fake cake bake

Well thankyou all for your muchly needed informative knowledge on baking products, i clearly have alot to learn!! (no need to worry nigella, you're safe for now....)

BUT, in case you were worried... the cake came out just fine :-)

Nothin' fancy... but its the taste that counts!

and to be fair, we were baking on limited ingredients after all!!!

We did find some baking soda by the way, altho i chose not to look at the expiration date!! The neighbours were super grateful, so i didnt think it was worth bringing up that teeny tiny potential mishap! Plus they've left now, so any tummy upsets they might encounter could well be blamed on car sickness.... right?!?!? hehehe.

So today has been abit of a bum day. I really hoped i could get my shizz in check enough to tackle this weekend blip thing that i have going on.... i did so much better last week and im getting myself back on track and regaining some of that lost confidence and motivation! So i fully intend to continue that trend next week, but weekends are just different. i dunno why. its just those two little days that always catch me out. Grr! Still, i did have some productivity, i managed to schedule myself in some reflective "me" time today, i even went to the library and picked up one of those anorexia self help workbooks to keep me focussed. cos sometimes, i feel like one hour of therapy a week just isnt cutting it, cos i inevitably end up just coasting thru the week until its close to the day of my appt and then think... "Oh", its therapy tomo so i better get going...." Which, yeah. is clearly not good enough!!! SO this way ill be able to set myself little tasks and targets to think about during the week. I know the whole never having enough time thing will be a problem. but at least ill be trying and thats what counts people!!!

So this coming week i plan to:

• continue to try and push myself. the little challenges i started last week helped me to expand my feelings of capability, which in turn built up my confidence to think yes, i CAN do this instead of just saying "this is hard..." "i cant do it..."
• TRY to cut back on my walking. this is gonna be a tough one, but i want to see if i can change my usual route so that i cut off 5mins each way, thats a start at least!
• eat back the calories that i DO burn by walking, this way ill have a SET target intake per day, from which i can work on increasing bit by bit, as i feel comfortable.
• try to focus on my negative behaviours, why do i feel guilty? why do i feel undeserving of nice things? i want to try this role reversal thing in my book where i write down my problem and the resulting feelings and then answer it as if i were helping a friend.
• TALK! i need to learn to be more open with my feelings, even just to figure out why i feel the way i do! cos often i get upset, anxious, angry without really knowing why... when i think about it, i realise that it is an irrational feeling. like they say in CBT, feelings are very different from FACTS... so if i feel full or fat or lazy, that does not mean i AM any of these things. i want to retrain my mind to distinguish between these ED feelings and what is the truth.

SO, quite alot to think about!!! Im not gonna go crazy and make myself feel pressured to tick off any boxes... i just want to have some direction, abit of focus to help me get thru the week with increased confidence :-)

Ive been thinking alot about how life really is what you make it...

and they say that "positivity breeds positivity"

So i guess if im thinking good things then surely good things will happen!!!

Saying that tho, i stepped in a dog poo when i walked the poochums earlier... But weirdly, i didnt even get annoyed! Its just karma finally catching up with me for always forgetting to carry a poopy bag!!!!

Have i found inner peace?! (with poo....) who knows!!! maybe i shud start practicing my chanting: UmmmMMMMmmmmmMmMmm... (orange is a soothing buddhist colour apparently) SO, do i sound convincing?!?! Naaah, and anyway it wouldve been a different story if i hadnt been wearing my big tough-girl wellie boots :-p

have a good week lovelies...

and watch out for those pesky dog poo's!!!

xxx

baking soda!?!

What does baking soda even DO?!?!?!

like does it have a major purpose in baking, cos i cant find any in my cupboards....

Hmmm.

Oh...

*im baking a cake by the way!*

The occasion?! Our next door neighbour's told us yesterday that they are leaving.... tomorrow!

talk about grabbing the bull by the horns :-p

They've been talking about possibly moving for a bit but in a, yeah, we're thinking of going somewhere else, this place is sh*t, kinda way... so i was thinking in a couple of months, like in the summer or summat. But no!

