mood swings

Now i know im hormonal this week due to a certain lady who pops by for a (not so) welcome visit once a month.... (WOW that was long-winded!)

But sometimes i hate how erratic my moods can be.

Lately ive started to notice how much my ED influences my moods. When things go "right" i am a happy, bouncy, fun person! Similar to the one i was pre-ED... but then when things go off plan, or my routine gets messed up, i turn into this irrational, grumpy, sad, tearful.... (the list goes on!) girl who quite frankly, i dont recognise.

Its scary to think that i can be two different people, saying that, there could almost be THREE! there is the old me, the pre-ED, happy girl who (to be honest) i thought had dissapeared... it was so long since i saw her shine through i almost thought that id lost her completely :-(

BUT... never jump to conclusions! Cos recently, ive seen this side of me come out abit more! Nothing major, the other two sides to me are more present... but to know that somewhere inside me, that girl still lives.... is comforting. I know she'll be back. i just have to kick the other ED sides of me out first!

So, theres THAT side... lets call her "old-me-that-happy-girl-that-we-miss-and-want-back" (what!? you thought i was going to go with a shortened name?!?! oh OK. the "old-me"...

meh, sounds dull. i like the first one :-p

The next side is the omnipresent me. The girl who gets on with her life but isnt really living it. I get up, i eat, i go to work, i eat, i come home, i walk my dog, i eat, i watch tv... yeah, its not especially exciting!!!

Then theres the side i cant quite figure out. i guess its the ED side, the side that i dont recognise, the side that isnt really part of me... its hard to pinpoint when this side pops up, cos somedays its kindof always there, other days it just springs up and ruins a perfectly good moment. Its unpredictable, its unreliable and its BAD NEWS.

Does anyone else have these different "sides" to them?!

and if so....

how do you distingish between what is you and what isnt?

Today i had a perfectly nice day, but when i took the dog out - she didnt come when i called her, she smelled something nice (or nasty more like!) and stubbornly refused to listen to my calls. Sooo i had to go back and get her. Now for some reason this really bugged me. Man, it sounds so stupid when i write it down, i mean you'd think ED would like the fact that i had to walk back, therefore having to do more walking right? but no... it made me mad! And this is when i noticed this extra side to me... the irrational, narky one!

I think its because even tho she is obedient to me, her owner.... she is still her own person (or dog? i dont know quite how to phrase that!) I cant control her actions or her mind. So i was thinking about it as i walked home... it links back to when i try and control what my mum does, getting upset if she doesnt want to eat a big dinner with me, or if she decides to walk to the shops instead of taking the car. Again i fall foul to ED's need to be in charge.

but im not in charge am i...

and i CANT control other people.

really, nor should i want to!

Im so caught up in being in control of my eating and my routine and all the things that influence it, that if they then go slightly off-kilter, it can ruin my mood. I need to start applying the technique of seperating myself from ED into my emotions aswell. If i feel like i am starting to act in an ED way, becoming irritated by silly things or being overly controlling of the situation,

I need to step back and reming myself that this is NOT the real me....

If i can remind myself of that first side of me, yup... the "old-me-that-happy-girl-that-we-miss-and-want-back" (hehe, you know it works!) then i can try and pull myself back and see that this is the ED thinking, not me. URGH, i hate to think that im mind-sharing with a nasty disease, but watch this space, cos if i get my way...

then there's gonna be an ED eviction pretty soon!!!

In other news, weigh in tomo. EEEEK nerves are kicking in right about now. Its been 2 weeks since my last weigh-in, and im starting to worry that i havent done enough to make a change in the scale. i ALWAYS do this, i start beating myself up before i even know what the score is. so this time im gonna STOP, im gonna reflect on those thoughts and i judge them to be "inappropriate ED thinking"... soooo, i will turn that around and in the style of the very savvy sarah, say....

"well done me! i may still be struggling with ED thoughts and behaviours, but i am recognising them for what they are and learning how to act on them and turn them around in a positive way. I will learn from my mistakes and take each day as it comes"

Phew, y'know what... that felt good! i recommend it.... take a second to appreciate what you've got people, cos there's only one of you out there in the whole wide world.

You are special & unique & deserve to feel good!

Ok, love-in over!! :-p

Happy Sunday lovelies

lets make this new week a good'un!

xxx

P.s I just re-read the beginning of this post and can i say OHMYGOD im so SORRY for starting this post talking about my (ahem) cycle!?! what was i thinking!!! i blame the hormones, yup... its the hormones fo sho. (oh dear, here i go again.... seriously. this is me signing out!)

.....and im gone!

snow?!

