costume conundrums

happy HALLOWEEEEEEEN guys!!!

Oh yes, that most exciting of days is finally here... its time to dress up, act stupid and eat lots of orange food :-)

YIPEEEEEE!!!!

oh man, i am SUCH a sucker for a good holiday... especially one where you can do the fancy dress thing. Yupyup. its gonna be fun! I never used to do anything for halloween.... usually too tired/ill/distant to bother, but this year it is ON! 

Me and my girls are dressing up as nerdy/student/zombies (urhhh, it works...kindof!) and we are going to have a night of shenanigans. A trip into town for some outfit comparing, few drinks and some cheeky trick or treating. then back to my friend M's for scary films, zombie games on the playstation and general sillyness. i cannot WAIT!!!!!

So the social-half-term continues... its going really well. i feel alot more relaxed and ok with things. I sat downstairs this morning just chatting nonsense with the mumatron, which was cool cos we never get to hang out anymore... she's always in london and im always too busy. so i liked that :-) its a shame by the time i get back tomo, she'll be gone again. It seems like i never get to see her anymore, you'd think id love having a house to myself.... but lately, since developing a new appreciation for hanging out with PEOPLE instead of my anorexia... i do miss her being around :p two days a week is not enough for my mother-daughter bonding quota!

Anyways, ill be back when i have a hot minute to update you on whats been going on. but for now, i better dash. i have an outfit to prepare and some fake blood to purchase :-P

Have a grrrrrreat day & dont do anything i wouldnt!! 

*unless it involves dressing up your pooch like this little pumpkin* 

in which case.... permission SO totally granted

hahaha :-)

feelin abit better :-)

Im touching wood that ive got over it and it was just a "tired/stressed/rundown" reaction to a long 8weeks of school... I still have a bit of a cough and a runny nose (pretty... not!) but i dont feel like my brain is gonna explode out of my skull anymore, so thats nice :-)

Friday night was not fun tho. After waiting around for ages for the mum and sis to get back, i started to realise that i really wasnt feeling so great and i was probs gonna have to go to bed... mum had bought some fish to have and she asked me to get it started so it'd be ready when they got back. WELL, long story short... i opened it and nearly threw up! not a great start. So i decided that since that was not gonna be on the cards for moi, i made myself some chicken noodle soup and curled up on the sofa....

AND so needless to say our "family discussion" didnt go so well. Meh, i dont really care tho. Its whatever... my sis wants to go somewhere hot for xmas, cos she has money to spend from her big fancy london fashion job, whereas me - little teacherbod, well... i dont! and frankly, if im gonna quit my job at the end of the year and go off travelling, i really dont have the luxury of blowing a fat amount of money on a holiday that im not fussed about going on anyways!!! but heyho... its obvs MY fault. cos its MY job that makes going away hard and its MY selfishness for not spending money i dont have. Basically, same old story... boohoo? not this time. whatever trevor.

HAH!

ill be making my own choice thankyou very much

So anyways, i zoned out on friday night and most of saturday... but since i HAD to go get this new iphone by 5pm on sat or they would have to allocate it to another person on the wait list, i dragged my sorry ass up and went into town. Urhhh i mustve looked a hot mess and surprisingly enough, guess who was working that day?! oh yes... phoneshop hottie. i was like, yes! but wait... NOOOOO!!! haha. Aww it was sweet tho, he was serving someone but he told me to wait so HE could serve me :-) love love looooove!!! but yeah, sadly my flirting skills werent gonna be upto full-strength what with the fact that my nose was bright red and i looked like id been dragged thru a hedge backwards :-p 

I did bosh some banter with him tho, but he had a trainee with him, so i could hardly just be all "hey, youre hot... wanna go for coffee?!" which sucks, cos im kindof at a loss as to what to do now! i mean, i HAVE the phone, but no date...!!! i dont need to go in again really, unless i create a reason?! oh the dilemma!!! 

As it happens, i got the bloody phone home and it wont sync with my macbook cos the operating system is too old! TYPICAL!!!!! i need to buy an upgrade package to get "snow leopard" on my macbook before i can update my itunes to 10.7 so that the iphone5 will work with it. what a nightmare! im not the most technowhizz with these things, so i was well and truly ready to burst into tears yest. i just didnt know what to do and i was feeling shitty anyways, it was soooo not fun. But in the end, i just said "SOD IT" and went to bed! 

i had to cancel my girly night out too, cos i was just not physically able to get up and leave the house again. Bummmmms on that one. BUT i did get up and about today! I was determined not to let this become a "sickness", so i got up early (well, i thought it was early till i realise the clocks went back so id actually had an extra hour in bed :p) hahah, oh well, it still counts right?! I felt very chilled today, i wasnt stressing about getting up or doing stretches or walking or breakfast or anything... i think cos i was still so pre-occupied with the new phone and all its problemos! But yeah, i moseyed on over to the pub, walking at a nice and easy pace! was really nice!!! i get these moments sometimes, where im like... "youre ok y'know! youre not a bad person! you CAN just be easy and happy and do things that feel comfortable instead of the things that hurt or feel hard...." yeah, its refreshing and i think it usually comes when im not stressed about work and stuff. when i dont HAVE that rigid routine... i can let myself go. So im pretty sure that when i quit and go travelling i might be able to really work on that self-worth and self-allowance thing. YAY! i see a chance for me to be able to be happy again and im really really looking forwards to it! :-)

This was reinforced by the chat with my friend... we just sat in a cosy corner, got some drinks and chatted away the afternoon. travelling stuff, life stuff, boy stuff... we covered it all! It was really nice and made me feel so much lighter and lifted than i have done of late. She is always good for an optimism boost, like putting ginseng in a smoothie or some shizz! :-p hahaha.

Now im home and im gonna have a relaxed eve cos the mothership is away and i have some peace and quiet again. Im sad like that :-) But I have plans again tomo and the next day and y'know what... i truly feel like im getting things back on the right path again. i dont feel so much like i need to pressure myself so much. i feel abit like i can decide what i WANT to do, rather than what i feel like im obliged to do. 

