krispykremes & check shirts

Yesterday was fun... i LOVE going to shopping centres, a massive building full of shops?! sounds good to me!

I was determined to enjoy my day, even tho i knew i was going to have to challenge myself food-wise, which despite my stomach troubles... I DID! And what better way to challenge yourself than a little trip to krispy kremes :-)

the day started off abit bleeh, id had yet another bad night (why does it ALWAYS get worse at night?! sucks...) so mum wasnt sure if we should go, but i was adamant that i wanted to! I seriously couldnt face another day sat at home staring at the wall! So we decided to leave a little earlier to avoid the half term traffic (mum said) i said she was mad, and guess who was right?! here's a clue: we drove straight there and found a whole car park full of free spaces :-p

but No worries, it meant we had time to nip to starbucks and get mum a cwafeeeee before her comp appt. (seriously, i know im a MAC-lover, but its so good that you can book sessions with a trainer to help you figure out your comp! mum was PC for years so when she moved over to the dark side, heheh, she needed a little help y'know. anyway, now she's hooked! she gets free training for a year and she be making the mosty!) i had me a little snack then we parted ways, her in search of a geeky tech to talk megabytes and me in search of some FASHION! ahh clothes make me happy :-)

i didnt buy anything, im a little strapped for cash at the mo, espesh since i have to pay off this holiday at xmas... but i like to browse anyway. Saw some nice stuff, but im still feeling abit off trying on clothes since loosing some of my hard-earned weight being sick... Im still super concerned that im not gonna be able to reach my goal of 10lbs on by xmas, but more on that laterrr.

this is what i wore anyway... (me + checked shirts = love x a gazillion)

Apologies for the "interesting" camera angle!

when i met back up with mama, she wanted to eat lunch but it was early and id only just had my snack! So she got a panini while we browsed and i picked up that illusive pret a manger baguette that had been playing on my mind for a while.... result? white baguette tastes good and does not kill me! YIPEE!

we also stopped by this place for some naughty treats!

KRISPY KREEEEEEMES!

I told myself i would have a doughnut, but it doesnt make it any easier to eat. I get so frustrated with myself at the minute... cos i KNOW i need to gain weight and im ok with that, i want this recovery so bad. but when it comes to actually putting the food in my mouth. its a battle every time :-( I know people say it gets easier, i just damn well hope so! cos i want to enjoy food again, and at the moment... im still not really doing that.

Not that it doesnt taste good. IT DOES! but the feelings of guilt afterwards are still there and that isnt helped by the fact that at the moment, those feelings are slap bag next to the feelings of digestive discomfort... which ED loves, the bastard!

Whoa, u better believe that glazed kicked up a serious sugar high

Speaking of which, i just had a telephone consultation with my doc... which was a bloody HOUR late! (sure, i dont mind sitting by the phone for an hour waiting, dum de dum...) altho sadly saying that, i really didnt cos its not like i have much else to do!

Anyway, long story short... i have to lump it. My digestive problems have been aggravated by this viral infection and it means the problems i have with my gut are reacting with the acid in my stomach and its gonna take a while to settle down again. could be a couple of weeks, could be a month, who knows.... (A MONTH!!!!! what!!!! nooooooo)

So i just have to grin and bear it. im gonna have to learn to TAKE IT EASY! i cant battle on like i normally would (and have been trying to do) cos my body is just not ready for it. his parting words were "listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs". Yes, wise words, but it could almost be like speaking double dutch to a recovering anorexic who doesnt yet know how to trust her body....

well, this is gonna be interesting!

I can only do what i can, if i dont gain those 10lbs i cant beat myself up about it... I will do my best and try my damndest not to let ED use this as an excuse to restrict. If i can eat, i will eat. when im hungry and when my body wants it. Cos i cant really go on set "times" at the mo, sometimes dinnertime rolls around and im feeling so nauseous that if i try to force food down, it ends up making me feel a million times worse (case in point last night: i had what i thought would be an easy dinner of roasted veg & couscous, but it did not go so well. (couldnt finish it, had to move plate cos it made me feel so sicky....) so i thought id try some fruit and yoghurt.... again not so much, so what did old cleverclogs do? forced down some cereal "just in case". MISTAKE! i had to crawl up to bed and hug myself to sleep.... im a sad lil pup when im sick, i need my bed, my soft pillows and my mum! lets just say the foetal position is called that for a reason!!! im such a baby!!!

Anyway. im really sorry if your starting to tire of my endless stomach blues. believe me, I AM!

But this is all part of my struggle so i think i need to make sure i address it as i move through this difficult time, which will hopefully lead to brighter things once i get past it.

Im sure i will be posting more exciting things soon, so stick with me! but for now, rest and repair are the big R's in my recovery.....

xxx

point to me

Well people.....

I DID IT!!!

Yup i went out and had my fish & chips... and you know what?! I survived...! :-)

(and im pretty smug and proud. HA)

Ahh, see if i wasnt feeling so damn sluggish today, id be woop wooping all over the shop (you know me!) But annoyingly, despite kicking it to my ED in the eating out stakes... my grumpy stomach still isnt too happy about the new found party going on in his "area". Cue YET another night of not-so-much-fun ness in the bathroom. GAH, this whole digestive issue is really getting me down to be honest. I know its something i have to live with and im ok with that, its a part of me now. I had it under control before, but it just seems like since i had the old gastro last week, it has been up and down like a bloody yo-yo... One minute i feel fine and its all systems go, then the next im doubled up again... jeez, what do you WANT from me stomach?! you'd think it'd be GRATEFUL that im trying to give it the food and nourishment that it lacked for so long, now all it seems to be doing is punishing me for trying to recover :-(

is it rude to say - IM OVER IT!?!

