how to (subtly) get changed in a park

Yes folks... i went there!

I like to think im a reasonably classy girl, meh.. scrap that. it would APPEAR to most people that im a reasonably classy girl, but believe me.... its all a facade! Smoke and mirrors if you will. Sure, i like to keep up the illusion of being girly and nice and smelling of roses, but lets face it sisters.... this is not always the case!

Ah, if only it were true!

I have even been known to pop a trump. yup. im talking farts! (sorry people) but im talking bottoms, im talking squatting in the woods to take an alfresco pee-stop, im talking those things that a lady shouldnt admit to. well, you know what... im only human!!! and if i need to change my clothes and im in a rush and there happens to be a park nearby, YES im gonna casually strip my goodies and change right thurr. boooyah!

in britain, if the weatherman gives us sunshine, u'll find us in the park...

(changing clothes, ahem!)

You might be wondering what the hell im babbling about. and quite rightly so, let me explain.

Yesterday was my friends wedding. Awwwwww, a wedding!! yeah. everyone loves em, right? except when your skinny ass gets numb from sitting on a cold hard church pew, (have they never heard of CUSHIONS?!?!) and the vicar forgets his page of the biblebook and has to go find his specs to search properly... (why are vicars always so old??? where are all the hot young men of god?!) Hmm, yes. it was abit random. But GOOD! i dunno tho, everyone gets soooooo excited about weddings and yea i loves me an excuse to get dressed up all fancypants. but the sitting through readings and a choir that screech just that smidge too loud while having my view obliterated by that one woman who went a little bit overboard with the hat?! ill pass with a big side of YAAAWN.

Yes princess beatrice, im looking at YOU!!!

the royal wedding was not the place to show off your bizarre taste in headgear!

Still, i wont bitch, cos it was a really lovely service (doesnt EVERYONE say this?! i tried it out to see if i fitted in.... :-p) and my friend looked gorgeous. (if a teeeeeeeny bit meringue-y... im mean, im all for the fairytale princess look, but id have gone with a few less ruffles!)

ARGH! i sound like such a spoilsport! haha, its cos its friday and im tired! plus cos i was off yest, it felt like the weekend, so getting up to go BACK in today was weirdy.

Anyways, what would YOU choose for your wedding outfit?! is less more?

or do you think the disney princess look is hot to trot?

AND she's off again. sorry guys, one of these days i might actually write a post that puts across a succint point! (orrrrrr not) yeah, so i changed in a park. in the middle of london. at lunchtime. on one of the sunniest, hottest days of september..... its safe to say i attracted a few glances! HA, weirdly, i have no shame for that kindof thing. sure i hate it when people stare at me and whiisper those inevitable "she's so thiiiin" comments. but the old, "WHOA there, is that girl changing in the middle of a busy park?!"... ill take that any day! :-p

It was fun to catch up with a few old friends.

namely these munchkins....

the crew :-)

we all used to work together (with the bride) but we've kindof gone our seperate ways, some have moved away, some have got new jobs etc. but in true outcast spirit, cos nobody else knew us, we were slightly left to one side to do our own thang. no probs for us, cos we were BY FAR the best dressed and the most unique there :-) and we had a good catch up, which was awesomeballs.

dressed to impress.... :-p

However, it did make me think about my future and what this illness is keeping me from doing. i mean my friend is now MARRIED. as in a bonafide wifey!!! i was super happy for her, but it also made me think about how i want to settle down and have a family and stuff and not always be slefishly putting my ED first. im over that, ED is a shit boyfriend.... he treats me badly and frankly, its time to cut the ties.

