have more time... no point rushing it and ending up with a big old mess.

So it was a fab day of hanging out and chatting... going through some of our issues (she struggles with OCD and other bits, so we can relate to each others struggles) and it always helps me, when i see her. I talked to her about my recent thinking about going on anti-anxiety meds, so that i can try and just get past the stress i feel when i try to change things up and recover properly... cos im fed up with this stop start stop start not getting anywhere thing. I only have 4months till i go and i am ready for change! So that was good to have advice on.... then just general girly stuff :)

It was helpful to see how she was in a day setting. Cos we hang out, but its never usually just chilling for a whole day. So to see her being relaxed about not doing MASSES of activity (shes active when she does the horse, but thats enough for her!) and eating (she had a packet of crisps as a snack and then said "ooh, thats made me hungry now" so had some leftover cake from her fiancee's bday at the weekend TOO...!!) it helps me to see that it IS normal to do that and she wasnt "pretending" when she said she enjoys treats every day (i hate that i have such issues with trusting and believing that its ok for me too, not just for other people....)

It was red velvet cake, which apparently is ONLY different cos of the red food dye?!

And that was today! Now im home, phew... and about to make some dinner. 

A full day, but a fun one! its nice to be out and about instead of sitting at home, generally hating being at home and so forcing myself out to walk/be active on my own. Its not a great way to pass the time and it doesnt do me or my headspace any favours.

Sooo, tomo there is a beer festival in town which i might tag along too with some of the gang... I dont drink, but im still trying to be more social. And hey, soft drinks arent all bad :p

espesh now they have NAMES on them!

 there's never a clem tho :(

And After All... 

i want to make the most of the weekend before its back to work on Monday!

Enjoy your weekend everyone 

xxx

weekend

So as promised...

Here are a few piccys from my weekend :)

It kicks off with the beeeeeeyootiful walk me and the poochums took along the river to get to the location of the vintage fair...

walk....

sniff....

and SMILE!!!

aaaaand a smile from me too.... :)

LOOKY! a swan!

turning into the woodland bit...

pretty shadows...

and a DAWG

It was such a perfect day to be outside... sunny but with a slight breeze. In fact, it was so nice that we did it again yesterday too! And since its now turned grey and the skies are threatening to rain all over today, i think we DEF made the right decision! (even if it did mean i probs walked a little too much. Especially considering im trying to be less active. urhhhhh)

But ANYWAYS... continuing on! So when we arrived, the fair was already up and running. Altho its fair to say that in this sleepy riverside village, there wasnt a whole lot of action going down! There were people wandering about and a few stopped to do some perusing (but most of the folks were chilling in the riverside pub!) So i wasnt exactly the standard of trade that the mothership is used to with her london fairs... But it was fun :)

somewhat "car-boot-sale" esque!!!

And it gave mum a chance to sort through some of her stock and generally get some of the things done that she would probs have been doing at home anyways... So she was happy enough (altho tired, as usual...) i was pleased cos it gave me a chance to sit outside in the sunshine and soak up some vitamin D!!!

hairface

squinty mac-squintums

ooh, whats over THERE?!

Soooo it was a good weekend... mum did some work, I allowed myself to SIT and chill out (which i would have found very hard to do at home) So it was all good. Altho i did find myself abit triggered on the Sunday... I think it was seeing people out and about, enjoying their weekend off and not having a care in the world. They were just having fun - sitting in the sun, drinking, eating and generally doing all the things i dont allow myself to do :( 

Its still very hard for me to change and it upsets me to know that the only person that is STOPPING me from doing all these things, is ME. Even though i know i am perfectly entitled to do whatever the hell i WANT to do with my own life... I still worry that i must be "different" to other people, that i dont deserve to do those nice things... that i dont have the right to be happy. I have to earn it. I have to somehow warrant the right to eat decadent things or to chill out and not be active by doing something hard or painful or punishing... But its not true. I should be free to enjoy life instead of feeling punished by it. This is why I think I dont like sitting around at home, cos it makes me feel too lazy.... But thats not normal, its ok to be at home and getting bits and bobs done with no SET purpose. So its something im trying to challenge myself with today. I talked with the mothership lastnight about how changes need to happen if im to get anyweher NEAR breaking free of these routines by the time i leave for Oz, so today i decided to really step up my game and NOT make excuses for my ED. 