But dont worry, its not all doom and gloom! cos the more i struggle, the more it makes me WANT this recovery. Its like for all this time i would restrict myself from eating nice food and feel guilty for even thinking about indulging in it... but now that i am trying to let go of that control and go for it, pushing myself out of my comfort zones and genuinely trying to make chages, ive had to suffer the setbacks of this inflammed irritation and go back to eating bland foods again. I want to eat rich, decadent, yummy foods... the forbidden fruits of my anorexia. But im finding it so damn hard!

Strangely enough tho, it hasn't fed back into my fear of trying to eat things... which is weird (but good!) When i first got ill and all this digestive nonsense started, i became terrified of eating certain foods in case they triggered a reaction in my gut... this led onto restricting foods that made me sick and then spiralled further into restricting all foods i thought were "unhealthy" or "unsafe", hence a negative view of food and the consequential development of the ED i now battle everyday.

Weirdly, this hasnt happened this time! If anything, i am even more determined to get on with recovery!! I think ive now realised that i cant predict what might trigger a reaction and i cant control my body... it will work in its own sweet way, i just need to trust it! When it gets upset and i feel sick, i need to remember: thats not it letting me down as i previously thought... its actually it working on my side trying to get whatever nasty thing out of my body and save me from more pain. So i need to listen and trust that it will help me out in this difficult time.

Just like i have to trust it to let me eat enough to find my healthy weight...

note to self: remember my body is NOT the enemy!

But like so many others, ive been scared of the thought of gaining and not stopping. I know and ive been told that my body will find its set point and then settle out. But I still need to believe it, believe that i am NOT an exception to the rule! My therapist helped me see through this in yesterdays session... I need to approach this weight gain as an experiment, i have come to the point where i truly feel that there is no going back. So basically, i want to test this theory of weightgain... even if i DO gain a load of weight very fast (which is unlikely, but hey i need to put it on anyway... why wait!?) AND i will know what i need to cut back on to maintain my health. Its clear i CAN lose weight, im a goddam pro! But can i gain weight? Who knows, I havent given myself the chance to see that yet. And how else will i ever know how my body works, what i maintain on and what i can really do if i just give my body the chance... if i dont see what happens when i eat more and move less.

sometimes i wish someone would take off my "anorexic head" for a minute!

(LOVE david Shrigley's drawings, he's one funny dude)

Scary thought, but what's the alternative at this stage? Im damaging my health, putting my career in jeopardy and hurting my family and friends. Why would i want to do this to the things i hold dear, just so i can be thinner than other people? just so i can hang onto a security blanket that is more killer than companion? Answer: I dont....

And thats why, even tho its a physical challenge, im gonna keep going. if i have to suffer some discomfort, then i will use that pain to make me stronger in this fight. the pain will like the my physical manifestation of the ED, punishing me for disobeying... but this wont deter my fight, cos who wants to give in to an abuser. NOT ME!!!!!

So for all you people out there who are facing these same struggles... remember that you are STRONGER than this, you CAN overcome it and ohhhh, it will be worth it :-)

So off i go to make myself some lunch, even tho i dont feel like it, even tho my tummy hurts... because i KNOW its the right thing to do....

Its all about choices peeps...

so lets try our hardest to make the right ones!

xxx

up one!

I gained a pound!!!

Not that that is a reason to be complacent, cos its only one pound and its also sadly, only gaining back a smidgen of what i lost last week, when i was ill :-(

So i know i promised a post today, but i am KNACKERED! its been a long old hectic day... and i have a challenging evening ahead! (bear with me till i have some free-time tomo?!)

COS tonights a biggie....

When i was in the depths of my nasty sickyness last week, I asked my mum to take me to this pub near where we used to live... All i could think of was the good hearty pub grub that they serve! Which to my very sore and upset tummy, was incentive to get the hell better!

So now im back to my normal eats, the time has come to step up to the plate (haha, see i made a little joke... WHAT a dork i am!) Tonight we're going out and im gonna eat me a pub dinner.

Yeeeeeeeks!!!!

But, i refuse to let any ED freakouts interrupt my night, cos this was MY choice. i am not being forced into it, it has not been sprung on me.... as i booked the table, i felt strangely calm....

...Im actually (kindof) looking forwards to it!

So wish me luck & check back tomo for the (fallout)

i mean update!!

xxx

P.s I wanna say a MASSIVE thankyou people, for all your lovely posts... Really, you guys mean the world to me and i honestly dont know if id be able to do this without your motivation and support. so BIG LOVE to you all :-)

HAHA, ive just had the funniest encounter.... i had to share.

My little pooch usually waits by the kitchen door while i make my snack, cos she knows that when ive made mine, i make hers. Anyways, i was making mine and i looked over to see where she was cos usually she's like RIGHT there waiting. And get this.... She was hiding behind the corner of the doorframe!!!!! She totes thought i couldnt see her and to be honest, i couldnt! But then i caught a little glimpse of black ear and i saw her eye peeking round!!! TOOOOOOO funny! what kindof crazy animal IS she?!?!