I kid you not, i just had SNOW!!!! ok, so it wasnt alot of snow, in fact to start with i kindof thought i just happened to be walking downwind of someone with bad dandruff... but still, there it was! a couple of solitary flakes, ooooh winter is coming. No hiding from it now! (and might i add, my fingers feel like ICICLES right now, i need me some proper winter gloves, with sheepskin lining, like ugg boots for hands. mmmmmm. i love uggs. they are like feety heaven...

i wouldnt mind if my fingers looked THIS cool tho!

OK STOP!! what am i doing?!? im rambling off again!!! i really need to get this in check, its turning into a serious habit... i mean, feety heaven?! who writes this stuff?!?!

Today has been a nice day actually, despite the bitter chill. I had a formal observation at work yesterday (we have them every term) and it went well!!! i got my feedback back and the guy said i was only a few marks off outstanding! YAY! But he said he didnt wanna give it to me this time as it was his first time assessing me and that wouldnt give him much scope for next time! (OHemGEEEE, is this for real!?) i mean i know i love my job and i like to think im good at what i do... but sometimes i think that with all the other shizz going on in my life at the mo, that i get distracted and dont give it my all.... well its nice to know that i can still pull it out the bag when needs be :-p

Moving on, im glad to report that ive been feeling alot more upbeat lately :-) ive had more energy and since i upped my iron intake again ive felt less lethargic too (my doc told me my iron levels had fallen below again so i had to upp my pills to once every day again)

I also think the feelings of restriction are fading a little, not completely, GOD no. i still get the nasty urges to compensate with exercise and not to have that big dinner, but im trying not to let it dictate my life so much. Im trying to see MYSELF rather than seeing my anorexic side. This is helping, cos the more i separate myself from the ED, the more i find myself remembering what life is like without it. Ive found that by splitting the divide between the anorexic me and the normal me, i can dictate the good thoughts alot better, i CAN overrule ED's hold on me, i just need to keep fighting it, chipping away at its power until i see it for what it really is...

a nasty, cowardly disease that has no place in my life anymore.

HAHA! and y'know what... it feels really good saying that!

WOOOOOO!!!

lets hear it for empowerment!

:-)

red socks?!?!

Good afternoon everyone! well, i hope it is for you, cos if im honest, so far

mine is abit bleh...

Ive been feeling like this for a couple of days now. im just not feeling like im getting anywhere in this recovery. im stagnant! Plus ive got some serious guilt issues going on at the mo....

The guilt is a tricky one cos its a double sided bundle of confusion, to sum it up in a nutshell! I feel like im stuck in a weird limbo between being able to see that my routine and rigidness with food is silly and pointless and doesnt make me happy but still not quite being able to stop myself from following it regardless.

I know alot of this is due to the fact that my weight is below that mental "threshold" where your brain cannot function in its right mind cos its essential being starved, (hmm, nice mental pic there) my T has already explained this... aswell as saying that normally therapists dont work with people outside IP until theyve reached a certain BMI or some jargon. (cos, NOW i feel special!) So overcoming these feelings will be easier if i could put some damn weight on. But it just doesnt seem to be happening....

Yes, i know.

"up ur intake by another 500 per day to increase by a lb a week"

But its not always that simple is it?! I find myself constantly fighting to have more and try new things (which i AM doing, gently....) but the thing thats making me feel down is the guilt i now feel on both sides of the situation.

for example:

• If i eat a big lunch, ED makes me feel guilty....
• If i dont have enough for lunch, I make myself feel guilty...
• If i dont do my usual amount of walking to work & back, ED makes me feel guilty for being lazy...
• If i end up going over my usual amount, or have to take the dog out on top of my walk to work & back, I make myself feel guilty...

So basically, I cant win either way!

This is good in a way, cos im getting so fed up with feeling bad as a consequence to whichever decision i make, that i figure i might aswell just take the decision that i know is right. Cos back when ED would praise me for being controlled, th would be worth more than the niggling feeling at the back of your head that tells you that what you're doing is unhealthy... now that little niggle has developed into a full-blown RANT!

Those ED praises are being overshadowed by this newly shouty "good" part of my brain, the part thats started fighting back... and altho this is a positive, it does leave me kindof in a turmoil at the moment! I suppose it will be easier when i stop listening to the ED side and let the shouty good voice take the lead for a change, god knows ive squashed it down into silence for long enough, maybe its time i let it sing out!!!

The point of this blog title in case you were wondering, is because as part of this mental guilt struggle.... i have been running around town, going from shop to newsagent to cafe cos the good voice is saying, "you havent had enough for lunch, you need to get something more to eat" so i think, okay fair enough...

then ED chimes in and says, WHAT?! why?? youve got a sandwich for lunch, thats more than you used to have, AND you have some healthy snacks back at work... have those instead..."

THEN good voice pips in again, "but you'll never get over your fears if you live life in a safe little bubble, think of your LIFE, think about what you WANT from this recover... Anyway, you like a challenge, go tackle a fear food..."

ARGH!!!