In fact they decided the other day, why not just GO...?! and so, thats what theyre doing! (hence, me and the mumatron are baking a cake to say bye.. She has a weekend off work, YEEE! so we are trying to spend "quality" time. hahahaha) i do love abit of baking tho and funnily enough, this cake'll probs be the healthiest thing those neighbours have ever eaten... Lets just say, they're more of the "cooking, MEH, whats the point when you can get a lovely nutritious takeaway delivered right to your sofa"... Mmmm! Yeeeah, ive never bothered trying to sway them towards healthy eating, it aint gonna happen! And who am i to preach on their eating habits... they could easily turn around and tell me that maybe i could DO with eating a few mcdonalds, and they'd probs be right! So we live our very different lives and get on just fine! Cos people can live their lives as THEY choose. its not about trying to control peeps, ive got to keep remembering that. DAMN my stupid control thing!

But i think its amazing that they can just up and leave, this is a family with SIX kids for gods sake! what about schools? what about getting jobs!? (i think theyre on the dole, so maybe thats not such a concern :-p) But that kindof spontaneity freaks me out, i mean they've only just started packing and they leave tomo at like 6am!

Secretly tho... if im being honest, im a little bit jealous too! Not cos i wanna leave here, HELLS no. But to live life so freely, so unrestricted by what-ifs and shoulda woulda coulda's... it must be pretty liberating!

My head's always full of Questions...

But saying that... I think i prefer having solid plans tho! What can i say, im the kindof girl who likes to make lists :-p

Anyway, mumatron thinks we may have located a baking soda "alternative"... (GOD knows what she's found!) So i best be off to my duties of lady whiskalot. Yup you heard it here, whisking's how i roll... (altho im mainly doing it in the vain attempt to build up my scrawny arms!!!)

Hope you're all having a fun saturday... and here's a QN for ya!

Do you get on with your neighbours?!

I watched a tv programme called "neighbours from hell" and i sent a silent thankyou to God that we dont have people like that next door to us!! (uh-oh... i now better send a request that the new tenants are equally friendly.... EEKS!!!)

take a chance

guess what, i tried something NEW today!

As i went for my usual luncho, my eyes rested on a newbie product on the sandwich shelf... a roasted butternut squash wrap with red pepper hummus. Oooooh!

Now i have to confess that i have never tried butternut squash! Ive seen so many blogs shouting out about its marvelous goodness, but for some reason i just never quite braved it! i always thought it looked a bit too mushy, a bit too bleugh... i dunno! Maybe its just the idea of mixing butter, nuts and squash all together (cos that wud be quite a dish!) it just didnt appeal. (i did this with minced pies too, ever since i was a kid i actually thought it was MINCEMEAT in the pastry, like a weird meaty sweet thing, it baffled the hell outta me and i never got through it! I am slightly better educated as to the ingredients now, but i still hate em! (im not a fan of stewed up cooked fruit anyways, so that kindof sealed the deal)

But today, in the spirit of trying to make this week about changes... i thought, screw it. Im gonna try something different for a change!

Not to say i didnt escape the usual ED shizz, "you might not like it.... its unsafe... stick to your usual..." (man, doesnt it EVER get tired of that same old routine?!?!) but i thought, well if i dont like it then i can chuck it and have something else... its not the end of the world! cos what if ive been missing out on something great all this time!?!

So i took a leap of faith. i got the wrap (pricier than my usual, but hey... nobody said change was cheap!) and i enjoyed every bite. It was totally different to what id imagined, spicier than id expected with a pleasant kick from the hummus.

All in all... a chance worth taking!

So people. Here's to taking chances!

cos you never know unless you try, right?!?!

Anyway, i have therapy tomo... so hopefully my T will appreciate the work ive been doing this week. i hope he sees that i AM trying, despite my somewhat slow progress. Im worried he's just gonna focus on my weight... so im scared to say the least. I dont think ive made significant enough changes to have gained much. But i am making the necessary steps to get myself comfortable with the idea of gaining....

