down under!

Ok, im a bad blogger.... SORRY!!!!

i shouldnt have left you hanging there, that was mean. but OH.EM.GEEEEEEEE im in australia!!!!! i literally cannot believe it, it is the best feeling ever :)

I have been non-stop since i arrived - well in fact since i left! I think when i last posted it was the night before and i hadnt even done my packing yet... sooo typical! haha. well luckily it all turned out ok, well - ISH. cos when we got to the airport, surprise surprise, my bags were too heavy! So i had to unload a bunch of stuff (who knew nail varnish was so heavy?!) and repack, with my mum helping me out. it was pretty stressful... and that was BEFORE i lost my phone :s

Yup, i was repacking by the check-in desk... when i suddenly remembered my dad was due to come meet us to say goodbye and i hadnt heard from him yet. CUE - check phone... wait. I CANT FIND MY PHONE... 

MAAAAAAJOR panic!!!! i was trying to think where i would have put it down... toilet, weighing area, check-in desk... nothing. I checked through my bag, my mums bag, my pockets. NOTHING... i was literaly shitting myself!!! but just as i was about to enter full-blown meltdown - i found the bloody thing in my suitcase, where it had obvs got mixed up in the re-packing fiasco... oh my word, i was swetaing like a beast - so not cool!!!!

Anyway, about 30seconds after i found it... my dad rang to say he was there. PHEW! i checked in my bags (minus about 5kgs of stuff) and we went to costa to sit and chill out before i went through security...

It was weird having both parents there to see me off, but nice. Dad promised he would leave first, so i could spend some time with the mothership - so after the coffee, we said our goodbyes and he headed off....

After about half an hour, the mumster left too.... there were big hugs but no tears. im a big girl!!! went through security, spent a few hours reading mags and being bored - then ONTO the plane!!!

The first part of the flight was to Abu Dhabi, 6hours and since it was about 10pm - no biggie, everyone was asleep (i cant really sleep on flights so i dozed and watched movies...) The next flight we got from Abu Dhabi was 14hours and that was KILLER :( i was shattered, cos by the time we landed in Sydney, it was 6:30 am there but technically for me, it was still yesterday and i hadnt slept in two days.... holy brain mush.

I was picked up by a friend of the family and she took me and her family (two adorable kids and her lovely hubby) out for breakfast to the CUTEST little cafe near her house. i was so relieved to have something other than microwaved plane food, i had a fresh smoothie and a bowl of granola and fruit. SO FREAKING GOOD!!!! after that she took me to my new place, where her brother and their friend live and i started to settle in... for about 5mins - till it was all go again! 

Ah SHOOT. im running out of time again (seriously, im loving this new "always busy always having fun" me - its exactly what i came here to do!!!) so i will continue the next part of the story when i have another spare min!

In the meantime - let me just summarise.... Australia is AMAZEBALLS. i am LOVING my life, me and everything thats going on. i feel free you guys, i feel like im finally breaking out of that crap thats been weighing me down for so long :) and im SUPER excited cos there is soooo much yet to come. its only just spring here and apparently summer is just the best ever. What can i say.... i cant wait!!!!

So, are you jealous yet?!?!

 sorry - i couldnt resist!!!

I will try and post regularly so you can experience it all too.... but for now - i gotta run!!!

big (aussie) loves! xx

one more sleep....

And im starting to get just a LIIIIIITLE bit nervous!

Im more-or-less packed now (in full lastminute panic-style, as always :p) And i will finish the last little bits before i leave tomo - Which thank GOD, is around lunchtime, so i will have the morning for any last-last minute panics!!

But i dunno. i feel sort of.... 

weird....

like kindof empty? or perhaps its just not quite believing its all real??? I cant put my finger on it :s

I know its quite common to feel complacent in anorexia/recovery... i focus so much on food and exercise and recovery and whether im doing it right etc... that alot of the other stuff just gets swept along in the breeze! But i thought id feel abit more of.... SOMETHING.