Seriously, has anyone else faced this crazy tug-of-war with good Vs bad?!?!

im exhausted, being the piggy in the middle is tiring stuff!

So wait, am i the rope then?!?!

So... after a few days doing these random trips into shops and then panicking and backing out, then trying again and so on... I feel like the shopkeepers must have tabs on me - thinking im some kindof crazy shoplifting loon!!!! which made me think of when i worked weekends back at the shop, whenever we had a potential shoplifting suspect... we'd say, "oh, have we got any red socks?!? i think we might need some more red socks..."

Ahh, just another random blog of fun for y'all there. Not that most of it made much sense, but hey... step inside my head for a while, its a party in here :-p

Sunday Funday tomo people!

i hope you've all got some good weekend plans :-)

xxx

OH and look out for next weeks dinner recipe challenges! Mum gets back on monday, so i have a feeling there's gonna be some more "come dine with me" moments!!! Im gonna try and photograph it this time (as long as i dont overcook the steak like i did last time :-p)

WOOPWOOP!!

and i think you all know what that means!!! :-p

Yup, it is the day after the night before and guess what!? IM STILL ALIVE! i havent suddenly exploded or gained a ton of weight. NO, im still me. same old same old, regardless of my dinner lastnight... which might i add, was rather tasty! :-)

Yeeee, i conquered stage one. now im not going to toot my horn TOO much cos it wasnt perfect by any means.... i did get scared, i didnt eat what would be considered a "normal" amount even tho i did try my best and i may or may not have put more on mums plate in an attempt to feel better cos i knew she was having more... (Ok, yes. i admit to that, im being honest ok!! And i was never trying to say i was perfect!)

But... Surely the main point is that i HAD it?!

I felt good, but i also felt a bit like a cheater. AGAIN im being hard on myself, i need to stop doing this, punishing myself for not doing better... cos im doing what i can and i AM trying. Thats enough for me right now, as long as i know that i am making steps in the right direction, then im gonna stop striving for some kindof perfect recovery. Cos who can judge what perfect is?! theres no right or wrong way to gain as long as you DO... the things you eat and the rate that you gain is subjective, in the same way that we are all unique in our own way, the approaches we have and the actions we take are the same. UNIQUE. i need to remember that when i start reading about another article about what the latest skinny celeb has eaten for breakfast!!! :-p

SO, i am not resting on my laurels (what does that even MEAN?!?!?) Cos today was hard. Not, strangely, because i felt that i needed to compensate for last night, but because i always find it hard to keep going when ive done something different, its like i always slip back for a moment, then have to get myself back to normal. Cos if im honest... lastnight was fine! i didnt feel that full or bloated or icky... (i think subconciously, i balanced it pretty well in terms of higher density lower bulk) i even still had space for my usual pud and cereal without feeling too uncomfortable!

Which by the way, i think this is the key to success for the time being, cos when i FEEL overly full, i get freaked out, no surprises there. But weirdly (and i talked about this in therapy) if im full to pop and bloated out with fruit or veg, i dont feel bad... cos i tell myself that if its just fruit/veg then its not be bad for me and wont do anything bad or turn to fat. Whereas heaven forbid i shud eat something "bad", cos then my mind almost creates this feeling of fullness, of grossness, of uncomfortableness (i KNOW thats not a word, but roll with it!) and i find it hard to justify having eaten it. its a psychological hurdle that im still figuring out how to hop over, but i'll get there. Its just another obstacle to overcome... eventually ill be like one of those olympic hurdler who flies over those posts like they're not even there!

check out the faces on theses laydeees!

i think id like a slice of that kinda determination please :-)

Did any of you do hurdles at school? i remember me and a friend planned a "fake hurdles accident" so we could get out of running the long distance event! Ahh, always such a drama-queen... But yeah, I was never good at track events, i was a field girl at heart (and NOT just cos i was skiving behind the sports hut!) Give me a high jump pole and id flip right over it!!! I was just never much of a runner....

Anyway, where was i?!?! i seem to have lost my point (again) UMMM. *quick scroll back*, ahh yes today. today was hard. I have found another of my weak spots for restricting. When i have a full day at work, im fine. i have my lunch at lunchtime, i have snacks when im peckish, i have more when i get home... its a routine. its fixed. But what happens when that routine gets mixed up? well its simple... i get mixed up too.

I dont teach on tues afternoons, but usually im used for cover (as us teachers so often are in there free periods, GRR!) But today i was free as a bird. So i thought, well ill get to go home early, thats good! Then i thought, well i hud save my pennies for lunch tomo and just make something when i get home. (all fine and dandy so far) Then i thought, "oh i still have my gingerbreadcake cookies to eat from earlier, i better have them before i head home".

So i did, and they were yum! i popped them in our crusty staffroom micro and blasted them till they went all warm and squishy :-)

But then things started to go a bit pear shaped...