I just got back from therapy and weigh-in and im pleased to say im up again this week :-)

Slowly starting to put back on the weight that i lost over summer, this time tho... i have a better attitude. im not trying to do everything all at once and ending up feeling pressured and anxious ANYWAY. noooo, im using that old no-nonsense method of small, measurable targets. things that i CAN do and then feel ok with sticking to. Liiiiike, my not walking in the mornings... nearly two weeks now and im finally good about it. i know it hasnt affected my weight much, i havent ballooned! (i know, i know.... everyone told me i wouldnt, but that sneaky little ED head told me otherwise) REALLY i shud trust you guys, clearly you are WAAAY smarter than this silly disorder! LOVE YA'S!!!!

Now its the weekend and us lucky brits are living in a weird summer-throwback heatwave! im not complaining, get the flip flops out!!!!! QUICK, it might be our last chance!!!

my toes get to breathe for abit longer...

does anyone else get claustrophic ugg-boot feet?!

hope you all have a fun weekend planned. im hanging out with the boy :-) im feeling good about how things are going with us this time (we are off and on more than a tv!) but he's so patient with me, i feel like bit by bit... he's wearing my stupid walls down and im being ME. liking this feeling so far, so fingers crossed :-)

Heres to another two days of freedom!!!!

xxx

its the freakin weekend

well, it SHOULD be!!

But alas, poor old me has to schlep back into work AGAIN tomo for our first open day of the year. Ooh yes, a morning of coffee-time schmoozing and talking up my absolutely fanTASTICAL teaching skills (oh and here's hoping that the boys toilet doesnt flood again, cos that really WAS a treat for the eyes :-p)

seriously, why ARE boys toilets so gross?!?!

Ahh, sorry to start with a moan, but apparently moaning releases endorphins or some shizz and actually makes you feel better cos if youve got a grumble and you keep it inside, it stores negative energy or something?! i swear!! i read it in the daily mail i think, so it MUST be true... right?! heheh. No but seriously, all in all, its been a good week. Im finding that as i get back into my old work routine, im finding things easier to deal with. I have pushed myself when i feel capable (i still get my blip moments but im trying to talk them out more these days!) and i think i am doing pretty well at the whole "not walking in in the mornings" thing. It was raining the other morning and i was like wahoooooo i dont have to get wet and cold anymore! but then i have a blip day when its gorgeous and fresh and sunny and i see loads of people walking into work and i think GAAAAH IM A FATLAZYBUM!!!! and that makes my day feel pooey. but i try to limit those feelings (or at least only rant them in my head!) Anyways, knowing our country, the upcoming wintery months will surely help with this!

Almost time to crack out the UGGS :-)

Now for a quick shout-out, cos im lucky to have had some truly inspiring people post on my blog, who have helped me in my struggles with this whole eating thing. I value each and every one of you and your advice IS heeded. Just please, dont think that because i still have some of the same struggles going on, that i havent listened to your words of wisdom and tried to apply them to my recovery...! I know every day is different and i have to take each day as it comes and do my best that i can on THAT day (i tend to over-pressure myself by planning too much into the future instead of living in the "now") But sometimes it takes more than one kick up the arse to actually do something. (feel free to keep kicking, i can take it!) I am a very stubborn person (im an aries, go figure RAMface) which unfortunately means that i have an extremely complex battle going on in my head, between MY stubborn side and my ED's equally stubborn one.... its like i have to rationalise every. damn. thing. in order to convince myself that the ED side is lies. and even then, sometimes i still cant seem to shut it up.

And i know i havent yet managed to upp my cals enough. I have the information to tell me what to do, i just cant seem to get the wheels in motion enough for it to stick. Its like i cant muster up the courage to just GO for it. The fear is still there and its so used to holding the reins, that i dont quite know how the hell i can bash it down :-(

Some days, i eat like a horse and i actually feel good, like physically, i feel stronger and i know that my body is going "YAY food, i can be alittle bit more alive now" but then understandably the next day, im not so hungry and i eat less. My body says "dammit, i knew it wouldnt last"... and MAN do i feel bad. cos i know that my body desperately wants to run and jump and be alive and healthy like the bouncy little puppy that it is! But im holding it down, im tying the puppy me to a railing and making it suffer cos im scared to let it off the lead! (is anyone confused by my strange puppy metaphor yet!?! i think its cos the mumatron has my little poochums today so im subconciously filling the gap, sorry!!)

