Back in Black :-p

Afternoon/Evenin y'alls.

It has been one KILLER of a day... which is not to be surprised it being the first day back at work after the school holidays. The kids are wired, the timetable is weird and usually the majority of the pupils are in the wrong room/building/school?! it DEF takes a few days to settle down (which is why we start on a thursday... see!? these two days dont matter and then on monday it starts FO REAL!) But today was a right corker! The first two hours were spent with my form, sorting timetables, checking schedules etc. FUN (or not, cos technically on my usual timetable i would have had a free for one of those hours... GRR) then cos i missed my free doing that, i had to roll STRAIGHT into a double juniors lesson, 2 hours with the wee littluns. while my senior peeps headed out for breaktime (oh how i longed to join them. but NO, i had work to do!!!) after that i had a snatched 20mins lunch, while doing my detention duty. i then registered my form and headed back to do another 2 hour lessons with the seniors. PHEW!!! now usually this would be a crazy nightmare. but i kindof appreciated it today. WHY? you ask?! well...... it all happened on monday.

Basically, i have finally opened up to my mum and asked her to help me more in my recovery. Well it was kindof a "have-to" situation, we had a big old fight on monday night and pretty much agreed that this situation wasnt working. nothing was changing... i havent been "gaining", myabe a bit here and there, but i hadnt made a commitment to gaining. i wasnt losing, i was just being. but then NOT being at the same time. GAH.

well anyway, after this fight - i felt like poo. i felt so alone and so scared... i knew i wasnt doing enough to warrant calling myself "in recovery" and ill be honest, i absolutely hate the hold ED still has on me. So i confessed all this and we decided, it was time to make a stand against anorexia!

Naturally, my mum didnt know how to respond. I said i couldnt do it alone anymore and if she wanted to help, we needed to do this properly... no excuses from me, no "i can do it MYSELF" selfish ED moments! us fighting together, as a team.

I called my therapist to see if i could see him that day (tues) and mum asked to come with me. i was nervous but ohmygod, it was the BEST thing. i opened up and mum spoke to and we had such a progressive session :-) Its scary and i have by no means cracked the recovery thing yet, but im trying and im feeling supported. i can TALK about how i feel. it helps....

So, phase one was to meet my MP each day and not obsessively power walk. Right. i can do that! roll on weds and im going into training at school. what do i do to cope with my anxiety?! i power walk the long way into school.... after PROMISING my mum that i would take the short route and take it easy. EPIC FAIL!!!! (i also missed my am snack as i had a meeting in the break) but, instead of sneakily thinking. wooooo ive tricked them. i confessed to my mum. ohmygod i cant tell you how good it felt to NOT let ED win. cos i wasnt tricking anyway but myself but skipping snacks and walking excessively. So after feeling muchos shitty. we agreed that clearly i could not control the walking thing. and so mum would now drive me INTO work everyday. i could walk home, but as long as it was a sensible walk with the dog and only 30mins max. holypanicohmygodimgonnafreakoutyaaaaaaaaa. yes. i was scared. but thank GOD i did it today, cos i was so busy i literally did NOT have a second to stress! even when i couldnt go out and get lunch like i normally would (with a little powerwalk around town) i COULDNT!!! and i survived!!! HA! take that anorexia. you nasty little beehatch. SO, im grateful for my horribly intense working day. yes. im weird like that. its given me one up on ED and so that makes me feel like ive achieved something! :-)

So normally, after all this madness, you'd think id be too tired to blog! but im feeling wordy for some reason... could it be that ive been gabbing away all day?! perhaps! but since ive been grossly over-using those "tell me one interesting thing about YOU" introduction Qn's (dontcha LOVE them.... "urr, i like music and hate brussels sprouts, please give me an A.....") hmmm. I thought i'd turn the tables and have a go at answering a few of these beauts myself! cos hey, who doesnt LOVE a good questionnaire?!

1. What’s a nickname only your family calls you? My dad used to call me stringbean, but other than that i didnt really have one....!

2. What’s a weird habit of yours? Weird habits.. hmm. When i get out of the shower i always have to dry behind my knees first! thats pretty strange right?!

3. Do you have any weird phobias? Not that i can think of! OH wait... i dont like walking over three drains!!! i was told it was bad luck once and it stuck. very annoying when your walking with someone and you have to do a crazy side-shuffle to get past the drain unnoticed!!

4. What’s a song you secretly love to blast and belt out when you’re alone? I will do this with pretty much any song that is sing-able to and i know the words...! especially love doing it when i take the dog out to the field and nobody else is around. singing at the top of your lungs in a wide open (public) space is tres refreshing!!!

5. What’s one of your biggest pet peeves? Urrhh i have SO many!!! im a big old grump i tell you! i hate slow walking people. people who talk too loudly. people who sniff but dont blow their nose. people who swear unnecesarily.... the list goes on!

6. What’s one of your nervous habits? I pick at my nails, i say "right" alot... (like it might help me think of what i need to do!)

7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Left side (nearest the door) on my side. I used to only like sleeping in beds that had their sides against the wall so i could see the whole room... scaredy cat!

8. What was your first stuffed animal and its name? First one was a duck, ironically called DUCK (it was my first word)

9. What’s the drink you always order at Starbucks? I never go to starbucks cos i dont like coffee... i dont even really like hot drinks! but when i have been, i get a peppermint tea :-)

10. What’s a beauty rule you preach, but never actually practice? I wouldnt preach a beauty rule i didnt practice, whats the point! i cleanse tone and moisturise religiously... i believe your skin is worth taking care of :-)

11. Which way do you face in the shower? HUH?!? i face the shower door (its a modern glass square cubey thing) i DO spin about in it tho, depending if im washing out or putting in shampoo...

12. Do you have any ‘weird’ body ‘skills’? nope and i cant think of any id particularly LIKE to have. im happy that i can get out of bed and go about my day... thats a skill in itself!

13. What’s your favorite comfort food that’s ‘bad’ but you love to eat it anyways? I wish i let myself indulge in "bad" comfort food... im getting there. i guess muffins or cookies? but i tend to go for the healthier ones anyway.

14. What’s a phrase or exclamation you always say? pretty much anything with "balls" at the end. amazeballs, awesomeballs, monkeyballs.... its like im possessed.

15. Time to sleep, what are you actually wearing? OOOH. i rock the tshirt and shorts combo. with bed socks when its cold... what can i say. im a granny :-p

16. What did you used to wear that you thought was cool but now you realize it wasn’t that hot? I do remember sporting a tight cropped tee that said "cute" on it. i think i also had a matching pink fluffy jumper i wore with it. this was not a great look. i wasnt even that cute.... ive learned my lesson!

Well thats its folks. ive run out of time cos i MUST go and get some prep ready for tomo's lessons. im a bad teacher.... just ask cameron diaz!

If you love a questionnaire as much as i do, then choose one (or more!) of the QNs from this one and let me know you're answers!