wobbles

I hate those little wobbles, y'know the ones... where you're teetering on the edge of control and lack of control. I think they drive me extra mad cos im normally such a rational person, but when i go through this wobble - all rational thought goes out the window and guess who steps into the mix.... yup. my stupid anorexic head.

This 'alternative' me doesnt like listening to reason, it doesnt like FACT or PROOF... Nah, it doesnt believe in 'em. it thinks there just lies, the only thing it does believes in, is ITSELF. So it tries to convince me that everything that i know deep down is true.... is actually false.

Basically. it sucks monkey balls!

oh yeah i went there. He's packin some monkey madness down there!!

And it happened this afternoon on the way back from work.

But first things first... As you might already know, i have asked my mum to drive me IN to work each morning so that i dont do my usual power-walk in. This is a good thing, i know. And for the record (and my sanity) here's why...

Firstly: it knocks off almost half hour of unnecessary exercise to my already busy day

Secondly: its nice not to have to worry about walking in when it is dark/cold/rainy as it is bound to be very soon! (i found that i was actually getting anxious about my walk in, cos i felt compelled to do it, yet i didnt really enjoy it)

Thirdly: It gives me more time to get ready and eat breakfast! no more crazy speed-inhaled cereal, i get to enjoy it abit more! even if i tend not to be hungry at that hour of the morning :-p

I repeat those things to myself, cos inevitably the silly anorexic head says that i am LAZY, i will be UNHEALTHY and of course, dun dun durrrrr, ten points for guessing the last one. OH yeah ill get.... FAT. (what a surprise, does someone need some new material much?!)

So its hard, oooooh yeah its hard. I have been trying to up my breakfast each day so that now im eating a good amount, but i tend to sometimes graze from the box after ive finished and am clearing away my dishes. I dont feel BAD about this, cos i like cereal! and i know my body needs it... what can i say, im a RATIONLISER!!! but my a-head pops up and makes me feel guity anyways, even tho half of me is proud. its like one side tells me one thing and the other says something else, but both feel "right"... does that sounds weird?!?! its hella confusing i tells ya!

but which one to belieeeeve?!?!?!

Anyway, so this morning i ate from the packet then got in the car and drove in. OK. i coped. but did i???? all the way there i was looking out the window and seeing people walking to work and thinking, "look at them, theyre HEALTHY, walking in the fresh air, getting a good walk in..." DAMN it hurt. i know i will think differently when the rain is pouring down and i see peoples umbrellas turning inside out! but right now, its pretty hard to deal :-(

BUT i will be strong! Luckily, i dont have much time to dwell cos as soon as i get to work its crazytown and i dont really think about it (good-good-good). But then lunchtime rolls around and i find i struggle with "empty time". I feel like if im not doing something, then im being lazy. like i SHOULD be doing something. So i walk into town and get my lunch and look in the shops and waste time.... "hello, my name is clemmy, and i... cant... sit... still..." GAAAH its annoying. why cant i just chill the f**k out?!

Ahh, i dunoooo. im glad ive cut the morning walk, i think it is a positive step for me cos walking has always been my go-to coping mechanism. I KNOW i need to learn to sit it out rather than running away from my anxieties. but i find that it means im left wanting to restrict and compensate for that lack of movement, even tho i know (rational me, hello again) that the walking i do doesn't burn THAT many calories anyway. Its more of a worry that if i DONT i will be unhealthy or something? i dunno.... anyone else get like that?

So i still walk home, with the poochums :-) cos that is the time that i genuinely enjoy walking. it lets me shut off from the teacher me and wind down after the day.... This helps me deal with the not walking in the morning, cos i know i am getting SOME activity, but today i left early and i had more time than usual.... so a-head pops up and says "you shud walk further". Oooohnoooyoudont! i saw it coming, and i was torn. half of me was saying, screw it... its a nice day. you can walk abit more, its not like you walked this morning. And the BAM. its like my head just fixated on the lack of walking and made me feel bad for it. i had to make that time up. i mean WTF?!?!?! thats just silly, it totally defeats the point!!! i was fighting so hard but then part of me DID want to go abit further cos its a nice afternoon and did i really just wanna go and sit inside at home? i was literally buzzing in my head with pro's vs cons.... sensible vs urge... and obviously, ED vs non ED.

I walked.

BUT i didnt go the "long route" that i wouldve taken. i walked abit further and then thought... "nah, the guilt isnt worth it. ED can screw it, ill walk when im healthy!" and took a shorter route. Granted i still went further than i should. and when i tell mum im sure she's gonna worry and maybe think i shouldnt have the afternoon walk either. But i think what this proved is that i made a decision. i struggled.... it was shitty. but i FOUGHT BACK. im good with that.

And at the time, all these ED thoughts about eating less for dinner/snack etc were flying about. but ive squashed them. part of me is still a little bit guilty that i walked further at all, but that was a choice i had to make. If im gonna get through this i need to be able to fight my corner.... and everytime i do, ill get stronger until the a-head is cowering in the corner!!!

So day one of the FULL week of no morning walking (last week was almost a tester cos i only started thurs) and come to think of it, i did quite alot of walking over the weekend. which is not great i know.... but maybe that is what triggered me to freak out today? i know that consistency is the key right now. so i need to keep things the same so that i dont end up comparing....

This is a problem that i intend to address with my eats aswell. I tend to save cals so then i feel i deserve a bigger dinner. But this means im not having enough during the day and i realise that thats WHY i want more at dinner! (vicious circle right?!) So i want to try and spread my meals & snacks out better over the day. i dont want to choose a safe lunch cos im too scared to have the higher cal one. I should be having a target amount to meet EACH day, so that i start trying different things.... then if i have a lesser lunch i will have to make it up with something extra aswell.

has anyone done this?

Any ideas or tips on how to do this would be great! :-)

So, targets for this week...

• continue to get lifts in and try to control walking at other times. (eg, lunchbreaks, walk home etc.)
• Try to increase to a more "set calorie amount", to stop me choosing the safe option every time.

Hopefully this will also allow me to incorporate some of my fear foods. cos im still very stuck in the mindset that if its a fear, i cant have it (even if it is the SAME calorific value! SILLY A-HEAD! you dont make sense at all!!!!)

Wish me luck peeps. Every day is a new opportunity to fight this thing. Some days will be harder than others, but im trying to rationalise (again!!!) that if im not finding it a challenge, then im not trying hard enough!!! progress takes determination :-)

Afer all, if life gives you lemons.....