vroooooom

Afternoon funsters....

Ive just been down to see my friend and the motorbike shop to talk about possibly getting a second hand moped (again!) I told the mumatron earlier that i know that walking to and from work is still a hindrance to my recovery, so i would like to have the option to drive in when the weather gets bad. i know the anorexia will scream blue murder... and ill be bummed cos i DO like to walk. But this way, if i can get this sedentary thing down and make it last over the winter, then i can resume some walking when it gets nice again in the spring :-)

Ahh, cos I tried hard this summer, really i did! and i think i did make good progress, but its not particularly visible progress. In other words, im still too thin. ALOT too thin :-( I cant deny it, i still hate the way i look, i know people look at me and gawp... it makes me feel paranoid and i envy the girls i see walking around with normal sized bodies, wearing whatever they like. Sure they might have their fair share of body insecurities, but you know what... i bet they dont feel HALF as shitty as i do. I feel jealous that they can manage to have a normal attitude to life, whereas i cant... i feel like i dont deserve it. and what annoys me the most, is that i cant see past my fears to the fact that maybe, just maybe all it would take for me to be like that, to be normal again, would be to bite the bullet and do the things that scare me the most. feeling uncomfortable and out of control.... eating and being sedentary. Standing up to the anorexia and ignoring the "but i wont be healthy" voice. oh god. its worse than finding a spider on your face in the middle of the night (random i know, but this very nearly happened to me last night!!!)

i keep telling myself that the things that are hard and feel the scariest are actuallythe things that are the most worthwhile and will bring me the most reward. if only i could keep that mantra going in my head when the other side of my brain starts freaking out about not being "healthy" if i stop walking or try to eat more. mental earplugs anyone?! Surely thats one for dragons den!!!

But this is the time to give that bullet a little nibble. Cos summer is over, we are fast approaching autumn and we all know that is by far the best time of year to gain weight: you can avoid being outside in the cold, sitting inside in the warmth instead without guilt about not exercising or being active and eat lots of warming comforting foods, without having to see bikini bodies all over magazines and people in the park wearing next to nothing. Winter is about wrapping up in cosy clothes, and what better excuse to disguise a potentially triggering bloated recovery belly :-p

So i am really trying hard to suck up the fear and just go with it. I wont lie, i am finding it very hard, especially when eating more is making me want to walk more. I feel bad, i feel full and want relief. but i know i wont find it in the form of powerwalking around like a madwoman. I already walk too much and i know that adding more, even on a one-off occasion, is only going to make cutting back harder in the long run. I need to accept that although i like walking and it is a form of release for me... it still has anorexia written al over it. cos when i ant that release, i want to FEEL it... so its NOT a gentle amble but a paced, drive. which is not good and i must find that release elsewhere. walking can and will still be there for me when im healthy. 

Anyways, all in a days work right?! I swear, this recovery stuff takes up so much of my waking brainspace (or even non-waking... i often dream about anorexia and recovery. i literally cannot escape!) I really look forwards to a future where my life doesnt revolve around food and exercise and recovery.

Saying that tho, i have noticed that i since coming back from America and leaving the unit, i am much less concerned with tallying up calories and worrying about how much i eat. Of course i still find it hard to deal with the physical side of it... feeling full, feeling bloated, feeling like im eating too much. and i AM still aware of calories (i still want to go for the lesser cal option, when i can) but i dont worry about adding up everything and wondering what my "quota" shud be. I found a little note in one of my teaching files from last year, where id obviously been tallying up my intake (during a lesson... naughty me!) but i shuddered as i remembered how i used to think about how nice itd be to actually eat that golden 2500 cals.... tallying up my eats and overestimating them to convince myself i was eating more than i was and therefore didnt need to increase. Sooo stupid. i know im still along way from reaching that target intake, but i dont obsess over adding up numbers anymore. when im hungry i WILL eat. but thats not to say i wont feel shitty afterwards!!! (but im sure, with time, i can get over that.... it just takes a concerted effort and a will to change)

So there you go. A little catchup for ya! This week is rattling along nicely. I havent had any "gaaah" days yet, despite having had my two worst days, losing my afterwork free-time for a satff meeting and a meeting with a worried parent, oh not to mention having my free's taken for cover today! Somehow, these little trivialities dont bug me as much anymore. i used to get soooo stressed if things went out of plan and my routine was disrupted, but now its ok... it can actually be quite exciting! 

Shit Happens. But the world continues to function.

and that, my friends... is life!!!

:-)