Mmm, this pear looks pretty tasty! Anyone else feeling hungry now?!

I got home and mum was there, which i didnt expect, so we got chatting for a while... i didnt want to make anything while she was there (i still get abit anxious and offput when people are around watching me make food) and by the time she'd gone again, the pooch was badgering me to take her out and my lunchtime urges had gone. I KNEW i shud still have made something, but i didnt :-( I wish i had, cos now im going to have to make it up at dinner... but something held me back.

Now im not gonna get down about this, cos there was a positive in this event (believe it or not!) Cos this time, instead of thinking, yay i can eat more at dinner and i havent eaten as much as i shud... I thought. DANG thats annoying, i could have done that.

I know that its easy to be caught off guard by unforseen changes in a routine, but thats not an excuse to let ED take a hold again. So after this realisation, i rang mum up and asked if we could push forwards our next dinner challenge to tonight. I had my eye on this new hotpot chicken dish that i found, its a different take on the usual roast chicken we do already. i need to experiment with different ways of cooking and different meals, so this is a good way to challenge myself but still eat the foods i love....

guess what, she agreed! So tonight comes recipe challenge numero DUO. two challenges in two days eh?! get me!

I know i could have waited and done it tomo, liked planned. But i just felt that i wanted to take back that control that ED robbed me off earlier today. Yes my routine changed and i reacted in a negative way... but now i am taking the incentive to change it again, and this time blieve me im gonna STICK WITH MY INSTINCTS!! I wont let one little hiccup get in the way of my week. im putting it behind me and carrying on. not starting again...! but carrying on with what i originally started :-)

hope you've all had a good start to the week!

and thankyou SO much

for ur continuing support

cos you guys

really are

fab

:-)

xxxx

Im feeling abit anxious tonight...

Its been a nice weekend, ive chilled, ive baked (gingerbread, which turned out alot more BREAD than ginger! i intended for biscuits but overshot and was left with little breadcakes, meh... ill eat em! update: 2 down already!) this all sounds good right?!?

Well, not exactly... i STILL havent been able to drag myself out of this rut that i appear to have landed in :-(

I dont know why, but im just feeling really down on myself at the moment. Its like i cant quite get my happy face back on. I get passing waves of happiness, but then i almost subconciously squash them down again cos i feel like i dont deserve them... especially when im doing so badly at getting my weight gaining on track.

Im starting to think that maybe this is actually having an adverse effect on my attempts to get back on track, what do you think?? Cos when im feeling good about gaining, i find it easier to try harder... but when im in a negative frame of mind, its like banging my head against a brick wall! (tempting, but i really shud try to keep ahold of the braincells ive got) GAH! this is such a vicious cycle... how do people actually get themselves OUT of this kindof hole?! it seems like the harder i try to climb, the further i get from the top....

I had a sit down today and went through some of the stuff that bounces around my head all week but doesnt get "seen to" (hehehe) cos i dont have time.... I realise that i distract myself with being busy so i dont have to deal with my emotions. but i WANT emotions! they tell me more about myself and could actully help me in order to pinpoint what is holding me back, so i need them right now!

I am seeing my therapist tomo and im worried that i havent really tried this week, so i doubt my weight will have anything encouraging to show for my lack of effort. im finding it so hard at the moment, i dont know why, cos i was so positive a few weeks back, tackling the pub meal and the doughnut and stuff... whats changed??? Is it because i wasnt consistent? Would it have been easier if id made myself do that every day instead of praising myself before id actually really achieved anything?? Who knows...

But what i DO know is that i have this feeling, its like my body is telling me i need to gather my strength together right now, cos things are going to have to change. Im enlisting the help & accountability of my mum, Im going to show her the MP my nutritionist gave me, which i have never done yet... See i preferred to think i could do it myself, whereas in reality, it was my sneaky ED telling me that if i kept it to myself, i could judge what i did and didnt need. What a mistake. I shant be making that on again....

No, Im about to take on something big. Im on the cusp and im leaning over... If i dont jump, then im damn well gonna freefall anyway! Im sick of teetering. Im gonna do what needs to be done and if that means passing the control onto someone else, then so be it. Its that ir IP, so whats the difference?!

Ive spoken to my mum a couple of times over the past week and we discussed a few things, but im gonna ask to step it up even more next week... Ill talk to my T about it tomo, but otherwise im just gonna keep going, week after week, saying the same things and not taking enough action to make it happen.

Anyway, me and mum decided to do a "proper meal" 3x a week where we BOTH sit down and have the SAME meal together. It'll be something that we've picked out from a recipe book, mums pretty ok with whatever, so i get to choose until i feel comfortable with her choosing something and making it herself.