So far so good, I woke up early and took the pooch out with the mumster for a short walk, which was a challenge in itself - cos when i wak, i want to WALK. and i cant do that with mum... so when we got back, i had to sit with those feelings of anxiety and guilt for not doing a "proper" walk. It was hard, but i made sure i stuck by her and distracted myself by babbling away and random shizz to take my mind of the thoughts in my head and to stop me from going and doing my usual abs stretches in my room... Challenge COMPLETED. I have moved past those feelings and im now trying to keep focused on having my breakfast at a decent time and then filling the day with non-active distractions... I know mum wants to get busy with her paperwork, so ive set about some tasks to do myself... those pesky reports wont write themselves! But i have also asked if we can go on some "out of the house" errands after meals so that i am not sitting at home thinking about food and exercise.

So the plan is:

Brekkie, trip to the supermarket, home.

Lunch, trip to mums old shop to drop off some stuff, take dog to the beach (for a 15minute MUM walk)

Paperwork at home, tea (mums friend is coming round) Yoga class (cant really be arsed, but i didnt go lastweek cos i was sick) home, Dinner and evenin chill out.

DONE!!! i can handle everything once it gets to the evening... evenings are my happy chill-time. its the days that stress me out... all that empty time and food that i know i must eat but dont like to have (lunch and snacks)

But ive gotta keep telling myself - 

if those changes are gonna happen 

i need to MAKE them happen.....

No stress :)

Well people, its a beautiful morning, the sun is out and i have a week off work for half term....

Its safe to say ive got a grin on my face 

on my FACE not my feeeeeeet!

:-)

Ahhh... I feel peaceful today, im going to walk the dog along the river to the little village where my mum is running a stall at a vintage fair in a bit...  cos i said id help her out. But weirdly, I dont feel the urge to rush and power-walk there. I dont feel like i have to get worked up about time and then hurry and stress and panic, like i normally do in the mornings. I just feel OK with things... God knows how long that will last!!! But maybe, just maybe...

NOPE, im not gonna say anything else! i dont wanna jinx this happy vibe :p Im just gonna go about my day and not over-think it. Overthinking is my biggest vice, i can literally turn a good thing into a problem within the space of a few seconds. Its not one of my best qualities!

Soooo, ive said id help out at the fair today and tomo - despite the fact that it might be hella boring (mum says there arent many people there yet) and i might end up just sitting around all day (HA, take that anorexia!) Im kindof excited to just go down there and chill, y'know... to not have to worry about getting stuff ready for work or to fill the time by going walking or "doing" something. In fact, the idea of not having to worry about doing ANYTHING will be a pleasant change!! Im even getting a lift with the mumatron tomo, so i wont be walking either... Yup. this week is about relaxation and NO unnecessary exercise!! (today im walking cos its sunny and mum left at 7:30am to set up... do you blame me? i didnt fancy a 7am wakeup call on my lie-in day thankyou muchly!) 

So yeah, a week off to try and get my chill-face on. My lovely recovery friend has accepted the challenge of helping me to put together a "week-off" plan, so that i have some structure for my time without the usual routine of work. Hopefully that will help keep me on track and also allow me to push myself a bit with food and activity. I really struggle with empty time and holidays are prime anorexic time for me, as i dont have to eat at set times and i have all this empty time that needs to be filled (with walking...) Which is 100% NOT what i want for this holiday! So finding activities that will keep me occupied while not being too physical is a must! Then hopefully when i go back to work next week, ill be in a good position to chill out abit more... Cos, lukcily i CAN chill out at work abit now! We've reached the midway point in the summer term, so its pretty much easy riding from here! We've had the big scary inspection, we've had exam week... I just have to write up the pupils reports now and then its all downhill till we break up and i LEAVE!!! 

And speaking of leaving... THIS GIRL BOOKED HER FLIGHTS YESTERDAY!!!! so its all done, im going to Oz. The flights are booked and the money has been removed from my bank account (eeeek!) It still hasnt really sunk in, but thats probably cos there's a whole lot to get through in the next 4months before i go! I have to finish up at work, i have to find and work a summer job (this one is hopefully almost sorted) And the biggie...? i have to gain and maintain some decent weight (id like to gain at least a stone...) and to do that, i also have to let go of alot of things so that i can feel comfortable setting off on what could be the adventure of my life!

do other peoples adventures involve grinding coffee on a woodland cliff?!

So... not much then eh?! 

haha.