Thats gotta count for something, surely!

im keepin my fingers crossed

midweek day 3

Just a quick drop in to say EVENIN Y'ALL.....

I had a crazy busy day today, lots of books to hand back, a kid getting upset and wanting to talk, not to mention a full day of teaching (gaaaah no free periods=stress!) then to top it off, a lastminute english departmental meeting in my lunchbreak. This was a bumzo cos it meant i didnt have time to have my crisps with my lunch, cos i didnt think it'd go on so long and id left my crisps in my bag in the staff room.... "epic fail" (as my pupils would say!) so i just had my sandwich and luckily found an orange in my bag so i felt like i was still having something with it, rather than slipping back to the single lonely sandwich. But it sucks how fast that kindof inconsistency makes ED scream. Its like ONE bag of freaking crisps, but noooo, ed says "well thats ONE slip you've made. why not write off today and start fresh tomo, or the next day, or the weekend, or......." *and this is where i tell ED to shut the hell up*

mwahahahaha...

take that SUCKAH!!!

So to make amends, tonight people.... im having pastaaaaaaa :-)

and you better believe that im gonna get the extra virgin olive oil out on that baby. YESSIR!

ooh its gonna be good, in fact. im going to have to love you and leave you in order to prep my ingredientes!!! (hehe, as if pasta and boiling water are soooo hard to prep!)

Hope your having a nice evening wherever you are, and remember to keep smiling!

can you tell im feeling more positive this week?!?!

just let me know when i start to get annoying...

:-p

xxx

day 2...

and im Still going...!

I know its only the second day of trying to get myself back onto some kindof motivational pattern, but every day counts in this battle for recovery. And im pleased to say, i have NOT given in yet... :-)

Today i increased my morning cereal by an extra spoonful, nothing MAJAH... but a step nonetheless.

I usually prep it the night before so i can literally milk and go in the mornings... urgh, that sounds a little funky doesnt it?! i dont actually MILK and go... altho that could be fun! if somewhat time-consuming (and i dont think a cow/goat/milkable animal would fit into my kitchen and thats completely irrelevant anyway since im dairy intolerant and drink soy... So the milkmaid fantasy wouldnt happen anyway, and quite frankly, even if it were possible, i wouldnt know HOW to milk a soy bean!!!)

Wow...

where did THAT come from?!?!?!

Its clearly "one of those days"..... i better stop before someone stops me :-p

Anyway, back to the point if you can even remember what that was! i prepped my cereal the night before, so when it came to eating it this morning... ED had kindof forgotten that it was more, cos i didnt measure it out then and there. HA, point to me!

Lunchtime was tricky, i had free's in the afternoon so therefore just waiting about doing marking... ED no likey. I had my sandwich and those sneaky little "oh you had crisps yesterday, you did fine... you dont NEED them again today" thoughts crept in. Well not this time mister! This time im choosing ME.... and me is choosing the right path this time :-)

i had 'em. it was ok. i felt abit guilty, but im not gonna be able to face up to this illness until i can start to handle the feeling of guilt when i eat. cos by confronting it, i can start to figure out why the heck its there in the first place!

bring on day 3....!!!

Does anyone have any ideas for new challenges/changes to try and put in place through this week??

PLEASE, give me a shout... Id appreciate any help i can get! I want to be consistent with the ones ive done so far and then add on other little ones as i feel more confident. Nothing too big or scary tho please! im trying to build up bit by bit and increase confidence as i go... ive learnt the hard way about trying to run before i can walk :-p

Grrrr!

day 1..

...and not a bad start!!!

I have managed to get my ass into a more suitable gear and i am feeling a whole shedload of betterness today :-)

(thank GOD, it took long enough!!!)

Isnt it funny how something as simple as "eating" can be the hardest thing, yet at the same time also the most rewarding! I have found that by taking baby steps and adding a little bit extra to my meals, i can start to rebuild those steps that i lost during what will henceforth be know as "the blip"...! (or the blip that need not be named, if you want its full & proper name!!!)