Is it sad how much entertainment i get from my dog?!

Man, maybe its time to get out some more!

Still, it was bloody funny!

Anyways, i hope you've all been having a Funday Sunday, i will post properly tomo...

Monday 25th... The day i start the next chapter in this recovery battle. Ive been wanting to let go of this control and rigidity for a while, but then i got sick and it had to be put on hold... altho that was somewhat of a blessing in disguise (a very NASTY disguise may i add!!) But it DID give me a massive shift in perception, a turning point in my thinking and in what i want from life, and for that im very grateful!

So, im seeing my therapist tomo and thankfully, now that my stomach has stopped b**ching at me, im more or less ready to get back to eating normally! and tomo is where i kick off my new plan, its my "GET MY ASS IN GEAR" plan!!! my "Sheeeeet, i only have 8weeks till i go away for xmas and have to be in my bikini in front of my family" plan. hehe. Its not gonna be easy, but i have a goal! and im lucky enough to have this fab lady as my partner in crime :-) She is like my recovery-homegirl!!!

So, here's how tomo is looking:

• weigh in & therapy
• assess my situation
• make some planssssss (i LOVE to plan!)

and then basically, go from there..... No More Excuses!

See you on the flipside peeps!

xxx

Balancing Act

Today i finished work for the week... but not just the week as in, i have the weekend off. Oh no, i mean THE WEEK as in a week and a weekend!! its half term next week peeps, no work for me :-)

Now altho this is a great thing, cos god knows i need a rest! that illness blip last week was no joking matter, its taken me the best part of 2 weeks to recover and im still a little shaky... but luckily, i think im past it now. I had a proper meal last night! the first "proper" meal where ive plated up a decent amount and managed it. Plus then ive felt okay enough to brave pudding and night time snackypoo, which is awesome in my eyes. considering my poor inflammed stomach was struggling to hold down a measly rice cake last week. urgh. i HATE stomach bugs, but believe me stomach bugs when you already suffer digestive problems is like stepping on dog poo and then realised you have no shoes on... NOT cool! :-(

But there's a little niggle in the back of my head which has been steadily growing this week as i start to get back to normal.... you guessed it, ED and his sneaky, sneakers. creeping back into my head and filling it with nonsense.

All the time i was in bed, sick, i told myself that i needed to change. that having this ED was effectively sapping the life from me. Everything is harder and more complicated when my Ed is in the situation. So i was convinced that this was a turning point. and i still hope that it can be... but im nervous. As i am now feeling like i can tackle proper food again, i feel like i need to make my move. take charge of my destiny and step out from behind the safety of ED..... i told myself by the end of this week, by half term, i would start eating RIGHT. following my MP and having those 3 full meals and 2 snacks. no excuses. I decided that to keep me accountable i would aim for a target of 2000cals a day, no less. Because i worry that if i dont have a set number, then i will fall behind and maybe not get as much as i think i am getting.... But man am i scared. ED has started whispering that eating less over the time i was ill was better and i shud stay with that. i dont want to. i am feeling my hunger return and that is NATURAL. ive been ill, im now getting better, my body is asking for fuel to get me back to normal again. i need to honour this request, not deny it cos my stupid ED liked the fact that i was surviving (barely, hello bedbound!) on so little. Plus the fact that next week i will be significantly less active is playing on my mind. I know i need to cut back on activity wherever possible. But my ED still wants me to do the same as i do when im at work.... not more, but not less. Whereas i just want to find a happy medium. I managed to stop myself from doing any core strength exercises while ive been ill, cos i didnt see the point and i didnt want to damage my body. But again, now im getting better, ED wants me to "stop being lazy".... why cant i just BE. normal people dont worry about doing a quota of exercise, most normal people dont even THINK about strength training, or know what it means even... why shud i punish myself. i never used to.....

I need to be strong and stand up for the old me....

she was just fine, lets get her back!

Plus i want to start eating fear foods. I know that i need to gain before i go away on holiday this xmas, so do i want to gain weight slowly and cautiously only eating "safe" foods like i was before? or do i want to go BALLS OUT and start trying new foods and enjoying them again? heres a clue, i sure as hell dont want to get to a healthy weight without having indulged in a little decadence.... im not talking about gorging on junk food. but for gods sake, im scared of having a baguette cos i feel like if its not brown bread, its even MORE of a bad carb.

I need to see sense....

So, tomorrow i plan. I want to write down what i aim to achieve over this week of half term. I want to make changes that i can stick to, changes that will shape how i continue on with this recovery. I have alot to catch up on after being ill. But i know that if i stick to my guns i can do this. Its all a big balancing act right?! not going to fast, but not dragging my heels....

I guess i just need a bit of encouragement, im usually so positive..... but im still only human, i struggle with these things just as much as the next person.

So im calling on you fantastic people to help me out here.

give me a shout, a word of wisdom, even just a sign that its all gonna be ok.....

.....this wall looks pretty high from down here

i think i need a leg up!

Cos I love me some pink floyd!

thankyou

xxx

GAHHH.

Now it actually bums me out bigtime to post this, especially just after re-reading my muchos over-excited post of the other day.... but sadly, the truth is: im not as "better" as i thought i was.

