happy "almost the weekend" peeps!
Dont ya just love that feeling at the end of friday when you KNOW its the weekend and you dont have to get up tomo, Mmmm lie-ins are calling my naaaaame :-p
(i have to add that im not a lazy lie-in kindof person, but i DO get up at 6am every weekday for school and i used to work weekends too, so ive only recently discovered the joy of not having somewhere to be! and a girls gotta embrace change right!?)
Anyhoo, this week has been a mad one. I had a parent evening to do on weds, lots of books to mark but thats nothing too unusual in the life of a teach, what HAS been a big ol' bugbear, is my newfound HATRED for electricity companies.... there is a fault somewhere in the street so this team of electricity people have rocked up and proceeded to big a big DAMN hole to find the fault. fair do's, but they work on shifts and so mister diggy dig has been DIGGING for 2 days STRAIGHT so far. and i mean straight, as in all of the day... and all if the night...
Have i had a good nights sleep?? I think not.
what can i say...
IM A GROUCH WHEN IM SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!
who, ME!?!?
Nooooo, i said Grouch not Grinch.... altho, i do look a little green around the gills right now!
Ahh, I love xmas films... is it crazy that as soon as it gets abit dark & cold, pretty much everything becomes about xmas?! Meh, I dont care... cos im a feelin festive :-)
Anyway, progress wise. ive been doing m'kay... not great. but not bad. im still trying to push myself with foods i am scared of, but i have to say... im ALOT better. i can eat pasta now, im not scared of eating bread and having a proper lunch and not restricting later at dinner! so YAY for that. BUUUUT, i still find stupid little things jump up and bite me on the ED ass. like today, i have a sore throat so i thought, ooh ill make some hot lemon and honey to soothe it. but then for some KERAZY reason, the ED voice jumped in and said, "ah but then you'll be drinking calories, think of all that honey... Plus you still have to have your snack and you wont be hungry after the tea and then you'll feel like restricting and ill have you in my power mwaahahahaha. I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE POO!!!!" (this all said in a creepy nasty "devil on my shoulder"way... natch)
I dont know why that came up, i thought i was getting better at kicking it to ED when he chimed in, but i guess i am further from that than i thought! I think i need to address my fear of change... I dont like it when i dont eat at my usual times, i dont like it if my routine is upset or put out of order, i dont like it if i have to alter my MP or if ive set in my mind that i'll have something and then i either cant get it or its run out. But these are things that i cant control. I must remember that in order to be free with eating, i need to be free with myself. which clearly at the moment... I am not.
Im proud of myself for taking steps and making changes, but i see now that its not just the physical side of eating different foods that will help me change, i need to change my attitude towards eating as a whole. I cant expect to move forwards physically if i keep restricting myself and holding back mentally. I think i was focussing so much on just EATING more, that i put everything else aside. I need to try and step outside my comfort zone and do things that i know i will find difficult, recovery isnt a walk in the park... it takes effort and determination. and most of all, CONTINUATION!!! i cant expect one day to change my whole life. i need to keep plugging away and willing myself into situations that test my commitment. Only this can force me to break the boundaries that my ED has set upon me... only THEN can i break free.
I didnt have therapy this week, but im seeing my T on monday, so i will bring this up and see what he thinks...
What do YOU think??
is the physical side of gaining harder or easier than the mental?
Oh man, I can totally relate on the no sleep=no happy part! I don't need a whole lot of sleep (6 hours will suffice - and has managed to for a while somehow!) but if I dont get it...ooooh beware! Sorry to hear about the stupid digging :\ I can't believe they dig at night! There are laws against that in my city!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry youre still struggling with some of ED's stupid rules. But focus on the positive - you can eat pasta! And bread! And no more sving-your-calories business! (I still struggle with this) It's important to take it one day at a time - youve conquered so much so far, this'll be nothing for ya ;D
Personally I find the mental aspect of ED so much harder to face, right now especially. I'm at the point where I dont even want to be a stick anymore, but ED's set up all these rules that are just so hard to break. GR! We'll get there, though, wont we!
izzyy
xoxoxox
The mental part is sooo much harder for me! Many times I can bring myself to eat, but then the guilt I feel afterwards destroys my motivation. For a long time I would restrict simply to avoid the regret afterwards! Our bodies operate pretty simply. We eat enough, we gain. We eat too little, we lose. For me, my mind is the puzzle...it always finds a way to interfere with that simple little physical equation.
ReplyDeleteI admire your effort hun! You can do this,I sooo know it!!
Sarah
P.S. Man that digging sounds awful! If I were you, I'd take all the anger at those crazy construction men out on ed...channel that anger! haha : )
aha i love reading your posts the change of font cracks me up, its like i can hear you yelling...in a joking way :) and ommmmg the grinch that photo made me think of christmas i love christmas films too!!! good job with all your progress, you just sound really intelligent and understand what you need to do...lskdfj im so not sure, i mean physical is a huge thing but i guess since its such a serious mental illness as well, that's obviously important especially for preventing relapses but i think that it always remains with you somehow. its helpful to have support though, family/friends to help you with the emotional side. xoxox
ReplyDeleteHi Clemmy :) I just came across your blog and wanted to say hi. I'm 26, also in the UK and I spent the whole of last year focussing on recovering from anorexia. I did it by myself without going inpatient, so I understand the confusion around trying to work out all the practical stuff! I created my own meal plan, monitored my weight and set my target weight myself. It all worked out though, I've been at a healthy weight for just over a year now! Anyway, I wanted to say hi and offer you any support I can - I know you don't know me but I love getting to know other UK bloggers, hehe :P
ReplyDeleteKatie
change can be hard for SURE but I think the physical part is easier- for me it is that I dont exactly care as much how I look as how I FEEL so if i FEEL fat then I am screwed, you know?
ReplyDeleteps- can we email?? I would love to ask you about the uk!
ReplyDeletethank you! Actually, are you on facebook? If it would be easier for you to chat friend me Carly Peicott otherwise ill email ya :) Thanks!!
ReplyDelete