Urhh, its hard to figure out my feelings on this. im excited, but still on an even level - not jumping about or anything... im nervous - but again... nothing major, i mean im not tearing my hair out or anything. i only just packed for gods sake!! i just feel like maybe im abit TOO chilled about it all. Cos after all, i am about to leave the country, my home, my family and friends... everything! for a whole year or more. Its pretty intense!!! but yet, im still just pootling on, doing some packing, sorting all the bits and bobs for mum... i occasionally feel like im on the edge of feeling nervous and anxious... but then it goes. weird no????

Anyways... i just thought id try and puzzle it out on the blogosphere - maybe get some clarity! Either way - tomo i get on a plane and leave this funny little island ive called home for  so long and fly off to a MUCH bigger (eeks) and MUCH warmer (yipeeee) place. To explore, discover and have fun....

Whats scary about that?!? 

xx

ummmm.

So this is getting silly now!

I have only got TWO days left till i leave for Oz and i havent even brought my suitcases down from the attic, let alone thought about actually PACKING stuff in them!!! I guess that 'queen of procrastinating' title still stands then... :s

Believ me, I would love to be one of those organised packers who manages to fit everything neatly in into its rightful place, all neatly folded and arranged so they know exactly where things are and whats what and dont end up tearing everything apart in front of the airport desk cos they realise they packed too much and need to make space.... That'd be AMAZEBALLS! but im afraid - that person is not me...

I tend to go for the 'lastminute-rush' packing option. Which generally consists of chucking a load of whatevs into my bag and hoping for the best...! Well, as long as i have my medications, my phone and my passport - i figure the rest is a bonus :p

But this time, i really DO want to try and be a little more organised, i am essentially packing for a whole year away after all!!! 

my adventure awaits....!

Anyhoo. After a busy weekend of leaving do's.. (i will fill you in laters...) i now have to really knuckle down and get some shit done. OHHH dear :s So tomo's plans are as such: i have a hypnotherapy appt in the morning, then i am going into town with the mothership to get some australian dollars, pick up a few lastminute bits and bobs, book a leg wax for tues (soooo needed!!!) and then im meeting my bestie friend for tea and a massage which we booked ages ago when we very cleverly figured that we'd need a de-stressor by this point... and BOY were we right - i cannot wait!!!

So possibly not the most productive packing day.... Buuut. i have allocated ALL of tues for making sure i have it done and dusted :) no scheduled meet-ups, no people to see and places to go and distract myself (apart from the leg wax - but thats hardly a fun excursion IS IT?!....) NOPE. its gonna be me and my suitcases. and we're going to form a beautiful relationship. one based on mutual understanding that when its finished - my bag will look alot more like THIS....

so prettttty

and alot LESS like this...!

OH god.

Hahaha. Wish me Luuuuuck!!! 

xx

waaah!

Sooo, its less than a WEEK to go till i up sticks to AUSTRALIAAAAAAA....

and woopdedoo - im excited, but holy potato - i have so much to do. I know logistically, its all totally doable. I have 5days, thats plenty of time!! Anyone can avoid stress by planning and organising and remaining totally calm and chilled... but this isnt anyone - this is ME. And i am the queen of putting things off and doing other things so that i dont have to do the thing that needs doing cos that would be WAY to sensible.... 

In a nutshell....

Plus, i seem to be stuck in this ever-growing cycle of popularity. It seems that when you are about to leave the country for a year, suddenly EVERYONE wants to be the "last person you spend time with..." and now dare i say - hanging out with friends has become almost a burden! (never thought id say that!) i used to relish being popular pre-ED, i juggled it like a freaking clown! but i was young then... and altho its fun and all, i do kindof feel like maybe i shud have SOME at-home-time to sort through things. After all - i havent even had a proper minute to think about writing a to-do list, let alone DOING that to-do list :s

Meh, im sure it will all be fiiiiiiiiine! 

(famous last words?!)