Anyway, i know this feeling physically better when i eat is a reassuring thing, cos it tells me that my body is smart and WILL adapt and i wont suddenly expand into a giant flump if i have a little bit of extra food one day! But it also sadly means that i lack consistency like a very inconsistent thing. (i spent a good FOUR minutes trying to think of something that was very inconsistent and the furthest i got was sand... y'know, like when water just seeps into it. random i know. im in that kindof mood) but if YOU can think of something that is very inconsistent that i can use in my very stupid but tres amusing metaphor game (what IS my life?!?!) PLEASE post it, cos im actually wracking my brains here. WRACKING!!! yeah, im gonna end up with a bruise if im not careful!

OookAAAy, CLEARLY im going abit off topic here! this has turned into a grade A babblefest! im gonna chip now before i make a fool of myself :-p

OH OH, before i leave, here's a good one to end it on instead of chip off. (my friend told me this one as we compared our best exit lines) SO!

Bye lovely people!

Im going to make like Anne Boleyn.......

and HEAD OFF!!!!

geddit!?!? im gonna "head off"?!?!?! baaahhahahahahahaha.

i loves it! :-)

ok, enough nonsense for one evening. Proper bye now. ill post back when im feeling less like ive sniffed glue :-)

xxx

jeepers

is this it for summer then?

cos MAN is it chillsome this morning!

beautiful, but COLD!

hey... if its not rainin', im not complainin'

I just woke up and i am freeeeezing! Its times like these when i despise my "lack of natural protective bodyfat". Grr.

I thought id try and have another lie-in like today (yesterday i stayed in bed till 10am, which is late for me! espesh considering on weekdays id have been at school for over 2hours by then!) but teas not to be... somehow my body always adjusts after my big sleepy saturdays and by sunday and i dont need to sleep as much. (this means i know better than to plan anything to exciting on a sat, i tend to zzzz right through it!)

Anyway, ive just run downstairs and adjusted the heating to come on a smidge earlier, cos otherwise im gonna be blue by the time i get dresses/showered. Panic not, we're ALL good :-)

So this week has been a blur, i swear it feels like last weekend was just a minute ago.... I dont think i went into much detail about the weekend, but i went blackberry picking with the boy and then we went and did our usual sunday afternoon slump in costa coffee, reading the papers and stealing space on the leather slouch-couch.... ahh, its goodtimes! BUT this weekend the boy is working and mum is not (for a change!) so im doing the mother/daughter thing instead of the boy/girl one :-p

Im happy with that, cos my mum is the best!

Yesterday after my monster lie-in, i walked to mums shop and helped her out for the morning... walked around town, mooch mooch mooch. (probs too much walking come to think of it, but weekends are my bugbear) then we went to this massive new sainsburys, apparently they had loads of good offers on, so despite better judgement we went to have a look. OHMYGOD, it was intense.... we went in, got abit freaked out. and LEFT!!! unspoken decision.... we turned around and went back to our local waitrose, what can i say... its waaaaaay nicer :-)

Today i intend to sit down and have a real go through my MP for the week. i tend to just go with the flow, but lately since ive been feeling very frustrated in my half-arsed recovery attempts, ive wanted to get the ball rolling.... last weeks operation "no-morning-walk" has gone well, altho mum wasnt here on thurs/fri so i did have to walk both ways then.... which i think has already got me wanting to walk more this weekend. GAAH!! any opportunity eh, DAMN that pesky ED-head....

But today i want to look seriously at my intake (cos im sure i probs overestimate things) and tally up what im having and add a good 500cals to it. i really want to get up to 2000cals, im scared im mucking around with my body so much... i dont want to cause permanant damage :-s i looked up my maintenance online (as a rough idea) and its about 1700, so i figure if i can get up to that and then 2000 and then 2500... its just a case of being ok eating more and moving less....

