epiphany and flowers

Merrrrrrrrrh, im tired!!!! I cant believe its sunday night, i feel like i need a weekend to recover from my weekend!

It sure has been a crazy one, not that ive done that much, but its been a rollercoaster of travelling and bopping about and seeing new things and realising stuff and being emotional and feeling euphoric and making plans and letting go and.... hmm, well... yeah.... it was kindof alot i guess.

HAHA!

So yeah, ive only just got home after a long journey back on the replacement rail coaches (seriously, rail works on a weekend BLOW, i had to take a total of 6 trains and 2 coaches to get to london and back this weekend! insane...) Anyhoo. It was a blast tho, it was good to spend time with the mumster without the usual stresses of life going on. We went to westfield shopping centre yest afternoon and altho she didnt arrive till an hour later than we planned, it was a good thing - cos i got to look around first before she arrived and inevitably started moaning about how busy it was and how she didnt want to be there too long (which was a total LIE, cos as soon as she got into the shops she liked, she was there for aaaaages!!!)

I didnt really buy much, cos the queues were mental... totally not worth spending an hour standing in line for something i could probs get in town at home. but it was fun to look and i DID get some cool "victorias secrets" pants. yupyup! im now a proper american chick with my fancy underwear! (its not really fancy, but even their cotton basics are super-cute, so im happy!) 

After that i got to check out the new london pad, which mum and the sis only just moved into... and i can safely say: it is SERIOUSLY nice! despite there being a mountain of all mums stock and crap everywhere, i can see that theyve lucked out and its alot nicer than the last place (and much easier to get to - no more schlepping up 3 flights of steep stone warehouse stairs!) plus its a proper house, so it has a homey feel to it... complete with little garden and everything!!! the pooch def approves :-) in fact, i could see myself living there too, perhaps in the future?! the area is so cool... its right in shoreditch so theres plenty of young hipsters about :-p id just have to make peace with the sis, otherwise we'd kill each other within a matter of days....

After getting the "tour", we went out for dinner to this lovely tapas place we like to go to... man the food is soooo good. I love everything on the menu and i filled my boots, literally!!! I got about 6 dishes whereas the mumster got about 3! hahaha, but its all part of the master plan, cos......

I had abit of an "epiphany" moment lastnight 

:-)

Im not gonna go into it right now, cos my heads still abit all over the place... i swear my moods are up and down like a freakin yoyo! but yeah... i feel a good vibe comin my way. could this be karma FINALLY giving me a break?!?! lets hope so!

So today the mumatron headed out super early for her fair and i walked the pooch (who has been poorly, cos people keep feeding her shit at the fairs and so she is getting stomach upsets... these stupid people, they dont realise that you shouldnt feed dogs chips and bits of cake and scraps, she has proper DOG food, leave her alone!!) In fact today when i went to the flower market, some stall holders were giving her chunks of their bacon butties while my back was turned... she obviously was eating it, shes a dog! and when i realised i flipped out. they got all arsey and said "urhh, she likes it!" and i was like "well i dont like cleaning up the sick that she keeps spewing cos people feed her HUMAN JUNKFOOD thats not suitable for dogs!!!!" i walked off, but i could hear them getting huffy about my outburst. but come ON, this is a poor little dog, of course she'll eat it... she doesnt know whats good for her! PHEW. yeah, after all that, i headed home... so who knows why im so tired! maybe my angst released alot of tension or something :p

Anyways, on a happy note! here are the pics i took at the flower market.... 

Its so gorgeous there and i love seeing all the fresh flowers, so i couldnt resist buying a little bunch to leave in the house for my lovely mama to come back to after her hard day at work :-)

Pretty no?!

Well, thats another weekend zipped by, now i have to go get myself sorted for whats gonna be one HELL of a busy week. Im not looking forwards to all the crap i have to do this week, but hey ho... It'll be over soon... And its only technically 5days till next weekend!

it didnt rain!

Howdy y'all...

its been another crazy week, shizz has been seriously going down at work. Of of the head honcho's in the management team walked out last week and they just announced to us that he will not be returning... This guy has been there for nearly 30 years and is a well-loved and respected member of staff. So you can imagine how shocked and upset everyone is. Its not been said WHY he has left, but we imagine he has been forced to resign. But why????? its so mysterious. we dont know if he DID something or even if it was something he DIDNT do?? i guess we'll never know. But it creates a massive sense of unease amongst the staff, the list of people who leave or are "pushed" into leaving over the past few years is growing in an alarming fashion. It makes everyone wonder who's next on the hit list, who can you trust and who's just out for themselves? Anyway, its makes for a very strange atmosphere at the mo....

LUCKILY, ive been very busy what with lessons and the trip, so have managed to avoid the "office gossiping", i dont like to talk about other people at work, cos i know how easy it is to say something in the moment, that can get misunderstood and land you in hot water.... plus its not nice to be on the other end of the gossip... dont get me wrong, i love gossip and knowing whats going on with people (heat magazine is a guilty pleasure of mine :-p) but i prefer to listen rather than give, know what i mean?!

So yeah, the trip was this week!!! Ahhh it was such a good day, we really lucked out :-) I wasnt holding much hope for the weather - especially since i got soaked on the way into work that morning. But after a couple of little rain-showers while we were driving there we were fine (ohmygod, that journey was HARD! we had to sit in what i have to say was the HOTTEST minibus ever for over an hour!!!) the guy literally had the heater on full power and there was condensation on the glass from all of our sweaty bods!! we asked him to turn it down and he basically ignored us... SO rude! but we got him back! When we came back to the minibus at lunchtime, he was fast asleep across the front seat so i might have allowed the year 11's to slam the door shut VERY loudly while pretending not to see him there. Hahahaha, that'll teach him to mess about with kids on a schooltrip!

But the actual day was fab, we had a tour in the morning with a lovely, old, slightly mad lady :p where we looked around Henry Moore's old house, his studios and workshops and walked around the various large scale sculptures in the park. 

After that we had lunch and then the kids were allowed to go back around and sketch/photograph the sculptures, while me and the head of art had a well-needed catch up sesh (ie: plenty of gossiping and maybe 5mins of "teacher talk") Then we headed back in the afternoon and even got to slip out of school early cos there was no traffic. RESULT!

We're going back again next friday with another group of pupils, im predicting second time around might be a little tedious, but im still not gonna complain about a day out of work! Perks of the job eh?