BOOOOOOOO, why does this have to happen?!?

I thought id kicked this gastroentiritis thing... i mean i took the week off, i slept, i ate dry toast AND crisps (all against ED's wishes!) i thought id done my time in the sickbed!

I was wrong. Now dont worry yourselves, im not at death's door or anything! heck, im still going into work. im not BAD like i was last week, but im just not right either :-(

It kicked off again last night. the feeling of sicky dread.... concrete in my stomach, the gurgles the (ahem) trapped wind and nasty bloatedness. Yup there it was, no hiding.

And even tho i thought it might pass today, it rumbled on through my lessons ("miss, whats UP with your stomach, its making some proper funny noises...") oh the shame!

So whats up with this!?! I dont know if its a continuing inflammation from my other digestive problems that is causing the initial infection to hang around like a bad smell... (too much again?!?! haha, im sorry!) But it sucks ass. im not happy. In fact i had what can only be described as "a proper strop" this afternoon! I got home and was lazing around like a self-pitying grumpster, snapping for no reason and generally being bolshy, but then get this....

i BURST into tears!!!

Spongebob, i feel ya buddy...

yup, i couldnt even really explain, i was just overwhelmed and frustrated with the lack of energy, with the lack of ability to do what i can normally do and more than anything the lack of BEING ABLE TO EAT!!!!!!

But luckily, my mum being the star that she is, did NOT pander to my little tantrum, she ignored me!!! yes, i was fuming. But then i thought about my behaviour and how childish i was being, considering some people have far worse situations! that i picked myself up, gave myself a little pep talk and got on with the day.

I cant MAKE myself better, i can give my body the time and rest it needs to fix itself... but thats the best i can do. I need to stop always trying to be the best at everything. Sometimes i need to kick back and let someone else do the running... it doesnt make me a failure, it means i will be more capable next time. If i overdo it now, i will pay the price for it later.... But DANG is it hard to sit back and take time out when all i wanna do is be back to normal again! :-p

I think this is a valuable lesson to me right now, i need to stop pushing myself to the limit. Its like nothing is good enough, i always need to do more... Well when am i gonna be satisfied, when im in the hospital?! I know its my own fault for getting myself into this crazy routine and my ED doesnt help, because overachieving is one of the characteristics that go hand in hand with anorexia. But that is not an excuse.

I posted a while back about learning to STOP, LISTEN and LEARN..... well peeps, i think its time to start listening to my wise advice again!

when you look back on a difficult situation...

what advice would you give yourself if you could?

xxx

warning, there is some CHEESE in this post!

Noooo, not THAT kindof cheese.....

Im talkin the "IM SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!!" kinda cheese!

The kindof cheese that makes this ordinarily overly cynical, dry-humoured, wry girl sing LAALALAALALAAAAA at the top of her voice, just because its a beautiful fresh Autumn morning and she is finally feeling well enough to join her mama on a morning walk with the pooch :-)

Yup people, IM BACK!

I feel like myself again, im not wobbling about like bambi or spending more time in the bathroom than is strictly normal! Yipeeeeee.

Even yest i was still a little hmmmmm-ish (if thats a word?!) y'know how it is, still abit worried about doing too much, still wary about eating those tummy troubling foods that you have to avoid when sick... Buuuut, this morning when i got up i felt ok, i felt like it was time to get back to me :-)

And that meant a lovely morning stroll to breathe in the crisp air and get dew drenched trainers

but especially... JUMPING IN LEAVES!!!!

Yes, you might think im a little old for such madness... but who cares! ive been off work for a week, my sensible teacher hat has been replaced by a warm winter beanie and i wanna play!!!! (altho can i say how excited i am to get back to work on monday!) ive actually missed the place! plus its only a week till im off for a week again... god bless half term :-)

But anyway, this week off has given me time to think about how precious life is, especially in terms of what i want from mine... In a nutshell, I want more!

I dont want to look back in ten years time and think about all the things i missed out on, i dont want to have regrets... and more than anything, i DONT want to be stuck in this ED influenced situation then. NO SIREE!

I really think that by being bedbound and having time to reflect on all the stuff ive been dealing with lately has helped me put things in perspective... I dont want to waste anymore of my life on this eating disorder, i want my life back!!! Its my future and if i dont claim it back, it'll be stolen from under my nose.... its daylight robbery people!!!

Anyways, from now on im taking charge... i have both nutritionist AND therapt appts on monday morning, and im going to have to face up to the realisation that i will have lost weight this week :-( BUT, that is just more incentive to work harder at recovery... cos im proof of how easy it is to get sick and loose weight. But what i must do now, is fight ED to get me back into a helthy state and the onwards.... we need extra weight to protect us from illness, thats why in recovery its best to go further and have a safety buffer zone if you like, to protect us from ED getting his nasty claws in if we DO suffer an unplanned weightloss, so its gonna be tough. but i can do it...

there is no alternative now in my eyes :-)

So here begins the journey of building back up to full strength... which i hope will be alot easier than having to "scale back"... so with foods, i can reintroduce a healthier approach to the protein/carb/veg ratio... making sure i get enough of what i need rather than replaceing some things with "safer" alternatives. Also i can bring back a small level of activity without feeling like i need to being active all day long.... rest is important. and its not that scary!!!!

So all in all, its been a tumultuous week, but if there's one thing ive leaned its that....