Either way, im not gonna stress about stuff right now. Ive worried and panicked enough over the last few years to last me a lifetime... well im ready to be STRESS-free for a while. And while that might mean i have to be a little selfish at times, well thats what i have to do. Ive been people-pleasing for far too long... its time to try and learn how to CLEM-please for a change!!

So off i go... ready to live my day! 

ahh, if only my day included a room full of balloons...

Have a lovely "rest-of-the-weekend" everyone and I will be back with some picturoos and an update on my hypnotherapy sesh from the other day. I do want to talk about it properly, so dont worry... i havent forgotten!!

just to let you know....

Hahaha! Yup, I kicked that stomach virus to the kerb you guys... BAM! and im back on full clemmy form. And weirdly, feeling super alive and vibrant considering just a day ago i honestly felt (and looked!) like death warmed up :s

I suppose thats the joy of being ill,  the getting better! Cos when you ARE better - you damn well know about it! i almost wanna just sing and dance and shout "Yay! im not stuck in bed being sick and poorly anymore! lets Partaaay" :p

Sadly, since its a thursday - the partying will have to wait in favour of another day at work. But hey... im sure the kids appreciated the much chirpier me today! Yesterday i was NOT a happy teacher, so i dont blame them for being wary...! but less of that eh. Yesterday was the past, Today is the present and Tomorrow.... is FRIDAY!!! and the official start to my week off for half term. woopwoop!

It makes me think tho, about how i could feel if i let myself fully recover from this nasty eating disorder that takes so much from my life. I mean, if i feel this good about overcoming a 48hour stomach bug, then how good could i feel about getting better from a 6year battle with anorexia? I read about how amazing people say recovery is and how you learn so much about yourself and appreciate your friends and family and well, LIFE so much more.... i long for that feeling so much.

Then go and DO IT, you're probably screaming - right??? I wish it were that simple. Its like it almost seems to "easy" to just EAT, REST and RECOVER. I mean, there must be a catch? It cant just be there for the taking. I feel like i wouldn't be entitled to a happy anorexia-free life. Somehow i'd mess it up, or i wouldnt get that freedom - id still be trapped in this horrible mindset, just in a larger body. 

I dont know... It goes round and round in my head like a carousel on repeat. 

How...? 

What if...? 

"But..." 

I really want to stop procrastinating, but my head is still firmly on that thought-rollercoaster... So many Questions, so many Doubts.... 

I guess the one thing i DO know is that unless i try, ill never find out...

Soooo on that note - ill leave you with the notion of change. 

Is change something you can control? 

or do you need an outside influence to enforce that change? 

This evening i have my first hypnotherapy session... Im pretty nervous, but very excited to see what changes could be brought about from this opportunity. I know that i am open to change, in fact i fully embrace it, in the knowledge that i do WANT to get better. I really hope this could be a way of unblocking the barriers in my head that prevent me from recovering....

So,

Wish me LUCK!!!

OHHH..... no

So today is the first day of the inspection at work.... 

i hope its going well.

Sadly i wouldnt know, because

IM STUCK IN BED WITH A VOMITING STOMACH BUG 

:(

Uhhhh you guys, this is SO not fun. id actually prefer to be at work having someone observe and critique my lessons right now, if it meant i didnt have to feel like this. I HATE being ill, im just no good at it... i get frustrated and try to get up and get on with things - which makes me feel worse and then i hate that i feel worse but its my own fault so i hate that too!!! 

i also HATE that im letting down my fellow teachers who no doubt have to cover my classes at work and lets not forget to mention that my anorexia HATES HATES HATES that i am lying about in bed doing sweet FA.

Bleurgh.

So it all came on yesterday... i was feeling abit iffy in the afternoon but i assumed it was just my usual tummy troubles and tried to just get on with it. But when i got home, it was clar that i wasnt feeling so hot. I couldnt face the sight of food and the thought of getting up once id laid down on my bed seemed like way to big of an effort... so i lay. and i hoped that it would pass.

But it didnt. 

it got worse.

My stomach literally ballooned swollen and i was getting some very funky noises and spasms coming from it. (still am :s) I felt like my stomach was going to split open - seriously, i wondered if maybe there was a little food alien in there that was going to burst out. i almost wished there was!! 

