bizarrities

Well here we are again, after another week of "ooh i might do a little blogging now" and then being distracted by a passing fly/small child/im a celebrity get me out of here... i arrive at the inevitable sunday morning slump. Perfection.

I am awake. I have walked the dog. I am still yet to shower (gross?! meh. i rock the bed-head look... im chanelling my inner electrocution) But i feel the urge to blog. Yup... its there people. you cant resist the urge, to herbal.... (wait isnt that a shampoo advert?! Hmm, maybe this is a hidden cosmic sign that i should wash my hair?! Naaaah. beauty can wait!) After all, sundays are my slob days. the days i dont have to see anyone (mum is away at her fair till tonight, i saw the boy yest...) and the dog doesnt care if i look like skank on a stick. its all gooooood :-)

octopus head

So back on track. This week.... Oh lordy. its been another one of those, fly by so fast that your pants catch a chill from the passing breeze! When will i get a chance to stop and smell the roses dammit?! MAN i cannot wait till the xmas holidays when i can catch some actual zzz's. But then i also have to deal with all the other shizz. Im both fearful and excited for it at the same time. it makes for some major brain confusion....

I always thought car adverts were lame, but this one rocks my socks

:-)

After last weeks hideous therapy appt. i all but gave up on trying this week, now i wanna stop you here before you read on and say if you are easily triggered, you might wanna pass on this post. Its not espeically BAD, but i havent beem very good at the whole, YAY for food, eat eat eat. type shenanigans.... so sorry. but anyways. ONWARDS.

i focused most of my attention on my lesson observation on weds and didnt really put much thought to my personal well-being or anything. If anything, ill admit, i have been kindof getting off on the restricting thing. It made me feel in control and powerful, and i needed a bit of that to give me confidence for this obs. It went well :-) Then it got to thurs and i was so grump-filled with myself and my team for being so sh*t the other day, that i rang up my T and asked to move my appt forwards to this week.... surprise surprise "thats not possible..." BAH! so i changed it to monday (tomo) im pretty sure i will have lost weight. And in a bad way, i think i have done it purposely to say to the therapist. SEE, your not doing your job properly. you should be DOING SOMETHING. now i know that is selfish.. cos this isnt their fight, its mine. and i know that, but im stubborn and i think stupidly i want to teach them a lesson. DONT just give up on people and make them think that they dont deserve help..... cos it will bite you on the ass!

Stupid, silly me.

But once i get a dumb plan in my head, its hard to break. So on monday im thinking im gonna say maybe this therapy thing isnt working anymore. Cos i have to be honest, everytime i go... i leave thinking "what did i achieve from that?" and more often that not, im at a loss for an answer :-( I go in, get weighed, he asks me about my week/2weeks and we chat sh*t. then i say "yup, yup, must try harder... see you soon" Blah Blah Blaaaaah and i go home... we have ZERO structure, ZIP! no plan, no freaking idea! im sure therapy is supposed to be more than this. basically the only reason i end up going is to see where my weights at, and since i dont wanna start getting fixated on that as the sole focus (i dont weigh myself outside of that appt, i cant really be bothered) maybe thats not a good enough reason to keep going.... what are your thought?

What does therapy mean to you?

What kindof things do you do in your appts??

I just feel like there should be some kindof targets. some challenges, something for me to DO instead of just discussing what i havent done all week.... cos its always the same. im not changing cos im not being given any motivation to change. its bloody hard to do it on your own, especially if you own treatment team dont seem to think its important.

Hmmm.

I think i know now what i need to do to get better. I have been given the meal plans, the advice, the reassurance that i wont suddenly gain a stone in a week.... I know it all. Its just a case of DOING it. Well maybe its time to address this matter hans-solo? I have the support of the boy, the mumatron and friends. Can i do better on my own?

What are your experiences of recovering solo Vs with a treatment team?