It sucks being ill, but it sure as hell makes you appreciate getting better!

Have a fantastic weekend lovely readers...

oh, and if you happen to pass a pile of leaves...

go for it, JUMP ON IN!!

xxx

yipyip

Yeeeeeee! im still alive!!!

Seriously tho, yesterday evening i thought "oh my word... this is it, im going DOOOOOWN"

i felt like all different shade of crap, man its true what they say about you've gotta get worse before you can get better. URGHHHHHH!!

BUT, over here on the flipside..... day 4 has looked alot perkier :-)

I woke up a bit sceptical, and who can blame me?!

"whats this, i can MOVE without excrutiating pain?!"

i even made it to the bathroom unaided! hehe.

So from there i took it step by baby step, managed to sit up and get some work (ahem reading trashy mags) done in bed, then altho still abit weak and wobbly...

.....think this little fella (altho not even HALF as cute :-p)

i made it downstairs!

where i majorly od'd on reality TV, come dine with me is my ultimate guilty pleasure

Still having some problems with the eats, but i have find my hunger returning abit more which is a positive... but that still doesnt help me feeling nauseous after, but ive found that if i relax and try to eat slowly and chew alot it helps (altho i look abit weird!) im planning on having a slightly more substantial dinner tonight, so if that goes well (fingers crossed!!!) i will try and get back to normalised eating tomorrow. YAY!!!

In a way im quite thankful for this little wakeup call. It wasnt fun (or pretty!) But it has made me realise that i DO need to stop and take care of me sometimes... the whole busy busy busy thing is great, i love it. but i need to balance that with some relaxation. Ive realised that by being pretty much sedentary these past few days, i take for granted how much i actually do! Even just being at work and moving around and being busy. its alot! i always thought i was only "mildly active" but i dunno if thats the case!

The other thing that im thankful for is that i have broken my obsessive need to do silly abs stretches in the morning. im pretty sure they are unnecessary (well they are at this weight anyway!) so im gonna knock them on the head methinks! I will be doing enough when i get back to work anyway, so whats the point!

Im not gonna pretend that ED hasnt sneaked a look in today, cos he has. little bugger! (and lets just say he wasnt bringing flowers and a get well card!) Now that im feeling abit better, i started thinking i should get moving again. WRONG, i still need time to heal from the illness that has had me bedbound for nearly a week! and that sure as hell aint gonna happen in a day...

Secondly the return to food... its hard to start eating again when you havent been able to. But i am pushing myself little bit by little bit and i have already made some steps to eating more freely, i truly dont think i will be so scared of eating bread as much now, ive eaten it non-stop for about 5days! And i am planning to gain back this weight aswell as continue my weight gaining recovery journey, so some nice eats are in order to get past this little sickyblip. Dinner out?! why yes mother, that sounds lovely.... yeeeeeaaah!

Anyway lovelies, i said id keep you posted. This was day 4 off work, day 5? of being ill and dun dun duuuuuun.... day ONE of feeling better!!! so amen to that :-)

Sooo, stay posted for day two! (last day of the week, cant believe ive been out for the count for a whole WEEK - dearie me!) Adam is coming round to entertain me with some DVD's, im looking forwards to the company... ive been going mad! Sadly pepper isnt much of an entertainer when all she wants is for me to take her for walkies :-p

enjoy your evening

xxx

Day 3 and counting...

Well im not usually one to grumble (my stomach's been doing that enough for one person!) but im starting to get a teeeeensy bit bored of this illness thing. I feel alot better in myself, but i cant shake the grumbling, stomach stabbing pain and sicky feeling :-(

SO, after two days off work i decided today was the day i head back to work... i had alot i wanted to do with my classes this week since next week is the last before half-term. But after a dinner of baked beans on toast (FEAR FOOD, woopwoop!!) and a bowl of cereal/yog, i felt some bigtime pain....

I like to think i have quite a high pain threshold, but this was too much.

Mum helped me upto bed and rubbed my back (man i LOVE her, it cant have been fun for her to sit rubbing my bony backbone :-( but thats what mothers are for and she did a sterling job!) as i drifted off into what was a very unfulfilling sleep waking up every hour or so, probably more in fact, cos my stomach was literally moving under my skin. This sounds gross (im sorry!) but it was filling up with air and then when it got too full, id pop (hehee i SAID sorry!!!) i could FEEL and HEAR it... it was like having something inside me fighting to get out... anyone seen the alien films?! HELLO?!?! seriously, it freaked me out.

So, when morning time rolled around i had to admit defeat AGAIN and text in sick. i was gutted, not only cos i hate sitting around like a lazy bum, but cos i hadnt prepared any cover work and im getting short on ideas for what my pupils can do without me there!

Decided the best course of action was to go see the docs and have it out. Cos i thought by now id be feeling better instead i was having some serious spasming stomach cramps.

Doctors verdict: Severe case of Gastroenteritis, inflammed further by my ongoing digestive problems, which has triggered my intolerances to become super sensitive and therefore creating a reaction to everything i put in my mouth.

GREAT ...