After writhing about for what seemed like hours, with my mama checking on me every so often... i cracked. Aaaaand to save those who are squeamish from ever visiting my blog again - ill just save when you have a stomach upset like this... it doesnt leave you with much pride! im just glad the mothership was there to mop my feverish brow, altho i feel bad - it being her first night back at home for over a week! OH well, thats what mothers are for. right?!

Anyways. a few nasty sickbowls later - i managed to get some sleep. This morning i was fully intending to go into work for the inspection, till mum told me (in no uncertain terms) to get my bony ass back into bed - i wasnt going anywhere!

Im kindof grateful for that, cos i am still a hot mess. my stomach, altho settling abit (i have managed to eat some porridge and drunk many mugs of mint tea sweetened with spoonfuls of honey) its still very sore and im a wobbler on the occasions that i do try and make it to the bathroom... even moving over in bed makes me feel sick. So not the best recipe for trying to go to work!

I just hope to GOD that i can sleep it off today and go in tomo... i really dont want them to think im skiving off cos i dont want to be inspected. thats soooo not the case - i had all my lessons planned out and everything!!!

Anyways, im starting to feel abit floopy after sitting up and staring at this screen... so im gonna lay back down and sleeeeeep.

Hope you are all feeling fine and dandy and nothing like my sorry self!

Im sure ill be back on form in no time... but for now, ive gotta embrace rest-time.

Wish me Luck!!!

awake?!

I went out last niiiiiight!!!

And thats why im actually pretty surprised that i managed to get up so early this morning :p

Usually after a long week at work - i fully crash out on a friday night. Its: Tv - Food - Bed. Yup, thats my routine! But lastnight, me and my friend Jess went to Nandos for some dinner and then on to a Gig instead.

yup, that would be ME being sociable on a friday night! i know, its madness!!! haha.

Nah, im actully alot better at getting out and about these days, cos believe it or not - i genuinely like going out and doing things...! Its just hard for me when im tired and cold and my body cant quite handle it. But now that the weather is a little better (altho you wouldnt believe its spring at the mo, its been COLD this week :s) the nights are longer and i dont feel like such a hermit anymore. Plus i am really trying to step up my approach to recovery. I know im still not fully commited to it yet... i want to be, but its still very hard to break the habits that have been my safety-nets for the best part of 5years.

But dont worry, im not giving up! 

im still here, still trying... despite all my misgivings :p

Anyways. When i crash out on a normal friday night, i find it very hard to get up the next morning... its like all my weeks worth of rushing around and living off adrenanline suddenly falls down on me and i am literally flattened to my bed :( But weirdly, this morning i didnt feel too bad! despite going to bed well into the morning hours, i actually felt quite refreshed and alert when i woke up at 8am! Shocker... But since it was still a saturday morning, i decided it was far to early to get up for reals! so i lazed in for another hour and THEN got up.... 

And I was really trying to NOT stretch, if only just to prove that i can. But i just felt like i wanted to wake up my body and get out the creaks and cranks... so i did. I dunno if thats a bad thing, but i do always feel good when ive done some stretching work. I know i need to be careful tho, cos thats not necessarily because i like dong them - i do often find it hard to distinguish which are my thoughts and which are the anorexic "doing it to feel better" thoughts - cos when i do it in the week, im often rushing and stressing and just doing it to get that "relief" that my day can go on cos ive earned the right to it... And thats not good. 

But this morning i did them nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, so i think that was ok. I feel pretty productive today. Like i looked in the mirror lastnight and i felt too skinny. i knew i wanted to be bigger. When i looked at my friend (who has a build simialr to what i imagine mine shud be like) and she is slim but has soft little curves... a roundness to her belly, a fullness to her thighs... and i was jealous. she has a little poochy, poppy out tummy - but it looks NICE not horrible. It inspires me, i can be a nice body without having to be hard and flat and "toned".... i dont want to be "ripped" or anything, i want to be soft and normal! i just never believe it would actually happen without having to "do" something to achieve that...

Anyways, i felt like i wanted to remind myself of this motivation, so i took a few photogs of my body this morning. It showed me that i AM still far too thin and without making some decent proper changes to my lifestyle, nothing will change with my body. Its not as simple as "one naughty treat will make you gain".... it IS harder than that. its not an overnight thing, it takes time and apparently bigger changes than i always expect, to actually gain weight. Especially for someone who is already very aware of food. its not like those 'secret eaters' type programmes where people say "i reaaaally dont eat that much" and then you see them absentmindedly eating their way through a whole box of chocolate biscuits... Umm, i dont think a recovering anorexic would "accidentally forget" that they ate anything! 