So tomo im heading to my fellow teachie friends house to do a work/chill sesh on our laptops :p its the better way to get marking/planning done! we can both be sat on our comps, geeking out - but its social at the same time! plus theres always guarantee of some bitching/moaning/gossiping... which we NEED cos we've hardly caught up much over the past hectic few weeks, even tho we share a staffroom... Then on tues im due to meet my friend from cambridge for cinema and coffee shop times, then possibly see my dairy-free chef friend for something on tues night and then its HALLOWEEEEEEN fun on weds!!!! 

Check that pile of sociableness out! im almost surprised at myself!!! ED can go screw itself, cos i dont need to be a lonely homebody when i can be out doing fun things.... and i DONT need to be doing exercise to compensate for doing fun things. Fun doesnt have to be earned! its free to those who choose to find it!!!!

yup, i have a good feeling about this half-term... 

i think its gonna involve some fun-finding and i am DEF down with that 

:-)

oh great, thanks

How typical is it that literally the DAY half term starts... i get sick.

i mean come ON karma?! gimme a break already!

Urhh, still... i will not be broken! i WILL enjoy this week off dammit :-) Its been a busy old social week for me anyways, so it would be just wrong to stop that progress in its tracks, right?!

Haha. Soooo lets recap back to wednesday when i went round to my friends for dinner... Oh what a night....! It was bloody scary if im honest. i was already thinking "eek, should i pull out and not go??" but i stood my ground and i went. no point in giving into the anxiety, that only makes it worse... so i trotted over to hers and we chilled for abit before the other people arrived at 7 and we sat down to get our eat, drink and chat on :-)

The meal was nice, she made a veggie dahl curry which was flavoursome but a tad spicy for me... but i ate it and even had some seconds! It was scary tho cos there was literally a MOUND of rice and then some sauce, whereas if it was my meal-it would be  mound of sauce and then a smidge of rice (carb-phobic anyone?!) but i didnt want to be fussy, so i just dealt with it. And plus, cos it was a veggie curry they didnt have any salad or anything with it, which also freaked me out as i like a large proportion of my plate to be salad/veggies. and just having a big bowl of rice and sauce in front of me was a HUGE ass challenge. buuuuut, i did it! and it was fine. i survived. and i still managed to have fun and be my old chatty, bubbly self! (altho i did get pretty tired by 9:30ish...) haha, im such a lightweight! But it was a school night after all!!!

Yesterday evening the shenanigans continued, as it was the leaving drinks party for that guy from work who had to resign under "mysterious" circumstances.... It was so nice to see him again, cos he really was like a mentor for me when i started teaching 5 years ago. He was so touched to see such a massive turnout. we had a whole spread laid out and there was a speech and then we gave him this awesome personalised guitar, which he LOVED!!! It was good, and i managed to grab him for a nice, if brief chat (everyone wanted to talk to him, he was the man of the evening!!) He told me that there was a whole world of possibilities out there and not to get stuck in one job like he did... it was very poignant and I thanked him for his advice and told him i had been thinking the same thing... i didnt say that i was already planning to hand in my notice at the end of this school year, but it just gave me an added reassurance that i need to do this... i dont wanna waste more time sitting about when i could be off exploring the world and all the exciting things it has to offer :-)

Anyways, so after two nights out on the trot... today was a LONG day! But that was a given cos its the last day before half term, woop woop!!!! If only i didnt have this nasty cold stuffing up my plans, cos i have a busy weekend ahead! My mum is back tonight and bringing the sis with her (she has an eye appt tomo) and altho i am nervous, we always seem to end up in a fight when she comes back here... something to do with her needing to assert her authority on the place, cos its not HER home. i dunno! But yeah, so we are havig a dinner and "discuss xmas" meeting. Hmpfh... what fun.

Then tomo i have to go into town and pick up my new iphone5! yipeeeeee, i cant wait! my old phone is dying a very sorry death at the mo, so i will be very pleased to have a new toy to play with :-p In ther afternoon there is a vintage fair in the centre of town that i plan to check out... then in the evening i was meant to be going out for drinks with another friend! man, im tired just thinking about it all... but i did say it was a busy day!!! i just hope i can persuade my body to stay well enough to get through it all...

keep your fingers crossed for me?! 

:-)

its raining cake!

OH... MY... WORD...

i am about to run out the door to this dinner party thing at my friends, but i just HAD to pop in and tell you guys about todays bakesale.

It kicked serious ASS!!!!

I cant even express how incredibly proud i am of my amazing little munchkins for all the hard work they put in baking such awesome cakes, we totally blew the other form groups out of the water... we must have had ten times the amount of cakes and ours were MILES better (not that im biased or anything, but hey... :-p) 

When i got into school this morning, i headed over to the canteen to put out some of the cakes id brought in yesterday out on our table... little did i know that some of my form had come in early so they could start laying out their cakes before i got there!!! It was only 8:30 when we had to leave our table for assembly, but already we were taking up a whole table AND a windowsill and we had more cakes coming.... 

and can i just mention the fact that some forms had like one pathetic packet of jaffa cakes on it, whereas ours was overflowing with homemade (ok and a few shop bought) cakes, decorated and iced, some even had 7M (our form) iced on them! They basically looked good enough to inhale!

So yeah. we did good!!! The dairy-free section of our table was a winner too and the D-F boy had even made a little selection of cakes for me too, bless him!

When break-time rolled around, the cakes flew like they were on fire! The whole of the senior school flocked to the tables and by the end of the break we had sold almost everything! The rest we sold at lunchtime and by the end of the day, we totalled up that we had raised over £500 for the charity... what a result!!!

I had several people come up to me and say how impressed they were with my forms dedication and i even had an email from the teacher running the charity event saying thankyou... but to be honest, im a little bit overwhelmed! It really was all down to my lovely kids! 

Anyways, ill stop rambling now... but i wanted to share the love 

:p

So now im off to my friends now to eat what im sure will be a delish curry type dinner thing and i will NOT feel guilty or restrict or get scared, cos im feeling too damn good to care about stupid ED stuff!!!