I dunno, im just gonna see what monday brings and decide then i guess.... I cant really get my head of this silly funk till ive had it out with them. THEN the plan goes into action. and please dont say the whole "why put it off, start today thing. i KNOW thats what i shud do. but i get a date in my head (eg monday, after ive had it out in therapy) and i wont be able to pull forwards till ive done it. its warped, i know. but at least its only a day away. im sick of this already, it was NOT a smart plan. ill give you that. what am i proving anyway. clearly the therapists dont care if ive tried to "make a statement" or not. im only hurting myself. i know that. but im an aries, dammit. stubborn as a ram.

On the good side, i had another lovely day with the boy yesterday :-) we mooched around town, did some xmas shopping and then had our usual 2hour slump in costa with the free papers, till the staff get pissed off and we run out giggling! then a nice walk back home through the park in the dark and an evening watching tv while i get a (very nice thankyou very much) backrub! hahahaha. im such a diva, im always like... "ooh, my back/feet/neck hurts, can you massage it purleeeease". works like a charm :-)

we passed this "homemade" fudge shop.

Mmm, christmas LOG anyone?!!?

trust me to wanna poke it!!!

Even tho im still getting the irritable thing for the first part of our dates, its decreased to the first 20mins or so now, so thats an improvement!!! i really dont know why i do it, i think just cos im just down on myself i take it out on him? Grr. its annoying and its not fair, but at least he is understanding. to be fair i AM nice to him the rest of the time!!! so by the end of the date, we're all happy smiley mushtimes.... sickening isnt it?! :-p

Im looking forwards to spending some proper time with him this holiday. ive already told him im preparing to get SUPER into the xmas vibes this year. my family (or lack thereof) dont really bother, so since his do... im gonna bring it! i dont think im gonna stay for the actual event (might be abit awkward for our first official meeting!!!) but i will def go and stay for a few days- a week before or after, depending if im being forced on the family abroad trip or not. Im excited! i like being with him :-) And he is planning lots of fun stuff for us to do, nice cosy boardgame nights and walks in the woods with his new puppy... it sounds perfect! and ive decided that after monday, after this silly "game" im playing with my restriction and control. after ive therapied out.... im done.

I want to embrace this recovery wholeheartedly. MY way. i want to start giving up the habits, letting go of the rigidity. giving myself what i want and need. making myself happy again, like i know i can be...

Cos I get snippets of what life could be like, especially when im with the boy and im chilled out from my usual weekday madness! and y'know what... it makes me happy. All the other nonsense is all part of the ED, im sure of it. Well i want out.... i want to be happy and involved and not withdrawn and obsessed with food. I had so much fun just being out and about and not worrying about that stuff. and i KNOW he can help me get that for real, not just a glimpse.... so im going for it! I dont care about my "perfectly flat stomach" or my "amazing self-control" anymore. It didnt make me happy, so whats it all worth anyway? i dont wanna look back on my life and think "Go me, i resisted eating that piece of cake" or realise that i walked myself into a skeleton and damaged my body beyond repair... thats nothing to be proud of! I want to remember laughter, love and friendship.

Its time to be thankful for second (or third, or FOURTH!) chances....

What are you thankful for? and was it worth the fight?

Happy weekend everyone.

Lets be grateful for what we are not what we THINK we should be!

xx

must 'twigh' harder

S'up Sunday Peoples?!

Its been bleedin' freezing here today, but its quite a nice cold... a kindof CRISPY cold. whatevs, it feels like wiiiiiinter to meeeeee :-p

As you might have guessed, im back to my slightly irritating, chirpy self! I was abit of a downer last week what with all the shizz going down this end. I dont want to go into all of it in detail, cos its pretty depressing... but family struggles, food struggles, too much to think about at work and general BLEH-ness, made me an unhappy (and super-stressed) bunny. But hey ho. what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. hehe... that motto will kick me in the face one day im sure of it.

So unfortunatly, i find myself in a rocky place right now. I had a slip up during the week and as my previous post stated... i ended up in my therapists office in tears (note to self, take OWN tissues... those scratchy cheapo excuses for tissues nearly made my eyeballs cry out extra in response!) Im finding it very hard to get my motivation back on track. Im getting there and ive gotta say, im nothing if not optimistic. i dont like to wallow in self-pity, im a get up and get on kinda girl :-) But i will confess that i find it hard to admit when im finding things hard. yougetme?! i dont like to admit that things are not going well, that im struggling. and thats something i REALLY need to fix. cos if i get too proud to ask for help, then i end up on a slippery slope.

