chicken thursday :-)

Guess where I went lastnight?!?!

NANDOOOOOOS!!!!

Oh yeah people! i had me some CHICKEN yo!!! hahahaha :-)

Basically, when me and my 2 work girlies were sat in the park last weekend, planning how we could budget our way through the week till payday this weekend, we decided that since we'd be having to scrimp and save all week, we deserved to have a blowout on our last night of penny-pinching. So we all planned to save £10 so we could go out for a meal on the coming thursday night (lastnight).... which was the night before payday and the night now to be known only as: "chicken thursday" :-p

So yesterday morning, we compared wallet contents and decided that, yipyip... we were ON! (despite me almost bailing due to a plumbing emergency... more on that later!) ph and a consequential mini-freakout that almost had me running back to my "safe" routine - is it me, or does anyone else get super anxious when things go wrong, even if they have no relevance to anything else... but then take it out on whatever food situation arises?! i mean what does my dodgy shower going wrong have to do with being allowed to go out for a nice meal with friends?!?! Haha, lucky i rationalised that one smartish! (yes... damn you anorexia with all your silly little "terms and conditions")

Anyways, all that aside... we DID go! I was feeling abit nervy about it, cos i didnt know what id be able to eat and what the other two would have. and would they think i was weird for being scared of eating certain foods? would it show? would they go "oh look, the skinny girl is ordering a salad, what a surprise..."?? it was a stress and my head wasnt too happy.

Buuuut, it was fine! i did feel abit silly and left out, cos they ordered up two normal chicken meals with chips and garlic bread/coleslaw as their sides, covered in lashings of sauce and mayo and washed down with a glass of wine. whereas I had a chicken salad with a side of corn on the cob. It was pretty damn obvious why i was the one with a bony ass scrawn-bod :-(

GAH! i wish i could order whatever i liked, but im still not there yet... i cant allow myself that freedom. I long for that moment that i read people in recovery have, where they suddenly realise that they can eat whatever they want, and go for gold! I know that if i could get my calories up to a decent amount, i could allow myself to be less rigid and have more fun with food... but i still worry about calories and health and all that anorexi/orthorexic stuff. I cant just eat for pleasure unless i feel ive earnt it somehow. I know all that stuff in my head is lies... that it really doesnt matter if i just go for it, as a person who is trying to gain weight i SHUD just go for it. but i cant let go of the control... i dont want to eat crap, but i dont want to not be able to eat crap if i felt the urge... does that make any sense?! i dunno, the idea of a whole meal coming to nearly 1000cals without then even having dessert?! whoa, its just too big of a head-fizz for me.... even tho i could easily eat that much, i dont feel comfortable with it. its fine for them, but i just feel like for me, its not okay. Cos i feel like surely you cant be allowed to eat that much? i cant understand how they dont just balloon into massive blimps, which they dont! they stay as they are. I just dont trust food, ive forgotton how to eat. it scares me... but then they eat all that and theyre fine, so why cant i be?? i know they would both have had breakfast and lunch and snacks already AND one of them was saying she had some ice-cream in her freezer for when she got home but it baffles me... i mean how do they DO that? how do they just EAT and not stress or EAT and not change shape.... i think my brain believes that eating like that would result in weight gain, like SUDDE weight gain. and i cant help but be scared, i do like change, especially SUDDEN change.... so i try to change things tiny bit by tiny bit, which does jack-shit and i end up with more mental headaches than if id just gone "sod it" and jumped right into the high cal mealplan i know i should be on. Urgh, it makes me insanely jealous that they dont have this stupid malfunction in their heads! i really would give anything to feel that nonplussed about eating, but i just cant seem to do it without feeling guilt or compensating afterwards. but then again, i suppose ive never really given it a shot have i? ive always given in to the anorexia. Well, maybe thats my problem.....

Anyways, less down-beating... cos we had a really nice time! It was still a school night, so we just had our meals and chatted and then walked home. but it was just good to do something different. Even tho part of me doesnt like the change, i get unsettled cos i cant have my normal routine. but my normal routine is BORING! ok, not boring... i do like it! but its for everyday. its not like i cant do it whenever i want to... whereas given the chance to hang out with friends and you should take it... cos you can hang out by yourself anytime, but you cant see friends whenever you like! 

If there's one thing ive learnt from my years of being ill... its that you really have to MAKE the effort if you want to get anything back. if you bail on your friends again and again, they'll stop asking you to things... its only fair. why should they put themselves out there time and time again for no return?!

But im determined to get my friends and my social life back on track. i used to be little miss social butterfly before i got ill with M.E, so i see no excuse to hide behind this horrible eating disorder any longer than i have to... it took advantage of the fact that being ill made me to weak to fight the anorexia, but not anymore. i may still have my fair share of habits and fears, im still way too underweight and i dont feel happy with how i look and id love to be bigger. But that takes time, theres one thing i WONT compromise on tho, and that is that i am going to get better. That folks, is set in stone. It may take me months or even years... but i wont quit. im never giving up on the chance to be me again. and neither should you!!

playing with my friends adorable new kitten

Im still me inside & with time i will be my true self again

so FIGHT for what you believe in... and believe that you are worth the FIGHT

:-)