Another reason i need to scale back and stay home, is to recognise that i DO need to get used to staying in and getting stuff done, cos my ED loves the fact that im out of the house everyday - doing stuff, seeing people, keeping busy. Granted, Im not "formally" exercising, but my ED still clings to the fact that im not sat on my arse at home... and thats a big scare for me. Im still being active in a sense and that calms the exercise side of my disorder... its a hell of alot better than going out power-walking for an hour like i used to! But it still means that i find it hard to just stay home. Even if i walk over to my friends and then sit at hers... i justify that with not being at HOME. Which to be honest, would be way more productive! Sitting at my friends chatting? or staying home and deciding what to pack, or going through all my paperwork or writing a new CV... but basically anything that would mean that i didnt leave the house in a day = scary :(

Ive been thinking about how nice it will be when ive left all this "routine" behind. all these reminders and triggers... poof. Not that they'll be gone - dont get me wrong, im under no illusions that i can travel to the other side of the world and suddenly be "cured" of my ED. Hah, i WISH. but the simple fact that ill be away from HERE. i wont wake up every morning and have this ingrained routine that i could do with my eyes closed... i wont necessarily be able to do things the way my ED wants me to and i WILL have to adapt to new surrounding and people. Plus, when i get a job and have an early shift in a coffee shop (for example) ill have to be there early and therefore will have to roll out of bed and catch the bus there in speedy time. no half hour stretching followed by a lazy shower and then a LONG walk to work. I cant afford to feel guilty about losing those things either - cos i wont have that luxury! and lets face it - there not MY luxuries... theyre the anorexias'. 

Ahhh, my ED is gonna hate me....!!! but you know what, im gonna LOVE screwing it over. Its screwed me over enough times! So long suckaaaaah. Yup, without its habits (which are all very closely linked with living here at home, basically by myself) i know i will have a real chance to embrace normality and live like other people do. I know i will have to tell myself every day, shit - maybe every HOUR! that it is OK, it is SAFE and nothing bad will happen to me.... but i am determined to stay strong and im gonna fight against all the negative thoughts. Just as i have been doing lately... my confidence against anorexia is growing and im getting to the stage where i can choose MY way, not the ED way.... and that means choosing LIFE!!! and sometimes that also means doing the opposite of what feels "good".

RIGHT, i better stop now, cos i sense a ramble starting! and frankly - i have bedtime snacks to eat and then folks, i need me some SLEEP!!! tomo night is the first in my weekend leaving shenanigans :p Ive gotta start prepping for the australian YOLO lifestyle (ohmygod, did i actually just say YOLO on my blog?! GAH. just shoot me now, clearly im too far gone.... :p)

Update in the next few days (well, if i make it through the weekend...) Wish me luuuuuck!!! xxx

whoa...

...its been a WEEK?!?!

....Umm, Really?!

Well apologies guys... again my life has taken a turn for the crazy and ive been so busy that i cant even think where this week has gone! Okay, let me check back through my diary....

Hmm. Lets see.... well, I had a fun trip to my doctors to stock up on prescriptions and pills to take travelling with me and get advice on how to go about getting my bloods and other medical shizz out there... all very exciting! I had another hypnotherapy appt, which went well! OH, but then i had a blip midweek and felt very guilty cos me and my friend N hung out again... no cake this time tho! We were gonna go to the sea-side and eat fish on the beach, but we missed the bus so instead we walked to that little riverside village i sometimes walk the pooch to... Its a long walk but its nice to chill in the pub when you get there. Well my ED was happy cos it was a longer walk than i would have done at the beach, and i have to admit - i let that get the better of me and the negative thoughts took control... even tho i had walked and therefore should have eaten a big lunch - i chickened out. My friend got a plate of egg and ham and chips and i just sat there... feeling like the biggest loser with my diet coke and empty stomach. urhhh :( 

Luckily, it made me see my eating disorder for what it is... A nasty, evil, manipulative FUN-SUCKER and i snapped out of it sharpish. but it reminded me that i have to be very careful not to let it get a hold on me. Slip-ups are inevitable - but i have to pull myself up as SOON as i realise whats happening, i need to keep things on track! Anyhoo, it didnt spoil our day and we got home and watched dvds and relaxed on the sofa (which isnt something im used to!) So that was good.

spot the sleepy dog!