So i talked to my therapist. i did the right thing (so i thought) but saying that im not coping very well. that the situation at home and with my sis is affecting me more than i seem to be able to manage and that it is affecting my chances at recovery. PHEW. i said it!

What did they do?! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! i said that altho i am keeping myself afloat for now (just) But being at work and having my set routine is the main thing thats keeping me going, i need to eat if im gonna be able to teach a full day. but im not strong enough to get back to challenging myself much... and i really dont know what im gonna do when term finishes and i have 4weeks of nothing stretching ahead of me. Nothing but anxiety about my family situation, nothing to distract me, to say im worried about relapsing is an understatement... especially in this state of mind. To think that last week i was feeling so strong, so empowered against ED. i went out for the staff meal and had chips with my dinner!! id been increasing my lunch day by day and feeling ok about not walking the same amount everyday.... and now. Poof! all gone :-( i hate how quickly all that effort and progress can go up in smoke just cos i freaked out and let myself cope by turning to my ED behaviours to comfort me.

But its not a comfort, its a bloody pain in the ASS!!!

I am starting to try and put measures in place to get me through this break from routine... asking people if i can go stay with them so i dont have to be at home all that much. but i still think it will result in me being stressed around food/eating and ending up losing weight. Its a real worry for me right now... and my therapist and dietician had nothing to offer me in terms of support. I asked them about the option of going ip for a short stay, just to get me up and running and to effectively REMOVE me from the environment that will be my major trigger... but they said that i couldnt "dictate" an ip stay. they said id have to get through it as best i could and then we'd deal with the damage, afterwards... oh great. REAL help there. have they ever heard of damage control?!?! as in trying to PREVENT something from happening?! clearly not. i mean how much evidence do they need? every holiday so far, i end up restricting... im ashamed to admit it, but whenever im out of my "i need to eat for work" routine... every half-term, every weekend for gods sake... i slip up. i cant seem to do it by myself. i need to be MADE to do it. and nobody is making me.

So what do i do???

I spoke to the boy about my stresses yesterday and he was super-supportive. i didnt go into the whole eating shebang, but i explained my need to be away from the family situation for a while and how i get very anxious when im out of my structured routine and dont feel like i have any purpose... He said he would LOVE me to come and stay with him and he would take time off to occupy and distract me as much as i needed. AWWWW!!!! he even said if i wanted to stay for a "proper" xmas i could. His family do the whole thing, cutting down a tree, decorating the house, big family meal (eek!) but all the lovely festive things that i so love but dont get to experience any more. It does sound tempting (PLUS he said he'd do me a stocking, winner!!!) but i dunno... i guess id feel bad leaving my mum all alone with my sis. and now she's harping on about going away somewhere closer instead.... gah! its too much to think about :-p

In more day-to-day news. WE SAW TWIGHLIGHT!!!!!! i know its cheesy and whatever, but i like it. Im a big girl at heart :-) I have to say tho, it was pretty dark... some of the "childbirth" scenes were seriously gory (especially since it was a 12 certificate!!) but the thing that made me gasp the most, was the focus on Bella's weight-lose and deteriorating health when the vamp-baby was essentially starving her of nutrients. it was scary to see how emaciated she looked... there were some intense moments where i had to actually remind myself that i need to see this stuff to see how sick she looked, in respect to how I look. it was a stark reminder of health and how delicate it is. i know people were shocked seeing that, but its something i see everyday.... i just block it out. Well, seeing other people gasp and react with horror at her frail and bony body made me think HARD.

if i want to get better, i must try harder....

if i want to be healthy, i must TWIGH harder!!

Have any of you seen the film yet? what did you think about it?

bleh

I cried in my therapists office on thursday...

I felt like such a fool.

But then i think felt abit better.

But then i knew i wasnt.

So i felt bad again.

Life is a toughie.