Hope you guys are having a rocking midweek humpday and ill be back to fill you in on the deets when i have a spare minute..... :-)

Laters potaters xxx

bake sale

Tomo my school are holding a charity bake sale for an ex-pupil with cancer... It is gonna be a big old affair and my form, the little pickles have grouped together to make a LOAD of cakes and cookies etc to sell... aaaand

...theyve even made a whole "dairy-free" selection for me :-)

how freaking CUTE is that?!?!

Urhh, so damn cute that i might just have to kick my nasty ED to the floor, stamp on it and eat a damn cake. I really dont want to disappoint my kids and i know even if their cakes taste like poo - they will want me to say they are amazeballs. and that peeps, is what i will do... cos a good teacher doesnt shy away from food just cos she is scared of it.... a GOOD teacher embraces her fears and takes a bite regardless of that fear.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP

On top of that, it looks like its gonna be a whole day of challenges, cos in the evening i have accepted a dinner-date round my friend M-A's... her and her housemate are making me a dairy-free meal so that i can start trying new things.... im not sure exactly what we're having but i think its some form of curry??? EEEEEK!!!

Luckily, Im too tired/busy/stressed to let myself get too worried about it! Its only 3more days till we break for half-term week, wooooo!! but UH-OH... isnt that when i said id start my "no-additional-activity" week?! ahem. OH yes!!! So with that on the go, i know ill need to prepare myself for the shit-ton of anxiety and guilt that thats going to land me in. Safe to say ive already started trying to fill up my free-time that week with fun things to do to keep my mind of it!!! (aswell as a bucketload of work i need to get done :-p)

So yes, this is gonna be one hell of a week..... but in a way, its kindof exciting!! changes are afoot my friends. and i have to really make myself DO this. Once and for all... cos I cant live off excuses anymore. that certainly didnt get me anywhere and if im going to give this a shot, i need a clean break from all those anorexic behaviours. i need to jump headfirst into this badboy. no testing the water first. ive dipped my toe into the recovery pool waaaay too many times yet. im starting to think its alot harder to do it in "steps" maybe taking the leap headfirst into oblivion is the way to go??!? any success stories on this?! i would TOTES love a reassuring, "just do it clem" right about now!!!

easier said than done!!!

and back again. PHEWS!

I feel like ive been a million places all at once! 

Its nice to have a busy weekend, but sometimes i get home on a sunday night and im like so exhausted and i feel like i havent had a break at all! But i guess it takes some getting used to, ive spent so much of the past 5years being tired and weak and unable to get out and about much, both due to my ill health but also my anorexia not letting me stray from my set routines.... Well they went out the window this weekend for sure!

I went upto London on fri, hung out with my sis at her flat (im trying really hard to get along at the mo, but its still  very hard work!) Yeah, so i walked to the station, but other than that. NO extra walking! mum picked me up from the station cos it was pouring with rain. yes, part of me was like "dont worry, ill walk... its not far" but she was there and so i couldnt really not....

We chilled friday night and mum made a chicken/mushroom/sweet potato casserole with rice and salad. It was nice and i made sure i was OUT of the kitchen so i didnt start faffing about what she'd put in etc... i was proud of that. i ate an UNKNOWN meal!!!! with someone else cooking it all!!! yessss.

Sadly after dinner there was a bit of a family dispute (what a surprise, right?!) Luckily it didnt really involve me this time :p but it was about our teenage cousin and our weird uncle coming to stay, neither me or my sis particularly wanted them there, the uncle and my sis had a big falling out a while back and  he quite frequently dumps his slightly annoying money grabbing son on my mum, who always wants to please, so takes him in even when she is super-busy and entertains him and buys him stuff, even tho he has money of his own. Its not cool.... Anyways. fight kicked off with the mumatron and sis. i tried to stay impartial, but then she started saying she'd bring him home with her to OUR house, i was like. WHOA now. i dont thiiiiiink so!!!

Anyways. eventually we all rolled to bed cos saturday was the big wedding... (i still managed to have my snack before bed. vanilla soy pudding with dairy free choc biccies... go me!)

Saturday was a lazy day. but my sis (who i was sharing a bed with) got up at like 7am and started doing stuff. i slept in but then her and mum said they were off to the supermarket and i didnt wanna be left alone now did i!? so i dragged myself up and just tailed along in my pjs!!! we got home and had breakkie, then there was nothing to do till like 2pm when the taxi came, so i was sooo tempted to go out and walk lots. but it was raining and i knew i shouldnt, so i was so torn. i hate this exercise compulsion... i was genuinely sat there thinking OH MY GAAAAAD. my body is turning to crap as i sit here.... it was hard. but luckily, i had the wedding to get ready for.

Aaaaand here is me in my outfit:

i really dont think this looks like me... weird out of body experience!!!

the fam, aka: team evil!

glammed up and ready to party

The actual wedding was really nice, but because we'd been picked up at a weird time... we hadnt had lunch. it stressed me cos i didnt WANT it (i knew we had a big dinner later) but then i knew id be feeling all weak and grumpy. i had some dried fruit in my bag, so i had that on the way from the service to the party... but i knew it wasnt the best situation :-s

the bride&groom took this beauty... 

we caught route-master buses with champagne!

