With Eyes Closed I Look Closer: day-to-day up(day)te

Hey guyyyys!

Sorry i havent been in much this week...its not that ive been MASSIVELY busy, but ive just been here and there and occupied with living life, yknow... its cool! I actually feel like i can go out and be more spontaneous, doing things as a spur of the moment - rather that rigidly having to do stuff "in order". I dont wake up and NEED to stretch and walk and do silly stretches if i dont want to... sometimes i like to, but its not the law! i generally do a quick stretch every morning anyways to wake my body up... But its not painful and forced, and i dont have to do it FIRST THING anymore... sometimes i take the dog out with my mum if she's here, or i lay in abit longer or whatever. Its not a set rule anymore - and that my friends, is a very nice change :)

Ive also been alot more relaxed about eating times... like not having to be home by 6pm to start psyching myself up for dinner, like i used to. Or waiting for ages to do anything in the morning cos i want to make sure i have my "perfect" breakfast time. Its alot more fluid now... if im not hungry, ill grab an easier-to-eat food like a cereal bar and fruit instead of thinking i HAVE to have my oats etc and then feeling guilty cos ive eaten too much too fast.. Its meant im not always worrying so much, i realise i was actually increasing my anxiety by putting all these silly rules and routines onto myself... they're so unnecessary!

Im still working on the exercise thing tho. Its an ongoing battle... and one which i always knew was going to be one of the hardest areas to tackle... cos i just find it SO bloody hard to not do anything! Its unrealistic for me to have a day doing nothing at all, i get very restless and bored, so just reading a book or knitting or something doesnt cut it for my somewhat ADHD mindset! but i need to remember that incidental activity is plenty for me... i dont have to do EXTRA to make it "count". If im walking with the dog in the morning and doing a few stretches then thats fiiiiine. I dont need to do a "set" 30mins on top of that to feel okay. Cos when i DO do more - actually all it does is get my ED fired up more :s I find that if i start doing more "powered" walking, its becomes about the burn not the pleasure - then i get very down on myself, thinking i need to do more and the ED jumps into control. Whereas when i walk around town with friends or something, its fine.

I have also seen that if i am busy and occupied with other people, then its much easier (just being with people makes it easier to say NO to anorexic behaviours) like when i was in brighton - we were BUSY but not especially ACTIVE... but i was having fun and distracted by being with my friends, so it was fine. So i have consciously tried NOT to be alone too much... which is hard since i basically live alone. But my friend E has been a great help (again!!) Im so glad i met her, even in this short time - she has become one of my best friends!!! So ive been hanging out at her house most days... even if its just sitting in the sun or chatting and being silly. It stops me filling time with exercise. Im also trying to only run small, quick errands in town - so that i dont have alot of empty time to fill. Instead of going in and walking around and around, which makes the ED think i need to be walking hard and as much as i can in the time... I leave the house with enough time to get to town and then meet someone or get somewhere. Its all about recognising the trigger areas, and working to avoid them!

us ~~being~~ ~~mature~~ with straws...

Aside from that, ive been throwing a few challenges in here and there... bigger snacks in the evening before bed, grabbing a bite of stuff when im hungry... basically trying to get rid of those "set" allowances. I am also branching out to try new things, rather that staying with the same old safe foods. Oh! and im still working on introducing bits of dairy back into my diet - with some interesting results! i have found that things containing milk, arent so bad: mild discomfort, bloating and stomach aches... but thats pretty standard when i eat, so totally manageable! Dairy on its OWN is still touch and go.. as is cheese and butter. Which are still a big no-no... i tried abit of a sandwich and was quite sick :(

But its all trial and error right?... i wont let it scare me off this time. its too easy for the ED to use it as a handy restriction technique. Anyways, there are some DAMN tasty dairy things out there which i want to be able to eat eventually!! Big accomplishment this week tho... cos after being brave with that bite of cheesecake the other weekend, i decided - its SUMMER... i want to try some ice cream! So at the start of this week my friend bought a box of 4 oreo cones on special offer (id been saying how nice they looked for ages) Sooo we agreed i would try one. Ohhhhmygod was i scared!!! Ill admit, i put it off the first day, too scary. She had one tho and it did look so good. Then the next day she had another one, but i had tried something different at breakfast and was feeling abit rough... then the third day i had really got myself ready to have it, cos i wasnt gonna bail out again - but when i got to hers she said she'd eaten her last one the night before so there was only mine left!!

Uh-ohhhhh, solo challenge?!?

HELL yes!!! i took it on... no excuses this time! and it was soooo good. I only had half because i didnt want to push it... a good thing, cos as i was eating it, i was getting some nasty acid reflux, but i was pleased that id managed to try it... that was a major hurdle for my tummy (and brain) to handle! I had some repercussions (i wont TMI you, cos its not really nice to discuss toilet-talk!) but it wasnt the end of the world and i definitely wont let it stop me pushing on with it... my doctors say that since i was able to eat dairy before i got sick, i should be able to eat it again - i just need to get my body used to it again and strengthen my digestive tract. I have medication to help with the after-effects, so the more i try the easier it will get. Its not gonna hurt forever... but the longer i put it off, the harder it will be!

Sooo, i guess i can finally call myself a recovery FIGHTER eh!?

Anyways, another busy week comes to an end. Im going to meet my girlies this afternoon - it was their first week back at school this week, which felt kindof weird to not be there with them! So im looking forwards to seeing them :) But ohmygosh, im glad to be free from that routine and stress... i can see that going travelling is going to be hard. But its a chance to really DO this... i think its going to be SO good for me to get away and start living life to the full... ive felt so much freer this past couple of weeks and i know getting away from here, where i have such ingrained ED memories, its gonna be the making of me... who knows what is waiting just around the corner!!

So yeah, we are going to our usual after-work pub to dissect and gossip about the first week back shenanigans... i cant wait to get all the gossip!!!

I hope you've all had a good week and i promise ill update again soon :) i have an inkling that this is going to be another fun weekend... Im planning a weekend of hangage with the girl who has just got back from travelling in Australia (i met her for lunch a week or so ago... the cheesecake girl!!haha) So im sure there will be plenty of motivating and getting me excited to go.