So today i regained the "lost" packet of crisps with my lunch. I knew it was something i conquered before, so i knew it WAS achievable, but id let slip during the "BTNNBN" ...so today CRISPS were on the menu!!!

i have to admit, i was a scaredy cat and had to egg myself on to convince myself that it was ME who wanted to have these crisps, that these crisps represented change... since ED was doing a pretty sterling job of trying to convince me otherwise, but guess who won THIS tug of war?!?

Oh YEAH. u guessed it...

twas MOI!!!!

Hang tight for day two.... oh cant u just feel the excitement growing!?!

A demain mes amies

yes... (unlike girls aloud) i CAN speak french!

Its one of the many things you MAY not know about me!!!

I shud really do one of those "10 things you dont know about me" things shudnt i??

wait i think i was actually tagged in one a while ago........

SHOOT, i mustve forgotten to do it!!!

(sorry lovely person who tagged me!)

Im off now.

(otherwise you know ill be rambling forever!)

SEEEEEYA

:-)

here goes a new week!

No more shoe-love in this post... promise! instead ill just say....

Happy Sunday y'all :-)

Have u done anything memorable with your day?? i always find that sundays go by so fast, i never seem to actually achieve anything... it gets to 5pm and i think (and usually yawn) "right, thats me done for the day!"

Its annoying tho, cos i always set myself out to DO something on the weekend, like paint my nails or sort out my wardrobe or any of the other good ideas for ED distraction... but inevitably, i end up either walking the dog, sitting on my laptop or stressing about food/ED stuff. Productive? i think NOT!

I dont want this post to be triggering to anyone, but im going to be honest okay... so bear with me!

OK, so weekends = struggle. Im an "on-the-go" person, with AND without ED's influence. I have always been an active person, i like the feeling of having things to do... but this doesnt end up leaving me much time to reflect on my thoughts. Which is fine if you dont have any issues o deal wtih! but i do... yes, i ADMIT, im not actuallu perfect!!! (shocker!) So i need to give myself a small chunk of time to spend trying to sort through my jumble of a head! and weekends have become the time when i put my mind back into order after my busy working week...

Although its not a bad thing! One of my major hiccups is the fact that i am so consumed with my job during the week, it means that i put recovery on the back burner while i run around being "miss superteacher". Dont think this means i dont think about things, cos im sure all of you who have experienced this nasty disease know that living with an ED means it never leaves your mind... not for a minute. Its always there buzzing about, putting its ten cents in and generally being a pain in the ass!

BUT this is why i need the weekends to try and rationalise some of the thoughts i have during the week and also to process my therapy sessions.

I used to have therapy on a monday, which was good in terms of "here goes a new week!" but it didnt really give me much time to think about what we went thru in session cos i wud then launch into my week and forget about it! Now im trying to have my appts on a friday after school so that i can try and get motivated for the weekends (which are my bigtime struggle) and have a chance to think thru some of the stuff said. i hope this will help me, cos right now... i need the help i can get! I might have already said, but my therapist is worried about my complacency with regards to recovery... he says that unless i start showing progression and get my weight moving again instead of just maintaining at such a low weight, then therapy is pointless and i will have to stop seeing him. If that happens then its either a) admit im not making any progress and admit myself ip, or b) go it solo.... as in ALONEO, no support, no therapy, nada. (lets just say, im not to enamoured with that option!)

So this week my T set me the task of "making my cals count"... Cos i do eat! maybe not the things i need to (i need to ease up on the fruit/veg and up the carbs/fats) but i obviously burn alot of these off by being active at work and with all the walking i do (which it wud appear DOES count a hell of alot more than id thought!) So i need to either restrict my exercise and therefore not burn anything off... or eat more to make up for those cals burned.

Its not rocket science, but its damn hard when you've got yourself wedged into a routine SO deep that you cant see the top. But if im gonna get out, i need to start climbing...