Speaking of which, another perk rolled in today.... we got given Ipads!!! The school have been trying to introduce this electronic registration thing for a while now and finally, things are starting to happen.... 10 staff members are getting ipads on monday to trial this new system. then - if it all works,  they'll give out the ipads to everyone. Cool hey?! Well since my art room is poorly neglected right at the top of the bulding and hasnt got a computer or interactive whiteboard in it, im one of the lucky candidates for the ipad. saweeeeet! i already have an ipad at home, so its not the MOST amazing thing ever, but still cool to have one at school... my form are already so excited, they want to download loads of apps and games for them to play in form-time :-)

SOOOO, other than this the week has been a somewhat damp, unevenetful one. Nothing much going on except work and a general feeling of tiredness. uhhh, im shattered! Im gonna have me a big long sleep tonight, cos tomo im heading upto london to see the mumatron and check out the new pad! YAY!! i havent seen the new place yet cos they only moved in a month or so back (when i was in america) and ive been chockablock with weekend plans since then. but since i didnt have much on this weekend and my sis is away doing Paris fashion week, i thought id make the effort and go keep mummydearest company. AND without my sister there, ill get an actual bed to sleep in!!! (not to mention alot less hassle and grief off of her) So off i go :-) I even asked the mothership if she fancied maaaaaybe going to westfield in stratford tomo afternoon, so we'll see how nice she's feeling!! ive been wanting to go for ages, but no time/no money/no body confidence/no care meant that it wasnt much of a go-er. well im in a better place now, i know i still dont fit the clothes i want to wear yet but im not so afraid of doing nice things for myself anymore, so WOOPWOOP. i might treat myself a little (within reason... im on a strict budget at the mo, i HATE being broke as a poke... but needs must and i wanna upgrade to the iphone 5 soon, which isnt cheap so i better take it easy!)

ANYHOO, thats my week in a nutshell. I hope you've had a good'un and ill let you know what my weekend shapes up like when i get home on sunday....

Take it easy breezy

:-)

pffft?

*sheepishly waves*

soooooo, if i told you the big-feisty rant was over, would you come back and be my friend again?! hehe... im feeling better today :-)

But sometimes you've gotta just get it out, yknow?! i swear it must be something to do with recovery, cos my emotions are crazytown sometimes! like ill be fine one minute and then crying the next. seriously... whats with that?!

Has anyone else experienced the big ol' mood swing thing? It cant just be me... Cis its not even period week!!! (which mum did ask, by the way) i was like. dammit, NO! cant i just be emotional sometimes?! :-p hahaha.

Anyways. Its all good now... we had our rant-out yest (after which i may or may not have been somewhat childish and just stormed upto my room for some space. yes, thats right! im claiming the right to be a moody teenager all over again.... and i LOVES it :-) But it was ok, cos when i came down to make dinner (luckily my freakouts no longer make me want to restrict food. wahey!) she gave me a hug and we were buds again. Fine... but its always abit late, i mean couldnt she have just done that to start with and we cud have avoided all the aggro?! Meh.. im hard to please! i know that :-p

So today i headed home, all set to have a big HELLOOOO and when i opened the door.... she wasnt even there!! So i was gonna call her up and do it instead, when i was distracted by the yummers-looking ratatouille that she had left on the oven top from her lunch. Mmmmm... Damn that stuff is the SHIZZ i tells ya. she left some out a couple of weeks ago too and i ate the lot, so what did i do today? i ate the lot AGAIN. (it wasnt as good as the first lot tho, but still worth gobbling!) 

And you know what. Im proud that i ate it, it was spontaneous and delicious and FREE. and it felt good cos it was just what my tastebuds fancied, i didnt want to listen to "routine" and wait to have my tea-time snack instead. Nah, i didnt fancy sweet at that time... i wanted oily, gooey, melty ratatouille instead! and that felt awesome... it felt empowering. i ran with my hunger and i gave my body what it wanted. yay me. uh-huh uh-huh.

SO, back in the spirit of empowerment i got my ass in gear and FINALLY booked my haircut!!! i had this voucher thing which got me a complimentary colour sesh with my haircut and ive been meaning to find the time to fit it in. but being busy and complacent and a bigs old hair-procastinator, i never "got round" to it. Sooo after many "ring up, book"... wait. "ring up, change" then "ring up cancel" THEN ring up again... (i swear if they dont dye my hair green for being so annoying on the phone, ill be very lucky) i finally got something down. aaaaand im going after work on thurs.... 

YEEEEEEE!

Now i just have to find a pic to take with me (yes i am that girl...) there's no way im gonna risk having all my hair lopped off a la miley cyrus (not that the girl doesnt look good, i actually like what she did... break free from the norm eh?! but she can rock a side-cut waaaay better than i ever could... and can you imagine the kids faces if i rolled up in the morning with that do?! too FUNNNY) 

But i cant spend all my time browsing hairstyles, cos tomo im off on a GCSE year 11 art trip to the henry moore foundation :-) which shud be super fun (as long as it doesnt rain!) i will be taking my camera-ra along for the ride, so look forwards to a seriously sculptural post in the next coupla days. Just consider it a blog-ducation. cos i AM a teacher after all :-p

HA!

check ya later sweet potater

x

one of "those" days

Do you ever feel like even though you might have done a gazillion "good" things, something bad can come and shatter everything in an instant??

I just had that instant....

The mumatron got home today after another 5days away. and even tho i DO like her coming home, it throws me.... i get abit anxious and panicky just cos ive got used to being in the house on my own. But instead of being all excited and happy, i get weird and moody and want to get control back....

and she JUST....

....DOESNT...

....GET IT.

:-(

It nearly always ends in an argument, or at least a disagreement, where i freakout and cry cos i feel like a piece of useless worthless crap, then i feel bad for wallowing in self-pity and i start to feel like ive let her down, which then leads to more sort of apologising and feeling shitty, which she ignores therefore making me think that actually, she doesnt care and maybe she's letting ME down. 

i just want to know WHY doesnt she understand? WHY cant i talk to her? Whats stopping her from being part of this anti-ED "team"?

Honestly... she makes me feel like such a burden, i try to explain how i feel and she starts doing something else, literally ANYTHING else... when i say that its important to me to talk about it, she says "all we ever DO is talk about it..."

URGH.

am i being incredibly selfish?

am i just totally blinded by my own self-obsession?

i know i THINK about it 24/7, but does that mean i talk about it 24/7 too...? i didnt think so, but maybe im mistaken. I guess possibly cos i run around doing my job and seeing friends and trying to distract myself from the shit thats buzzing round my head nearly ALL the time, that when i do have someone i think i can talk to (cos if you can talk to your mum, who can you talk to?!) then i spill my load?!?! 

GAH! i know shes not great for talking about "feelings" but i havent found anyone else who i CAN talk to... believe me, if i did, i woulndt be talking to the mumatron, she aint all that helpful!!!

Its just so frustrating sometimes, cos i know im a fully grown adult and should therefore be able to deal with this stuff by myself, but its not that easy, yknow.... its so freaking ISOLATING. i dont want much, i just want someome to talk to about it, to make me feel less alone, less like a monster, less like a hassle....

I just wanna feel more like ME.

(funny) surprises

Ok, so they boy texted me on Thursday to tell me that he was sending me a package and that it would arrive in the next few days, so to watch out for it...

I was curious. 

WHO wouldnt be?!?