Im seeing the boy today..... Im looking forwards to a hug.

I dont want to be awkward.

I want to show him that i DO care.

OH and we're gonna see twighlight. WOOOOOOP!

i dont think he's that fussed, but he suggested it cos he knows i like it :-)

Life isnt SO bad.

Recap tomo.

Loves

x

i am so freaking tired. its overwhelming...

Im tired inside and out. I feel like my body is crying out "REST ME!!!" I never have much energy, but these days by the evening im full on slumps-ville. Sadly, as much as i hate to admit it... i know that my eating has a huge part to play in it.

I used to blame it all on my illness before i 'fessed up to the fact that i had an eating disorder. Yes, the fact that i have health issues does factor in, every winter i find it very hard to cope cos if i get run-down or sick i dont just get over it like a healthy person would, if im not careful it escalates into a full blown "cant get out of bed" relapse oh too reminiscent of the nasty M.E days when i literally could not get myself out of bed without help... urhhh i shudder to think back to that time. but those days are thankfully in the past. i AM stronger now, but blaming my past health issues, although relevant... they are not the sole reason. are they.

My ED has a big role in my feeling tired. feeling weak. feeling blue... and yes, i know all those sayings, CHECK. ive had all the metaphor speeches from my therapist/nutritionist yadda yadda yadda. my body is a car, needs petrol to run, yup. food is fuel. re-fuel your body. uh-huh. Its a simple case of been there, heard that. it goes in and i feel encouraged, then somewhere along the line... poof. its straight out the window again, usually as soon as i go back to my "real" life. the one where i think im ok, but know deep down that im kidding myself. Cos i find myself asking "is this life real???" i dont think so anymore...

okay hold ON a minute!! if this is where you think im gonna start talking to fairies, riding unicorns and preaching that im the reincarnated spirit of my nan's old cat or something then fear NOT!!! Im not quite there yet! But i do sort of feel like the life i lead at the moment is not REAL, like in terms of normality. its not sustainable to a proper functioning happy life. Even tho i cant get my head round the fact that people can be healthy while not exercising or worrying about eating junk food, i know deep down that they DO. And i know that this is far more normal than my way of thinking...

cos life is supposed to come first, right?

Well, i dont think mine does. isnt that depressing? I feel like my ED comes first. it takes precendence over my social life, my work life... everything. and i absolutely, 100% goddam HATE that. why cant i say no? why cant i stand up for what i know is right? am i so weak that i cant choose MYSELF over ED?

Im not sure anymore. i want to wake up and be 'fixed'. i dont want to have the endless burden of this on my mind... its selfish, but i want someone else to take the stress away so i can have fun again! (and please dont use this as a way to say i should go IP, i don have that option open to me, unless i go private which i cant afford. I have toyed with the idea, but i dont think its a flyer)

SO, i make baby steps. and i get frustrated.

But i think this is gonna have to be how it is... a slow process until something in my brain clicks back into place. (im ever hopeful, any day now!) No, seriously tho. i know i still need to push myself, probably more than i do... but its hard to know how, or where to even begin.

I did go out to that staff meal the other day, and it was nice! but then again it was still kindof monitered by ED, i ordered off-menu... very plain and probably no more than my usual dinner. See, I figured it was better to play safe than end up restricting (which was true, cos i managed to eat well all thru that day, probs better than usual... weirdly!) But i feel like i cheated in that i was playing straight into the disorders' hands. I opted for safe foods, i didnt have a starter or dessert like the others, i left early, didnt have any drinks etc.... yes i went. but was i really there, would i have been missed? Maybe. But i felt like i didnt really have fun or let myself go like i would have liked, or like i would have done before i got sick.

I know that if i want to get my life back i have to let go of all these ties to my ED. i need to disregard the "rules" and do what i want. but sometimes i feel like i dont know what i want anymore... i certainly dont seem to know whats good for me! My legs hurt, my knees ache, im tired even tho i havent DONE much today, Oh but you better believe i still made sure i took my dog out for her morning and afternoon walks (after doing my strength stretching in the morning...) i tried not to, but hey, guess what. i did it anyway - just in case...