Im going to start by setting myself the target of what i DO eat, without exercise... so if i burn it off, instead of leaving it at that, i will have to EAT BACK those lost cals. This is a start at least. then if i can do that, i can start to increase my intake, bit by bit... i dont wanna freak out and go back to square one! But every week i will reasses and make sure that im on track, so that i can eventually reach my aim of hitting 2500 cals a day.

Now i was supposed to start this on sat, after my T session on friday... but what do you know. i didnt. I find it incredbly hard to eat when im on my own, if im not hungry i just dont bother, which is awful i know. and this is why weekends are so hard for me, cos my mum works away all weekend and i end up feeling bad for being less active, but yet unable to bring myself to use the time to make tasty food. If someone were there with me, im sure it'd be much easier... ED wouldnt like it, but at least id be tackling it head on.

So from TOMO, i start a new week. a week of monitering what im doing so that i dont just coast by again, these weeks are flying by and im not using the time i have. Easter will be here in the blink of an eye, and then summer after that... i want to have a proper summer this year, hanging out with my friends, being silly and having fun. NOT hiding behind long sleeved tops and passing on summertime activities cos i dont feel confident enough. Noooo, last summer was a wakeup call, and i DO NOT want a repeat of that! If this trickles on any longer, then i will have to reconsider ip as a way to at least get my weight UP and then continue progress at home.

I am def going to do the IOP thing in april (if its up and running by then... fingers crossed people!!!) but i dont want to let ED use that as an excuse to waste the next two months in "preparation" for that. So im calling on you guys, you wonderful, caring, supportive friends out there, HOLD ME TO IT!!!!

okay?!?!

seriously, even if i bitch and moan....

i need this!

and u know i'll thank u for it!

....i always mind my p's & q's

:-p

I would say "wish me luck" but this isnt about being lucky, this is about putting in hard graft!!! Its about making myself do something that im probably not going to like much. But hey... if somethings worth having, its worth fighting for....

here goes

xxx

shooooooooes

they make me happy :-)

I mean, they are practical, keep your feet dry and best of all...

they dont mind if you gain/lose weight!!!

which is probably why i have a little shoe addiction going on... I dont like shopping for clothes much at the mo, cos i just get depressed that nothing looks the way i think it shud. My family are heavily involved in fashion and i know what clothes should look like, and on me... they just aint cutting it! But shoes and accessories? bring it ON!!!

Now i'll 'fess up. i LOVE pretty high heels, wedges, sandals, boots... in fact, im a sucker for any good lookin shoe. But in my heart of hearts, im a trainers girl...

Not just any trainers either... Its gotta be a converse all star chuck taylors. Its not that im biased, other brands rock the trainer scene aswell, (i have been very tempted by some old skool nike air dunks) But converse are so versatile! I wear them with dresses when i dont want to look too "done", i wear them with bare legs in summer, im even lucky enough to get away with wearing them to work! (what?! im an ART teacher... we dont adhere to the normal "teachers" attire :-p)

Yup, im a sucker for converse, i have ALOT, but yet never enough!? I want my cupboard to look like this someday, a haven of shoe beauty!!

Sooo, yesterday i bought me a new shiny pair :-)

but they WERE IN THE SAAAAALE!!!!! (so its ok, right?!) and anyways, they'd been winking at me for about a week now... it had to be done.

They are different to my usual high top faves... they are the high high tops, the ones that can either be worn as a high boot or folded over to see the inside. Cool? hell yes. but what sealed the deal was the colour... they were bright apple green....

Oooh yeah,

its gotta be lurrrve.

Ive been hunting out a pair of these babies for a while now, but they stopped doing this colour in a regular hightop in the UK... since im always on the look out for the rare ones, i was excited to see these in the sale rail in my local office store (its always the ones that i cant have that i want the most!) But hey, thats only human right?!? Grass is greener and all that! well now its not just the grass thats greener, its my SHOE COLLECTION!!!! yeeeeeeee!

Im still on the hunt for more tho, currently lusting after the bright yellow for the approaching springtime... its an addiction!! (i like to think a slightly "safer" one tho... it could be worse!)