The wedding party was stellar. it was in this old underground arches place under a train place i think... i dunno! it was cool tho. Massive and all done up so pretty. we chilled with drinks and canapes till we went through for speeches and dinner. but we werent sat till like 8pm. which is SOOOO late for me!!! i wasnt happy. but i knew i had to eat, so i had some of the canapes... they had these yummy sashimi things on a big spoon type thing, crazy! you had to almost neck it back! it was ram tuna or salmon, with ginger and wasabi. ive had sushi, but never sashimi before.... but, i def like it!!! so me and the sis chased those around all evening, while standing about getting bored till we sat.

walking to the venue: 

we felt like alice in wonderland- following the white rabbit...

inside the venue: 

the theme WAS alice in wonderland!! i think it was a coicidence :p

We were all on different tables and i didnt know ANYONE on mine!!! it was fine tho, there was a guy next to me abit younger, so i chatted with him most of the night.... (altho i was slightly distracted, cos i was feeling abit self-concious about how skinny i looked compared to everyone else there- same old story...) So yeah, it was fun. The food was LUSH!!!! i was nervous about it, cos everything had dairy on, but they made me a special dish. the veggie was a creamy pasta dish, so i opted for the meat. but the potato thing they had was all cream and then buttered stuff, so they made me a special plate with these amazing fluffy chips instead of the dauphinoise thingy. which was soooo much nicer and i think everyone on the table was abit jealous!!! they even customised the pudding so that instead of the apple tart, i could have the cooked apples with some other bits on it. SO nice of them :-) oh oh, and i had a cupcake from their wedding cupcake stand. it was scary, but i had to try one... it was red velvet and it was nice, but not amazing... the icing was super sweet and the cake abit bland. hey ho. its good that i tried tho, otherwise i would have built it up to be this amazing tasting treat that i couldnt possibly have.... it really wasnt all that!!!

So drinks, dancing and good food. RESULT id say! it was such a lovely wedding too, the bride looked grogeous and everyone was having fun. it always makes me think about how i should be living my life. free and fun and happy. not trapped and boring and scared..... cos nobody wants to hang out with the tired, grumpy skeleton in the corner!

Today has been chilled, i woke up late despite hearing mumster and the sis leaving to mums fair at god knows what time! i lazed about, had some breakfast (which i made myself have, co shalf of me was feeling guilty for eating so much yest) and then packed up ready to leave.... i walked to the station and had a look in on spitalfields market, which i love but never seem to properly walk around. i think cos im always feeling like i have to be "going" somewhere or "walking" more. that i dont let myself.. which sucks cos they have awesome stuff there and a great vibe. So i texted mum and asked if in half term we could go together and actually walk about. maybe get lunch. do it properly :-)

So i didnt stop, got on the train/bus replacement service (dontcha just LOVE rail improvement work on the weekends?!) and finally got my tired and achey body back home (walked from the station... probs shouldnt have. ive totalled over an hours fast walking today... again) then nipped to the supermarket to get food for the week and BOOM. got home exhausted.

I know its because i have been doing alot, but my stupid head tells me i really havent done much. ive got lifts places and eaten way more, so it makes me feel so bad.... i hate it. plus whenever i get home, im always drained. i can hardly sit up... and i know thats lack of food (i had an apple on the train but thats it) so when i got back and i was putting the food away, i saw the carrot cake that my friend baked for me but i hid so i didnt feel tempted. well guess who was hungry and tempted???? I ate it. it was good. it wasnt great but the icing was sweet and sickly and exactly what my weak tired body wanted. so i had it.... i felt ok cos i knew immediately that my body perked up abit. but then HOLY cow there comes the guilt. im binge eating, i cant control myself. im fat and therefore have no willpower and i shouldnt have had that cos now i should restrict at dinner.

WHAT THE FUDGSICLE?!?!?!

i mean hello, it was a piece of carrot cake, not a huge slice at that and i didnt even eat it all... how does that constitute "binge" eating. its what normal people would have at tea-time AFTER having had a proper lunch etc.... but no. my head starts playing up and again. i hate myself.....

why cant i just eat, for fucks sake. why cant i STOP walking and just EAT???? i know its for the best... its what i want and its FINE to do that. so why do i have such little control over what i do? yes i ate the cake... and that is an achievement, so i mustnt overshadow that, but my god... dealing with the guilt is so freaking harsh. i hate it :-(

Anyways. luckily ive had the lovely blogworld to escape to and try to distract myself.... i know its not a big deal. i ate some cake. its a good thing!!! but i knw im gonna have to fight harder than this in the future. i need to have that scary thing happening daily if im gonna make a difference. But why does my head tell me that i dont need this stuff. that realistically, if i just cut back a little on the walking, that'd be fine... im at a goddam critical BMI for gods sake. why cant i SEE that???? i know its typical to not think you're that sick, but i really need someone to hammer it home. that being 5'7 and in the low 90lbs region (i dont weigh myself, but last time i was about 92-93lbs) is NOT good and its certainly NOT normal. 

so why the hell cant i get my head to believe that i DO NEED TO DO THIS. why does it still feel like im another person... im not this starved weak anorexic, i dont believe it and thats why i never make the changes i NEED to make. I go about my life, feeling like shit but thinking thats just what my life is like... Then sometimes i catch sight of it in the mirror, that horrible, scary reflection... 

But that cant be me... Can it???

Reality is hard to face... and self-acceptance is a bitch!

'nuff said.

weekend comes early

Yessss, it may only be thursday, but for ME... 

its the start of the weekend already :-)

Jealous?!? haha, i have tomo off so that i can travel down to London in preparation for this wedding im going to on Sat. True, i could have gone after work tomo, but i knew id be super-tired and plus it'd be right in rush hour travel time and id have to take all my stuff to work and....well. BLAH. 

it just makes more sense this way! Plus most of my classes are year 7 ones tomo and the whole yeargroup are out on a school trip, so id be free of lessons and just be covering other teachers classes anyways. No ta!

so... YAY!

Altho the fun is slightly spoiled by the fact that i have an extra shit-ton of work to do after having a "not-so-fun" meeting with the head of the Junior school after work today. We've been trying to get together to go thru the Art curriculum for ages, but luckily for me she kept delaying it! But now the time came and BAM, i have another hefty load of work to get started on. I have to re-write the Art Dept policies and the schemes of work for all the years. Then i have to start doing more displays of the work in the junior school and organise and stage a one-off exhibition for the parents, aswell as various other bits and bobs. Its fine, but its a time-drainer... the writing up of the policies is gonna be the hardest cos its something i will actually have to SIT down and do. I hate sitting for long periods of time to do work... my ED goes crazy and i feel like i shud be out doing something active instead. So maybe, since im about to try stopping all unavoidable activity when half term starts, this will give me something to fill the time. Altho i can tell my ED is not gonna like it!!! im actually abit scared :-s

So i started looking at it tonight, but guess what... i ended up on t'internet instead! Gah, im just NOT good at paperwork... i have the attention span of a gnat and i can tell this is gonna be a big ol' challenge for me. I always try to wriggle out of these kindof things! but i suppose its only fair, especially if im going to leave nat the end of the school year... i dont want to just leave them in the lurch with no written up plans to follow. im not that mean!!