Umm, okay lets skip to thurs - when i went upto london to see my dad. My mum drove me up and we had a nice little stopover in westfield first... i freaking LOVE that place! And since kids are back at school, we had practically the whole place to ourselves! I made sure i had lunch too (at my fave lunchspot - pret a manger) and i decided to branch out from my usual salad too, got a chicken wrap instead, which was damn tasty...! not that im surprised. Pret is sandwich heaven :) But yeah, i was pleased that i was spontaneous and didnt just chose the "safe" option.

my mum had fish&chips... SHE WINS AGAIN! :p

Staying at my dads was nice, abit weird tho cos its his partners house and i know that my mum didnt really want me to stay there... But i wanna see my dad and its not like i have the choice of staying at my mum&sisters place anymore!! Plus it was good to spend time with him when i wasnt rushed. yknow... So when i got there on thurs evening, we went out to dinner at this chinese place before going to the cinema to see "about time"... 

This film is awesome. Seriously - i was in floods!!! 

On friday i met up with my friend Heather, did some shopping and then in the evening me, dad and his partner went out to this fish place for dinner. It was YUM!! we had fresh oysters to start, then i had a whole cooked fish with roasted veg and salad. i was stuffed! but somehow i still managed to squeeze in some pudding when we got back to theirs :) They had stocked up on loads of goodies for me, so it wouldve been rude not to eat them! hahaha...

my dads pet tortoise... SO jealous!

On saturday my dad offered to drive me home (a good two hour drive away!) which was super nice - altho i will confess my ED was like "whoaaa that means you wont walk at all! you were going to have to walk to the train station and then home etc... thats lazy lazy lazy". But i refused to listen... it was damn nice to not have to walk about in the london drizzle, waiting for buses and trains! But by the time we got back to mine, i was feeling abit stressed... my dad had badgered me for info about my mum and sis on the drive and it makes me feel upset cos there is just so much unresolved shit still going on with our family... so i was on edge anyways and then dad asked if he could come in and use the toilet - which freaked me out cos i know mum didnt want him to come to our house, let alone go inside :s 

He was looking about and i felt so uncomfortable - especially when he made a comment about how he was "misinformed" about the house and things cant be THAT difficult if we have our own place etc. (he left my mum with nothing after the divorce and we struggled.... big time. something which WAS his doing) But yeah, it wasnt pleasant and i had to hurry him out abit.

When he left i felt anxious and edgy and i did what i probs shouldnt have... i went for a walk.

I was tired but i felt like i just had to get out and clear my head of all this negative horrible shit. I hated that i was driven by the fact that i hadnt walked all day... but i needed the release :( It helped, but in a way i felt worse cos when i got home i was aware that my chest hurt and i shouldnt have pushed my body like that. I felt guilty for not staying strong in the face of it.... I was just too much to cope with :( So i lay on my bed and cried... I just felt so overwhelmed, probs cos im stressed about leaving in a week and being at my dads and all this stuff going round in my head... GAH! i just didnt know what else to do!

Luckily a good cry always helps and after that i picked myself up, made dinner and had an early night. JOB DONE :p

I feel better today and i have made sure to rest up... but that anxiety niggle is still there. I have alot to do this week and not alot of time left. It was making me feel stressed and pressured (which i know is bad for me!) so i spoke to my friend and she said to write a to-do list with only two or three things to do on it, all of which are achievable and then let that be it for the day! i did just that and i feel soooo much calmer. I managed to tick off those three things AND do other stuff too!!! 

Thank god for good friends with good advice eh?!

My three things were:

1. Create a fb event for my leaving do
2. Set up an application for my australian bank account
3. Do a household-chore (i did laundry and baked banana muffins)

I also painted my nails, went to town to buy the sunday papers and cleared out some paperwork on my desk.

All in all, not a bad "bringing-back" the good day :)

bakeoff

Hey weekenders... Phews, I am EXHAUSTED today!

