and back again. PHEWS!

I feel like ive been a million places all at once! 

Its nice to have a busy weekend, but sometimes i get home on a sunday night and im like so exhausted and i feel like i havent had a break at all! But i guess it takes some getting used to, ive spent so much of the past 5years being tired and weak and unable to get out and about much, both due to my ill health but also my anorexia not letting me stray from my set routines.... Well they went out the window this weekend for sure!

I went upto London on fri, hung out with my sis at her flat (im trying really hard to get along at the mo, but its still  very hard work!) Yeah, so i walked to the station, but other than that. NO extra walking! mum picked me up from the station cos it was pouring with rain. yes, part of me was like "dont worry, ill walk... its not far" but she was there and so i couldnt really not....

We chilled friday night and mum made a chicken/mushroom/sweet potato casserole with rice and salad. It was nice and i made sure i was OUT of the kitchen so i didnt start faffing about what she'd put in etc... i was proud of that. i ate an UNKNOWN meal!!!! with someone else cooking it all!!! yessss.

Sadly after dinner there was a bit of a family dispute (what a surprise, right?!) Luckily it didnt really involve me this time :p but it was about our teenage cousin and our weird uncle coming to stay, neither me or my sis particularly wanted them there, the uncle and my sis had a big falling out a while back and  he quite frequently dumps his slightly annoying money grabbing son on my mum, who always wants to please, so takes him in even when she is super-busy and entertains him and buys him stuff, even tho he has money of his own. Its not cool.... Anyways. fight kicked off with the mumatron and sis. i tried to stay impartial, but then she started saying she'd bring him home with her to OUR house, i was like. WHOA now. i dont thiiiiiink so!!!

Anyways. eventually we all rolled to bed cos saturday was the big wedding... (i still managed to have my snack before bed. vanilla soy pudding with dairy free choc biccies... go me!)

Saturday was a lazy day. but my sis (who i was sharing a bed with) got up at like 7am and started doing stuff. i slept in but then her and mum said they were off to the supermarket and i didnt wanna be left alone now did i!? so i dragged myself up and just tailed along in my pjs!!! we got home and had breakkie, then there was nothing to do till like 2pm when the taxi came, so i was sooo tempted to go out and walk lots. but it was raining and i knew i shouldnt, so i was so torn. i hate this exercise compulsion... i was genuinely sat there thinking OH MY GAAAAAD. my body is turning to crap as i sit here.... it was hard. but luckily, i had the wedding to get ready for.

Aaaaand here is me in my outfit:

i really dont think this looks like me... weird out of body experience!!!

the fam, aka: team evil!

glammed up and ready to party

The actual wedding was really nice, but because we'd been picked up at a weird time... we hadnt had lunch. it stressed me cos i didnt WANT it (i knew we had a big dinner later) but then i knew id be feeling all weak and grumpy. i had some dried fruit in my bag, so i had that on the way from the service to the party... but i knew it wasnt the best situation :-s

the bride&groom took this beauty... 

we caught route-master buses with champagne!

The wedding party was stellar. it was in this old underground arches place under a train place i think... i dunno! it was cool tho. Massive and all done up so pretty. we chilled with drinks and canapes till we went through for speeches and dinner. but we werent sat till like 8pm. which is SOOOO late for me!!! i wasnt happy. but i knew i had to eat, so i had some of the canapes... they had these yummy sashimi things on a big spoon type thing, crazy! you had to almost neck it back! it was ram tuna or salmon, with ginger and wasabi. ive had sushi, but never sashimi before.... but, i def like it!!! so me and the sis chased those around all evening, while standing about getting bored till we sat.

walking to the venue: 

we felt like alice in wonderland- following the white rabbit...

inside the venue: 

the theme WAS alice in wonderland!! i think it was a coicidence :p

We were all on different tables and i didnt know ANYONE on mine!!! it was fine tho, there was a guy next to me abit younger, so i chatted with him most of the night.... (altho i was slightly distracted, cos i was feeling abit self-concious about how skinny i looked compared to everyone else there- same old story...) So yeah, it was fun. The food was LUSH!!!! i was nervous about it, cos everything had dairy on, but they made me a special dish. the veggie was a creamy pasta dish, so i opted for the meat. but the potato thing they had was all cream and then buttered stuff, so they made me a special plate with these amazing fluffy chips instead of the dauphinoise thingy. which was soooo much nicer and i think everyone on the table was abit jealous!!! they even customised the pudding so that instead of the apple tart, i could have the cooked apples with some other bits on it. SO nice of them :-) oh oh, and i had a cupcake from their wedding cupcake stand. it was scary, but i had to try one... it was red velvet and it was nice, but not amazing... the icing was super sweet and the cake abit bland. hey ho. its good that i tried tho, otherwise i would have built it up to be this amazing tasting treat that i couldnt possibly have.... it really wasnt all that!!!

