Yessss, it may only be thursday, but for ME...
its the start of the weekend already :-)
Jealous?!? haha, i have tomo off so that i can travel down to London in preparation for this wedding im going to on Sat. True, i could have gone after work tomo, but i knew id be super-tired and plus it'd be right in rush hour travel time and id have to take all my stuff to work and....well. BLAH.
it just makes more sense this way! Plus most of my classes are year 7 ones tomo and the whole yeargroup are out on a school trip, so id be free of lessons and just be covering other teachers classes anyways. No ta!
so... YAY!
Altho the fun is slightly spoiled by the fact that i have an extra shit-ton of work to do after having a "not-so-fun" meeting with the head of the Junior school after work today. We've been trying to get together to go thru the Art curriculum for ages, but luckily for me she kept delaying it! But now the time came and BAM, i have another hefty load of work to get started on. I have to re-write the Art Dept policies and the schemes of work for all the years. Then i have to start doing more displays of the work in the junior school and organise and stage a one-off exhibition for the parents, aswell as various other bits and bobs. Its fine, but its a time-drainer... the writing up of the policies is gonna be the hardest cos its something i will actually have to SIT down and do. I hate sitting for long periods of time to do work... my ED goes crazy and i feel like i shud be out doing something active instead. So maybe, since im about to try stopping all unavoidable activity when half term starts, this will give me something to fill the time. Altho i can tell my ED is not gonna like it!!! im actually abit scared :-s
So i started looking at it tonight, but guess what... i ended up on t'internet instead! Gah, im just NOT good at paperwork... i have the attention span of a gnat and i can tell this is gonna be a big ol' challenge for me. I always try to wriggle out of these kindof things! but i suppose its only fair, especially if im going to leave nat the end of the school year... i dont want to just leave them in the lurch with no written up plans to follow. im not that mean!!
Speaking of challenges, yesterday i went round my new work friend m-a's lastnight. After our trip to the beach at the weekend, ive felt like ive wanted to hang out and do social things more (a good sign, im moving away from the ED's isolation) But i still have very rigid "allowances"... like that i cant eat there (i had to leave in time to come home for dinner) which is silly, cos most people when theyre relaxed and hanging out round a frends will stay if the offer of staying comes up - they'll just take it on a whim. And if im honest, part of me wishes i did... they were just gonna chill, have some pasta and watch a movie... but i couldnt brave it... yet. the idea of unknown food and not being able to let myself eat/unwind like i normally do in the evenings, espesh on a school night, was abit much for me right now. Which bummed me out, granted. BUT, i know that it also means that next time i WILL make that extra step, otherwise ill be kicking myself again!! It was nice the time we did have tho, the three of us (her housemate was there too) chatted and i talked a little bit about when i got ill and the consequential fear of food etc. so i am opening up abit and hopefully, they will give me some of the support i so badly need. In fact, the housemate loves to cook, so she's gonna try and cook up a dairy free meal for me. Which is a good challenge cos if someone else makes it FOR me, then i will have to eat it... or be a rude ungrateful cowbag! Haha... yeah, it was good being there. It just reinforces the fact that i DO want to get better and be normal again. Whether that means im bigger or wobblier or whatever... cos i might just also be HAPPIER :-) they were so chilled about eating, having cake with their tea, then m-a had a packet of crisps right after cos she was still hungry! I know she exercises alot, but even the idea that she could be so free with food was inspiring to me :-) I think this is going to be a good and helpful friendship.... which is totes what i need right now, i need gentle persuasion and reassurance that its ok to eat and enjoy eating. I cant seem to get that feeling at home, so i imagine ill be trying to weedle my way into hanging out there a fair bit!!! i just hope they dont get sick of me! :p
Other than that, this week has been business as usual. Im so glad i have tomo off cos i reallllly need a good lie-in! Then its upto london to face the fam. I have been trying to chat with my sis more, so fingers crossed we get on ok. I would like to go up and spend time there over half term in two weeks, so as long as this weekend goes well, that should be a possibility.
And if im honest, i actually feel like i WANT to try and talk to my sis. I WANT to build bridges and since we have such a dysfunctional family situation, i dont want to lose anyone just because we're too proud or silly to admit that we have problems. Im open about my shit, i just wish she was too, then maybe we could move past all the bickering and competing and just be ok with each other! But i guess that works both ways.... and i need to work on being ok with just being as a whole before i start tackling all the other parts of me! whats that they say about walking before you run....?! (not that i need ANY help with the walking part :p)
Have a grand old weekend everyone and i will be back hopefully in one piece and with a piccy or two of me in my gladrags at the wedding to share.... see you on the flipside folks.
Take it easy breezy xx
Hello!!! I am SO sorry that I haven't replied back.... :/ I've been so busy and then forget about replying.I know what you are talking about. I was exactly like that... it felt like something bad would happen if I didn't exercise. But that is just Ana. It is fine to havee a day where you do bare minimum. I mean when you are healthy you wont be following a meal plan. You won't be eating to gain weight. You eat from what your body needs And as you are a teacher I take it that you're not just sitting all day. I am sure you are doing a lot of standing and walking around. And remember that is exercise / activity.... just not the same as PW or running or something..... but you do burn calories.... but don't think like that.... 'burning calories'. If you feel tired. Allow yourself to rest. And then there are days when you just have SO much energy. Then it's ok to go out for a long PW to get rid of some energy.You will be free one day. To be able to do nothing in a day and not have anxiety. It doesnt happen over night. And it is hard.... you have to stand out with the anxiety. Just not exercise.... take the anxiety. Take your mind off things.. . Do something else. Something fun. Or like I said.... schedule some coffee dates or something when you usually exercise I mean its ok to exercise... it I'd healthy. It is ok to go for a walk everyday.... but it's not healthy when it's an obsession and you get anxiety because you don't exercise.....Butility it is also ok to have a day where you do nothing... I mean while I was at Mando and was eating loads. And had 0 exercise... some weeks I had lost weight..... the body uses so much calories each day. I mean you said you walk to the school and back? Why don't you just stick to that.... keep the exercise to that level. Really I would say NO exercise when you are trying to overcome an exercise addiction.... but I know myself that it helped to have gone for a half an hour's walk....it felt like I had done something... But believe me. You can recover. You have to be strong. And go against the voice.If you think about it... there are many skinny and eat whatever they want... ??Xxx
ReplyDeleteI hope you manage to have an excellent weekend xo
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