A whole meal, main, side and dessert. No salad substitutes and scarcely there carbs. SO today, i went through our stash of Jamie Oliver's (books that is, sadly i dont have a collection of mini pukka chefs on my mantelpiece or anything!) and off to the supermarket i went...

Ooh only need the one hand jamie?!

I bet he dropped those a minute after this was shot :-p

I managed to get various goodies and it was actually pretty fun! But the shopping part never is, i could spend hours ogling the tasty food and thinking of what would go well with what (and im guessing im not alone in this, right?!) But the real proof is in the pudding....

can i really do this without freaking out?!

I damn well hope so, cos....

....On the (planned) menu for monday night is:

Steak (Meat for mum, Quorn for moi)

Oven cook rosemary roasted potatoes & seasonal Veg

Dessert (yet to be decided!)

OOH its like something off come dine with me! :-)

Stay tuned people, ill let you know how it goes.... xxx

questionnaire

YAAAY, its the weekend!!!

....again! seriously loving how fast the week flies by :-)

not long till xmas folks. YEEEEEE!!!

Just a Quickie post to reply to the lovely Fi's Qns the other day, I will do a proper post laterrrs, (probs tomo). as ive got some saturday errands to run this afternoon. Most of which will involve me getting tangled up in the dog leads as i am going to attempt to do my shizz with the pooch in tow (mum is away for the weekend again) so i am CANINE COMMANDER numero UNO!!!! ahh, how i love the power. apparently weekday rule enforcement at school just aint enough for this chick :-p

Anyway, onto the Qns, cos boy do i LOOOOOVE a good Questionnaire!

1. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

This morning i had my weekend brekkie! (Not so different from the weekday but i get to spend time making it look all pretty and then eat it bite by bite instead of inhaled in a mad rush while pulling clothes on, grabbing work and getting out the door!) SO i had me a glass of pom juice to help wash down my gazillions of medecine pills (no joke... shake me, i rattle) followed by a lovely big bowl of porridge with LOTS of honey, some blackberries mixed in and sprinkled with seeds. Ahh, perfect winter morning fuel... warm, filling and scrumptious :-)

2. What did you want to be when you were 5?

When i was 5?! probably a princess! After that I wanted to be anything to do with horses and then i wanted to be an interior designer... i ended up a teacher, hmmm!

3. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
I have one older sister

4. Do you speak any languages?
I speak French, Spanish and a smidge of german (and i mean SMIDGE!)

5. Whats your "guilty" pleasure in terms of music and/or tv?

I love radio one, i know its not music per say... but i have a massive crush on chris moyles :-p

As for tv, its gotta be come dine with me, such a great show!

6. What was your fave cartoon as a child? i used to like the moomins?? do they still exist?!

7. What is your most cringiest childhood memory? Shell-Suit, nuff said.

8. Is there any particular blogger that inspires you in general/inspired you to blog?

All of you!!! i started reading blogs a while back and it was the amazing sense of community and support that made me want to be a part of bloggerdom, hehe. I was sceptical at first, why would anyone want to read about ME?!?! But im glad i made that step, it has been an incredible help to me as well as allowing me to meet some wonderful people :-)

I love these little Questionnaires.... im such a geek!! thankyou fiiiiii

Now i invite you, yes YOU to answer these same Qn's in the comment box,

i love hearing your side of things too!!

And on that note, ill say toodles & spk to u lovelies TOMO!

stay classy.....

xxx

non-starter

Evening everyone,
I so want to tell you all that im having a great week... but i would be afraid that my pants would burst into flames and id have a burned bum. (which actually VERY NEARLY HAPPENED TODAY!!!!) do you want me to explain or is it too early in this post to start rambling off on a tangent again?!? okaaaaaay you twisted my arm! and lets face it, its not like i ever get to the point in a clear-cut, direct kinda way is it?! haha,

Ill keep it brief tho, baaaasically. In our staff room (ahem BASEMENT HOLE) we all have a desk each, space is seriously limited and since i was the last to join the crew in the hole, aswell as being the one with the least amount of equipment to haul about (mine is pretty much stashed up in the art room) so i said id make do with the "microwave desk"... which true to its name, is the desk which also houses the microwave! What i also have discovered is because its the desk by all the plug points (hence the microwave) it also is right in from of the wall heater. OH DEAR... now this was never an issue until the UK decided to reform itself into a giant ice-cube. we NEED the heater on to survive down there, but this means that my table gets scorchio! I forgot about this and hopped on board for some comfy seating (who ever really uses chairs?!?!) and cue some F*(&**&W(*W(QDY*(*(&* ing and a very hot bot :-p it was actually pretty funny, and not that painful it was more the shock that got me! i did do a little "hot potato" dance tho, comedian... moi?!