Here is a rough MP for a weekday (weekends are still abit hit and miss) If you can, help this girl out and give me an idea of what you think im taking in and what i should aim to go for id be very grateful....! Any advice is welcome!!!

B: half glass OJ, 30-40g cereal with soy milk, tspn mixed seeds, tspn chia, 3 small plums & strawberries

L: chicken noodle salad (it says 165cals but im dubious! its quite a big portion of noodles in my eyes! but then again... my eyes are distorted, so....) melon pot (says 39cals) sometimes i have crisps instead, depends how im feeling.

S: 2 rice cakes with spread, topped with cherry tomatoes and basil, chopped cucumber on the side

D: usually 150cals worth of protein (quorn/fish etc) with salad and veg and a piece of bread/pitta

S: BIG bowl of mixed fruit (melon, pear, peach etc) i love my fruit :-)

S: glass of soy milk with either a muffin or some biscuits

So what do you think? i know i need to get more in, especially at lunch. I SO want to change, but yet ironically - change is the thing im most scared of... its a vicious circle!

This afternoon i think im gonna go blackberry picking again while mum is working (i'll be solo this time... boooo!) then the tentative plan is to go into town and try to challenge myself to having afternoon tea in a coffee shop. and that means one thing....

PIECE OF CAKE Y'ALL!!!!

Baah, im scared pantless but im trying not to think about it too much. hopefully then it'll just happen and be ok. HAH!

So week two of "no-walk-mornings" continues next week. but now i have to address the idea of staying less active while trying to increase my eats. Oooh its a toughie!!! but im open to the challenge. anxiety, paranoia and irrational foodie fear.....?!

COME ON!!!!!

after all, its good to have a plan :-)

Happy sunday everyone!

xxx

wobbles

I hate those little wobbles, y'know the ones... where you're teetering on the edge of control and lack of control. I think they drive me extra mad cos im normally such a rational person, but when i go through this wobble - all rational thought goes out the window and guess who steps into the mix.... yup. my stupid anorexic head.

This 'alternative' me doesnt like listening to reason, it doesnt like FACT or PROOF... Nah, it doesnt believe in 'em. it thinks there just lies, the only thing it does believes in, is ITSELF. So it tries to convince me that everything that i know deep down is true.... is actually false.

Basically. it sucks monkey balls!

oh yeah i went there. He's packin some monkey madness down there!!

And it happened this afternoon on the way back from work.

But first things first... As you might already know, i have asked my mum to drive me IN to work each morning so that i dont do my usual power-walk in. This is a good thing, i know. And for the record (and my sanity) here's why...

Firstly: it knocks off almost half hour of unnecessary exercise to my already busy day

Secondly: its nice not to have to worry about walking in when it is dark/cold/rainy as it is bound to be very soon! (i found that i was actually getting anxious about my walk in, cos i felt compelled to do it, yet i didnt really enjoy it)

Thirdly: It gives me more time to get ready and eat breakfast! no more crazy speed-inhaled cereal, i get to enjoy it abit more! even if i tend not to be hungry at that hour of the morning :-p

I repeat those things to myself, cos inevitably the silly anorexic head says that i am LAZY, i will be UNHEALTHY and of course, dun dun durrrrr, ten points for guessing the last one. OH yeah ill get.... FAT. (what a surprise, does someone need some new material much?!)

So its hard, oooooh yeah its hard. I have been trying to up my breakfast each day so that now im eating a good amount, but i tend to sometimes graze from the box after ive finished and am clearing away my dishes. I dont feel BAD about this, cos i like cereal! and i know my body needs it... what can i say, im a RATIONLISER!!! but my a-head pops up and makes me feel guity anyways, even tho half of me is proud. its like one side tells me one thing and the other says something else, but both feel "right"... does that sounds weird?!?! its hella confusing i tells ya!

but which one to belieeeeve?!?!?!