And therefore fully intending to make the most of this "day of rest" after a somewhat random but hella fun party night lastnight :p Im loving this new friend of mine N. She is crayzeeeeeey!!! and she says she's SO much happier after going off and seeing the world... Well if thats what a year and a half of travelling does to your confidence and general outlook - i cannot freaking WAIT! haha...

Okay, wait - im getting ahead of myself again! (probably cos of all the tripping over we did trying to stumble home lastnight) HA! Right, ill explain...

So i told you that this girl was coming to hang out for the weekend, right? the travelling girl who is besties with my friend Jess.... OH - aka the cheesecake girl if you've read my older posts! But yeah, we are both in the same "no-jobs, stuck-at-home, bored-out-of-our-brains" situation right now - so we've been planning to hang out, but i was away lastweek. ANYHOO, since i had the weekend free and an empty house, we decided to do something. I was excited, cos i LOVE meeting and getting to know new people, it is something i really enjoy. Despite often feeling quite isolated by my ED, i am not actually that shy and i have always thrived on social interaction. So it was fab to get to know and make a new friend, especially one who i seem to have so much in common with! (well, the REAL me... not the disordered me, obvs.)

Anyways, so the plan was that she'd get to mine for 11ish, and we'd see where the day took us. Which was a good start cos already it meant that i wouldnt have left the house or done any walking/additional exercise before she came. Which i'll admit, i had already been thinking about... God its pathetic, but when i got up - my negative brain was already starting to nag "maybe i should go meet her in town and walk her to mine, then i can do some walking first... and i can always say i didnt want her to get lost etc etc..." WHOA there mister!!! that doesnt sound like "normal" to me. Bargaining? making excuses? hidden reasons?? Hmm - something smells fishy! Clearly i knew it was the anorexia trying to persuade me to do some physical activity to make up for the lack of control i would have during the days events.... So did i give in???

HELLS to the NO. thanking you muchly! Cos i know full well that i shouldnt be doing "extra" am not a sedentary person anyways. i get up, i move about the house, i walk to town if im doing something... its hardly like im sat in a chair all day long. So i know this warped anorexic belief that i need to do "at least 30mins SET activity a day" - ie, not just what id be doing in my normal day is bullsh*t. And i need to do everything in my power to ignore it!

So... I stayed at home and waited for her to arrive like a good girl... 

hazaaah! take THAT anorexia :)

When she did arrive, we chilled for a bit, drank lots of tea (even tho im not a massive fan) and chatted plenty. Just your general getting to know each other stuff... bits about travelling... bits about the people we know in common and our lives/friends and stuff. Then we strolled into town for a mooch, which turned into a mission cos it was SWAMPED with people! Apparently there was some "comic-character convention: called "invasion" going on. Basically its a charity event my town runs every year where your favourite tv/movie/comic superhero characters dress up and there are lots of events and fun things going on. Its pretty cool, but my GOD it was so busy... we almost tripped over an R2D2 machine which was whizzing about and got mobbed by three ghostbusters outside HMV!!! It was crazy days i tell ya :p

Anyways, after picking up some ingredients at sainsburys, we headed home to do some baking. My friend is abit of a 'pro' and she had her eye on making a beetroot and choc cake... (you couldnt really taste the beetroot tho, it was weird! but it didnt turn the cake pink like we hoped) Soooo after some frantic hunting around for bowls and graters and various cooking equipment that i didnt have (seriously, what household doesnt own a whisk?!?!) we got cracking. And it actually turned out pretty good! Altho we may have got chatting while sitting in the garden and left it in the oven a bit too long... But burned bits aside, it was a success!! and it had no dairy in it, so i had me a slice too :)

WOOPWOOP chocolate cake peoples!!! its been years since i had chocolate cake so i was proud of myself. i mean, im knocking those fearfoods off the list these days - bish, bash, BOSH! :p (served with a side of anxiety, granted... but thats not enough to stop me now im on a roll!)

After cake-time, we watched a DVD called spirited away... its an anime film and i had heard of it, but have always been abit sceptical of anime. but i was wrong! it was great - abit weird and slightly dark which is just what i like so i really enjoyed it! we didnt quite finish it tho, cos we started getting hungry and decided to head into town to hit up some tasty nandos chicken action :) YUMMERS!!!