Well at least now i know. She also said its very lucky i came in when i did, cos my malabsorption issues have meant that the gastro has robbed me of any nutrients i had and because i havent been able to stomach much, im very dehydrated and another day and id have caused a further infection in my kidneys. Oo-er! So yes, im now going to have to ring up work and tell them i cant come in for the rest of the week while i recuperate.... MAAAAAAN!!!! this is killin' me! Im gonna have to buy some trashy mags or something to pass the time... i think you can expect to see my daily, or make that HOURLY progress on here, complete with ahem "movements" hahahahaha, just messing, im not THAT gross!! :-p

The weird thing is, generally i feel fine! i just have to deal with the shooting stomach pains and i cant eat anything without causing all kinds of ugly in my tum. Hmm.

On the upside (there's an UPSIDE i hear you ask!?!?) I have unconciously been challenging myself quite a bit! obvs, its not all good cos i havent been able to eat as much, so i am pretty sure ive lost weight :-s which worries the almighty out of me, cos i was doing so well and i DO NOT want to slip. but i think that actually this might have been a blessing in disguise, cos for a change im having to listen to my body... I cant do my daily stretches, or my AbsYoga, heck i havent even been able to go out and walk much! But y'know what, its actually not bothering me all that much, weirdly! Its like i needed an excuse to stop, cos i was too scared to do it myself. I still get little niggles like thinking i need to do something rather than sit all day, but then i think that physically i cant do that. if im unable to consume proper amounts of food then i certainly dont have the energy to fuel much activity, sedentary is the best thing for me right now. But what a scary prospect for someone who is usually always "on-the-go", i guess i will just have to do my best to chill out and make the most of the break....

But food wise, well... ive faced Pasta... ive faced baked beans on toast... and right now, ive just finished.... A PACKET OF CRISPS!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

This is such a major breakthrough for me. I never have crisps, seeing them as BAD, FATTY, ADDITIVE filled and GUILTY. but for some reason whenever i have tummy problems, i always crave a bag of walkers ready salted! (i think its the salt lost thru dehydration or summat) but hey, what my body wants, my body needs....

So i guess this would be where i start babbling about clouds and silver linings?!

Naah....!

take care

xxx

grumbletum

Mornin to all you lovely people, altho im afraid to say its not a particularly good one, sadly....

cos i am a sickly pickle :-(

It all kicked off on sat evening, when we went upto london. i was feeling abit "off" most of the day, and when it came to the thought of dinner, certain foods were making me feel abit queasy... not one to be put off by such trivialities, i had a nice easy omelette for and though a good nights sleep would do the trick.

It did not......

i was tossing and turning all night and even had to wake up my mum and ask her to get me a hot water bottle to put over my achey tum. i was not a happy bunny!

Roll forwards to sunday morning, i woke up feeling not too bad but still abit grumbly. i knew i had to be up for my haircut at 9am, so i skipped any form of stretching and had abit of extra time in bed instead. Haircut went ok (altho to be honest-i barely noticed, i still havent looked at it properly yet!) i got ready for work, had a bowl of (what i thought would be) hearty tummy loving porridge and set off. Hearty porridge churning around in my belly was not a nice feeling, and when i made it into work i was not feeling tip top. THEN one of the girls made some very gloopy looking porridge there and ooooh dear. it set me off. CUE extreme nausea and some very nasty tummy spasms.

I barely got thru an hour at work before i called it quits and dragged my sorry excuse for a body back to bed.... (while amassing a few very funny looks as i lounged by the bus stop holding my tescos plastic "makeshift sickbag". did i care?! not a jot, a girls gotta be prepared and sick-on-a-bus is not something you want to encounter more than once-ive had my one time, it was alcohol related and that story shall be saved for a time when my stomach isnt so delicate... remind me in a week or so!)

Anyhoo, i crawled into bed and stayed there till my mum picked me up and drove me back home, bump bump bump.

why do car journeys always seem to take HOURS longer when ur sick?

When we finaly got home, i got into my nice cosy bed and have yet to emerge. I called in sick at work (cos there was no WAY that was gonna happen) but still had to arrange cover work etc so since i had my comp out, i thought id spill my sad woeful tale to you guys... Sorry!

The infuriating thing about this kindof illness, is that mentally i feel fine. I dont have a headache, i dont feel incapable... that is until i try to do anything! Im not the kindof girl who likes to sit and wallow in bed all day, i get very frustrated that i cant do what i want to do. I know i should use it as time for my body to catch up, but boy is it hard!

Especailly since I get this type of stomach upset from time to time, in relation to my digestive problems... Now that i am more or less stable with my sitaution, i can challenge myself to eat noramlly without stressing about what ingredients are in what all the time. But when i start getting reactions to things that arent high on my "avoid" list, i start to worry, cos that usually means tht there is a possibility for a bigger relapse, where my gut becomes overly sensitive to the foods i put in and my intolerances go through the roof.... a whole lot of nasty, let me tell u!

Nevertheless, I am determined to keep a lid on it this time... ive learnt alot thru this illness and i know see more clearly as to how it controlled me and then spiralled into anorexic tendencies. I dont want to hurt my body, but i also dont want to let it get away with dragging me down. I fully believe in the power of poaitive thinking and i hope that if i continue to feed and nourish myself and not let myself get sucked into ED thoughts, then i can try and ride this out.

Im gonna need some good luck vibes tho people, so send them my way please!!!

I feel like i am on the cusp of something big in terms of my recovery, i have reached a point where i am fed up of everything ED holds and i want rid. But already being ill is chipping away at that self-confidence (i told you i was going to be honest from now on!)