SOOOO theres the burned bum story... now i actually have to scroll up to remember what i was saying in the first place! bear with me, this tends to happen a fair bit in my life!

oh yeeees, burned bum, pants on fire... LIAR LIAR. yup. we got there in the end :-)

So basically, id be lying if i said that things were all great. I blogged over the weekend about how i was going balls out onto this new MP and i was all motivated and determined and the worst thing is, i really thought i could do it....

Not to say i didnt give it a go, i started monday off pretty well... I had therapy in the morning but sadly again no gain (well a smidge of a 0.6) and again my T reminded me about having to add extra in order to get past this plateau, and i thought "well nows the time, get yo ass in gear" so I had a good lunch - even added a packet of crisps onto the usual! (they tasted rank tho, WAY oversalted... i nearly gagged and i LOVE salt!) also made all my snacks and a good dinner, but for some reason yesterday it just started to go abit wrong :-(

First up it was POURING with rain when i got ready for work, really pissing it down. I hate the rain, i mean if i could get rid of one thing in the world, it wouldnt be spiders or cracked lips or missing my fave tv show people whistling too loudly or any of the (many!) other things that annoy me... nope, it'd be RAIN. i despise it.... (saying that, ive never experienced tropical rain, i think id like that... if it was hot like a shower. Undecided)

SORRY, im going off again. Im really bad today!

So usually id have asked mum to drive me in, but she was away so i had to open up my flimsy excuse for an umbrella and brave it. I... got... soaked...

And then i had to work through the whole day with wet socks and frizzy hair, i wasnt best pleased :-p

It was a hectic day anyway and i had to work thru break which meant i skipped my snack and by lunch already the ED control had kicked in.... BOY is he a fast worker.

I had lunch, but i didnt have the cake pud that i had planned to get as per my "2nd day of the plan" i ended up having my am snack instead, which technically i shud have had aswell. OH, it just didnt go well, and then i was stressed when i got home and i really wanted to talk to my mum about it and ask for her help, (which ive been wanting to do for a while now) so i took the pooch out for a quick ball throw cos i felt like i needed to clear my head and think of what to say, but when i returned mum had gone out! i was gutted, frustrated, angry, hurt.... it just wasnt good. I rang her up and bawled, even shamefully blamed her for not being here when i wanted her to be!!! ( i mean how SELFISH can i be) i dont know what was up with me, i just felt like having a tantrum and crying.... by the time she'd got back i had calmed down, but i just couldnt get my head in the right space to talk about stuff, so i said id have to do it another time.... she was ok with that, but sometimes i wonder if she looks at me like im the strangest creature in the world.... Reassure me here peeps!

Do your emotions ever get the better of you?

Do u ever feel like you cant explain yourself without sounding crazy?

Now i KNOW that this recovery is upto me and i need to face up to reality. But it scares me how easily i can lose track of myself and slip back. I dont want to use this as a crutch for my emotions anymore. I want to DEAL with situations in a healthier way, without resorting to my ED safety techniques.

I want to move forwards but i cant seem to keep consitency long enough for it to make a difference....

Help me out guys, what do you suggest?? Im trying to pick up where i left off with my new MP, but im not sure whether i can just jump straight back in without consequences, i really dont want to end up delaying it till next week again (i usually get more motivated for a fresh start on a monday) I need to have gained by my next weigh in, i really want to prove my T i can do this... I had my 6month sum up type thing last week and altho i have made great strides mentally, because of my stomach illnesses, i had managed to go back to almost the exact weight i was when i started :-( My therapist brought up IP again.....

I dont want to end this on a bad note, so in happier news. I had my ECG on monday and it was all fine!!! :-) Not that this means i am healthy and shud go run a marathon :-p

But it des put my mind at ease that i havent totally destroyed my body, there is hope for me yet.. i CAN fix this, its totally reversible....

......right???

poor dannii..

Ok, so there's this massive M&S billboard on the roundabout by my house... now i dont think much of it, usually M&S go all out, especially at this time of year (how much are you loving their new advert?!) but this ones rather lame. Its a dannii minogue one & she's holding a handbag or something KERAZY like that. original much.

Anyway.... for some reason, the poochums absolutely HATES it!!! and i mean pure hatred! she starts barking, shaking with fear and looking back at it with this look of horror as we pass by!

YES she has a tendency to have some weird fears (she once had a fight with a poor old guys shopping trolley cos it was a particularly vibrant zebra print... i think she thought she was on safari!) but ive gotta apologise to dannii, you may pushing 40 love, but you really dont look THAT bad!!! hehe :-p

Anyway, moving on. Today was a toughie. That nasty little sniffle i had niggling on friday turned into a full blown arse of a cold by yest... im talking family size tissues on tap. Lucky i got over that silly fear of having a hot lemon & honey for my throat, cos ive been guzzlin the stuff down since then! Im not a fan of submitting to the conventional medecines like lockets or strepsils... id rather actually HAVE the lemon and honey, rather than suck a sweet that has way more sugar that healing properties. I checked out the ingredients, they dont even have lemon in them!!! its like "lemon-flavouring-extract" yada yada yada.... dirty CHEATERS!

how is it possible to get thru so many tissues?!? BAD nose...!