JUST IN CASE WHAT?!?!?!?!

in case i suddenly turn into a wobbly mess cos i didnt do a few abs exercises?! Purleeeease. it even sounds ridiculous to ME! normal people dont neeeeeed to do this. they maybe do some strength training twice a week, no biggie. i asked my mum and she said she didnt do any stretching for 40years! and shes fine! why do i beat myself up about it?

learning to love myself through my tights?!

Well... its a start!!!

I am trying to convince myself that its better to at least TRY to stop everything for now. my body is clearly not up to it as i am finding it hard to muster the energy to do much without feeling meh about it. i want to feel FULL of energy, i want to be BOUNDING about like a puppy, not stumbling about like an injured baby dear. I keep reminding myself that if i cause an injury now (which is far more likely when underweight) that i may never be able to enjoy exercise later on... also i wont feel the compulsion to do as much if i know i CAN be healthy doing no formal routine. hell, i walk my dog, im busy at work. thats enough surely? i think im just sucked in by all these "healthy living" types who only eat clean and run 8miles a day. thats not how the majority of people live, so why do i feel i have to conform. I DONT.

AAARH, this has been a long one. im sorry if ive bored you to sleep rehashing some of the gobs of blah that are sticking to the roof of my mind right now, ill try and make this next week a more positive one!!!

Uh-oh, speaking of which.... i should really get my work-face on. i have interviews for junior scholarships tomo morning (Yeeeee!! little people enthusiastic about art!!!! me likey) and then my performance review meeting on tues (this one deserves an EEEEK. im not fully sure what im supposed to be talking about, after he asked me for 3 measurable targets, one of which is numerical. say HUH now?!) oh well... "winging-it" has always been a favourite pastime of mine :-p

After those two work related funtimes, i have some personaltimes, in the form of therapy and a nutritionist appt back to back on thurs... JOY! two weeks of eats to weigh-in. i was up quite abit last time, so we'll see if that has settled. then hoping to see the boy on the weekend! :-) He was away recording band stuff this weekend so it was a little lonesome... arhhh who'd have guessed this self-proclamined "anti-relationshiper would be a secret hidden softie at heart! (im NOOOOT really, i mean. i miss him abit, but its nothing majah okay?! im still tough (ha! as if.)

ok, well im still independent!

i even did my own laundry this morning

:-p

at least i know how to separate my whites & my coloureds!!

here comes another week people...

ENJOY

x

weirdness

Oh its been a weird old day today. Im feeling abit.... well... weird!

i dunno. now actually the more i write weird the more weird it looks and i feel silly. moving on!

So this week has trickled along ok, business as usual. but ive been feeling abit blah lately. Also my sister came home for an impromptu visit on sunday, she had the nasty and shocking news last week that she had lost her job :-( It sucks for her and i genuinely am sorry... but guilty as charged... i cant help but also be a little bit scared, it might be selfish, but my head tells me that if she doesnt have a job, what does she have to keep her from deciding to just move back here? ohmyholygodofscaredypantsness. yeah. im worried.

Its not that i dont WANT to get on with her. I would love nothing more than to have a sister who i could share things with, to chat and be close and do silly things together... but its just not like that. it makes me sad when i see people who are close to their siblings and hang out with them and DO stuff and i just cant imagine being like that with her. I mean i find it hard to be in the same room as her sometimes, so what hope does that give me.... People have said "oh but in the future.... Things will change" so maybe, one day? who knows. but for now, what i DO know is that having her around = stress and anxiety for me.

So, she was home, but ignored me mostly, which was fine! Work on monday and tuesday were standard, but then Today... BAM! i had such a crazy day! FIRST off, when i got in, i saw i had cover for the other art teacher who had called in sick. Boo. SECOND up, im told that there is a woman in who wants to train to be a teacher and was supposed to be observing the other art teacher, but as he was off, would be shadowing me instead. DOUBLE boo. i dont mind being observed, but it meant i had to factor in "entertainment" for her (cos usually the pupils are continuing a project) so i had to explain, brief and summarise everything for her, rather than get on with my class! and THIRD, one of the junior teachers was sick, so i had to double up my junior classes to cover him. GAAH!!! on the spot improvised lesson in about 10 mins?! not my idea of fun! ASWELL as having this woman trailing me about. ohmygod.. i was all set for a killer day....