Anyway, so this morning i ate from the packet then got in the car and drove in. OK. i coped. but did i???? all the way there i was looking out the window and seeing people walking to work and thinking, "look at them, theyre HEALTHY, walking in the fresh air, getting a good walk in..." DAMN it hurt. i know i will think differently when the rain is pouring down and i see peoples umbrellas turning inside out! but right now, its pretty hard to deal :-(

BUT i will be strong! Luckily, i dont have much time to dwell cos as soon as i get to work its crazytown and i dont really think about it (good-good-good). But then lunchtime rolls around and i find i struggle with "empty time". I feel like if im not doing something, then im being lazy. like i SHOULD be doing something. So i walk into town and get my lunch and look in the shops and waste time.... "hello, my name is clemmy, and i... cant... sit... still..." GAAAH its annoying. why cant i just chill the f**k out?!

Ahh, i dunoooo. im glad ive cut the morning walk, i think it is a positive step for me cos walking has always been my go-to coping mechanism. I KNOW i need to learn to sit it out rather than running away from my anxieties. but i find that it means im left wanting to restrict and compensate for that lack of movement, even tho i know (rational me, hello again) that the walking i do doesn't burn THAT many calories anyway. Its more of a worry that if i DONT i will be unhealthy or something? i dunno.... anyone else get like that?

So i still walk home, with the poochums :-) cos that is the time that i genuinely enjoy walking. it lets me shut off from the teacher me and wind down after the day.... This helps me deal with the not walking in the morning, cos i know i am getting SOME activity, but today i left early and i had more time than usual.... so a-head pops up and says "you shud walk further". Oooohnoooyoudont! i saw it coming, and i was torn. half of me was saying, screw it... its a nice day. you can walk abit more, its not like you walked this morning. And the BAM. its like my head just fixated on the lack of walking and made me feel bad for it. i had to make that time up. i mean WTF?!?!?! thats just silly, it totally defeats the point!!! i was fighting so hard but then part of me DID want to go abit further cos its a nice afternoon and did i really just wanna go and sit inside at home? i was literally buzzing in my head with pro's vs cons.... sensible vs urge... and obviously, ED vs non ED.

I walked.

BUT i didnt go the "long route" that i wouldve taken. i walked abit further and then thought... "nah, the guilt isnt worth it. ED can screw it, ill walk when im healthy!" and took a shorter route. Granted i still went further than i should. and when i tell mum im sure she's gonna worry and maybe think i shouldnt have the afternoon walk either. But i think what this proved is that i made a decision. i struggled.... it was shitty. but i FOUGHT BACK. im good with that.

And at the time, all these ED thoughts about eating less for dinner/snack etc were flying about. but ive squashed them. part of me is still a little bit guilty that i walked further at all, but that was a choice i had to make. If im gonna get through this i need to be able to fight my corner.... and everytime i do, ill get stronger until the a-head is cowering in the corner!!!

So day one of the FULL week of no morning walking (last week was almost a tester cos i only started thurs) and come to think of it, i did quite alot of walking over the weekend. which is not great i know.... but maybe that is what triggered me to freak out today? i know that consistency is the key right now. so i need to keep things the same so that i dont end up comparing....

This is a problem that i intend to address with my eats aswell. I tend to save cals so then i feel i deserve a bigger dinner. But this means im not having enough during the day and i realise that thats WHY i want more at dinner! (vicious circle right?!) So i want to try and spread my meals & snacks out better over the day. i dont want to choose a safe lunch cos im too scared to have the higher cal one. I should be having a target amount to meet EACH day, so that i start trying different things.... then if i have a lesser lunch i will have to make it up with something extra aswell.

has anyone done this?

Any ideas or tips on how to do this would be great! :-)

So, targets for this week...

• continue to get lifts in and try to control walking at other times. (eg, lunchbreaks, walk home etc.)
• Try to increase to a more "set calorie amount", to stop me choosing the safe option every time.