Speaking of challenges, yesterday i went round my new work friend m-a's lastnight. After our trip to the beach at the weekend, ive felt like ive wanted to hang out and do social things more (a good sign, im moving away from the ED's isolation) But i still have very rigid "allowances"... like that i cant eat there (i had to leave in time to come home for dinner) which is silly, cos most people when theyre relaxed and hanging out round a frends will stay if the offer of staying comes up - they'll just take it on a whim. And if im honest, part of me wishes i did... they were just gonna chill, have some pasta and watch a movie... but i couldnt brave it... yet. the idea of unknown food and not being able to let myself eat/unwind like i normally do in the evenings, espesh on a school night, was abit much for me right now. Which bummed me out, granted. BUT, i know that it also means that next time i WILL make that extra step, otherwise ill be kicking myself again!! It was nice the time we did have tho, the three of us (her housemate was there too) chatted and i talked a little bit about when i got ill and the consequential fear of food etc. so i am opening up abit and hopefully, they will give me some of the support i so badly need. In fact, the housemate loves to cook, so she's gonna try and cook up a dairy free meal for me. Which is a good challenge cos if someone else makes it FOR me, then i will have to eat it... or be a rude ungrateful cowbag! Haha... yeah, it was good being there. It just reinforces the fact that i DO want to get better and be normal again. Whether that means im bigger or wobblier or whatever... cos i might just also be HAPPIER :-) they were so chilled about eating, having cake with their tea, then m-a had a packet of crisps right after cos she was still hungry! I know she exercises alot, but even the idea that she could be so free with food was inspiring to me :-) I think this is going to be a good and helpful friendship.... which is totes what i need right now, i need gentle persuasion and reassurance that its ok to eat and enjoy eating. I cant seem to get that feeling at home, so i imagine ill be trying to weedle my way into hanging out there a fair bit!!! i just hope they dont get sick of me! :p

Other than that, this week has been business as usual. Im so glad i have tomo off cos i reallllly need a good lie-in! Then its upto london to face the fam. I have been trying to chat with my sis more, so fingers crossed we get on ok. I would like to go up and spend time there over half term in two weeks, so as long as this weekend goes well, that should be a possibility. 

And if im honest, i actually feel like i WANT to try and talk to my sis. I WANT to build bridges and since we have such a dysfunctional family situation, i dont want to lose anyone just because we're too proud or silly to admit that we have problems. Im open about my shit, i just wish she was too, then maybe we could move past all the bickering and competing and just be ok with each other! But i guess that works both ways.... and i need to work on being ok with just being as a whole before i start tackling all the other parts of me! whats that they say about walking before you run....?! (not that i need ANY help with the walking part :p)

Have a grand old weekend everyone and i will be back hopefully in one piece and with a piccy or two of me in my gladrags at the wedding to share.... see you on the flipside folks.

Take it easy breezy xx

weekend catch up

Hey you guyyyyyys.

Sorry ive been awol for the past couple of days. ive actually been prioritising LIFE over sitting at home and being a snore bore :-p

Granted thats been knocked on the head with the arrival of another hectic working week. but hey, i made the most on the weekend, so thats gotta count for something!

Soooo, backtrack to Friday. When i arrived in the morning, i bumped into one of my work colleagues in tears... we are friends but not that close. I guess its the same old situation as everyone with me... i get on with them, and i WANT to be friends, but my ED gets in the way and often i back off. Boo.

WELL since ive learned that i can make friends at work ... the proof being with my two buds that i hang out with regularly now :-) I made the effort to have a chat and see what was up.

We have hung out abit before, but never anything major... but this time i thought. Dammit, we always get on so im gonna make the effort! So later that day i texted her to make sure she was ok and we decided to meet up the next day for a drink and to have a good moan/gossip! (there is so much drama at our school at the mo, we're hardly short of topics to gossip about!) Anyways... it was fun. Shes only 3 years older than me and is a spontaneous fun loving girl, she's travelled, she got married (and then divorced) and has done so much in her life, it makes me feel like i want to grab life by the balls and LIVE again!!! (so a good motivator for getting the old me back then eh?!) 

Anywhoooo, we had a nice time and then she went to meet her boyfriend (well, on/off boyf... this is why she was crying. but ill leave it at that!) THEN i went to meet the two work buds for an afternoon of chilling out girly dvd time. yeeeeeeeay!

Its nice cos for so long i was without proper "girly" friends. i have my amazing american friends, but i dont get to see them enough, it makes me sad... but spending time with them this summer showed me that i DO need to have more of that in my life. i need to open up more and stop trying to do everything myself... i need to let other people look after me and have people to go and have fun with and distract me instead of turning to my old ED habits. I realise how important this will be for my recovery... i need to have an outlet to make me smile and not feel so alone.

SO, we had our girl time, and i did good cos altho id walked into town to meet the first friend, my two buds picked me up and then dropped me off, so i didnt walk abit. which usually would freak me out and i did feel abit antsy, but i had them there to distract me and i could remind myself that THEY werent walking, so why should i?!?! it helped :-)

Sunday rolled around and i had a plan to try and do a "SLOW" stroll to see if i could manage it. As it happened, the friend from the pub (lets call her m-a) texted and said her and her housemate were going to the beach for some sea air and sunshine, did i want to join? part of me (guess which part, ahem) said nooooo, you have to walk and do your "planned" day. you wont know what time youll be back and you have a routine.... URGH. screw that! a day at the seaside sounds way better and i felt like some company, so i threw my rigid routine out the window, i ate my breakfast even tho usually i like to delay it... and i grabbed my coat and was out the door before that pesky anorexia could change my mind :-)

Im so glad i did, cos i had a wicked day! It was so easy and relaxed and we had such a laugh. We all gelled and it felt like we were all od friends... the best kindof easy chilled time. We made plans to hang out again and i feel really happy that ive let myself open up to more people and stopped shying away from social opportunities in favour of sitting with my ED like a prisoner....