Little did i know what was around the corner tho!

Our head of senior school is a notorious joker... and what i didnt realise, was that earlier that morning, he had introduced this trainee and cracked a joke about her being my new "replacement" (funny... NOT) so all morning i had staff coming up to me all concerned thinking i was leaving!!! Eventually an email had to be sent round explaining the mix up, but i was worried for a min... i thought maybe i was being replaced, without knowing it!!!

So, all in all. Another craaaazy day. But even tho it was an awkward mix-up, in a way it was nice to know that people care. i had SO many of the staff come up and say how glad they were that it wasnt true and that i wasnt going to be leaving :-) It was nice! I always thought of myself as the "odd one out", the teacher who didnt quite fit in, cos obviously im younger than alot of them and i dont tend to go in for the "cliquey" groups... i just try and get on with everyone! so it was nice to see that im not totally unnoticed after all :-p

But would i have passed that up for an easier day, Hmmm... lets just say

thank GOD its hometime!

And suitably timed for PRIME gossiping opportunity, is the other thing thats playing on my mind... the girls staff meal tomo night. Im kindof excited, but also sh*t scared. I have tackled eating out in restaurants already, and im ok with it... but its usually with a small number of people who know about my eating issues. This, however will be a big bunch of people, all jostling and chatting and eating unawares of little old me and my potential freakouts! Oooh, im a smidge nervous! i want to do it and i will NOT BACK OUT. im not gonna let my ED stand in the way of being a part of the group, but i can imagine its gonna be a mental slog... thank god its nearly the weekend, right?!

This ties in to the last thing (promise!) thats been on my mind since, well, since my last weigh in when i put back on the weight id lost the previous weigh in (after half terms slip-up) and some MORE. it worries me that i am gaining when i have not made that significant change to my intake. I AM eating more and im managing to upp it bit by bit when im feeling confident. but im still not meeting the big plan C mealplan that i was so determined to get to... *hangs head in shame* in fact, i dunno if im always hitting my plan B :-(

There are still days when im busy or distracted or just feeling wimpy and i dont eat as much as i could, i try to make it up in the evening, but thats often hard when im full or I chose the easier to handle, safer ED influenced options.

I know its not cool, but desite all this i still end up asking myself...

why am i gaining still? It really worries me cos i WANT to kick start my metabolism. i know that by eating more i would be doing myself a favour in the long run, if i want to maintain on a decent amount of food without killing myself exercising... but jeez its hard work to get my brain to register that and take action. THEN i worry that the more i prolong it and "under-eat" the more i will continue to gain while still being a wimp about eating whatever the hell i feel like (or even just eating 2500 would be a start!) so help me people!

What should i do?

Do i go all out... balls to the wall and just EAT? but what if i cant do that?? will it affect my metabolism? will i continue to gain ALL the weight back at a sub-optimal calorie intake... cos that sucks monkey balls! i dont wanna be weight-restored and still afraid to eat....

If im honest, what i really want to do is QUIT the walking, EAT the 2500 and just see what happens. If just to see where my body goes and then adapt accordingly. i mean realistically... how the hell am i supposed to know my maintenance if i wont even give my body a chance to find it?

but yet i STILL get stuck, i still get scared and i still stick to my stupid disordered thinking. "i'll eat when im hungry, whats the point of eating when im not... thats GREEDY". God its so frustrating... i wish i could take of my head and swap it with a non-eating-disordered person for a while. it would be a welcome break, thats for sure!

Anyways, enough rambling now. I will dust off my bad day and get on with the next. Nobody can accuse me of not being positive in that respect!!! (plus there's a good episode of come dine with me on tv tonight, and WHO can be down after that :-p)

So weirdness be GONE!

enjoy your evening people and wish me luck for tomo's big dinner outing!

x

whoa there tiger!