Hopefully this will also allow me to incorporate some of my fear foods. cos im still very stuck in the mindset that if its a fear, i cant have it (even if it is the SAME calorific value! SILLY A-HEAD! you dont make sense at all!!!!)

Wish me luck peeps. Every day is a new opportunity to fight this thing. Some days will be harder than others, but im trying to rationalise (again!!!) that if im not finding it a challenge, then im not trying hard enough!!! progress takes determination :-)

Afer all, if life gives you lemons.....

Back in Black :-p

Afternoon/Evenin y'alls.

It has been one KILLER of a day... which is not to be surprised it being the first day back at work after the school holidays. The kids are wired, the timetable is weird and usually the majority of the pupils are in the wrong room/building/school?! it DEF takes a few days to settle down (which is why we start on a thursday... see!? these two days dont matter and then on monday it starts FO REAL!) But today was a right corker! The first two hours were spent with my form, sorting timetables, checking schedules etc. FUN (or not, cos technically on my usual timetable i would have had a free for one of those hours... GRR) then cos i missed my free doing that, i had to roll STRAIGHT into a double juniors lesson, 2 hours with the wee littluns. while my senior peeps headed out for breaktime (oh how i longed to join them. but NO, i had work to do!!!) after that i had a snatched 20mins lunch, while doing my detention duty. i then registered my form and headed back to do another 2 hour lessons with the seniors. PHEW!!! now usually this would be a crazy nightmare. but i kindof appreciated it today. WHY? you ask?! well...... it all happened on monday.

Basically, i have finally opened up to my mum and asked her to help me more in my recovery. Well it was kindof a "have-to" situation, we had a big old fight on monday night and pretty much agreed that this situation wasnt working. nothing was changing... i havent been "gaining", myabe a bit here and there, but i hadnt made a commitment to gaining. i wasnt losing, i was just being. but then NOT being at the same time. GAH.

well anyway, after this fight - i felt like poo. i felt so alone and so scared... i knew i wasnt doing enough to warrant calling myself "in recovery" and ill be honest, i absolutely hate the hold ED still has on me. So i confessed all this and we decided, it was time to make a stand against anorexia!

Naturally, my mum didnt know how to respond. I said i couldnt do it alone anymore and if she wanted to help, we needed to do this properly... no excuses from me, no "i can do it MYSELF" selfish ED moments! us fighting together, as a team.

I called my therapist to see if i could see him that day (tues) and mum asked to come with me. i was nervous but ohmygod, it was the BEST thing. i opened up and mum spoke to and we had such a progressive session :-) Its scary and i have by no means cracked the recovery thing yet, but im trying and im feeling supported. i can TALK about how i feel. it helps....

So, phase one was to meet my MP each day and not obsessively power walk. Right. i can do that! roll on weds and im going into training at school. what do i do to cope with my anxiety?! i power walk the long way into school.... after PROMISING my mum that i would take the short route and take it easy. EPIC FAIL!!!! (i also missed my am snack as i had a meeting in the break) but, instead of sneakily thinking. wooooo ive tricked them. i confessed to my mum. ohmygod i cant tell you how good it felt to NOT let ED win. cos i wasnt tricking anyway but myself but skipping snacks and walking excessively. So after feeling muchos shitty. we agreed that clearly i could not control the walking thing. and so mum would now drive me INTO work everyday. i could walk home, but as long as it was a sensible walk with the dog and only 30mins max. holypanicohmygodimgonnafreakoutyaaaaaaaaa. yes. i was scared. but thank GOD i did it today, cos i was so busy i literally did NOT have a second to stress! even when i couldnt go out and get lunch like i normally would (with a little powerwalk around town) i COULDNT!!! and i survived!!! HA! take that anorexia. you nasty little beehatch. SO, im grateful for my horribly intense working day. yes. im weird like that. its given me one up on ED and so that makes me feel like ive achieved something! :-)

So normally, after all this madness, you'd think id be too tired to blog! but im feeling wordy for some reason... could it be that ive been gabbing away all day?! perhaps! but since ive been grossly over-using those "tell me one interesting thing about YOU" introduction Qn's (dontcha LOVE them.... "urr, i like music and hate brussels sprouts, please give me an A.....") hmmm. I thought i'd turn the tables and have a go at answering a few of these beauts myself! cos hey, who doesnt LOVE a good questionnaire?!