So drinks, dancing and good food. RESULT id say! it was such a lovely wedding too, the bride looked grogeous and everyone was having fun. it always makes me think about how i should be living my life. free and fun and happy. not trapped and boring and scared..... cos nobody wants to hang out with the tired, grumpy skeleton in the corner!

Today has been chilled, i woke up late despite hearing mumster and the sis leaving to mums fair at god knows what time! i lazed about, had some breakfast (which i made myself have, co shalf of me was feeling guilty for eating so much yest) and then packed up ready to leave.... i walked to the station and had a look in on spitalfields market, which i love but never seem to properly walk around. i think cos im always feeling like i have to be "going" somewhere or "walking" more. that i dont let myself.. which sucks cos they have awesome stuff there and a great vibe. So i texted mum and asked if in half term we could go together and actually walk about. maybe get lunch. do it properly :-)

So i didnt stop, got on the train/bus replacement service (dontcha just LOVE rail improvement work on the weekends?!) and finally got my tired and achey body back home (walked from the station... probs shouldnt have. ive totalled over an hours fast walking today... again) then nipped to the supermarket to get food for the week and BOOM. got home exhausted.

I know its because i have been doing alot, but my stupid head tells me i really havent done much. ive got lifts places and eaten way more, so it makes me feel so bad.... i hate it. plus whenever i get home, im always drained. i can hardly sit up... and i know thats lack of food (i had an apple on the train but thats it) so when i got back and i was putting the food away, i saw the carrot cake that my friend baked for me but i hid so i didnt feel tempted. well guess who was hungry and tempted???? I ate it. it was good. it wasnt great but the icing was sweet and sickly and exactly what my weak tired body wanted. so i had it.... i felt ok cos i knew immediately that my body perked up abit. but then HOLY cow there comes the guilt. im binge eating, i cant control myself. im fat and therefore have no willpower and i shouldnt have had that cos now i should restrict at dinner.

WHAT THE FUDGSICLE?!?!?!

i mean hello, it was a piece of carrot cake, not a huge slice at that and i didnt even eat it all... how does that constitute "binge" eating. its what normal people would have at tea-time AFTER having had a proper lunch etc.... but no. my head starts playing up and again. i hate myself.....

why cant i just eat, for fucks sake. why cant i STOP walking and just EAT???? i know its for the best... its what i want and its FINE to do that. so why do i have such little control over what i do? yes i ate the cake... and that is an achievement, so i mustnt overshadow that, but my god... dealing with the guilt is so freaking harsh. i hate it :-(

Anyways. luckily ive had the lovely blogworld to escape to and try to distract myself.... i know its not a big deal. i ate some cake. its a good thing!!! but i knw im gonna have to fight harder than this in the future. i need to have that scary thing happening daily if im gonna make a difference. But why does my head tell me that i dont need this stuff. that realistically, if i just cut back a little on the walking, that'd be fine... im at a goddam critical BMI for gods sake. why cant i SEE that???? i know its typical to not think you're that sick, but i really need someone to hammer it home. that being 5'7 and in the low 90lbs region (i dont weigh myself, but last time i was about 92-93lbs) is NOT good and its certainly NOT normal. 

so why the hell cant i get my head to believe that i DO NEED TO DO THIS. why does it still feel like im another person... im not this starved weak anorexic, i dont believe it and thats why i never make the changes i NEED to make. I go about my life, feeling like shit but thinking thats just what my life is like... Then sometimes i catch sight of it in the mirror, that horrible, scary reflection... 

But that cant be me... Can it???

Reality is hard to face... and self-acceptance is a bitch!

'nuff said.