For example, i KNOW that the fact that i havent been able to eat much over the past day or two will make it considerably harder to get back to eating more when i do feel better.... QUESTION: how do i see through this slump by trying to get in more cals while not trying to aggrevate my stomach? liquid cals?? high cal, low density?

one good thing is when i get this, i totally crave differnent foods! im dreamin of hot buttery toast and marmalade, big juicy burgers with cheese and crispy fries... the idea of a salad or some fruit makes my tummy say NOOOO!! weird hey?! But sadly, i cant digest red meat and im intolerant to dairy! But its nice to dream and it does make me push myself to have the things i wouldnt normally have like pasta and beans on toast, cos they are ultimate comfort foods and not too hard on the tumster.

Second honesty point is exercise. BOOO. its such a stupid thing to stress over,

but i just... cant.... let....it....go....

Im already thinking that ive missed my usual walk to school and back, i havent done any stretches this morning and im feeling too weak to bother doing much anyway (thinking i might even cancel therapy this avo, cos that wud mean getting out of bed! AND im scared that the scales might show that ive dropped :-s) i know i can get back on track, i have such an ace group of people out there giving me support, especially one star girl (you know who you are!) who seems to be in exactly the same place as me. I dont want to let her (or myself) down, so im doing this right this time. No excuse, no "oh but im ill, so i cant eat anything.....) i can eat and ill deal with the consequences! if it hurts, it hurts... it'll hurt alot more in the long run if i dont!

So there you go. A long rambling post about my troublesome tummy-ache. I hope i didnt bore you too much! Now im off to sleep abit more, might aswell catch up on those zzzz's.

have a nice monday people

and ill make do with watching the world from my bedroom window

xxx

kidding myself

I have a confession to make... And im not proud of it.

Ive been reflecting on my recovery these past few days and im not happy. Im not happy cos i feel like im a big cheater.

I have been all upbeat and optimistic, cos i AM gaining (my weigh in on monday showed i was up another pound, now creeping slowly out of the danger zone, thank GOD for that)

but inside im a bag of confusion and nerves... Yes, I may be putting on weight, but my ED habits are far from relinquished :-(

If anything i feel like they have been exaggerated lately, because now ive started to feel both guilty for gaining (EDs thoughts)... yet at the same time guilty for not doing this recovery thing properly... (my thoughts??) i feel like im still hiding....

Now i know that there is no "right" way to approach recovery, and hey if im gaining then thats all that matters... but is it??? I dont think so and its this thats bothering me. I tried to talk to my therapist about it, but he's not very helpful cos i think he's just so glad that im consistently putting on weight as opposed to the gain half a pound, lose a whole pound scenario that was this summer... But that doesnt help my mental situation. Im not planning on doing anything silly, like stop eating. But its more about the habits i have already that i dont like.

For example, when my nutritionist set me out my basic MP she had me on 3meals and 2snacks. Now it was a big hurdle just to start having lunches, they used to be a big fear for me cos i saw them as a needless indulgence. HA! as if! Luckily, im over that!!! I need lunch to be able to function at work, i see that. But the morning snack, altho it was on the MP, kiiiindof got left out. Its not something i feel like i need. no wait, i know i NEED it... but its not something ive done. Im not usually that hungry mid morning and so i skipped it. and nobody asked about it, so i never bothered. Stupid i know, but now im thinking, hey... im gaining anyway so who cares about that little snack? But what frustrates me, is that i may be gaining, but im not doing it the way i should. Im NOT eating the full amount of cals, i DO scrimp on things, eg carbs with dinner. I tend to skip cos i have a big bowl of cereal before bed. is that ok?? NO, but hey... im gaining anyway. Argh! Plus my exercise urges are not normal... or healthy! i freak out if i miss my walk into school. The other morning one of my colleagues saw me and offered me a lift. How nice right?! NOOOOOO i spent the whole day worrying about it and resulted in taking time out to go for an extra walk to make up for it. thats not normal! i hated myself for doing it, but i couldnt handle the guilt if i didnt.

GOD i just wish i didnt have this stupid voice in my head telling me i need to do stuff. why cant i desice for myself without being controlled by my ED. its doing my head in!!!

Anyway. Im sorry if this has been a somewhat depressing ranty post. I dont want to be a downer and im trying to find a way to push through and get back to my usual self. I just wanted to be honest. Cos altho on the whole i am that upbeat, optimistic person....

i am also only human!

i hurt, i get upset, i get angry, i FEEL...

and in a way, im glad of that... at least im not numb to it anymore.

and this is what drives me.

i want change

So basically, time to stop faffing! i need to get it together. But how, when im still so confused?

Why am i gaining if im scrimping/not sticking to my set plan?

Will i gain even more if i try to stop so much activity & just eat more?

SHOULD i stop the activity, is it simply fuelling my obsessive ED control?

all in all: Whats the best way to get this ball rolling properly???

I kindof want to just jump myself into doing this for real, cos if im gaining anyway then whats the point in stalling and potentially ending up maintaining on a sub-normal amount... cos that is the one thing that is freaking me out the most right now... i know its vain, but the idea that i will mess up my metabolism and then not be able to stop and eat a normal amount with a normal exercise routine scares me more than anything.

