Happy Sunday y'all :-)
Have u done anything memorable with your day?? i always find that sundays go by so fast, i never seem to actually achieve anything... it gets to 5pm and i think (and usually yawn) "right, thats me done for the day!"
Its annoying tho, cos i always set myself out to DO something on the weekend, like paint my nails or sort out my wardrobe or any of the other good ideas for ED distraction... but inevitably, i end up either walking the dog, sitting on my laptop or stressing about food/ED stuff. Productive? i think NOT!
I dont want this post to be triggering to anyone, but im going to be honest okay... so bear with me!
OK, so weekends = struggle. Im an "on-the-go" person, with AND without ED's influence. I have always been an active person, i like the feeling of having things to do... but this doesnt end up leaving me much time to reflect on my thoughts. Which is fine if you dont have any issues o deal wtih! but i do... yes, i ADMIT, im not actuallu perfect!!! (shocker!) So i need to give myself a small chunk of time to spend trying to sort through my jumble of a head! and weekends have become the time when i put my mind back into order after my busy working week...
Although its not a bad thing! One of my major hiccups is the fact that i am so consumed with my job during the week, it means that i put recovery on the back burner while i run around being "miss superteacher". Dont think this means i dont think about things, cos im sure all of you who have experienced this nasty disease know that living with an ED means it never leaves your mind... not for a minute. Its always there buzzing about, putting its ten cents in and generally being a pain in the ass!
BUT this is why i need the weekends to try and rationalise some of the thoughts i have during the week and also to process my therapy sessions.
I used to have therapy on a monday, which was good in terms of "here goes a new week!" but it didnt really give me much time to think about what we went thru in session cos i wud then launch into my week and forget about it! Now im trying to have my appts on a friday after school so that i can try and get motivated for the weekends (which are my bigtime struggle) and have a chance to think thru some of the stuff said. i hope this will help me, cos right now... i need the help i can get! I might have already said, but my therapist is worried about my complacency with regards to recovery... he says that unless i start showing progression and get my weight moving again instead of just maintaining at such a low weight, then therapy is pointless and i will have to stop seeing him. If that happens then its either a) admit im not making any progress and admit myself ip, or b) go it solo.... as in ALONEO, no support, no therapy, nada. (lets just say, im not to enamoured with that option!)
So this week my T set me the task of "making my cals count"... Cos i do eat! maybe not the things i need to (i need to ease up on the fruit/veg and up the carbs/fats) but i obviously burn alot of these off by being active at work and with all the walking i do (which it wud appear DOES count a hell of alot more than id thought!) So i need to either restrict my exercise and therefore not burn anything off... or eat more to make up for those cals burned.
Its not rocket science, but its damn hard when you've got yourself wedged into a routine SO deep that you cant see the top. But if im gonna get out, i need to start climbing...
Im going to start by setting myself the target of what i DO eat, without exercise... so if i burn it off, instead of leaving it at that, i will have to EAT BACK those lost cals. This is a start at least. then if i can do that, i can start to increase my intake, bit by bit... i dont wanna freak out and go back to square one! But every week i will reasses and make sure that im on track, so that i can eventually reach my aim of hitting 2500 cals a day.
Now i was supposed to start this on sat, after my T session on friday... but what do you know. i didnt. I find it incredbly hard to eat when im on my own, if im not hungry i just dont bother, which is awful i know. and this is why weekends are so hard for me, cos my mum works away all weekend and i end up feeling bad for being less active, but yet unable to bring myself to use the time to make tasty food. If someone were there with me, im sure it'd be much easier... ED wouldnt like it, but at least id be tackling it head on.
So from TOMO, i start a new week. a week of monitering what im doing so that i dont just coast by again, these weeks are flying by and im not using the time i have. Easter will be here in the blink of an eye, and then summer after that... i want to have a proper summer this year, hanging out with my friends, being silly and having fun. NOT hiding behind long sleeved tops and passing on summertime activities cos i dont feel confident enough. Noooo, last summer was a wakeup call, and i DO NOT want a repeat of that! If this trickles on any longer, then i will have to reconsider ip as a way to at least get my weight UP and then continue progress at home.
I am def going to do the IOP thing in april (if its up and running by then... fingers crossed people!!!) but i dont want to let ED use that as an excuse to waste the next two months in "preparation" for that. So im calling on you guys, you wonderful, caring, supportive friends out there, HOLD ME TO IT!!!!
okay?!?!
seriously, even if i bitch and moan....
i need this!
and u know i'll thank u for it!
....i always mind my p's & q's
:-p
I would say "wish me luck" but this isnt about being lucky, this is about putting in hard graft!!! Its about making myself do something that im probably not going to like much. But hey... if somethings worth having, its worth fighting for....
here goes
xxx
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