But i wont stop till i have my entire rainbow collection (i like em bright!!)

i have the pink, the red, the purple (im wearing them at the mo... i go thru phases) leopard (for the animal in me.. GRR!) and the basic white and black and a few others knocking about that probs shud be binned cos they are all worn out. But they're like old friends, i feel bad for chucking my chucks :-p

RIGHT, so i have just written a whole post on my trainer collection... and now i actually cant think of anything else to say!

Well, makes a change from me rambling on about myself, hehe!

Hope you've all had a lovely saturday and ill be back tomo with an update on whats happening chez clemmy, just in case you actually missed my usual incoherent rambles!!! :-p

But even tho my shoes are mainly made to get me from a to b.

when i pop on a pair they also give me hope for the day,

what will it bring? where will it take me?

And the answer?

closer to the bright future i so desire....

one step at a time

:-)

ho hum...

its MIDWEEK MADNESS time!!!!!

Yeah, i get excited when its halfway to the weekend :-p

what?! like you DONT?!?!?!

This week has been (in a word) a: crazymentaltiringbunchofjellywibblewobblehaventhadaminutesostoprightnowpleasethankyou!

im a walking word jumble...

Yes, i knooooow thats not one word, but i had to compromise! Im glad ive got thru the first part, nutritionist appt, staff meetings, report writing and meeting a friend, but i still have ALOT to go till i can stop and relax.... (therapy tomo, more report writing and a formal lesson observation with the headmaster on fri, eeeek!!!

But im trying to pace myself, cos i am still finding it hard to get my act together in regards to gaining and cutting back the exercise... its like im not in control of my body right now. i started to imagine myself going into ip and letting someone else take control and now ive lost the control I HAD over ed. its not that ive given up, oh FAR from it! im as determined as ever, im just seeing things more clearly now. ive stopped wearing the rose tinted glasses and im seeing all the shit that im putting myself through for this illness. Now usually you;d think this wud kick me into making changes, but for some reason, its left me floating in limbo.... i can see what im doing (or NOT doing) but i cant rationalise my brain to act on this. i need to talk it thru tomo in therapy. cos im not happy about it!

Has anyone else experienced this?

The only way i can describe it is kindof like an "out of mind, out of body" type feeling...

Anyway, its tough. but im determined to get through this. I cant keep stalling and waiting for something to happen to make me do this... I feel like im always waiting for something, like waiting for my next weigh-in, waiting till my next therapy/nutritionist appt, waiting till IOP in april... WHY wait?! its like i need permission to "start" gaining. Im still incredibly scared of changing my habits. it sucks, cos i know if i keep waiting, ill be waiting forever.... It makes me wonder if i made the right choice regarding ip. My nutritionist said maybe i shud have gone, if only just to BREAK those bad habits, have someone checking up on me... cos im just worried im not strong enough at the moment to make it count. Im not reaching 2500, im still walking too much, what can i do??? How can i stop this toxic pattern??

Still, this isnt meant to be a down post! there are always upsides to every downside... i will turn this around and make it into something positive. I just need to will up some energy, my trouble at the moment is that im not getting enough sleep, im stressed and im too busy! Its to mcuh to juggle all at once, somethings gotta give

and sadly at the moment its my focus on recovery..... which quite frankly,

Just Aint Good Enough!

Dont worry guys, ill be back on form soon enough... Lets get this crazy week over and done with and then i can start to focus on what really matters!! (Altho of course, any encouragement would be greatly appreciated! :-p)

so i can remind myself...!

Hope your midweek isnt madness like mine! Keep on truckin, we're nearly at the weekend :-)

xxx

capt'n recap

Ahoy there me mateys!!!

Sorry, im in a nautical theme after my exciting day out :-)

But i had fuuuuun, and now im pooped and so this will have to be a shortie (well reasonably short, cos you all know by now how much i love to ramble on about nothing...!)

RIGHT, back to the point. today. ah yes...