After that we headed to this bar/pub where our friend Jess works for a few (too many) drinks and some banter with the barmaid... We got a leeeeetle bit tipsy and when it got to last orders and kicking out time, we decided we werent tired yet so headed back to the high street to see what mischief we could find there!!! Went into our fave bar, where there is usually good music and lots of people to make eyes at... and true to form, it was packed! but it wasnt the greatest vibe going on, so after a cocktail each and a dance to some cheesy oldskool tunes, we headed home... but not before i was jumped on by an ex-pupil outside the bar!!! CRINGE! :p it was sweet tho. Sometimes i forget that they grow up and therefore become adults of drinking age themselves!! i better look out for any more on my leaving do, maybe i can get them to buy me a few drinks since ill be leaving the country 3 days later! Its not like ill be bumping into them again for a good while!!!

Anyways, we wiggled and giggled our way home and then sat up for another hour or so eating leftover cake and chatting AGAIN! but by 3am, we were both struggling to form coherent sentences and our eyes were drooping further and further. Bedtime beckoned for us old timers :p

And here we are today... sleepy, after waking up reasonably early. Isnt it weird how you always seem to wake up early on the mornings after a late night?! I walked N back to town to catch her bus home before picking up the sunday papers and heading back here, which was good timing cos JUST as i got in, the sky went grey and it began to pour with rain :( Urhh, this weather is insane... it was really nice and sunny this morning! Now i predict an afternoon of chillage, maaaaaaybe do some pre-oz clearing out... but i shifted out two bags of crap (mainly old clothes/paperwork/bits of random tat that i dont need anymore!) last week, so that should keep the mothership off my back for now. And she doesnt get home till tomo anyways, so i think i can safely sleeeeeeeeep and do nothing till at least then. it IS still the weekend after all!!!

And on that note, ill bid you guys farewell and say "see-ya's later"... cos i dunno about you, but im off to dream about  CAKEzZZzzzzZZzzzZZzzzZZZzzzzzz.............

day-to-day up(day)te

Hey guyyyys!

Sorry i havent been in much this week...its not that ive been MASSIVELY busy, but ive just been here and there and occupied with living life, yknow... its cool! I actually feel like i can go out and be more spontaneous, doing things as a spur of the moment - rather that rigidly having to do stuff "in order". I dont wake up and NEED to stretch and walk and do silly stretches if i dont want to... sometimes i like to, but its not the law! i generally do a quick stretch every morning anyways to wake my body up... But its not painful and forced, and i dont have to do it FIRST THING anymore... sometimes i take the dog out with my mum if she's here, or i lay in abit longer or whatever. Its not a set rule anymore - and that my friends, is a very nice change :)

Ive also been alot more relaxed about eating times... like not having to be home by 6pm to start psyching myself up for dinner, like i used to. Or waiting for ages to do anything in the morning cos i want to make sure i have my "perfect" breakfast time. Its alot more fluid now... if im not hungry, ill grab an easier-to-eat food like a cereal bar and fruit instead of thinking i HAVE to have my oats etc and then feeling guilty cos ive eaten too much too fast.. Its meant im not always worrying so much, i realise i was actually increasing my anxiety by putting all these silly rules and routines onto myself... they're so unnecessary!

Im still working on the exercise thing tho. Its an ongoing battle... and one which i always knew was going to be one of the hardest areas to tackle... cos i just find it SO bloody hard to not do anything! Its unrealistic for me to have a day doing nothing at all, i get very restless and bored, so just reading a book or knitting or something doesnt cut it for my somewhat ADHD mindset! but i need to remember that incidental activity is plenty for me... i dont have to do EXTRA to make it "count". If im walking with the dog in the morning and doing a few stretches then thats fiiiiine. I dont need to do a "set" 30mins on top of that to feel okay. Cos when i DO do more - actually all it does is get my ED fired up more :s I find that if i start doing more "powered" walking, its becomes about the burn not the pleasure - then i get very down on myself, thinking i need to do more and the ED jumps into control. Whereas when i walk around town with friends or something, its fine. 