1. What’s a nickname only your family calls you? My dad used to call me stringbean, but other than that i didnt really have one....!

2. What’s a weird habit of yours? Weird habits.. hmm. When i get out of the shower i always have to dry behind my knees first! thats pretty strange right?!

3. Do you have any weird phobias? Not that i can think of! OH wait... i dont like walking over three drains!!! i was told it was bad luck once and it stuck. very annoying when your walking with someone and you have to do a crazy side-shuffle to get past the drain unnoticed!!

4. What’s a song you secretly love to blast and belt out when you’re alone? I will do this with pretty much any song that is sing-able to and i know the words...! especially love doing it when i take the dog out to the field and nobody else is around. singing at the top of your lungs in a wide open (public) space is tres refreshing!!!

5. What’s one of your biggest pet peeves? Urrhh i have SO many!!! im a big old grump i tell you! i hate slow walking people. people who talk too loudly. people who sniff but dont blow their nose. people who swear unnecesarily.... the list goes on!

6. What’s one of your nervous habits? I pick at my nails, i say "right" alot... (like it might help me think of what i need to do!)

7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Left side (nearest the door) on my side. I used to only like sleeping in beds that had their sides against the wall so i could see the whole room... scaredy cat!

8. What was your first stuffed animal and its name? First one was a duck, ironically called DUCK (it was my first word)

9. What’s the drink you always order at Starbucks? I never go to starbucks cos i dont like coffee... i dont even really like hot drinks! but when i have been, i get a peppermint tea :-)

10. What’s a beauty rule you preach, but never actually practice? I wouldnt preach a beauty rule i didnt practice, whats the point! i cleanse tone and moisturise religiously... i believe your skin is worth taking care of :-)

11. Which way do you face in the shower? HUH?!? i face the shower door (its a modern glass square cubey thing) i DO spin about in it tho, depending if im washing out or putting in shampoo...

12. Do you have any ‘weird’ body ‘skills’? nope and i cant think of any id particularly LIKE to have. im happy that i can get out of bed and go about my day... thats a skill in itself!

13. What’s your favorite comfort food that’s ‘bad’ but you love to eat it anyways? I wish i let myself indulge in "bad" comfort food... im getting there. i guess muffins or cookies? but i tend to go for the healthier ones anyway.

14. What’s a phrase or exclamation you always say? pretty much anything with "balls" at the end. amazeballs, awesomeballs, monkeyballs.... its like im possessed.

15. Time to sleep, what are you actually wearing? OOOH. i rock the tshirt and shorts combo. with bed socks when its cold... what can i say. im a granny :-p

16. What did you used to wear that you thought was cool but now you realize it wasn’t that hot? I do remember sporting a tight cropped tee that said "cute" on it. i think i also had a matching pink fluffy jumper i wore with it. this was not a great look. i wasnt even that cute.... ive learned my lesson!

Well thats its folks. ive run out of time cos i MUST go and get some prep ready for tomo's lessons. im a bad teacher.... just ask cameron diaz!

If you love a questionnaire as much as i do, then choose one (or more!) of the QNs from this one and let me know you're answers!

remember me?!?

HIYAAAAAAA!!!

Oh come on... I haven't been away THAT long have i?!?! i mean... we're still friends right?!

...RIGHT!?!?!

