So ive been thinking about my past alot lately... All this talk of freshers, people starting uni and going out having fun and living their lives has made me a touch jealous!!!

I guess i just feel abit shortchanged! You see, Uni wasn't all that fun for me... I didnt have that typical "uni experience" shall we say! Going out all night, being late for lessons cos youve only just got up, mislaying one of your shoes and then finding it in a flowepot outside?! Its all part of growing up right?!?! Hahaha..... Youve gotta live it to love it. (Its what makes growing up bearable, presumably)

Luckily i did get to experience that carefree, partyhard & being naughty part of my life, i just did it abit earlier, when i was at 6th form college and the following year, on my foundation course... Now I can truthfully say, that those 3years were probably the best years of my life! I had just moved home from boarding school, i was footloose and fancyfree! My parents were very relaxed about me going out and having fun (dont get me wrong, i wasnt doing anything TOO bad!) and i was lucky enough to live in a big house with plenty of room for parties and friends to crash round. i had a ball....!!! But sadly that time of my life was fleeting, cos when i upped and left to london for uni, things changed alot.

Its safe to say that uni wasnt really the best experience for me... i moved to london, i was living with my sister, i was at a college (which, altho has an outstanding reputation in the Arts, hello central st martins!) it was very lonely and isolating with alot of "pretentious wannabes"...

not many of the people on my course socialised together as alot of them were from london already and already had groups of friends, PLUS the uni lacked a proper campus, so there were no particular social events to go to.

I found myself becoming less and less of the bright, bubbly, sociable girl i was before... not to mention alot of sh*t happened during that time which knocked me back considerably out of my comfort zone, the death of a close family friend, the breakup of my parents marriage and the onset of my illness, M.E and consequentially the starters of my ED.... yup, they say bad things come in threes!! It was a tough time... im not gonna wallow in it, but i faced alot of difficulties during that 3 years. Even now, Im still trying to come to terms with some of the fallout, but thats just something that makes me tougher and more able to deal with anything that might come my way... im a fighter and i truly believe that

"what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger!"

Anyway looking back over the past 5 years, i feel like ive grown up alot. But altho that is a good thing in many ways, its also saddening because i feel like ive lost that free spiritedness that i had, the ability to just DO... not to worry about every little detail and talk myself out of things, just to go with what felt right. i look back and realise i had such intuition.... why?

Cos I followed my heart!

It sounds so simple doesnt it! But while sometimes this led to getting hurt, it also let me be true to myself.... and its THAT that i miss the most. I miss being at one with myself, y'know...

Me, Myself and I ....

how did i get so lost?

One thing i know for sure. i want it back. im going to GET it back. i wanna feel like me again. i want to live and be happy and be free!

So here's to the future people :-) Lets all embrace our pasts, whatever they may include... the good and the bad. Lets use them to shape our future. Our lives are ours to mould as we please, dont let things stand in your way, cos at the end of the day, its simple....

If you want something.... Go get it

Who's with me?!

xxx