But it was more the tone of his text that befuddled me the most, it was soooo mysterious. no jokey banter, no nothing. Hmm... I know things have been a little "quiet" with us lately, mainly cos i have been SO busy with work and trying to impose my new "hang out and have fun whenever the opportunity presents itself" rule.... but i was pretty off with him the other weekend, not unfairly i dont think, but he was banging on with the gloom and doom stuff and then flipped 180 after he left, texting me and saying we shud get together properly! i was like, after a weekend of you talking about how shit life is??? Umm, no ta!!! 

im on the upp baby, i dont want anyone dragging me back down :-p

So i left the convo at that, i didnt have much time to chat anyways... we texted properly the next day and it was business as usual, jokes, banter, smiles and the like... so i figured nothing of it and forgot about the "parcel"

Until yesterday morning that is! Yup, the mystery parcel arrived. WOOPWOOP, right?! Hmm, would be... except that it rocked up (requiring a signature) at 8AM, which on a weekday would be fine and dandy, id be already halfway out the door to work, but on a saturday???? i think NOT. weekend mornings are my sleepy-time! i like to enjoy the post-wakeup dreamy warmth of my cosy double bed and even when i DO wakeup fully, i still spend a good half hour to an hour just lying flat out on my back, arms and legs spread across my bed like a giant starfish! and just  LAAAAAZE. I might be thinking about stuff or just letting my mind wander to nothingness... but its my ultimate lazy-time. probs one of the few times i DO allow myself to laze. Oh and now that i dont have to jump out of bed and do those compulsive "stretches" i used to force myself to do everyday (twice a week at most y'all. woopwoop!) So i can enjoy my morning lazy-time even more!!!

Ok i lost the point again didnt i?! Yeah, so the postie knocked. i sighed and groaned and eventually realised that the door wouldnt answer itself.... (wouldnt that be a cool invention?!) So i dragged myself to the door in full pajama-sleep-grumpface, signed for the damn thing and dumped it on the chair by the door before swiftly returning to bed. Ahhhhhhh :-)

Later on, when my fave polish builder/plumber/general jack of all trades came round to try and fix the shower (three days of cold showers makes clem an unhappy and not very clean girl!!!) i remembered that it was there. So i opened it up.... and found THIS!!!

Now understandably, Polish builder was abit shocked and since he doesnt speak much english, i had to rely on his facial expressions to tell me what he thought was in the box... and lets just say: they didnt disappoint!!!

So despite mister-polish having met the boy once already, he was clearly now thinking that the nice boy that he had met previously had now flipped out, murdered something and then hacked it up and posted it to me in a sealed special delivery box... Bahahaha!!! I knew that surely this wouldnt be the case! I mean... he's funny and abit quirky, but he's no murdering WEIRDO!!! So as i tentatively lifted the bag to take a better look, i saw that inside was in fact.....

FRESH BLACKBERRIES!!!!!

Awwww, the ever-thoughtful boy had remembered that blackberry season is one of my fave times of year cos you can go out into the countryside and pick an abundance of fresh, sweet berries for FREE!!! He happens to live in an especially fruitful area and so, bless him... he sent me the first crop-load! (if you've been reading my blog a while, you'll remember that he also once picked a bucket load and brought them all the way here on the train for me... literally in a BUCKET!!!) 

Gah, that boy is such a sweetheart. If only i fancied the pants off him, life would be perfect.... Dagnabbit

So yeah. an interesting delivery! The girls had a right old chuckle when i showed them the pics later that eve. hehe... 

Have you ever had something like this happen to you?!? I dunno, maybe its cos there are so many horror films around these days, we almost expect the scary-freaky-weird stuff to happen to us. In actual fact, life is often alot more harmless than we let our over-active imaginations believe!

Hope you all had a good weekend... 

back to the usual Monday Madness tomo!

chicken thursday :-)

Guess where I went lastnight?!?!

NANDOOOOOOS!!!!

Oh yeah people! i had me some CHICKEN yo!!! hahahaha :-)

Basically, when me and my 2 work girlies were sat in the park last weekend, planning how we could budget our way through the week till payday this weekend, we decided that since we'd be having to scrimp and save all week, we deserved to have a blowout on our last night of penny-pinching. So we all planned to save £10 so we could go out for a meal on the coming thursday night (lastnight).... which was the night before payday and the night now to be known only as: "chicken thursday" :-p

So yesterday morning, we compared wallet contents and decided that, yipyip... we were ON! (despite me almost bailing due to a plumbing emergency... more on that later!) ph and a consequential mini-freakout that almost had me running back to my "safe" routine - is it me, or does anyone else get super anxious when things go wrong, even if they have no relevance to anything else... but then take it out on whatever food situation arises?! i mean what does my dodgy shower going wrong have to do with being allowed to go out for a nice meal with friends?!?! Haha, lucky i rationalised that one smartish! (yes... damn you anorexia with all your silly little "terms and conditions")

Anyways, all that aside... we DID go! I was feeling abit nervy about it, cos i didnt know what id be able to eat and what the other two would have. and would they think i was weird for being scared of eating certain foods? would it show? would they go "oh look, the skinny girl is ordering a salad, what a surprise..."?? it was a stress and my head wasnt too happy.

Buuuut, it was fine! i did feel abit silly and left out, cos they ordered up two normal chicken meals with chips and garlic bread/coleslaw as their sides, covered in lashings of sauce and mayo and washed down with a glass of wine. whereas I had a chicken salad with a side of corn on the cob. It was pretty damn obvious why i was the one with a bony ass scrawn-bod :-(

GAH! i wish i could order whatever i liked, but im still not there yet... i cant allow myself that freedom. I long for that moment that i read people in recovery have, where they suddenly realise that they can eat whatever they want, and go for gold! I know that if i could get my calories up to a decent amount, i could allow myself to be less rigid and have more fun with food... but i still worry about calories and health and all that anorexi/orthorexic stuff. I cant just eat for pleasure unless i feel ive earnt it somehow. I know all that stuff in my head is lies... that it really doesnt matter if i just go for it, as a person who is trying to gain weight i SHUD just go for it. but i cant let go of the control... i dont want to eat crap, but i dont want to not be able to eat crap if i felt the urge... does that make any sense?! i dunno, the idea of a whole meal coming to nearly 1000cals without then even having dessert?! whoa, its just too big of a head-fizz for me.... even tho i could easily eat that much, i dont feel comfortable with it. its fine for them, but i just feel like for me, its not okay. Cos i feel like surely you cant be allowed to eat that much? i cant understand how they dont just balloon into massive blimps, which they dont! they stay as they are. I just dont trust food, ive forgotton how to eat. it scares me... but then they eat all that and theyre fine, so why cant i be?? i know they would both have had breakfast and lunch and snacks already AND one of them was saying she had some ice-cream in her freezer for when she got home but it baffles me... i mean how do they DO that? how do they just EAT and not stress or EAT and not change shape.... i think my brain believes that eating like that would result in weight gain, like SUDDE weight gain. and i cant help but be scared, i do like change, especially SUDDEN change.... so i try to change things tiny bit by tiny bit, which does jack-shit and i end up with more mental headaches than if id just gone "sod it" and jumped right into the high cal mealplan i know i should be on. Urgh, it makes me insanely jealous that they dont have this stupid malfunction in their heads! i really would give anything to feel that nonplussed about eating, but i just cant seem to do it without feeling guilt or compensating afterwards. but then again, i suppose ive never really given it a shot have i? ive always given in to the anorexia. Well, maybe thats my problem.....