So ive been feeling pretty rough, which is a bum cos frankly... havent i HAD my run of sickness now?!? come ooooon! I shouldnt moan, winter is always a hard time of year for me. If i get too tired or run down, up pops the ME virus to batter my already weak immune system. Plus working in a school doesnt helps, i swear kids have no shame... one literally sneezed ON me the other day. talk about gross! Lucky im not OCD or id have to squirt them all with antibac gel!!

But this only forces me to face up to the fact that sure, i can blame my other ailments for me getting sick, but im sure your all thinking what we all know... and thats that the anorexia plays its part in all this :-(

Speaking of which, i have looked thru the new MP that my lovely nutritionist has sent me... i only just got it on sat, so i have given it some time today and y'know what...

i think im gonna go for it.

Its scary as hell, the big "Plan C", is that C for ohmygod im Crapping myself perhaps?! but screw it, whats the point in putting it off any longer? time isnt waiting for me, in fact it seems to be flying by faster than i can catch up. and if im honest, im just delaying the process...

SO, bring on the fear foods, bring on eating a hell of alot more, bring on eating when im not hungry and DEALING with the fact that i feel bloated and fat and nasty. THATS ED TALKING!!!! i cant be acting like a kid whose about to have a tantrum. Cos im not a kid anymore, i have responsibilities, i have no excuses and lets face it... i NEED this.

I consider myself very lucky to have you guys out there giving me support and advice, so please keep it comin'! You are what keep me motivated, when i find things hard i think of all you lovely people also fighting this battle and i dont want to let you or myself down. Its about sticking with my guns and not listening to ED when he chimes up, its not like he ever has anything new to say.... borrrred now! The other day, this girl reminded me that sometimes you've gotta push yourself to eat even if you dont want to,so regardless of what ED is whispering in your ear, rise above it and remember whats good for you. So, if you think "well i'll just have x...." remember that actually you need to have x + y....

aaaaand now we're into algebra & im going to spontaneously combust!

yup, not a maths fan!

hope you've all had a good weekend.. Here's to another week eh?!

xxx

friday aka "flies-by day"!

happy "almost the weekend" peeps!

Dont ya just love that feeling at the end of friday when you KNOW its the weekend and you dont have to get up tomo, Mmmm lie-ins are calling my naaaaame :-p

(i have to add that im not a lazy lie-in kindof person, but i DO get up at 6am every weekday for school and i used to work weekends too, so ive only recently discovered the joy of not having somewhere to be! and a girls gotta embrace change right!?)

Anyhoo, this week has been a mad one. I had a parent evening to do on weds, lots of books to mark but thats nothing too unusual in the life of a teach, what HAS been a big ol' bugbear, is my newfound HATRED for electricity companies.... there is a fault somewhere in the street so this team of electricity people have rocked up and proceeded to big a big DAMN hole to find the fault. fair do's, but they work on shifts and so mister diggy dig has been DIGGING for 2 days STRAIGHT so far. and i mean straight, as in all of the day... and all if the night...

Have i had a good nights sleep?? I think not.

what can i say...

IM A GROUCH WHEN IM SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!

who, ME!?!?

Nooooo, i said Grouch not Grinch.... altho, i do look a little green around the gills right now!

Ahh, I love xmas films... is it crazy that as soon as it gets abit dark & cold, pretty much everything becomes about xmas?! Meh, I dont care... cos im a feelin festive :-)

Anyway, progress wise. ive been doing m'kay... not great. but not bad. im still trying to push myself with foods i am scared of, but i have to say... im ALOT better. i can eat pasta now, im not scared of eating bread and having a proper lunch and not restricting later at dinner! so YAY for that. BUUUUT, i still find stupid little things jump up and bite me on the ED ass. like today, i have a sore throat so i thought, ooh ill make some hot lemon and honey to soothe it. but then for some KERAZY reason, the ED voice jumped in and said, "ah but then you'll be drinking calories, think of all that honey... Plus you still have to have your snack and you wont be hungry after the tea and then you'll feel like restricting and ill have you in my power mwaahahahaha. I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE POO!!!!" (this all said in a creepy nasty "devil on my shoulder"way... natch)

I dont know why that came up, i thought i was getting better at kicking it to ED when he chimed in, but i guess i am further from that than i thought! I think i need to address my fear of change... I dont like it when i dont eat at my usual times, i dont like it if my routine is upset or put out of order, i dont like it if i have to alter my MP or if ive set in my mind that i'll have something and then i either cant get it or its run out. But these are things that i cant control. I must remember that in order to be free with eating, i need to be free with myself. which clearly at the moment... I am not.