So... another day

 another step closer to change 

:)

Now im about to get ready and set off to see my friend Ad this afternoon, he lives about half an hour away - so im gonna put my headphones in and have a nice easy stroll (NOT race) over there before we embark on an afternoon of chilling out with his extensive dvd collection :p He is a massive film-buff, so im sure ill be well entertained! And after a lovely girly night out lastnight and another nice friend-date today, Im not gonna let myself be worried about the time im spending there or the fact that im sitting all afternoon pr any other ED niggles that might crop up in my head. NOPE, im sitting with this positivity - its mine to use and and im gonna enjoy it. Im going to enjoy the fact that i AM able to relax and spending time with my friends and hopefully this will remind how lucky i am to have such wonderful friends in my life :) i am a HAPPY clem and im going to relish that fact..... 

all. day. long.

i cant wait!

ChuggaChugga

holy smoked MACKEREL im tired!!!

Exam week in theory shud be a chance for us teachers to have a well-deserved break from teaching, right?! 

Err, 

WRONG!

It is actually a week of running about collecting and distributing exam papers to various pupils in various exam rooms, invigilating (which doesnt just mean sitting reading the dailymail website guys - believe me, i tried!) then theres the thrill of getting your subject papers back and having to mark them in double-quick time so as not to get bogged down in what seems like MOUNTAINS of exam papers. Oh its fun on tap...

NOT! But all that would be totes doable, i might even get some free time to enjoy... that is if i didnt teach juniors aswell. AH yes... mustnt forget those little darlings. who obviously dont have exams this week cos that would just be too simple! So i have to teach all my usual junior classes aswell. Pants. 

I also have to contend with the fact that now that there is only one useable art room, i have to share it with the head of Art and therefore, with the year 11 GCSE pupils - who have started study leave and so  dont have any "official" lessons anymore. Oh but they do have alot of art coursework to finish... so no guesses as to where they've adopted as their chosen hangout spot?! yuppity yup. the ART ROOM!!!!! 

Its fine tho... im kindof beyond caring now! I only have half a term left. But its just amusing cos everyone is all stressed and worried cos we have official inspectors in on Tues&Weds of next week. HAHA!!! Well lets see how they like observing my usual lessons when they have to step over a lovely bunch of big year 11 boys painting/sculpting (and generally being 16year old boys!) in every spare corner of the room! Theres no way im kicking them out, cos they NEED to be in there!!! the management can swivel, its there fault we dont have a second art room anymore anyways!

So yeah. things are pretty "interesting" at the mo! But in other exciting news... 

I BOOKED MY AUSTRALIAN VISA!!!!

Ooooh i was scared. wait, was...?! i still am! i had a little freakout the other day where i was like "what am i DOING?!?! am i ready to do this? will i be able to cope? what happens if i cant find a job or a place to live or any nice people to be friend with?!?!?! and then i took a breath and reminded myself that "life is an adventure..." and in order to be free and easy and enjoy things again, i need to take things as they come... i dont need to prep and plan everything to the n'th degree. What happens will happen! Im an independant laydeeee, im not incapable - i know how to find a hostel to stay in and im sure i can find a job... So no more worrying. Its all good!!! 

Easier said than done tho am i right?! But ive forced myself to STOP worrying at least for now! and get on with the here and now. As long as i have my visa sorted and my tickets booked (that comes next) then thats the main shizz taken care of... theres plenty of time to think about the other stuff later, when ive finished school and have a whole summer to get sorted :p

YEEEEEE!!! 

okay, little excited clembot is back again. we like her... she's funny.

Its helped chatting to the boy aswell, cos he has just done the same thing. Upped and flown out to LA, where he is staying in a hostel, hanging with his buddy (our mutual friend, who has moved out there now) and making music to try and get his name out there. GOOD JOB BOYO!!! we've been emailing and he seems pretty content! i really hope it works out and he doesnt just resort to being an LA bum as opposed to a UK bum :p Cos itd be soooo nice if he could get his shit together and make something of his talents... we could combine forces and be the superteam that he always says he wants us to be! Id have figured out some of my weirdies in Oz and i could move over there to live my dream of being a true american girl and we could be happy and laugh at our silly little jokes and have little american babies and live in a big house on the beach and i could ride a bicycle and drink smoothies all day........

umm, am i getting abit ahead of myself!?!?! 