Anyways, less down-beating... cos we had a really nice time! It was still a school night, so we just had our meals and chatted and then walked home. but it was just good to do something different. Even tho part of me doesnt like the change, i get unsettled cos i cant have my normal routine. but my normal routine is BORING! ok, not boring... i do like it! but its for everyday. its not like i cant do it whenever i want to... whereas given the chance to hang out with friends and you should take it... cos you can hang out by yourself anytime, but you cant see friends whenever you like! 

If there's one thing ive learnt from my years of being ill... its that you really have to MAKE the effort if you want to get anything back. if you bail on your friends again and again, they'll stop asking you to things... its only fair. why should they put themselves out there time and time again for no return?!

But im determined to get my friends and my social life back on track. i used to be little miss social butterfly before i got ill with M.E, so i see no excuse to hide behind this horrible eating disorder any longer than i have to... it took advantage of the fact that being ill made me to weak to fight the anorexia, but not anymore. i may still have my fair share of habits and fears, im still way too underweight and i dont feel happy with how i look and id love to be bigger. But that takes time, theres one thing i WONT compromise on tho, and that is that i am going to get better. That folks, is set in stone. It may take me months or even years... but i wont quit. im never giving up on the chance to be me again. and neither should you!!

playing with my friends adorable new kitten

Im still me inside & with time i will be my true self again

so FIGHT for what you believe in... and believe that you are worth the FIGHT

:-)

vroooooom

Afternoon funsters....

Ive just been down to see my friend and the motorbike shop to talk about possibly getting a second hand moped (again!) I told the mumatron earlier that i know that walking to and from work is still a hindrance to my recovery, so i would like to have the option to drive in when the weather gets bad. i know the anorexia will scream blue murder... and ill be bummed cos i DO like to walk. But this way, if i can get this sedentary thing down and make it last over the winter, then i can resume some walking when it gets nice again in the spring :-)

Ahh, cos I tried hard this summer, really i did! and i think i did make good progress, but its not particularly visible progress. In other words, im still too thin. ALOT too thin :-( I cant deny it, i still hate the way i look, i know people look at me and gawp... it makes me feel paranoid and i envy the girls i see walking around with normal sized bodies, wearing whatever they like. Sure they might have their fair share of body insecurities, but you know what... i bet they dont feel HALF as shitty as i do. I feel jealous that they can manage to have a normal attitude to life, whereas i cant... i feel like i dont deserve it. and what annoys me the most, is that i cant see past my fears to the fact that maybe, just maybe all it would take for me to be like that, to be normal again, would be to bite the bullet and do the things that scare me the most. feeling uncomfortable and out of control.... eating and being sedentary. Standing up to the anorexia and ignoring the "but i wont be healthy" voice. oh god. its worse than finding a spider on your face in the middle of the night (random i know, but this very nearly happened to me last night!!!)

i keep telling myself that the things that are hard and feel the scariest are actuallythe things that are the most worthwhile and will bring me the most reward. if only i could keep that mantra going in my head when the other side of my brain starts freaking out about not being "healthy" if i stop walking or try to eat more. mental earplugs anyone?! Surely thats one for dragons den!!!

But this is the time to give that bullet a little nibble. Cos summer is over, we are fast approaching autumn and we all know that is by far the best time of year to gain weight: you can avoid being outside in the cold, sitting inside in the warmth instead without guilt about not exercising or being active and eat lots of warming comforting foods, without having to see bikini bodies all over magazines and people in the park wearing next to nothing. Winter is about wrapping up in cosy clothes, and what better excuse to disguise a potentially triggering bloated recovery belly :-p

So i am really trying hard to suck up the fear and just go with it. I wont lie, i am finding it very hard, especially when eating more is making me want to walk more. I feel bad, i feel full and want relief. but i know i wont find it in the form of powerwalking around like a madwoman. I already walk too much and i know that adding more, even on a one-off occasion, is only going to make cutting back harder in the long run. I need to accept that although i like walking and it is a form of release for me... it still has anorexia written al over it. cos when i ant that release, i want to FEEL it... so its NOT a gentle amble but a paced, drive. which is not good and i must find that release elsewhere. walking can and will still be there for me when im healthy. 

Anyways, all in a days work right?! I swear, this recovery stuff takes up so much of my waking brainspace (or even non-waking... i often dream about anorexia and recovery. i literally cannot escape!) I really look forwards to a future where my life doesnt revolve around food and exercise and recovery.

Saying that tho, i have noticed that i since coming back from America and leaving the unit, i am much less concerned with tallying up calories and worrying about how much i eat. Of course i still find it hard to deal with the physical side of it... feeling full, feeling bloated, feeling like im eating too much. and i AM still aware of calories (i still want to go for the lesser cal option, when i can) but i dont worry about adding up everything and wondering what my "quota" shud be. I found a little note in one of my teaching files from last year, where id obviously been tallying up my intake (during a lesson... naughty me!) but i shuddered as i remembered how i used to think about how nice itd be to actually eat that golden 2500 cals.... tallying up my eats and overestimating them to convince myself i was eating more than i was and therefore didnt need to increase. Sooo stupid. i know im still along way from reaching that target intake, but i dont obsess over adding up numbers anymore. when im hungry i WILL eat. but thats not to say i wont feel shitty afterwards!!! (but im sure, with time, i can get over that.... it just takes a concerted effort and a will to change)

So there you go. A little catchup for ya! This week is rattling along nicely. I havent had any "gaaah" days yet, despite having had my two worst days, losing my afterwork free-time for a satff meeting and a meeting with a worried parent, oh not to mention having my free's taken for cover today! Somehow, these little trivialities dont bug me as much anymore. i used to get soooo stressed if things went out of plan and my routine was disrupted, but now its ok... it can actually be quite exciting! 

Shit Happens. But the world continues to function.

and that, my friends... is life!!!

:-)

weekend roundup

Hey folks... 

Another weekend has flown by and again, im pleasantly surprised that its gone by in a haze of fun "doing" things, rather than a rush of trying to fill the time till i can eat and waiting for the day to be over so i can get back to the safer weekday routine... being busy and therefore not thinking about food or exercise constantly.

A good start, no?!