BUT, altho this sounds great and good. i am still finding it hard to let myself "go" with recovery. i know i need to stop worrying about exercise. i know i need to literally stop everything. but it feels so impossible. i know its not. but something always keeps me from just giving up. Like ive cut back my stretches but i still do light ones every morning and some other ones once a week. its still rigid :-( then my walking, i cant just walk alittle bit, i have to do a proper walk. where i feel out of breath. and its driving me mad, cos i KNOW that im tired, i KNOW that my body is aching. all those feelings are there screamin out at me to stop and get some rest. i dread it but then i also cant quite let it go. its like an abusive partner... you know its wrong but you cant let go of it, no matter how bad you know it is for you :-s

Im so tempted to just STOP everything. stop the little stretches, cos even tho they arent much, they are still keeping me linked to the anorexic control. and STOP walking extra. only do what i need to do to get from class to class or to buy my lunch. hopefully when i get the moped i will be able to let go and drive there and back. but that already scares me, cos i will literally be doing NO walking at all and that scares me more than anything....

I want to do this guys. really i do. and i know i harp on about it alot, but its probably the biggest thing that f**ks my head around about recovery.... i know i have to let it all go, there is no other way of recovering. But part of me is almost buying extra time. Almost wanting to cling to abit of that anorexic me... is that mental???? i mean i want rid of this soooo badly, but then part of me also doesnt want to let it go?

URGHHH!!! headfunk!!!! i think i need to go and contemplate some dinner munch to get my mind of the topic. But before i do... look what i found at the supermarket?!

PUMPKINS!!!!!

which can only means its almost halloweeeeeeen!

ill just say ONE thing: 

bring on the fancydress yo.

:-)

exhaustion

Ok, so i know its been a crazy busy week... 

...but honestly, today i am WHACKED. 

Like seriously, its a "cant keep my body upright - slump on my bed - it hurts to have my eyes open" kinda whacked... and its been building up all week :-(

Now a normal person would see the fact that they were tired and their body needed rest and ease up on things, right? Well enter ANOREXIA. the little demon of a disease that doesnt believe in rest and recuperation. Oh no, it doesnt accept that we are only flesh and bone - not some freaking robot and therefore we NEED to slow down when our bodies ask for it. It makes us feel GUILTY for taking time out... it tells us thats what lazy people do and makes us feel somehow weak and useless if we stop for a minute and have a sit down.

Well i think i need to have a sit down :p

Ive been wanting to cutback on the exercise i do for a while now, im sure you're all familiar with my ranty rambles about this!!! Its something that bugs me incessantly, cos i want to gain weight, but i dont want to give up my walking and feel unhealthy. But the two are interlinked and i cannot gain weight and be healthy until i release the control i have on my activity levels and accept that it is not normal OR healthy to push my body beyond my means.

Well this week has got me listening to my body abit more. I cant say that i have listened and then STOPPED. but i have just quietly taken note of each time it has hurt to walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my classroom, each time my legs have ached when ive been walking about too fast and each time ive had to physically drag myself out of bed in the mornings... They all add up. And its slowly making me see that maybe i DO do too much.

My warped perception has always found it hard to accept that just walking and stretching could be too much. But then ive always neglected to factor in my low weight and additional health issues. I see myself as a healthy person who should be able to walk and run and skip and jump....

but im not, am I.

im sick: im underweight: im food&exercise obsessed and im unhealthy.

So until i can fix this malfunction in my head and give my body the care and respect it is now screaming out for, i will not be able to be healthy. I will never be healthy. I need to see myself as i AM, not as i was in the past or as i want to be in the future... I will be able to do those things again, but right now my malnourished body cant cope. It hasnt got enough reserves to do these things - and thats all because of ME :-s Im the only one that can fix me now....

I think this lack of internal vision is what always stops me, cos i dont feel like i need to slow down. i like to be busy, i like to have things to do. But thats not gonna get me the results i want. Plus its just avoiding the bigger issue of WHY i cant i sit and relax. I need to focus on my body right now, i need to tackle this anxiety around empty time and find peace with resting. cos clearly, my body needs it...

So im not thinking its gonna be easy by any stretch of the imagination! I was feeling like shit today and i STILL walked home. And cos i had cover and didnt do my normal walk, i walked more on the way home... why?? god knows. cos i was feeling tired and sluggish and each step was an effort, but it wasnt raining and i was enjoying being outside so i carried on. My trouble is that i really dont know when enough is enough... i will carry on regardless and its for this reason that i dont know if i will ever be able to quit cold turkey, but im starting to accept that i AM active in everyday life and maybe, just maybe... i dont NEED to do all the additional bits and bobs that i feel compelled to do. Im probably one of the only people who does ALL of those "little add-ins that you wont even notice" exercises that they advertise in magazines... sure i dont go to the GYM, but holy crap i do all the "hidden" extras!

So first step is to ease up on the extra walking. i shud really only walk when i need to or when its a nice day and i need some fresh air (i must regulate this... take a minute first to see whether its me or the ED that wants to go out) and i must dramatically cut back on speed and distance. Since I already do alot of standing and moving about at work and that takes up most of my day, i really shouldnt be putting the added pressure on my legs and feet (and heart?!) I also find that once i start, i find it very hard to stop. I dont want to take a short stroll, i want to WALK.