Ummm, can we stop and take a second here. Cos when the hell did it get to being friday?! i just checked my last post and that was from SATURDAY... like LAST saturday, as in almost a week ago.

Holy potato!

I guess i HAVE been a busy bee.... which kindof figures why i looked abit like this most of today :-p

i need to get some of these sleep-glasses...

Soooo... party people...

whats poppin'..? hows it hanging? whats yo BiZnAss?!

baha. i can only apologise. im slightly hyped up after a week of a hellovalotof work and not a whole bunch of zzz's. hmm. if only i liked coffee as much as my american girrrrrls :-p (you know who you are, starbucks lovaaahs!!)

apparently the bigger the better?!

Fancy a little run down of the week chez-moi?! m'okaaay then, but it best be a shortie cos i have some seriously important shizz (sleeping) to do :-)

So... Monday.

BACK TO WORK!!! after a much needed week off for half term it was all go back on monday morning... im so glad i kicked the whole "i-must-walk-into-work-every-morning" thing, cos my GOD the weather is a puddle of plop right now. rain rain rain. its non-stop! i hate the rain by the way, it makes me an angry bear, seriously. a proper bee-hatch. which is mad cos im usually SO damn sweet :-p haha.

what else happened... oh yeah. it was halloween! no great smokes there im afraid. id LOVE to say i popped on my bear outfit and romped about town trick or treating, but id be wearing some flaming hot, burning pants right now, cos i didnt.

Instead i sat home and got work done while my annoying pooch barked ENDLESSLY at all the little kids laughing and running about dressed as very unscary ghosts/witches/vampires... outside.

Boo Hiss :-p

Tuesday was uneventful: nuff said!

Wednesday was pretty crazy cos i had to prepare everything for parents evening the following night and THEN go see my therapist after work (weigh-in and all) but dun dun durrr.

i GAINED!!!

Which im pleased about cos i had lost the previous week when i saw my dietician... partly cos of my freakout early in the week and my sis and stuff. i saw it coming, but then it STILL always gets me when the scale hops back up... GAH, i wish i wasnt bothered by this stuff. cos the actual number doesnt faze me, its the actual process of gaining weight and the mental crap that buzzes round my head 24/7 that bugs me. i hate feeling BAD for being a couple of numbers up... its crazy cos i get such mixed feelings. i feel happy that i gained, confused that i gained so much so fast when i didnt change a whole lot and then guilty cos secretly i feel abit down that i gained. urgh, i didnt let it get to me and i PROUD cos i didnt restrict at all before the weigh-in. in fact, i had a bigger lunch than the day before, so HA. take that stupid ED....

Thursday was a looooong day. up early, lots of work. its my nasty busy day anyway, and safe to say it was made even longer and harder by the fact that i had to sit in a stuffy room for FOUR hours after i finished work to meet and greet parents and discuss their kids progress.... snores ahoy. basically.

Oh and plus it went on longer than i thought, cos SO many parents turned up late and didnt stick to their appointment times... so when i DID eventually get home (and yes, it was raining and dark when i left.. thanks karma) it was past dinnertime and i was just NOT in the mood to eat/make anything. usually id have used this as a perfect excuse to skip dinner, but my mum reminded me that im trying to get better and kick those bad habits (bless her, LOVEEEE to the mumatron!) so i made a snackeroo dinner of lots of cereal, some muffins and biscuits. yeah, nutritious delicious right?! my sweet tooth was raging for a change :-)

So i did ok. i think....

Im pleased that i didnt give in to my usual habits. my eating is getting better and my willpower stronger with it. this is positive! if only i could blitz he thoughts in my head that make me want to exercise. i know i CANT exercise, but my god does it make me feel like a lazy lump that im not doing as much as ED would like me to. thats when i have to keep reminding myself that what im doing right now is MORE than enough. in fact i should be doing nothing at all...

be strong mentally. get better. be stronger physically.

i think thats gonna be my new chant!

(well, until i slump onto the sofa in a post busy-week stupor)

Enjoy this friday eve people and dont forget its bonfire night tomo!!!

bring on the fireworks. woopwoop!!

xxx