So on friday night, me and my work girlies went over the road to the pub for a quick wind-down drink again.... i really like doing this, cos it means that i STOP. i dont immediately powerwalk home and start over-thinking things. i do still walk home, but its much less compulsive after sitting for abit... Instead we go and chat and chill out and it really puts me in a good mood! we dont stay that late (or drink that much!) but it just gives me a breather from finishing the week and starting the panic i get about weekends and having 'empty' time. It starts me off in good stead and i dunno, i sort of feel more confident about things. Plus the two main girls that ive started hanging out with are a little younger than me, but super confident and with absolutely NO issues with food! YAY! So in turn, they make me feel less paranoid about what is "normal". Cos they will quite happily indulge in takeaways or munch sweets or choc if they fancy it and drink full-fat drinks, instead of choosing the "diet" option... Its refreshing and it makes me feel like i want to try and get back to that 'being comfortable with food' stage again too... I used to be just like that, so surely i can be again?! Just maybe with a slightly better educated palate!!! (i doubt id go right back to my prawn cocktail crisp and dominos pizza days... cos these days i do love me some fruit & veg, but everything in moderation right?!) 

Whats cool is that we are all very different, both in looks, personality and interests. Im pretty sure that if we didnt work together, we probs wouldnt be friends! but thats why its so nice that we DO... cos there's no extra pressure... we get on, we have a laugh and we dont have to pretend to be anything we're not! we're just three girls chatting shit about clothes and boys and work and silly stuff. Its feels easy and my GOD do i need some more of that in my life!!

It helps that they are totes fine around food too... They eat what they want, when they want it... unlike me and my scaredy-cat mealplan attempts :-(  They are REAL, and that inspires me to be real too.

One of them is quite a curvy girl, but embraces it (all boobs and bum, y'know!) The other is pretty in a girl next door kinda way, with what id say most mens ideal figure... slim, with a big bust! She has put on abit of weight since she started teaching (as alot of people do) but she is totally proportionate, which really helps to calm my ED driven fears that if i were to gain weight, id just balloon into a massive wobbly-bellied blob! it just doesnt work like that... yes, she looks bigger but only slightly (i doubt even SHE notices! but thats anorexia for you... you become hyper aware) and anyway, any weight she has gained is all over, she still looks toned and has a flat stomach... it hasnt all gone to one place and she doesnt look unhealthy. which i imagine is what will happen to me (as long as the redistribution doesnt bitch on me too much!!) ill still be me, just bigger... (and therefore BETTER!!!! haha)

We met up again yesterday, cos we all needed to pick up some stuff in town and it was sunny so we arranged to meet up and chill in the park for abit... And I have to say that as i walked through town with them, i really felt like the odd one out. As i caught glimpses of us in the shop windows, i saw two confident normal looking girls and one sickly looking young child. It wasnt nice. and it upset me cos im the older one!!! Plus we hadnt realised itd be quite so war, so i felt silly wearing a long sleeved top (which i always wear, to cover my horrible stick arms) whereas they could just take their jumpers off and just wear their little tops... it made me realise how much i still have to gain. I may be moving forwards mentally, but its not enough to warrant much change on the physical side. Id MUCH prefer to be able to take off my jumper cos its hot and have amybe a little stomach roll (which they BOTH had!) rather than sit in full clothes cos i cant take off my stupid long sleeved top. GAAAH!!! This is always my downfall... i want to gain weight, but it wont happen unless i make SIGNIFICANT changes. like eat a hell of alot, not just piddly increases. I dont know why i cant just EAT. yes it hurts and it feels scary and wrong and my ED screams at me and my digestion kicks up a fuss and makes me feel shitty... but all of that, its not gonna kill me. staying underweight however, COULD. so that shud be scarier, right? but weirdly its not, the scary part is trying to make the leap and not believe the lies that i have come to see as fact about becoming FAT or UNHEALTHY or losing CONTROL.... ive been like this for so long, i cant remember what its like to think normally around food. I think back to how i ate before, but it seems unreal. like a dream or something. I dunno...

Anyways, after leaving them i headed off to my friends engagement party. Again i was feeling some body-issues... i hate feeling like the scrawny anorexic looking girl. its not what i want to look like, i hate how thin i am. but i dont know how to break free of it... it just feels safer than facing up to the unknown, im scared of what change might bring.... But i want it nonetheless. So change is what i must do... I dressed up and went to the party and im proud to say that i made sure i had dinner first, which i usually would just skip. POINT to me :-)

It was a good night, lots of people, lots of catching up, lots of fun! Its the first time we've all been together since i got back from america, so there was lots of excited chatter and storytelling, which was nice... 

Uhh, so after a late night and a stupidly early morning wakeup call, courtesy of the neighbours screaming kid (seriously, weekends are meant to be my child-FREE time!!!) I have had a chilled day. doing laundry, getting the food shop in then walking into town to get the mumatrons fancy shampoo (while looking like a total hobo with my hair piled up on my head and big sunglasses on even thos its not sunny... mary-kate olson eat your heart out!) then i had a nice (slower) walk back through the park.

Cos i realised something. Me powerwalking about everywhere cos my head tells me thats what i need to do to be "healthy", is totally mad! Not only do i look like a fruitloop who desperately needs a wee, but it makes no difference to calories. All the while my anorexia liked me to push it to the max so i felt tired and as if id "earned" something. well walking the same distance but slower, is exactly the same. So yah booooo to anorexia. ill be walking like a snoozing snail from now on :-) 

Hope you had a fun weekend and in response to my last post about fearing jeans, i had to post these words of wisdom from laura, a girl with more flowerpower than she gives herself credit for!

I am enjoying the birdie skirt and would just like to say

WEAR THE DAMN JEANS

By not wearing them, you are wasting money and the chance to look extra fabulous ;)

Wear them. Let them fall apart. Buy the next perfect pair.

That is how clothes shopping works...embrace it :)

xxx 

*thankyou*

progress

Ok so ive been doing well with the "wear more of my nice clothes" challenge... 

todays outfit: check the birdie skirt!!!

BUT today i realised ive come across a snag. Now I dont know if this is a "dont deserve nice things" issue or an anorexic issue (or maybe both, theyre probably co-related, right?!) but i have a weird fear....

Im afraid of wearing jeans!

Now this isnt a sort of "im afraid cos they are too snug" fear or something. cos i actually WANT them to fit snugly (altho i dont really like the way the highlight my lack of booty, but thats another whine for another day :p)

Its hard to describe, but if i try to pin the feeling down, i suppose i worry that if i wear them, then they will become loose and wont fit nicely. Does that make sense?!?! I sort of worry that they will get all out of shape and then ill have to wash them, but if i wash them they will loose their new-ness and the colour will fade and they wont ever look as nice as when they are "box-fresh".

Even as i type this im thinking to myself, clembot... you are SUCH a dork. But its for reals!!! i have this belief where its like if im going to wear them, then they need to earn their wear. So i should only wear them for occasions where they wont get ruined or i wont have to sit down or bend or stretch them out of shape, which again is just riDONKulous, cos jeans are for wearing! and since they are stretchy jeans for gods sake they even have stretch IN them!! ohmygod i am such a weirdo! :p

Ok, so heres the lowdown. I have this really nice pair of dark green stretchy jegging type jeans that i got in abercrombie and fitch when i was in america. They fit really well (if i say so myself!!) they dont make my arse look like a flat pancake and they fit my legs snug-ly but arent too tight around the waist. To break it down for you... basically, me likey.

