weekend roundup

Hey folks... 

Another weekend has flown by and again, im pleasantly surprised that its gone by in a haze of fun "doing" things, rather than a rush of trying to fill the time till i can eat and waiting for the day to be over so i can get back to the safer weekday routine... being busy and therefore not thinking about food or exercise constantly.

A good start, no?!

So on friday night, me and my work girlies went over the road to the pub for a quick wind-down drink again.... i really like doing this, cos it means that i STOP. i dont immediately powerwalk home and start over-thinking things. i do still walk home, but its much less compulsive after sitting for abit... Instead we go and chat and chill out and it really puts me in a good mood! we dont stay that late (or drink that much!) but it just gives me a breather from finishing the week and starting the panic i get about weekends and having 'empty' time. It starts me off in good stead and i dunno, i sort of feel more confident about things. Plus the two main girls that ive started hanging out with are a little younger than me, but super confident and with absolutely NO issues with food! YAY! So in turn, they make me feel less paranoid about what is "normal". Cos they will quite happily indulge in takeaways or munch sweets or choc if they fancy it and drink full-fat drinks, instead of choosing the "diet" option... Its refreshing and it makes me feel like i want to try and get back to that 'being comfortable with food' stage again too... I used to be just like that, so surely i can be again?! Just maybe with a slightly better educated palate!!! (i doubt id go right back to my prawn cocktail crisp and dominos pizza days... cos these days i do love me some fruit & veg, but everything in moderation right?!) 

Whats cool is that we are all very different, both in looks, personality and interests. Im pretty sure that if we didnt work together, we probs wouldnt be friends! but thats why its so nice that we DO... cos there's no extra pressure... we get on, we have a laugh and we dont have to pretend to be anything we're not! we're just three girls chatting shit about clothes and boys and work and silly stuff. Its feels easy and my GOD do i need some more of that in my life!!

It helps that they are totes fine around food too... They eat what they want, when they want it... unlike me and my scaredy-cat mealplan attempts :-(  They are REAL, and that inspires me to be real too.

One of them is quite a curvy girl, but embraces it (all boobs and bum, y'know!) The other is pretty in a girl next door kinda way, with what id say most mens ideal figure... slim, with a big bust! She has put on abit of weight since she started teaching (as alot of people do) but she is totally proportionate, which really helps to calm my ED driven fears that if i were to gain weight, id just balloon into a massive wobbly-bellied blob! it just doesnt work like that... yes, she looks bigger but only slightly (i doubt even SHE notices! but thats anorexia for you... you become hyper aware) and anyway, any weight she has gained is all over, she still looks toned and has a flat stomach... it hasnt all gone to one place and she doesnt look unhealthy. which i imagine is what will happen to me (as long as the redistribution doesnt bitch on me too much!!) ill still be me, just bigger... (and therefore BETTER!!!! haha)

We met up again yesterday, cos we all needed to pick up some stuff in town and it was sunny so we arranged to meet up and chill in the park for abit... And I have to say that as i walked through town with them, i really felt like the odd one out. As i caught glimpses of us in the shop windows, i saw two confident normal looking girls and one sickly looking young child. It wasnt nice. and it upset me cos im the older one!!! Plus we hadnt realised itd be quite so war, so i felt silly wearing a long sleeved top (which i always wear, to cover my horrible stick arms) whereas they could just take their jumpers off and just wear their little tops... it made me realise how much i still have to gain. I may be moving forwards mentally, but its not enough to warrant much change on the physical side. Id MUCH prefer to be able to take off my jumper cos its hot and have amybe a little stomach roll (which they BOTH had!) rather than sit in full clothes cos i cant take off my stupid long sleeved top. GAAAH!!! This is always my downfall... i want to gain weight, but it wont happen unless i make SIGNIFICANT changes. like eat a hell of alot, not just piddly increases. I dont know why i cant just EAT. yes it hurts and it feels scary and wrong and my ED screams at me and my digestion kicks up a fuss and makes me feel shitty... but all of that, its not gonna kill me. staying underweight however, COULD. so that shud be scarier, right? but weirdly its not, the scary part is trying to make the leap and not believe the lies that i have come to see as fact about becoming FAT or UNHEALTHY or losing CONTROL.... ive been like this for so long, i cant remember what its like to think normally around food. I think back to how i ate before, but it seems unreal. like a dream or something. I dunno...

Anyways, after leaving them i headed off to my friends engagement party. Again i was feeling some body-issues... i hate feeling like the scrawny anorexic looking girl. its not what i want to look like, i hate how thin i am. but i dont know how to break free of it... it just feels safer than facing up to the unknown, im scared of what change might bring.... But i want it nonetheless. So change is what i must do... I dressed up and went to the party and im proud to say that i made sure i had dinner first, which i usually would just skip. POINT to me :-)

It was a good night, lots of people, lots of catching up, lots of fun! Its the first time we've all been together since i got back from america, so there was lots of excited chatter and storytelling, which was nice... 

Uhh, so after a late night and a stupidly early morning wakeup call, courtesy of the neighbours screaming kid (seriously, weekends are meant to be my child-FREE time!!!) I have had a chilled day. doing laundry, getting the food shop in then walking into town to get the mumatrons fancy shampoo (while looking like a total hobo with my hair piled up on my head and big sunglasses on even thos its not sunny... mary-kate olson eat your heart out!) then i had a nice (slower) walk back through the park.

Cos i realised something. Me powerwalking about everywhere cos my head tells me thats what i need to do to be "healthy", is totally mad! Not only do i look like a fruitloop who desperately needs a wee, but it makes no difference to calories. All the while my anorexia liked me to push it to the max so i felt tired and as if id "earned" something. well walking the same distance but slower, is exactly the same. So yah booooo to anorexia. ill be walking like a snoozing snail from now on :-) 

Hope you had a fun weekend and in response to my last post about fearing jeans, i had to post these words of wisdom from laura, a girl with more flowerpower than she gives herself credit for!

I am enjoying the birdie skirt and would just like to say

WEAR THE DAMN JEANS

By not wearing them, you are wasting money and the chance to look extra fabulous ;)

Wear them. Let them fall apart. Buy the next perfect pair.

That is how clothes shopping works...embrace it :)

xxx 

*thankyou*