AH well. a girls gotta have dreams :)

Oh and speaking of dreams, i better shift my bootay now... i have a heck of alot of work to do and i want to have a reasonably early night tonight. i havent been getting very restful sleep lately (go figure!) so i want a good nights zZzZzz. cos then it'll only ONE more day of exam week cos friday is normal lessons again... (Im playing things day-by-day at the mo, its easiier to handle!) So one day till exams finish, then one day till the weekend, then the review week (eek) but THEN its half term! a full week off!!! if i can just hang in till then, i will be a happy bunny! 

So thats me! oh, just one more thing... if we could have a little smidge of sunshine again, that would be nice... I mean i know its England and everything, im not expecting t-shirts and shorts just yet! but i didnt realise we were due to have another winter again so soon. What is this?! I think we missed something, cos OH YEAH... its may dammit!!! So can we have our spring/summer back please?! 

that is all.

byesies :p xxx

LOOKY!!!

I really needed something to perk up another otherwise tiring friday today. 

and, weirdly... 

my WISH came true!

you never know when they might come true!

My lovely work buddies brought in my belated b-day pressie today! Its been sitting at my friends house since the Easter break cos she's been doing part of her teacher training at another school & so hasnt been around to bring it into work. And since it was quite a "large" present... she didnt wanna bring it out if we met up in town.

and this is why she's not a heavy bag lover!

Soooo..... today was officially my RE-birthday!!! (and who can turn down the chance to have another bday?! well, certainly not ME!haha) and so waiting on my desk was a big-assed pressie, all wrapped up and looking MIGHTY tempting to open!!! Altho i was good, i waited till breaktime before i caved! 

Anways, id told them awhile ago how much i wanted a onesie... they both have them and its been a long-standing plan to have a "onesie-night" (the modern girls pyjama-party :p) but me being my usual silly self, felt like it was too much of an indulgence to buy one. Especially as i have other, far more essential things i should spend my money on.... 

WELL, when they saw a dinosaur one on the topshop website, they KNEW they had to get it so i could finally join the team! 

I. Am. In. 

LOVE!

No kidding, i tried it on when i got home and i was bouncing off the walls!!! Although it is rather big (they got a medium cos they worried i might be too tall for a small) i still freaking LOVE IT!!! And who wants a "tight" onesie anyways?! its all about the hang-em lows dontcha know :p 

But it is bad... cos now I dont think i ever want to wear regular clothes again!!! Lucky its the weekend eh?! Since i dont have much planned (except a boat-load of marking and prepwork for the pupils exam week starting on monday. booo) i can wear it all weekend without anyone being TOO concerned about my sanity!!! Oooh, do you think i could roll up to invigilate the exams dressed as a dinosaur?!?! It might attract some attention, but im sure it would help the kids brains get into gear! (Hmm, either that or they'd start thinking they were hallucinating from too much revision and lack of sleep!! hahaaaaa - bad teacher!!!)

Anyways, its things like this that make me grateful to have such lovely and thoughtful friends... i told a few people about my onesie love and nobody else took the bite. Oh, but these guys... they were ON IT like a car bonnet! in fact, i remember asking my roomie if she'd got it for me when she said she'd got me a "surprise" and she was like "umm, no - thats way too expensive". turns out she'd got me some socks....

Nice, right?!

obvs i just wasnt worth it

Kindof annoys me that i spent so much time and effort finding her birthday presents now... but NO - i must not be bitter!!! (altho its hard since i havent heard from her since she moved out :s) We were supposed to meet up for a coffee the week after she left, but she bailed. Sure, we're both very busy... but whatever. its not hard to make a little effort. Whatever the situation, i can always try and make a little time for my friends. They make me happy and so i want them to be happy too. thats what friendship is, right?! GO WORK IT OUT!

Ahh, talking of frienship... the mumatron is coming home tonight :) Its doubly cool cos usually she stays in london all weekend, but this time she's not going back up till sunday morning. YEEE! I plan to take the poochums on a nice walk tomo, i hope its sunny! and i will be on guard to make sure it doesnt turn into one of my "long walks".

OH OH! i forgot to say!!! on thursday, i successfully STOPPED myself from taking my usual "middle-of-the-day" walk! Usually, when i have a free lesson, i go into town for a wander (aka - powerwalk) But yesterday i decided i would go and find one of the teachers i needed to talk to about some work we have to do and we ended up chatting instead! BOSH!!!!! i did feel guilty, but as the day moved on at its usual speedy pace, i didnt have time to dwell on it! 