BUT, the consequence of this, is that i wont allow myself to wear them... cos i think i will somehow tarnish them. (Same old ramble here im afraid...) but the annoying thing is that these jeans would be PERFECT to wear to work, cos they are smart, tailored and not actual denim. But oh noooo, gubbins here feels bad about wearing "nice" things to work. GAAAAH!!! its like i feel good in them, but i also feel bad at the same time. I WANT to wear them, but i cant. It annoys me, cos lets face it... i might aswell get the most out of them... im at work 5days out of 7, so why shouldnt i use this as a chance to get the nice stuff out. Its not like popping to the shops on a sunday morning in your trackies... people WILL see them. They will get appreciated by a gazillion secondary-school age pupils who, since they have to wear the same dull uniform everyday, im SURE notice what the staff wear! So why cant i let myself look nice??? Is it cos i dont feel like i deserve it??? 

Maybe if i had an office job, or something where i didnt move about so much, i wouldnt be so concerned. If i drove to work and didnt face the weather! (or the long walk :-s) but then i know the other side of me would hate that i couldnt be moving about... id worry that i shud be active. but then thats just another facet of my disorder isnt it? the need to be busy in an "active" form. I know im active in my job, but im active on TOP of that, which really isnt helping my mentality about exercise OR my continuous battle to gain back some much needed weight... I know i shouldnt be walking to school and back, i came back with such optimism that i wouldnt do any unnessecary walking, but even tho im not "adding on" yet... im still doing more than i was over the holidays. Which isnt making me happy. I havent really made steps to cut back either, even tho i am aware that im doing more that i was and definitly more than would be recommended for someone of my low BMI (hell, some people wouldnt even say i should be working, let alone walking) I have still been taking the same route to work and back (30mins each way, at a brisk pace) partly cos the weather was nice and in that first week back we didnt have to be in that early... but now its back to normal, im still doing the same. Except i have to get up earlier and its colder. so even tho i enjoyed it before, im starting to not enjoy it so much... but unfortunatly im back in the habit and its very hard to change that. Sadly its not even just this, cos i usually pop into town in my break too, im not RIGID with the amount i do in town, just getting some lunch and browsing the shops, but it just happens that most of the time if i go to the same shops, i end up doing the same loop around town and then back to work (probs again about 30mins, slower pace) which adds on, giving me a total ACTUAL walk time of 1 and a 1/2 hours, not including the bobbing about i do at work, going up and down stairs carrying books, general teaching effort! ohhh dear, does this mean im back in that stupid 30mins weird rut routine?? does it mean im AGAIN jeapordising my recovery with this kindof quasi-recovery thing everyone talks about. (probs not cos even tho i eat when im hungry, im probs not eating enough, to compensate.. so. i guess its just plain old, your not recovering yet ladyface. nice try) NOOOO i cant believe it... i was so determined NOT to get back into this and it would appear that ive unknowingly slipped into it again. Its hard to spot, cos it really doesnt feel like that much when im out and about... but then if i think about it. i DO get home and feel exhausted, that shud be a clear sign should it. Urh, i just thought that cos i am busy at work anyways, that was it. But really, i should count that as a reason why so i shouldnt be adding more onto that. Argh, BUMFLAPS. 

ok, so im gonna need your help please! i need to get on this now, so it doesnt get to be an issue. I dont feel as compelled as i did before the holidays, so hopefully there's still time to nip this beehatch in the bud before i feel completely overwhelmed and powerless. (which is NOT an option) 

So I guess first things first, i need to cut back to only walking ONE way. I usually walk the scenic route cos its nicer and i guess thats why i didnt see it as a problem... but the reason i flagged this up tonight, is cos i kinda wanted to walk back through town this afternoon and i didnt. cos i thought id get a "better walk" if i went my usual way. Clearly a red warning sign right there... so. i need a plan. 

Tomo is friday, so we're all going to the pub after work :-) This is quite useful, cos it means that ill be occupied and distracted and wont have a load of empty time after work. So after the pub, i will walk the quick way back home through TOWN, instead of the long scenic route. If i feel shit about that, well then that just means its working. i need to be strong on this....

Do you ever find yourself slipping into old habits without realising that its happening??? I was so determined to be ON this one, i guess cos ive been so busy thinking about trying to get out more and have fun and do all these new exciting things that I HAVE been doing, i didnt notice that i was reverting to some of my old coping techniques... whenever im busy or stressed, i walk to clear my head. which is GOOD for the unwinding, but BAD for the weight gain aim!

(note to self: must find other ways of clearing head....)

Im not gonna beat myself up about this, cos i really feel like i AM making some really good progress. I eat when im hungry even when ive had alot. I ignore the guilt and listen to my hunger. AND im making new friends, getting out and about again and being more comfortable in my own skin.

SO, its not a bad day, its just a day of realisations. a day where i notice i need to keep check on the other parts of my life. This will always be a part of me, but i will learn to juggle all the balls till im so good i get offered a job in the circus :-)

If anything, im always optimistic!!!

tuesday? whoseday?

Sadly today the weather took a turn for the cold-some, in fact when i looked out of the window this morning i was greeted by a cold, damp sight. the dreaded RAAAAAAIN!!! 

Luckily it had stopped, but i went to work armed with my trusty brolly, just in case! If you live in the UK, you'll know that between the months of september and may you pretty much ALWAYS have to carry an umbrella (so that leaves a paltry 3months MAX that you are safe... but even then, you never know!)

Ok ill just say now... I know i blab on about the weather alot, im sorry! its not very interesting is it?!? I guess my days always kindof start off with thinking of the weather, it helps me figure out what to wear etc. and thats important... cos im trying really hard to make a concerted effort with my clothes lately.

cos i have a confession to make... 

im kindof silly when it comes to clothes.

I have a wardrobe JAM-freaking-PACKED with gorgeous clothes... vintage one-offs that the mothership has found for me, classic pieces that ive picked up here and there, dresses GALORE (i love me a dress :-p) just generally some damn fine pieces of clothery.

But despite having unbridled access to all these lovely things, for some unknown and highly irritating reason, i can never bring myself to wear them. Granted, i have clothes that dont fit me at the moment, clothes from before i got sick that i keep for when i fit them again... but i also have clothes that ive bought for "when im better" but then have never worn cos i havent gained enough weight (physically) to fit them... which as you can imagine, is VERY annoying (not to mention makes me feel guilty as hell, cos i could wear them if i just put on some goddam weight :-s) 

But thats not the only reason... Cos I also have nice things that i do want to wear but dont let myself. I suffer from this weird guilt complex which means i dont think im "good enough" to wear or have nice things... I feel like i will tarnish them or they will get dirty or ruined or something bad will happen and i will muck them up. 