Good, then onwards we go :-)

Hehe, i dont blame you for thinking "who the heck is THAT?!" but peeps, im BACK. like properly back... the summer is drawing to a close and the upcoming start of term is looming, no more holidays for moi... i have to knuckle down and get my work on. EEK i have done absolutely no planning and i go back in 2days. uhhhhhhhrr :-s

but who cares, right?!

cos ive had an absolutely AWESOMEBALLS summer :-)

Rocking the tandem bike... Bonus points for not falling off!!

im so glad i set myself up with a bucketload of stuff to do, cos it really helped me put my life back into perspective. i AM still young, i HAVE got friends and interests and i CAN live my life according to MY wishes. frankly, ED can stick it! Ive come round to the fact that i CAN say no. it hurts like hell and the feelings of guilt and anxiety are shitty, but hey... life aint no picnic and sometimes you've gotta roll with the punches! (i confess, i had me a little freakout the other day when my mum took the dog out for an HOUR in the morning and i got all panicky and ED started telling me that i needed to equal that time or at least eat less or some bollocks... well, YES. the voices were strong, but i went to my mum and had a little cry and then SAT MYSELF DOWN and rationlised it. i dont need to walk, my body isnt strong enough to exercise, my walking is not normal walking anyway, PLUS my mum actually spent half the time gossiping with the other dog owners.... so there! Ahhh, i calmed down and went on with the day in a way i dont think id have been able to do before, it felt good. like i had some control back over this illness... like i put ME in charge again, i liked that feeling)

So with some help from an amazing friend, who wrote to me and opened my eyes as to the extent of my issues and how (in the nicest possible way) i needed to stop hiding behind excuses and face up to things.... i DID!!! im taking it day by day, cos i know i wont suddenly be able to change in a hot minute, but im trying and im making progress. more progress than i have in a while and thats thanks to some of the incredible people in my life, the people who havent forgotten me, havent given up on me and most of all, have pushed me when they didnt have to... And that includes you guys too! you have been such a fountain of support and help, without this i dont think i would be able to continue pushing through this fight without some serious gloomy moments!!! To all you guys....

THANKYOU! :-)

Now, enough with the mushster and onto..... CORNWALL!!

Ahh you guys it was sooo pretty :-) little boats bobbing about and the sandy beaches with kids waving buckets and spades and eating sandy sandwiches and warm squash in plastic cups... BLISS!!!

the beaches were gorgeous...

And I was lucky enough to be surrounded by lots of fun activities. Looking after 7 little kids means you need to make sure you can keep them entertained!!! We took the kids waterskiing, surfing, doughnutting... you name it, we did it!

AHEM, well admittedly, this is about as close as i got to being IN the water.... i stayed in the boat thankyou very much. Im a delicate rose and that English sea is COLD POTATOES i tell you!! Im ok with the fact that im NOT a jolly hockey sticks cold water lover, no siree! Gimme a warm cosy fire over a damp sandy wetsuit anyday :-p

I didnt however miss out on the Scenery, which was fantastic....

We took a trip to this beautiful secluded beach one day, where we had to walk across a cliff and down through the rocks to get to it... SO worth the effort!

This little (scrap that... HUGE) fella had plenty of fun....!!!

i missed my baby tho, she had to stay at home while i was away :-(

we found a STARFISH!!!!

went rock-climbing and rock-pool spotting....

And set up a KICK ASS picnic spot. rock for a chair?! dont mind if i do!

After getting snap happy with my arty shots, we actually PICKED some of these badboys and cooked them on a camping stove right on the beach!!!

They were TASTY GOOD! so fresh and so clean clean!!!

So, as you can imagine... it was a little bizarre coming back home to reality and realising that i am NOT in fact a world traveller/explorer person and i do in fact have a sensible job with responsibility and bills to pay. BOOOOO!!!!! still some excting news might be brewing on that front, so keep reading and ill keep you posted :-)

Hope you have all had an equally AMAZING summer break and here's to the FALL!!! cosy jumpers, warm tights and winter hats and coats. Not to mention no more fake tanning splodges and last minute leg-shaving panics!!! Hehe. bring it ON!!!