So i got myself up pretty dang early for a sunday (espesh since mums dinner party peeps didnt leave till gone midnight!) at 7:30 and did me some yoga stretching, then i was amazed to hear mum surfacing... i really thought she'd be the slow coach that id have to stomp about to wake up! but no, she was doon sturrs (downstairs) tidying up some of the mess, no time for THAT!!! out the door to pee the pooch in the fresh morning air, i love sunday pooch pees, theres never anyone about and its all peaceful and "day of rest" ish!

back home and we had a nice chilled sunday brekkie, scrambled egg & toast for mum accompanied by the sunday times.... bowl of oats and branflakes for me with the slightly less classy sunday mirror (what?! i like the supplements!!!) hehe...

We headed out in the van and drove to our secret location... well not SO secret, cos i had a scout out the night before (when i was banished to my room so as not to disrupt the partay... seriously, this is how sad my life is that im now banished from OLD people parties!!!) and i found this cute little settlement thing called snape maltings, it used to be a malt making place and so is pretty big, like a mini-village... it has a river running beside it and a little boat place and cafes/pub/shops/gallery and a concert hall (randomly!) it all looked sooooo pretty on the website, and mum wanted to check it out, so off we went!

ready to rock

When we got there it was still quite early for lunch, so we decided to take poochums on a walk before looking around and exloring some of the little shops...

I was in walky heaven... i wanted to walk for miles but mum got fed up and wanted to go back. SPOILSPORT! but in a way, its probs best. sometimes i dont realise how much i walk and i get a bit obsessive about needing to go "that bit further", so stopping was difficult for me and i DID get abit anxious as to what this would mean in terms of the impending lunchtime :-s

MAN i wish this kindof stuff didnt bother me....

I mean why couldnt i just enjoy the nice day without worrying about bloody food/exercise?

just for ONE day dammit!!!

Anyway, the weather was perfect, bright and clear but still a bit chilly, so a scarf and sunnies was a killer combo :-p

Also had me abit of a wind situation going on....

(but luckily, not the usual worries, hey neela!?!)

We had a look round the shops (there was some gorgeous stuff, but hellooooo SO overpriced!) before heading up to the cafe for some lunch munch.

I was a leeeeeeeeetle bit (ok ALOT) worried about what i would be having to eat, but i knew that i had to push myself out of my comfort zone. so i had something i used to LOVE as a kid... moules mariniere, super garlicky mussels in sauce with bread for dipping....

Mum had a grilled chicken liver salad, which sounds gross but looked amazing!

And after that we mooched back to the car (where the pooch was FAST asleep!) and headed on home....

A succesful day out?! i think so.... i had fun and i relaxed abit. Im not gonna say that i left ED at home, cos that would be lying! its with me all the time, ive learnt that i probs wont be able to get rid of it fully. But what i CAN do, is learn to live my life MY way..... i dont need to listen to its lies, i need to believe in myself, believe in the truth.

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

cos here comes another week...

Stay Classy Peeps

:-)

xxx

sunday adventureland

YAY!!!

tomorrow im going on an adventure!

I told mum how much i struggle on the weekends cos i have no set routine and i end up worrying about eating and not being active and then i tend to over-exercise and restrict to compensate for this (bad bad bad)... sooo, in the spirit of making changes, (and since mum has the weekend off work for once in her life!) i decided it was time to change things up!

Uh-Oh... looks like i cant afford to fear change anymore!

So, tomorrow we are going on an adventure along the Suffolk/Norfolk borders to find some beautiful coastline to take the pooch on a walk along, then we plan to find a nice little town to stop for cafe lunchy/shop time. YEEEE.... Im so excited already!!! I just want to be able to enjoy a day out without feeling like im doing nothing and dont deserve to eat, cos thats just SILLY! Of course i deserve to eat, and more than that... i NEED to eat. i have to start taking this thing seriously, ive got alot of work to do if im going to get this body back to its best! But slow and steady wins the race, im not gonna make the mistake of trying to run before i can walk... i did that before and well, it didnt work now did it?!? SO, im not going to avoid ALL activity, cos i think that wud freak me out when it came to the eating (hence the walk... leisurely and scenic!) but at the same time i AM challenging myself to do something out of my comfort zone (eating at a cafe, where i cannot pre-decide on the food etc...)