I have also seen that if i am busy and occupied with other people, then its much easier (just being with people makes it easier to say NO to anorexic behaviours) like when i was in brighton - we were BUSY but not especially ACTIVE... but i was having fun and distracted by being with my friends, so it was fine. So i have consciously tried NOT to be alone too much... which is hard since i basically live alone. But my friend E has been a great help (again!!) Im so glad i met her, even in this short time - she has become one of my best friends!!! So ive been hanging out at her house most days... even if its just sitting in the sun or chatting and being silly. It stops me filling time with exercise. Im also trying to only run small, quick errands in town - so that i dont have alot of empty time to fill. Instead of going in and walking around and around, which makes the ED think i need to be walking hard and as much as i can in the time... I leave the house with enough time to get to town and then meet someone or get somewhere. Its all about recognising the trigger areas, and working to avoid them!

us being mature with straws...

Aside from that, ive been throwing a few challenges in here and there... bigger snacks in the evening before bed, grabbing a bite of stuff when im hungry... basically trying to get rid of those "set" allowances. I am also branching out to try new things, rather that staying with the same old safe foods. Oh! and im still working on introducing bits of dairy back into my diet - with some interesting results! i have found that things containing milk, arent so bad: mild discomfort, bloating and stomach aches... but thats pretty standard when i eat, so totally manageable! Dairy on its OWN is still touch and go.. as is cheese and butter. Which are still a big no-no... i tried abit of a sandwich and was quite sick :( 

But its all trial and error right?... i wont let it scare me off this time. its too easy for the ED to use it as a handy restriction technique. Anyways, there are some DAMN tasty dairy things out there which i want to be able to eat eventually!! Big accomplishment this week tho... cos after being brave with that bite of cheesecake the other weekend, i decided - its SUMMER... i want to try some ice cream! So at the start of this week my friend bought a box of 4 oreo cones on special offer (id been saying how nice they looked for ages) Sooo we agreed i would try one. Ohhhhmygod was i scared!!! Ill admit, i put it off the first day, too scary. She had one tho and it did look so good. Then the next day she had another one, but i had tried something different at breakfast and was feeling abit rough... then the third day i had really got myself ready to have it, cos i wasnt gonna bail out again - but when i got to hers she said she'd eaten her last one the night before so there was only mine left!! 

Uh-ohhhhh, solo challenge?!? 

HELL yes!!! i took it on... no excuses this time! and it was soooo good. I only had half because i didnt want to push it... a good thing, cos as i was eating it, i was getting some nasty acid reflux, but i was pleased that id managed to try it... that was a major hurdle for my tummy (and brain) to handle! I had some repercussions (i wont TMI you, cos its not really nice to discuss toilet-talk!) but it wasnt the end of the world and i definitely wont let it stop me pushing on with it... my doctors say that since i was able to eat dairy before i got sick, i should be able to eat it again - i just need to get my body used to it again and strengthen my digestive tract. I have medication to help with the after-effects, so the more i try  the easier it will get. Its not gonna hurt forever... but the longer i put it off, the harder it will be!

Sooo, i guess i can finally call myself a recovery FIGHTER eh!? 

Anyways, another busy week comes to an end. Im going to meet my girlies this afternoon - it was their first week back at school this week, which felt kindof weird to not be there with them! So im looking forwards to seeing them :) But ohmygosh, im glad to be free from that routine and stress... i can see that going travelling is going to be hard. But its a chance to really DO this... i think its going to be SO good for me to get away and start living life to the full... ive felt so much freer this past couple of weeks and i know getting away from here, where i have such ingrained ED memories, its gonna be the making of me... who knows what is waiting just around the corner!!

So yeah, we are going to our usual after-work pub to dissect and gossip about the first week back shenanigans... i cant wait to get all the gossip!!!