Please can someone reassure me that i wont balloon if i try and recover properly with more food and less activity. Cos i want to do it, I just need some advice and support cos that sneaky ED is telling me that its a dangerous move to make, especailly if im gaining as it is.. But im not convinced, if im going to get over the mental hold that my ED still has on me, somethings gotta change....

I dont want to be "stuck in the mud" anymore!

So im calling on you lovely peeps to give me some help, some support, some guidance, whatever you've got!!! chuck your two cents my way, ill take all i can get :-)

xxx

yumzo

Today i went....

blackberry picking!!!!

juicy goodness...!

It was so much fun :-) I think im getting used to this weekend off thing, sadly next weekend i go back to the shop for my (almost) last day... 3more sundays working then im out. Yeah, ill be sad, but ive got my weekends to look forwards to and ive started to like em!!! Plus ive got to stock up on goodies while i still have my discount :-p

So back to the now... This weekend was a little stressful to say the least. We are still trying to sort out whether or not we are going away for xmas and this whole shebang is just getting waaay crazy. We havent booked anywhere yet, prices are going up up up, my sis hasnt got her her dates booked off work and my mum has just left for scotland till thurs. Uhhmm, panic?! NOOO not me. im cool as a cucumber. Im getting well practiced at stepping back from the situation. It will get resolved eventually, but it is NOT my responsibility to organize everyone, finally im coming to terms with that! (a big part of my ED is control based, im so used to being the one who keeps everything together both in my life and with my family, my ED has also taken on those traits. I like to whats going on and be in charge of things, which ive realised is not always healthy, its important to be able to sit back and let others take charge sometimes! PLUS i get enough of being in charge at school anyways, hehe! :-p)

Sorry i keep rambling off the point! I cant help it, i have a short attention span and sometimes my mind wanders off on little tangents! RIGHT, yes, this weekend... okay

yesterday i had open day at school, which was annoying cos it meant i had to work on my day off! Altho you cant really call it work but oh my god, my face was creaking by the end from my encouraging smiling "send your kids here, look how great our school is!" face...

man, schmoozing is hard work!

But when i got home i was rushing anyway to try and fit in all the things i wanted to do with my day, instead of just relaxing and taking my time. So i got angry with mum for not being home when i got back (stupid, yes! WHY i expected her to be there is beyond me... sometimes im such a diva!!!) then i went to waitrose only to be told that the tills had shut down and they couldnt accept card payments. GREAT, so i went to tescos.... oh dear. tescos on a saturday afternoon? NOT fun!!! i was swamped by families, trolleys, small children. ARGH!!! i just grabbed and ran. forgot alot of things, got annoyed again.... do you see a pattern emerging?!?

Another thing thats been stressing is my mum. She is not happy at the moment. the issues she has with her ex are getting her down and it kills me to see her so despondant. Shes not the bright sparkling woman she was and it makes me so sad to see her unhappy :-( But i know theres nothing i can do, and if she gets snappy with me, its only cos she has other shit going on and i SHOULDNT get snappy back....... but i do.

Oh c'mon... im not perfect!! ITS HARD!!!

when someone is getting irritable with you, can you keep your cool?

or do you react?!

basically my mum is not so hot with modern technology! and she was trying to book a carpark space for her flight this morning. She couldnt work it out and kept letting out frustrated yelps from her laptop while i was watching tv. I had asked if she wanted me to do it, but she got stroppy and said she needed to know how to do it blah blah blah. FINE. i left her too it.

but then she starts shouting that the page has closed and shes not sure if its booked and all this, so i went thru and did it for her, but ill admit i was a bit heavy on the old "hmph well, if you'd just let ME do it in the first place....." type thing! She got angry, i got angry. We fought. i booked the carpark...... only to realise...

SHE HAD ALREADY BOOKED IT!!!!!

i got upset and tearful cos i thought it was my fault and id let her down (ED hates letting people down, espesh my mum) she got upset cos i as upset and all in all it was a muchos stressful evening.

Luckily we chilled and made up and realised how silly we were, but it was annoying y'know. i love that we are close but sometimes i hate that our lives are so entwined that if one of us has a bad day, the other one undoubtably gets sucked in too. Tricky. But i think she'll def benefit from a couple of days up north, shes going to this old castle with her friends and they go hunting and fishing and stuff, theres no phone signal and its totally isolated....

JEALOUS!!!!!

i have a full week of teaching to look forwards to AND its therapy tomo morn!

anyone for swapsies?!? no, didnt think so. BOO!

So thats my weekend done. Quite eventful methinks, but probs nothing compared to whats coming next weekend! when ill be venturing back upto london and facing the sismatron, whom i havent seen since the last time she told me she never wanted to see my face again. Not that thats anything new!! Ahh, sisterly love eh, bloods thicker than water and all that! its ok, i know she doesnt mean it... i mean who could NOT wanna see this girlys face!!!! :-p

apologies for the cheesy pic, but hey... my glasses are cool, right?!?!

So anyway, I hope you've all had a fab weekend. Im off to (gorge) enjoy some of those fresh juicy blackberries! Yeeeee!!!

Fingers crossed ive managed to keep up the graining trend tomo. i know i havent been pushing myself fully, so im gonna see whats happened tomo. but i really want to get my cals up to compensate for the higher level of activity im doing now im working again.....

Speak soon lovelies!!

xxx