Im proud of myself for taking steps and making changes, but i see now that its not just the physical side of eating different foods that will help me change, i need to change my attitude towards eating as a whole. I cant expect to move forwards physically if i keep restricting myself and holding back mentally. I think i was focussing so much on just EATING more, that i put everything else aside. I need to try and step outside my comfort zone and do things that i know i will find difficult, recovery isnt a walk in the park... it takes effort and determination. and most of all, CONTINUATION!!! i cant expect one day to change my whole life. i need to keep plugging away and willing myself into situations that test my commitment. Only this can force me to break the boundaries that my ED has set upon me... only THEN can i break free.

I didnt have therapy this week, but im seeing my T on monday, so i will bring this up and see what he thinks...

What do YOU think??

is the physical side of gaining harder or easier than the mental?

pinch punch 1st of the month...

A new week and a new month people! I love it when a new month collides with the start of a new week, it makes everything seem EXTRA refreshed and i get all motivated, silly i know but hey... sometimes you gotta find pleasure in the little things :-p

I know in recovery its very easy to say, right a new start and a fresh approach and blah blah blah and as soon as the day goes on, you slip into old habits and dont really take it as seriuosly as you promised yourself you would when u were all hyped up the night before... but not this time!

I know i dont have long left until holiday time, and every day counts! i know the dangers of complacency in this difficult time, any chance my ED gets to scrimp or restrict it will grab. i need to remove the opportunity for this but sticking with a set MP and pushing myself to give the finger (so to speak) to my ED at any possible chance!

i had a session with my nutritionist this morning to have a weigh in and chat about how i was getting on with my eats now that i can tolerate more substantial solid foods again after the gastro. She was pleased to hear about my conquests over half term... but stressed that i must not use them as "marker points"... yes its important to feel like ive achieved something, cos i HAVE! theres no way i would have been able to do some of that stuff a couple of months ago... but i have to try not to over dramatise them into BIG events that stand out... i need to make them the norm. A benchmark in which to meet or improve on each day that passes. She also said that i am STILL not eating enough (or a high enough amount of cals) she wants to shift me up to the big scary PLAN C!!!!! ooooooooh, its scary! but she said she would post me the plan and then to try and work my way up from my current plan onto the plan C, if i can.... cos i stayed the same weight this week and if im gonna get to my aim of 10lbs by xmas, i need to switch it up. rev the old ignition. fire up the food furnace. GET MUNCHING!!!!

Im certainly gonna give it a go!

I already feel like im making that shift... ive had the mental revelations. i KNOW this is what i want, but the physical side of putting my wants into action was always what was holding me back... the idea of putting my words into practice and actually EATING the way i wanted to was a big stumbling block. Today i feel like i made strides...

ive been saying for a while that im going to incorporate a pudding into my lunchtime, but have never quite managed it. There was always another excuse, im sure you've heard/used them all before! "im not hungry..." or "im busy..." or the baddie "ill have something bigger for dinner..." (i really dont want to keep saving cals for night time, its not normal to scrimp during the day. i need balance)

This made me think of my life - balancing my job teaching with my journey to recovery...

every day is a lesson, you never stop learning!

So today i went to boots and picked out a "meal deal"!!! usually i just buy the sammie, which i resent cos i pay about £2.50 just for the sammie, when for £2.99 i could get so much more! So today, i went for it! I got a mexican chicken wrap and a drink AND a pudding! granted it was only the fruit bowl (i havent quite worked up to the cakes yet!!) but the fact that i had all three was a big deal! (i actually had the fruit bowl as a snack between classes and then had my pre-packed homemade choc muffin as pudding...) but the thought is there!

Tomo i need to act on my nutritionists words. not just stop and say, "yes... that was good. i can sit back and relax now. im sure that ONE little change will help me gain weight...."

uhh WRONG!!!

I need to use my benchmark... (having the bigger lunch) and then improve on it (have a better pudding/bigger sammie etc)

So thats the aim for tomo. I dont want my weight to stay the same again next week, i want to see changes! otherwise how will i ever know what my body is capable of... i have no idea what i would need to gain properly, not water weight, not my body getting out of starvation mode, but ME... my ACTUAL body. Where is my set point?! What level of activity does my body feel happy with? What amount of food do i need? Where is my metabolism gonna settle? It sure as hell isnt happy with where i am now! So the answer is still: cut back on the exercise and eat up! simple right?! how many TIMES do i need to hear it?!?! (obviously some more, so feel free to post me some tough love people, I NEED IT!!! i get lazy otherwise and thats not a good thing)

i need to do this NOW so that i can then address finding that balance when im better :-)

Ok, a few Qns for ya's!

How have you gone about finding your balance?

What was your setpoint/maintaining level when you got to "healthy"?

if im 5'7 and 25 yrs old, what shud i be aiming for??