I hope you've all had a good week and i promise ill update again soon :) i have an inkling that this is going to be another fun weekend... Im planning a weekend of hangage with the girl who has just got back from travelling in Australia (i met her for lunch a week or so ago... the cheesecake girl!!haha) So im sure there will be plenty of motivating and getting me excited to go. 

Countdown Says: less than three weeks now... YEEEEE!!! xx

last month in the UK

Sooo... September is finally here!

which means it is OFFICIALLY the last month that i will be in this country. EEKS!!! Yup, by the time September comes to a close, ill be settling myself into a new way of life... in sunny Australia! Aww, dont be too jealous guys.... haha :p

big mouth

Anyways... Project: BE BUSY & LIVE LIFE has been carrying on in full-force. After a very nice sleep-filled friday, recovering from the shenanigans of Brighton, i was wary of the approaching empty space of the weekend. Murrrrrh. Weekends have always been a frenemy to me. Part of me likes the fact that its the weekend, so i dont have to be at work/be busy/do stuff. But the other half of me HATES the fact that nobody seems to do stuff on the weekends, cos they are occupied with home-stuff or spending time with family or their partners. Snorrrrre!

SO, just as i was pondering what to fill me time with... my geeky music teacher friend (who also hates weekends) suggested an adventure somewhere - now i LOVE me an adventure! So i figured Why Not?! I mean, we're not exactly "best friends", we dont have that much in common and didnt really hang out that much at work, cos i have my girly friends. BUT he is a lonely single bod too and i since dont have anyone to hang out with on the weekends, it made sense! We decided to go to Lakeside, where there is a big shopping centre and a retail park with Ikea and other big stores to mooch in. A good way to pass a dull day if you ask me! (even if i did have to put up with his VERY annoying "catchphrases" and seriously bad jokes....) i pretended to be deaf most of the time - by far the best solution :s

ikea bedrooms = perfect way to catch a few sneaky zzz's

packing myself up ready for Oz :p

Anyways, I have been trying super hard to keep up my motivation to eat more while being less active... i felt i managed pretty well in brighton with my friends (its always easier when you are distracted or "doing" something...) but its when im alone and bored that i feel like i need to walk and do exercise. SO, this was a good distraction to keep the flow going... We drove there, then the only walking i did was around the shops! It shows that i CAN do it and still be okay - but it definitely helps if im occupied and therefore distracted from the ED thoughts.

sylvanian family LOVE!

So after a random, but fun day! (which included a verrrrry tasty lunch at pret a manger!! oh how i LOVE that place :p) we headed home and i pushed myself to eat a full dinner even tho i wasnt very hungry... GOOD GIRL CLEM!! Today im feeling good to carry on that strength of mind, the niggles of ED thoughts are still there - cos im sitting around at home not doing anything, just some laundry and emails and stuff... but i wont cave in. Im going to stroll into town to get some bits from the supermarket later, cos it closes at 4pm, but other than that... NADA! and thats ok. I have plenty i should be doing here...!

So thats my weekend folks. nothing too exciting im afraid! Its a bit chilly here today, so im glad to see that next week we are due another heatwave - HOLLAAAAAH! Im pretty impressed with the UK weather this summer, its been not bad at all! But i still want as much warmth and sun as i can get before i leave... it makes me a much happier clemster :p And i have plenty going on again next week, so the sun always makes things feel extra good! Oh, the mothership is back this week too :) we'll see how that goes tho... she's been away for like 2weeks now and altho i DO miss her - im also very aware that we always seem to have some "settling in" issues when she gets back from being away. Hmm, must remember to be cautious of that, i certainly dont want to be triggered or upset and resort to ED behaviours... not when im doing so well!!!

Im also hoping to change my nose stud to a hoop this week! the guy who pierced it said about 3-4weeks shud be ok and it'll be 4 weeks on tues...  Soooo, im gonna go back to the shop and see what he thinks, then hopefully he'll put a hoop in for me :) Yayers!!!

ikea makes cider?!? M'okaaay!

Hope you guys are having a lovely weekend, whatever you're upto! And dont forget to enjoy the sunshine while we have it... After all, it IS nearly Autumn!! xx