Hahaha! Yup, I kicked that stomach virus to the kerb you guys... BAM! and im back on full clemmy form. And weirdly, feeling super alive and vibrant considering just a day ago i honestly felt (and looked!) like death warmed up :s
I suppose thats the joy of being ill, the getting better! Cos when you ARE better - you damn well know about it! i almost wanna just sing and dance and shout "Yay! im not stuck in bed being sick and poorly anymore! lets Partaaay" :p
Sadly, since its a thursday - the partying will have to wait in favour of another day at work. But hey... im sure the kids appreciated the much chirpier me today! Yesterday i was NOT a happy teacher, so i dont blame them for being wary...! but less of that eh. Yesterday was the past, Today is the present and Tomorrow.... is FRIDAY!!! and the official start to my week off for half term. woopwoop!
It makes me think tho, about how i could feel if i let myself fully recover from this nasty eating disorder that takes so much from my life. I mean, if i feel this good about overcoming a 48hour stomach bug, then how good could i feel about getting better from a 6year battle with anorexia? I read about how amazing people say recovery is and how you learn so much about yourself and appreciate your friends and family and well, LIFE so much more.... i long for that feeling so much.
Then go and DO IT, you're probably screaming - right??? I wish it were that simple. Its like it almost seems to "easy" to just EAT, REST and RECOVER. I mean, there must be a catch? It cant just be there for the taking. I feel like i wouldn't be entitled to a happy anorexia-free life. Somehow i'd mess it up, or i wouldnt get that freedom - id still be trapped in this horrible mindset, just in a larger body.
I dont know... It goes round and round in my head like a carousel on repeat.
How...?
What if...?
"But..."
I really want to stop procrastinating, but my head is still firmly on that thought-rollercoaster... So many Questions, so many Doubts....
I guess the one thing i DO know is that unless i try, ill never find out...
Soooo on that note - ill leave you with the notion of change.
Is change something you can control?
or do you need an outside influence to enforce that change?
This evening i have my first hypnotherapy session... Im pretty nervous, but very excited to see what changes could be brought about from this opportunity. I know that i am open to change, in fact i fully embrace it, in the knowledge that i do WANT to get better. I really hope this could be a way of unblocking the barriers in my head that prevent me from recovering....
So,
Wish me LUCK!!!
Good luck!! Be sure to let us know how it goes :)
ReplyDeleteI have an analogy for you haha... I think a lot of people get their "feet wet" in recovery, but can never fully immerse themselves into the water out of fear. Fear of letting go of that control,fear of weight gain, fear of not knowing who you are without your ED, fear of uncovering the painful emotions your ED has been numbing out.... Lots of fears, so it's understandable why it is such a difficult thing to trust.
Is change something you can control? Yes and no. YOU are the only one who can make the change, recover, and how you react to situations, but you cannot control the things that happen to you... If that makes sense.
I really liked this post. You're a great writer! Happy almost Friday! xoxo
Ooooohhh. Hypnotherapy?? Let me know how that goes!
ReplyDeleteI've bit the bullet too many times and tried to do the 'just eat' bit and it's failed every time. Each time I just hope it will work, that it'll all go away if I can just make myself eat and act normal. Guess you know from experience it doesnt work!
ReplyDeleteRecovery is looooooong and hard, but imagine what we can achieve if we can beat this. We'll be pretty invincible!
how did hypnotherapy go?
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