Sound like a fair compromise?!?!

Ill be taking my camera-ra, so expect a few piccys and a full recount in the next coupla days... i would say tomoz, but who knows where we'll end up and when we'll get home!!!! (hopefully not too late, it is a school night after all :-p)

Hope you're all having a fantastic weekend and have a smile on me!

:-)

xxx

procrastination!

My oh My, what a week its been so far!!!

Im just gonna jump straight in and say please dont hate me but....

Im not going IP.

Now i was very tempted to write that in small lettering, but then i thought... F*CK it! i made a decision, it was hard as hell. but im proud of myself for doing it!

I have spent the past few days tearing my hair out trying to figure out what the best path for me is, shud i just drop everything and go IP? shud i hang in there, give this another shot and then reasses in april and do the IOP thing?

ARGHHHGHGH!!!!

well. i made a choice.

It might not be the right one, but its the best one for me right now... The pressure that i was feeling about choosing NOW whether i shud go in or not, the fact that i had a time limit to decide, the fact that i was stressing so much about the consequences of my job, being away etc... was alos not helpful. I dont want to put myself in a situation that i am uncomfortable with, whats the point in that!?! as if i wouldnt have enough stress and anxiety in there, i dont need any added extras....

Plus, i have been feeling so much more positive now that ive got back into a routine. I eat better at school, no doubts there. But i also feel like i have purpose, y'know? before i tend to coast along, not really doing much, not having a social life, not feeling happy with myself but not knowing quite how to change things.... when im at school, i feel ALIVE. i feel like those kids need me (haha!) like they value my opinion and enjoy my presence... its an overwhelmingly motivational feeling!!! (seriously, they shud make you teach kids for therapy!)

Okaaaaay, maybe not!

it does tend to raise the stress levels somewhat, but you get my drift :-p

So thankyou all for your incredible messages of support and advice, i read thru each and every one and felt so thankful that i have such wonderful people in my life :-) But i had to make this decision, this step towards my OWN recovery.... Not letting myself give up the fight in favour of hat i believed to be the idea of a nice cushy "let someone else do the hard work" recovery.

If i went IP for a month, yeah, id gain more weight than i probably will at home, but i would still then have to come home and continue the process here. better that i tackle it here and now, DEAL with the issues that i have with my routines and my control rather than run away from them and then face them all when i come back.... i cant hide from it. its gotta be tackled at some point!

I know that if i can gain some much needed weight in the next 2 months and THEN go iop, then i will have a much better grasp on dealing with the mental side of this illness. My mum has agreed to be more of a "bad cop" than the softy that she really is! She is going to be making my evening meals so that i am forced to lessen my control of what goes into my food, cos right now, the fear of not knowing what my meals been made with, unknown quantities of oil etc.. means that i get VERY stressed! but thats not normal! i want to be able to let other people have their fun in the kitchen too! I need to learn to share!! When ive gained, then hopefully, things will be alot clearer and ill be able to stand up to ED and fight back like the stubborn fighter that i am! At the moment, my brain is ED mush.... it just wants to stick with what it knows. My fear of the unknown is ridonk! which is why im gonna make changes.... cos the only person who can do that is me, right?! If i want things to change, i need to initiate and STICK to those changes.

I saw this quote today and it just spoke to me. I felt like i was meant to see this...

"Remember, you are the only person on earth who can use your ability"

(Zig Zigler)

I mean, HELLOOOOO??!!?!? that is EXACTLY what i needed to hear! :-)

So thankyou again lovely readers, and i invite YOU to remind yourself, that you too are unique and wonderful in your own ways, and you are the only one who can use your abilities for what you what. Make your own future, it can be whatever you want it to be... but make it YOURS!

Big Love

xxx