one of "those" days

Do you ever feel like even though you might have done a gazillion "good" things, something bad can come and shatter everything in an instant??

I just had that instant....

The mumatron got home today after another 5days away. and even tho i DO like her coming home, it throws me.... i get abit anxious and panicky just cos ive got used to being in the house on my own. But instead of being all excited and happy, i get weird and moody and want to get control back....

and she JUST....

....DOESNT...

....GET IT.

:-(

It nearly always ends in an argument, or at least a disagreement, where i freakout and cry cos i feel like a piece of useless worthless crap, then i feel bad for wallowing in self-pity and i start to feel like ive let her down, which then leads to more sort of apologising and feeling shitty, which she ignores therefore making me think that actually, she doesnt care and maybe she's letting ME down. 

i just want to know WHY doesnt she understand? WHY cant i talk to her? Whats stopping her from being part of this anti-ED "team"?

Honestly... she makes me feel like such a burden, i try to explain how i feel and she starts doing something else, literally ANYTHING else... when i say that its important to me to talk about it, she says "all we ever DO is talk about it..."

URGH.

am i being incredibly selfish?

am i just totally blinded by my own self-obsession?

i know i THINK about it 24/7, but does that mean i talk about it 24/7 too...? i didnt think so, but maybe im mistaken. I guess possibly cos i run around doing my job and seeing friends and trying to distract myself from the shit thats buzzing round my head nearly ALL the time, that when i do have someone i think i can talk to (cos if you can talk to your mum, who can you talk to?!) then i spill my load?!?! 

GAH! i know shes not great for talking about "feelings" but i havent found anyone else who i CAN talk to... believe me, if i did, i woulndt be talking to the mumatron, she aint all that helpful!!!

Its just so frustrating sometimes, cos i know im a fully grown adult and should therefore be able to deal with this stuff by myself, but its not that easy, yknow.... its so freaking ISOLATING. i dont want much, i just want someome to talk to about it, to make me feel less alone, less like a monster, less like a hassle....

I just wanna feel more like ME.