Sounds crazy right??? Does anyone else suffer from this??? Cos im mean they are JUST CLOTHES!!! I know in my mind they can be washed if they get dirty, they can be repaired if they rip (my mum fixes damaged vintage pieces from the 1920's for gods sake, im sure she could patch up a topshop dress if needs be!!!) They are not so fragile that they need to be kept in a glass container... but yet i STILL don tallow myself to wear the nicer things, i chose instead to wear "old favourites" that i dont mind what happens to them. Part of me says this IS sensible, cos as a teacher, my clothes are subject to a fair amount of wear and tear. but still... there's no reason to have all theses lovely things that i dont wear. its not practical and its a waste of money! (especially since i cant quite stop myself from continuing to buy clothes when i see them!)

So operation "WEAR YOUR WARDROBE" has been in session for a few weeks now. When i was in America, i realised that possesions are not to be put on a pedestal. if you have something nice, USE IT! WEAR IT! possesions are there to be appreciated, by you and by others... they shouldnt be hidden away. I deserve to enjoy fashion, its not a bad thing! I am lucky enough to come from a very fashion orientated family and i dont want to be the one afraid to shine out, so SCREW IT! its time those beauties got the chance to get shown to the world!!! It also didnt hurt that when i was in the US, i had limited outfits. i only thought id be there for two weeks so naturally i had to do some shopping :-p But wearing the same stuff, it made me wish i had access to my wardrobe so that i could wear some of the things i WANTED to wear!!! now that im back and i can, im gonna try to stop being a silly sausage and start enjoying fashion again...

Its going well so far, but it certainly helps having some nice weather... this weekend was the perfect opportunity to do several outfit changes! saturday day, saturday night, sunday day (i was proud that i made myself wear a different outfit instead of "recycling" saturdays) and although its harder to create new and suitable outfits to work... ive been making sure i switch it up at least a little bit everyday. Adding some jewellery or a different bag or something... Just taking time to think about what im gonna wear instead of throwing on something last minute... Its nice! if only just for my child-like excitement! I find that if i slip into a routine of wearing the same old stuff and not caring what i look like, i feel less willing to focus on the positives and recovery efforts slide... When i take a pride in how i look, it therefore reflects in how i feel. If i have a nice outfit on... i feel perkier and more upbeat for the day, which in turn kicks me into gear to eat more and get fully better so i can wear all the things i want to again! (cos seriously... i hate how my life revolves around this goddam stupid ED... im sooo bored of it!) The more i focus on things that make me upbeat and happy the less i worry about ED things and thats gotta be a good thing!!!

Anyways, here is what i wore today: 

It was abit chilly and i had to have a meeting so i went for smart stripes :-) im a sailor girl at heart... i have SO much stripy stuff!!!

Fingers crossed for some more warm weather, im not ready to give in to winter JUST yet!

social butterfly

Phews, it has been quite the weekend already!!

Since ive decided to live my life in a more positive upward thinking way, i have been grabbing opportunities to have fun and ignore the little nagging anorexic voices.... its been going pretty well i'd say!!

After work on Friday, a few of us from work decided to go to the pub across the road to sit in the pub garden... it was such a gorgeous day that it seemed criminal not to make the most of it! Especially since there are a fair few newby teachers joining this year, so alot more young'uns! 

I was only planning on going for one drink then getting home, cos it had been a full-on week... but i was having such a nice time chatting and just generall hanging out, that i stayed way later than i planned... when i DID get off, i was pleased with myself. i hadnt given into a "set" time, instead i just did what felt good.... point to MEEE!!!

Roll onto saturday, when i had made plans to hang out with the boy (we are just friends now, but i had pre-conceptions... since i came back from the US he has been texting loads and giving me those "i want more vibes".... so obvs, i was nervous cos i DONT want to get back with him, i WANT to stay friends... hmm, tricky)

Well, when i stopped doing my daily stretches and abs stuff in america, i reassured myself in knowing that there was a yoga class on sat mornings and a pilates class on thurs nights... i had planned to go to these in order to "keep my body toned". clever right? WRONG. pure ED thoughts. and just another way of controlling things. so since i was busy on thursday night and couldnt be arsed (i saw that one coming, im not really an "exercise at night gal") well i decided that since it was a saturday and id worked hard all week, i truly needed a lie-in. no yoga class was gonna drag me outta bed at 9am. PAH! so i slept in and felt good about the fact that i took control. I dont NEED to do any silly yoga classes to stay "toned", im fine doing nothing, thankyou very much. i am trying to GAIN weight after all!! So no yoga, instead a very late morning after deciding that i DO deserve to look nice and pretty and since it was another beautiful sunny day, i would wear a nice sun-dress and jewellry and therefore spent hours being girly and trying everything on in order to come to a final decision :p

FINALLY instead of walking all the way to meet the boy, i said why didnt he get dropped off here by our mutual best friend, so we could hang out abit and do my american gifting sesh. how could they refuse!? After that me and the boy wandered into town, got some lunch and magazines and did what we do best... sitting in the park in the sunshine discussing the latest celeb gossip. PERFECTION!!!! at about 6pm, we headed to the pub and met up with our friend... also bumping into a fair few others (everyone was making the most of the beergarden sunshine) And the night commenced... again, i wasnt planning on staying out but i DID! i as having a nice time and altho the night did start to lag abit by 10pm, it was still good to be out :-)

I came home not toooooo late and after eating THREE of my yummers american cereal bars, i hopped into bed and slept like a baby! Awwww!

Now im awake (strangely early!!) so its a day of catching up with work (sitting in the park probs, its the last day of hot weather for a while they say... rain tomo :-s) doing laundry and then most likely a supermarket stock up before the mumatron gets home tomo. not a bad way to spend a lazy sunday :-) 

I feel like my first weekend home has been a success! Usually i find weekends such a struggle... and yes, i did find myself wanting to walk more yesterday cos we were out and about. but that just means that since im not really doing much TODAY, i have to take it easy... make myself get back to that sedentary target. i know i will never be able to be a sit-still-all-day kindof person, but no pointless power-walking missions.... thats my aim. I AM proud that i made us go and get lunch yesterday tho. cos i wasnt massively hungry, but i knew that if i was going to stay out drinking, theres no way id be able to last without more food! The only bugbear is that the boy bought a sandwich and didnt eat it... he didnt eat any of the "treats" i brought back from american (whereas our mutual bestie cracked open the charleston chews for the obligatory "taste-test") which means apart from beer, the boy ate NOTHING all day :-( i know this isnt my problem, but it makes it hard for me to feel ok about eating.... plus he's a skinny minny anyways and he keeps saying how he's been doing soooo much running lately. Its not that i think he's got any ED habits (his sister was anorexic/bulimic too, so he knows how horrible it can be) but its just not helpful for me... plus he is still so down about life and his situation and he gets all wallowing and self-pitying and i cant STAND IT. its nasty to say, but its a very unnatractive quality (note to self... must NOT do it!!!) But its true. you dont wanna be around someone who is dragging everything down with negativity... i know he doesnt mean it and ive come SO far since america, i AM in a positive place and i want to smile and dance and laugh.... i CAN ignore it. but i dont like it. and i dont really want to have any potential triggers around.... is that selfish of me????

Oh dear... MORE drama!!!!

back to black...

...Or in my case today: bright yellow!!

ray of sunshine or traffic hazard... you decide!