It felt amazingly empowering to say "f-you" to the part of me that makes me think i have to walk. i didnt and i was still fine! I just have to remember that :)

I did walk today tho, but not as much as i normally would on a friday (when i have two double free's) so thats still progress. And i didnt skip lunch or walk more later to compensate. Ive figured that if im ever gonna kick this exercise addiction, im going to have to be hard on myself to ensure i STOP doing things that i think i "have" to, and start deal with the consequences (which are hardly as major as i let myself believe!) Those "guilty feelings" are gonna have to be faced sooner or later. Why prolong the tortue???

Cos otherwise i cant see how there will be that freedome to enjoy having activity in my life. It will always be compulsive and i will simply exist by being dictated to by this ED. If i want to enjoy "nice walking" as opposed to "calorie burn" walking, then im gonna have to remove the element of calorie burning fully. I can do this either by eating more to cover it, which would mean that id eventually get pissed off that i have to do more eating! (still risky, as i rarely "stick" to it) or alternatively, i need to cut out the walking pretty much altogether and then see that i dont "balloon/die/shrivel up/self-combust (delete as per mood at that time!) and then work on bringing it back in gently....

Urhhh, i feel like im always talking the SAME bloody talk. "Meh Meh MEh... Its a work in progress" (what STILL? i realise ive been saying this for ages) and believe me... nobody is more frustrated and bored by it than me!!! but recovery is no easy-ride and this exercise compulsion has been firmly concreted into my routine for god knows how long now... years and years. Man, i can hardly remember a time when i wasnt doing "stretches" in my room. My old house, my uni house, not to mention when i discovered i liked to walk and then just walked and walked and walked until i became scared not to. 

Altho, saying that... i DO remember talking to my dad about exercise and i told him that "i didnt want to set up a set exercise "routine" cos then i'd have to stick to it and never stop." Jeez, that was some sound advice mini clem-of-the-past... why the HELL didnt i listen to it???? :s

Anyways, shoulda-woulda-coulda's arent going to get me anywhere now"what doesnt kill you makes you stronger". So, i just have to get on and fix things myself. After all, they say

Well im definitely getting stronger at being in charge! especially when im dressed like this....

RAWWWWR!

hehe

xx

bank holiday fun

But where did it go you guys?!?!

I had a lovely day off.... but man was it over too quick! :p 

Already being back at work for two days and im tired... i want another break!!! Its a good thing ive only got the rest of this term then i have a very long extended break to look forwards to. OH yeah! the perks of travelling, means no FIXED employment, no pressure to stay in one place, no need to worry about deadlines and work stuff. Just the freedom to go and do what you please....

yup - the elusive

FREEDOM

Its something ive sorely missed. i feel like ive been trapped in this "not-quite-right" -ness for a long while now :(

But anyhoo. lets not get all mushy! here are some pics of the lovely day i spent with the mothership and my little poochums on bank holiday monday.

me next to some bushes. yup. ill pose anywhere

hahaha,  im simple & so this made me laugh!

mumatron mid-browse

i liked these ones

mumster liked THESE ones

sooo... WE GOT BOTH!!!

we didnt get a tree tho :p

then we went to the pub...

and sat by the river....

the bubbins liked the sludgy mud...

but no jumping in the sea for this princess!!

glamazon. seriuosly, mi madre es una hottie

yet she spawned THIS!!!

Haha! So that was my day... pretty sweet if you ask me! It was lovely to spend time with the mothership, we are getting along so much better these days (apart from the occasional hoolie, where she gets all stressed and tired and drinks too much vino on the sofa and yells at the world... i get upset and think shes shouting at me, so it ends in a fight. BOOO) But yeah, we're bonding better :)

Also it was a day with barely ANY walking!!! which in itself is good... but its still incredibly guilt-inducing for me. I felt anxious alot of the time and wanted to actually delay going back home cos i knew that id want to then go out walking again if i was just sat around at home (hence the trip to the pub!) But at least i managed to identify that fear and therefore took steps to prevent it... thats progress right?! 

I cant say i havent gone back to being active now that im at work again, but the fact that it was a day when i WOULD have been active at work but WASNT... was a big accomplishment for me!