Anyways, i wont go on much more... i just wanted to update from my last post and share where im at now (lying on my bed having just napped for an hour! haha) I really should listen to those forum posts that talk about extreme exhaustion and how in recovery it is normal for your body to feel like its been hit by a bus. But sadly i know that i havent allowed it to get to that stage, the stage where you feel shitty cos your body is starting to repair itself... nope, im just feeling shit cos i keep pushing it when its already to tired to carry on. boooooo :-(

Now or never guys, im not a machine and eventually... if i continue to fight against my bodies needs, i WILL have consequences. nasty ones. and even tho i may feel like im invincible... im not. and i WILL crumble and break. and thats no fun, is it??!!

eventually the cracks will show

I will try to post again this weekend to fill u in on my actual week (shizzle has gone down!) but right now, i have to call my daddio who is in hospital and think about "life" stuff! i saw the boy yest and it just got me thinking about how much of my life im pissing away by choosing anorexia instead of life. Urhh, its a bumhole. But yeah, another rant for another day!!!

Happy firday y'all and believe me, im having one HELL of a lie-in tomo morning!! After that, i have a nice afternoon planned with my girls, chilling out and watching dvd's round M's house. as fellow teachers, they know how precious the weekends are, and we're all shattered... so i can predict a full-on slob out sesh.... i cant wait :-p

new shirt, new hair...

Speak Soon Moon!

:-)

what to do?

Im trying.... 
:-)

exercise (again)

Sorry guys. i know its boring, but there's a bit of a rant coming here... if you dont want to read a load of word-vomit, then come back for the next chipper post. cos right now, i need to vent... 

cos once again, im stuck and i really just CANT get my head straight on this one....

I know that i should be eating more, im trying. its hard - yes, i still find it harder to eat during the day, feeling more able to get stuff in at night when im relaxed and not going anywhere... but i am trying. im allowing myself to have what i fancy, instead of choosing the "lower" cal option when i want something else and in the evening, i will push myself to take an extra cookie after my night-time snack, even tho its just before bed and ive already had a big snack etc... im glad that on the whole, im not feeling too bad about this. its not easy, by any stretch of the imagination... but the more i do it, the easier it becomes.

But the one thing i STILL struggle with, day in - day out. without a doubt....

...is the exercise thing.

Urgh, i hate it. i hate that it bugs me so much. i hate that i cant say no. i hate that i both love it and hate it simultaneously. Its so freaking hard to know what to do. i need help. someone PLEASE throw me some rope here.... i need advice. i need support. i need to be tied to the sofa! i dunno... but i know i need something. i cant keep beating myself up over this.

Its like i cant let myself rest, or i will be a bad person. i will be lazy and i will get flubbery and my body will collapse and be unhealthy. i cant believe that its ok to sit around and be sedentary... i dont believe that people ARE sedentary and ok. i feel like there must be more to it than that. 

i know ive talked about this before, but i just need some reassurance or something that NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE IS EXERCISING.

i spend hours wondering how people can live their lives and not be dictated by the need to be active in some way. i feel guilty cos i dont eat enough, but then i find it hard to eat more.... i want to allow my body to rest and recover and put on some weight, but im scared that if i stay sedentary it will be the wrong kindof weight, that it will be bad weight and ill look weird and lumpy or something.

I was at open day today and some of the kids were passing round doughnuts, did i have one? hells no. did i have anything? nope. cos i had to get up early and therefore threw out my weekend routine and so i wanted to wait to eat later so i would be "allowed" to have a big dinner. even tho that dinner is probs the same as i would have on a normal day that ive been at work, when i do the same walk to and from work and yet consume snack AND lunch. what the fudgsicle?!?? 

is this relapse?? it cant be 

cos im not even properly recovering

gah, i feel like such a fuck up. im not even capable of relapsing properly, cos im not recovering properly and everything is a big stupid FARCE. i think im trying and i think im getting bigger, but am i making any changes to my lifestyle? big fat NO. i still stress about food, i still stress about exercise. Even tho i go to bed everynight telling myself that i CAN do this and i need to start now.... i still wakeup everyday and fall back into the same routines. granted they are less obsessive now, i dont stretch the same as i did... but i still do some stretches and i still make myself do the harder "plank/sideplank" exercises for my core once a week. even tho really, i dont want to and i dont think it makes much difference.... but im scared that it might... and then it'd be too late. Then theres the walking. yup, i still walk. too much and too fast. people have commented, my mum worries... she says people tell her, hell even today i was chatting to a couple of the kids and THEY commented. i know it must look weird, i know its not normal... but i dont know how to change, i get so worked up about this. cos i know i should try and ease up, so that i can see where my weight goes naturally, but i think that if i dont walk, what WILL i do? ill be unhealthy. but am i healthy now? is this weird body i have at the moment healthy?? i dont think so. i eat too much salad and veg and fruit and i get this horrible gassy bloated stomach and i dont ever let myself have the things that other people have, like takeaways and treats. my treat is a freaking healthy muffin for gods sake and i STILL feel bad about it. I want to stop doing all this walking and see what happens, but when i try to cut back, it doesnt work... cos literally as soon as i start walking, i want to do more, i want to go faster, i want to feel it. 

and i know deep down, that thats not healthy... 

is it.

I dont even know what i want to get from this post. i just find myself so overwhelmed sometimes... i cant allow myself recovery even tho its the one things i want. i dream of waking up and just getting up. not stretching or delaying breakfast or worrying about the fact that i have to walk to work. i want to just get up and breathe in the new day.... i want to be able to stay round my friends house, i want to be able to go away and not stress about this. i know that if i didnt DO any exercise or stretching, then i wouldnt have the pressure of this, but i feel like that would be so unhealthy and id be bad cos i think that everyone else must be doing all this stuff, otherwise they'd be fat. and if theyre not, then they MUST be doing something.... it cant be as simple as they just eat what they want and then stop... and they do the odd bits of walking/moving etc in daily life and then stop instead of trying to get the most distance/burn out of the activity. Im by no means at peace with exercise, but i feel like im a fraud cos i only walk... i dont go running or go to the gym. i dont lift weight, i do a few measly planks. so what do i do???

part of me says, well if its not that much... then STOP. but then part of me says that it must have some contribution and if i stop, then thats bad.