First day back for the kids today... which of course, meant a day of hectic craziness, getting my timetable up and running, sorting out my new form group and the inevitable helping of aimless looking pupils who wander about getting lost! haha. all in a days work eh?!

you've gotta love the 1st day back at school!

As it happens, everything ran pretty smoothly... All the pupils had to lineup in the playground to find their form tutors, which mine did excellently considering theyre all new to the senior school, i only had ONE late pupil! then we went up to my classroom and settled ourselves in, went through the timetables, rules, lockers etc... We had the first two lessons off to do all this, which i thought would be ages, but it flew by! It always takes longer with the little ones, cos being in the senior school is alot different to juniors, where they only have ONE teacher. Now they have different teachers for each lesson, so there's alot of moving about from room to room and planning/organisation for them to remember. Fingers crossed, they all seemed to "get it", so we'll just have to see how it goes over the next week... You have to make it through a full working week before you can breathe a sigh of relief... there could yet be potential mistakes and problems waiting to crop up!!!

My form group are such cuties tho... Alot of them came up from our junior school so they already knew me, which is nice... two new boys, but they were fine :-) I think im quite an easy teacher to get on with, they all seem comfortable with me (ive had my fair share of being called "mum"before!!! apparently that means they feel safe and comfortable with you... but im saying nothing!) So then after break, lessons began!

I had a juniors class first, which was good... a new group of year 5's. teeny tinies and very sweet! Then i had my year 7 english group, but since we are yet to set them into their groups they were just divided alphabetically and we did some fun stuff (they take their assessment test tomo, which i will be marking over the weekend to determine their set groups... what a FUN weekend :-s) After this i had another junior class, which was NOT so nice. They are a group i had last year and there are some tricky kids in there... one special needs girl, who needs alot of attention, one very disruptive boy and a couple of very chatty, boisterous characters. Their not BAD, i mean seperately they are perfectly fine... but put them all together in one small classroom and things get a bit much. Its not so much about behaviour issues, more just a case of the NOISE and being able to give everyone equal attention. Theyve just moved up into year 6 so theyve reached the top year of junior school and oooh are they feeling abit big for their boots! enjoy it while it lasts, cos believe me that attitude changes BIGTIME when they move upto seniors and become very little fish in a big pond! but thats still a year of annoyance that i'll have to deal with first... I better get them into shape early on, so that i dont have more trouble later on. nipped in the bud, so to speak! Urhhh, sometimes you can just see when a group is gonna be an energy-sapper and these guys are one of them... but hey ho, you cant win out everytime! :p

So first day wrapped up. and im pretty pleased and happy to be back. I feel tired, but in a good way... not in a "ive walked all day and feel physically drained and pained but my ED is yelling at me that its not enough" (and frankly, ive had too many of those days) but instead it was a kindof "wow, ive just had a day of crazy exhausting busyness!" its a good tired. a satisfied tired. an "im gonna have a big yummy dinner and chill by the telly" tired :-) 

Mmm, nutritious delicious!!!

Which brings me onto the subject of food and my ED. cos yesterday i went back to the unit to sign myself out of the service. OOOOOH!!!!! it went well. i saw my T and we had a chat and talked about america and my feelings now and stuff. I know that im not fully recovered, both physically and mentally... but im on the right path. im in a better place now, i feel so much more independent.... when i was at the unit i may have been shovelling the food in, but i was always stressed, worrying that i wasnt doing things "right" and over-exercising to cope with the guilty feelings. well that wasnt gonna do me much good was it?! Noooo. So now, im eating what i like and trying more of what i fancy (but fear) in the knowledge that i DO have weight to gain, i might as well try these things and see whether i DO love them as much as im scared that i do! Its an interesting journey and one that im sure will have ups and downs, but its the ups that im interested in now. and i dont worry about the petty things, like eating or not eating (answer: EAT!) or trying to restrict more or exercise more.... restricting is pointless, you have to eat eventually and resting is cool yo! Its just the empty time that still bugs me. i find it hard to just do nothing, or to have nothing to do. But since i am currently filling up my social calender like a madwoman, im ok for now. and those times when i DO panic that i shud be doing this that or the other... well i just remind myself of all the things my ED has stolen from me and all the things i WILL do when i get my life back. and that drives me on :-)

In FACT, things like going out with friends (plans this weekend!) having fun at work and NOT always running out in my breaks to walk and avoiding sitting in the staffroom chatting (done already!) and having a cheeky flirt with some boys in a phone shop as i try to upgrade me iphone (ahem, yesterday... i had free time!!! i had to occupy it somehow!!!) But its all these things... little, everyday things, things that normal people do and i deprived myself of for so long... well theyre mine now too!!! i can have them! i can have a life! i DO NOT need to stay home and wallow in anorexia's rigid (and stupid) isolation. wheres the fun in that? yeah, it feels "safe" but so does wrapping yourself in cotton wool and who does that for reals?!

Oh Oh OH! aaaaand no stretching anymore (woopwoop!!!!) i have been toying with the idea of going to yoga/pilates, cos theres some classes near me, but i dont know if thats just my ED voice trying to compromise.... 

what do you think? is it a bad idea??? 

Im also only walking within normalised limits. If its not a nice day or i dont feel like it, i WONT force myself to, cos normal people wouldnt! If it seems abnormal and disordered... well, then it probably is!! I think thats the difference, if people do something cos it gives them enjoyment, then they enjoy it... if you do it because you feel you have to, then its punishment. And ive noticed that when i punished myself like this, weirdly i felt like i deserved MORE punishment...? whereas now, if i do something im proud of (eat more, walk less, stick it to the ED in some way or another!) Then i feel good, i feel like i can achieve more! its funny how that old brain thing works - eh!?

So there you go! this week as its happened till now... Quick Roundup?! Busy/Crazy, New/Different, Exciting/Fun, Challenging/Rewarding *delete as applicable* (not that i need to, cos i had ALL of them!)

Plus this new optimism and life-living means im getting on better with the mumatron (who has already shipped off to london town for work again... HA, maybe i spoke to soon! :p) Nah, she is still superbusy with work, but we have been getting on like we used to again, little jokes, being affectionate, eating dinner together while watching university challenge and simultaneously screaming at jeremy paxman :-p It feels good... we're communicating more and helping each other out without feeling put upon... So thats an improvement, oh and then theres the big one... *drumroll please* Cos ive even been getting on better with the sister!!!! Yup, we have been conversing again! hahaha, I know, right? But stranger things have happened! I mean its still very tentative... im not gonna be going round to catch up on gossip while painting our nails and doing our each others hair or anything! But since we really havent been getting on lately, this can only be a good thing... granted, it is kindof a "Whaaaaatthethisiscrazywenevertalkandwhenwedoitsonlytofightandbitchateachother!!!!" moment and I honestly dont know how long it will last cos its probs just cos ive been away and stuff, but yeah... its nice! Its starting to feel like things are finally looking up for the clemster :p

See! what did i say people...

its all about the UP!

:-)