procrastination!

My oh My, what a week its been so far!!!

Im just gonna jump straight in and say please dont hate me but....

Im not going IP.

Now i was very tempted to write that in small lettering, but then i thought... F*CK it! i made a decision, it was hard as hell. but im proud of myself for doing it!

I have spent the past few days tearing my hair out trying to figure out what the best path for me is, shud i just drop everything and go IP? shud i hang in there, give this another shot and then reasses in april and do the IOP thing?

ARGHHHGHGH!!!!

well. i made a choice.

It might not be the right one, but its the best one for me right now... The pressure that i was feeling about choosing NOW whether i shud go in or not, the fact that i had a time limit to decide, the fact that i was stressing so much about the consequences of my job, being away etc... was alos not helpful. I dont want to put myself in a situation that i am uncomfortable with, whats the point in that!?! as if i wouldnt have enough stress and anxiety in there, i dont need any added extras....

Plus, i have been feeling so much more positive now that ive got back into a routine. I eat better at school, no doubts there. But i also feel like i have purpose, y'know? before i tend to coast along, not really doing much, not having a social life, not feeling happy with myself but not knowing quite how to change things.... when im at school, i feel ALIVE. i feel like those kids need me (haha!) like they value my opinion and enjoy my presence... its an overwhelmingly motivational feeling!!! (seriously, they shud make you teach kids for therapy!)

Okaaaaay, maybe not!

it does tend to raise the stress levels somewhat, but you get my drift :-p

So thankyou all for your incredible messages of support and advice, i read thru each and every one and felt so thankful that i have such wonderful people in my life :-) But i had to make this decision, this step towards my OWN recovery.... Not letting myself give up the fight in favour of hat i believed to be the idea of a nice cushy "let someone else do the hard work" recovery.

If i went IP for a month, yeah, id gain more weight than i probably will at home, but i would still then have to come home and continue the process here. better that i tackle it here and now, DEAL with the issues that i have with my routines and my control rather than run away from them and then face them all when i come back.... i cant hide from it. its gotta be tackled at some point!

I know that if i can gain some much needed weight in the next 2 months and THEN go iop, then i will have a much better grasp on dealing with the mental side of this illness. My mum has agreed to be more of a "bad cop" than the softy that she really is! She is going to be making my evening meals so that i am forced to lessen my control of what goes into my food, cos right now, the fear of not knowing what my meals been made with, unknown quantities of oil etc.. means that i get VERY stressed! but thats not normal! i want to be able to let other people have their fun in the kitchen too! I need to learn to share!! When ive gained, then hopefully, things will be alot clearer and ill be able to stand up to ED and fight back like the stubborn fighter that i am! At the moment, my brain is ED mush.... it just wants to stick with what it knows. My fear of the unknown is ridonk! which is why im gonna make changes.... cos the only person who can do that is me, right?! If i want things to change, i need to initiate and STICK to those changes.

I saw this quote today and it just spoke to me. I felt like i was meant to see this...

"Remember, you are the only person on earth who can use your ability"

(Zig Zigler)

I mean, HELLOOOOO??!!?!? that is EXACTLY what i needed to hear! :-)

So thankyou again lovely readers, and i invite YOU to remind yourself, that you too are unique and wonderful in your own ways, and you are the only one who can use your abilities for what you what. Make your own future, it can be whatever you want it to be... but make it YOURS!

Big Love

xxx