Oh why cant i just have my old head back? i walked through tescos this afternoon (i was trying to pass the time) and i saw groups of uni students browsing about and looking happy and free and i felt SO JEALOUS. thats what i used to be like, i didnt worry about how much exercise id done and whether or not i "deserved" that cake or cookie or takeaway.... i feel like ive got so messed up i wont ever be able to live my life again. 

someone, tell me...

does it really get easier?? can i really get better??

i was looking at the girls' bodies and trying to figure out how they look like that. do they exercise, if so how much, do they eat? if so what and how much?

But then i get angry that i am not able to just make my OWN mind up... 

why cant i just trust myself, instead of always trying to do what other people do... looking to someone else to copy. 

why dont i think i can be ok.... just as me??

cold vs the cold

Afternoon funsters...

Have you got that friday feeling? I wish i did, but sadly its just another school night for me cos tomo we have our first open day of the year. so gubbins here has to go BACK into work (albeit an hour later than normal, but still!) I have to set up and show off my Art dept to potential "customers"... haha. But it kindof IS like that. we are selling a product! you have the buyers, who come in, have a look, check out the "merchandise" and decide if they want to buy! Its hard work, but hopefully it should be a good turnout and if last nights parents eve attendance was anything to go by, we'll be swamped! 

Yeah, lastnight wasnt too bad actually. Altho i struggled during the day cos i was feeling ill anyway and therefore also not very hungry which didnt help with the fact that having my evening routine disrupted meant that i was all flustered about eating. I didnt know what to eat or how much cos i was all out of whack. No excuse i know, but anorexia tricks your head to feel confused and scared of change. I mean having to go back into work at 6:30pm doesnt exactly work well into my dinnertime. I didnt wanna eat before, cos it was too early since i had to leave just after 6 to pick up my friend... but then i knew i wouldnt get out till at least 8pm (thats if i snuck out early.... which i did! shhh :-p) so it threw me and i have to admit i struggled with the days food, just cos i felt out of control. I still had my usual breakfast but i missed my am snack and i didnt make it up when i had my lunch, which i SHUD have tried to do.... Anyways, it showed me up cos i was hungry and miserable at 5pm, but wouldnt let myself eat something proper until i got home afterwards, cos i hate having to rush my evening meal and i knew id be stressing since i had to go out again... i dont like to eat at strange times if im already feeling out of my depth. Silly, but hey ho. Recovery isnt perfect.

I did however opt to DRIVE rather than walk. which is a good step... especially since usually i love a chance to get some more walk-time in, but i just sortof went "meh", cos its getting dark and cold and frankly - its not worth it. The anorexia can go fuck itself! i aint walking when i dont want to anymore and im DEFS not going to do it just to feel like ive achieved more for the anorexia... if i dont do it normally, im not about to add in anymore to please my disorder. i want to piss my disorder OFF, not be nice to it!!!

this made me laugh.... 

So the evening actually went pretty fast and i had queues of parents wanting to meet me, which was nice! They all had nice things to say, like how their kids really loved my lessons and stuff, which was a confidence booster... and i got the usual "wow, you look so young..." but this time, since there are quite a few young'uns teaching now, it was broadened out to "are they putting something in the water to keep you all so youthful?!" which was nice as it wasnt just directed at me. It turned what usually would have made me feel small and unprofessional, into a jokey, matey, 'yay theres a team of young teachers' feel instead. MUCH better :-)

Today i was tired tho. Its been alot this week and it didnt stop there.... cos today i was out on a trip with my year 10's (to the same place as last week) It was a good trip tho and cos id already been i could just mosey along and enjoy being out of school and not rushing around being "me". haha. The kids are lovely in that group too, so it was nice and relaxed. Altho my GOD it was cold!!! Windy too, so there was an added chill-factor. My runny nose and sore throat did not love that... But i cant complain cos i actually had a really nice day. Plus it was good for me and HeadofArt to have another catch up too... We are much more involved in the "together-ness" of the dept, there may only be two of us, but last year we hardly saw each other since i teach english aswell and he helps out alot with P.E and Games. So anyways, we got to have a banter aswell as planning some ideas to get our evil year 9 yeargroup more focused. win-win!

Its cool, cos the more we hang out the more we get on. He has a very similar situation with health issues and therefore gets where im coming from in terms of food issues and stuff. But he is alot more grounded than i am... we talked alot about food and gentle exercise and the importance staying healthy by making sure we get enough rest etc. Its a very physically exhausting job being a teacher, especially when you have ongoing health issues to contend with. So it as nice to chat and i felt alot better about trying to cut down any extra unnecessary activity etc. and to let my body rest and heal if it needs it.... yeah. i feel renewed positivity... i needed a little pep-talk to stop me getting stagnant and staying stuck where i am :-)

So despite feeling knackered, i also feel very enthused tonight... long may it last, cos tomo its another full-on day and then FINALLY ill get to slump in front of the tv tomo night before curling up in my nice warm bed and most likely sleeping straight through sunday!!! I need to restore my energy for next week, another busy one (why is this term so freaking BUSY!!!) winter term is always the worst term... its hella long and theres loads of stuff happening, parents eve's, trips, cover and there are ALWAYS people getting sick, so the cold and flu bugs fly around like crazy. you have to be pretty damn special if you manage to avoid catching something... but inevitably, everyone ends up in bed feeling like poo at some stage of the term. Its just a matter of when!  

Anyways im home now... its raining outside but i dont mind cos we escaped without a drop all day! WoopWoop... i was worried this morning, it really bucketed it down last night and i knew that this trip would be a disaster in the rain (its all outside) so thank GOD for that!

Hope you're all having an eventful week too... i love being busy, but i hate being the only one who's busy! it makes me feel like im missing out on stuff, like everyone else is doing something really fun instead!!

This could potentially be happening somewhere right now!! 

Man i would be soooooo gutted to miss out on that party!!! (love me some skittles)

:-p