jampacked

Hello lovelies!

I hope you had a fantabulous bank holiday weekend wherever you are (or just a regular weekend if your not in the uk!)

Can i confess that i didnt actually realise it was a bank holiday until i asked why so many people weren't at work on a monday and my friend was like "are you kidding me with this!?" Hmm. i guess i get a little wrapped up in teacherdom and i forget that most people work regular weeks without a half term break like us!! i knew all the KIDS would be out of school, but i forgot about the rest of the population :-p hehe.

Still, i made the most of the day and tripped to this local festival with my buddies for a day of sitting in a field, chilling and listening to music. NOT BAD!!!

festival fun: especially from the thumbs up man in the corner!

And to top it all off, it was way sunny! the forecast was for rain but we had blazing heat all day (luckily until i got in the door that evening and it bucketed it down! But by then i was safely in the door and away from the dark cold wet outdoors.... Mwhahahaha.

dont you just love it when that happens!?

Back to the festival tho, it was really nice to be outdoors and relaxing... usually if im outside its walking somewhere and not just sitting in the sun. It felt good to soak up some vitamin D :-) and as we were talking away, we got on the topic of healthyness. One of my friends is literally, the unhealthiest guy you know! he smokes, he drinks, he eats the dodgiest food (if you can class it food! he regularly has microwave burgers for breakfast... EWW!) and he takes no exercise... yet he is SUPER skinny and always has been. but is he healthy?! hells no! But it hasnt affected his shape, cos that is his genetic build....

SO, it got me to thinking about how our bodies are all individual. they are the way they are because thats how theyre meant to be... GENETICALLY! that is, unless you mess about with them and then they get all unhappy and skew-whiff :-(

I was looking around at all the people at the festival (and there were ALOT!) and the thing i noticed was that most of the people that stood out to me as attractive, were NOT superskinny! Its weird, i dont find the superskinny look attractive, i dont like how I look thats for sure! But even tho most of them were slim, they still had little bellies. Now this is my freakout area, cos i always want a flat toned stomach, but with my digestive issues and such, its often very hard to get a flat stomach cos im usually bloated with air... so even at my lowest weight i could still have a little popbelly, i just teamed it with stick legs and arms... But these girls HAD little bellies, and it wasnt scary... it looked cute and soft and proportioned! Sure if i asked them im sure they'd all say they wanted a flatter tum. but you know what, i think what they sacrificed in not having scary leanne rimes abs, they made up for with the smiles on their faces....

NEWSFLASH:

CONFIDENCE IS SEXIER THAN KILLER ABS PEOPLE!!!!

and also WAY nicer in my books! if i see a fully ripped person, im a little intimidated, if i see someone with a big smile... i feel like i wanna get in on some of that happy! So when i looked at myself, wearing a long sleeved top (cos i hate my arms) Still hiding and being self-concious, i thought... thats not cute! Im getting there... i was wearing a skirt (ive recently braved the legs out again, i was too paranoid before, but hey... they look equally scary in trousers so frankly, who cares!) im trying to find a better side of healthy, not one dictated by diet and excercise. but one that listens to my body aswell as doing a bit of what i want when i want... Its hard, but i just need to remind myself that you dont have to exercise/eat superclean to be happy, healthy and NORMAL!

After all....

my body is the way it is because thats how i was made!

Now i just have to stop being an ass and let it do what it does best... helping me to live.

Jeez, why did i ever try and take my body's understanding of what it needs into my own hands, its clearly WAAAAAY to scientific a job to undertake solo!

What did you get upto this weekend?

Have you ever body-checked other people?!?

Its funny how sometimes the thing thats the most attractive about people is one of the things that people fear the most... being NORMAL!!

Take it easy breezy peeps and ill be sure to keep you updated on how this crazy week off goes... Im trying to fit in as much as poss! So no doubt that means i can predict a more tired me by the end of the week than when im at work!

oh well....

x

sitting saturday

Howdy peeps.

Today has been a funny old day, i finished school for half term yest and BOY is it nice to have a bit of a break (even if it is only a week... im embracing it!)

But back to front first eh, lets recap the week. It feels like only yesterday i was writing my last post and i just checked and it was MONDAY!

say whaaaaa?!

i NEED this watch

it sums up my life in time exactly!

This week has been hardcore, getting stuff sorted at school and making sure all my pupils are prepped and ready for the exam week which starts as soon as they get back from half term. Its crazy how fast this term or even this YEAR has gone by.... its only 5weeks till i break up for the summer and then i go to AMERICA! gosh, i am so excited i cannot even tell you :-p

fly me now

I was looking forwards to this break because im feeling alot more confident in myself now that i dont feel like i have to hide away anymore. Im confronting my ED behaviours and working towards kicking my bad habits and ritualistic routines. I find that once i get used to doing something, i find it incredibly hard to stop! I guess its the anxiety of change, but im not like that. I like the idea of spontaneity and i fully intend to bring that back, once ive got myself a little stronger and more able to deal with the ED fallout that comes from "breaking" a rule. Well frankly...

Rules are their to be broken!

HE knows it!

Hehe, im enjoying the feeling of empowerment i get when i DO manage to choose my way over the anorexic way. But damn that guilt is nassssty. Ive just gotta remember what this clever adventurous and fellow malteser lover said...

"guilt and anxiety can be overwhelming, but when you feel them, you know that you are pushing out of your comfort zone, and thats a GOOD thing!!"

TOO TRUE!!!

So, as i continue to battle through these demons... i will remember that i am doing this for a reason. im doing this for ME, for my FUTURE and for all of you wonderful people out there who have helped and supported me through this time. love ya's!

And as a little final update.... i gained again this week! (only a smidge, so i know i shud really get my cals up properly, but hey a gain's a gain!!!)

Now its the weekend and a week of free-time looms ahead of me. I know that usually the weekends and holidays are hardest for me. I dont work well when i lack structure and routine. BUT im determined to make this week count, i need to get ready for the big time stretch that is the summer holidays! Last year i fell hard and it was not a fun time for me. i promised myself i wouldnt be hiding under long sleeved tops again this year, i still have a little time... but i need to keep this fresh in my mind for those "eek, i cant do this" moments.

i CAN, i WILL, i WANT to.

have a fab weekend everyone :-)

xxx

someday soon

Happy Monday Chickadees!

Im starting to quite like mondays, its like a fresh start to the week... anything could happen! But then i wake up and realise i have to get my ass in gear get up, get showered, dressed and put my head on to start the working day :-p

Not that i mind... ive found that recently i dont dread getting up in the same way i did when i was forcing myself to walk to school. I genuinely LIKE taking the bike... but then again, i also like that im not sedentary. ive replaced one form of exercise with another and i dont think im ready to let go completely yet.

This may sound negative. and in a way it probably is. negative on my recovery anyway.... but then in a way its not such a bad thing. I mean, i am enjoying my journey into work, i am not restricting (i havent upped my cals yet tho... more on that later) but i feel comfortable with where i am. i dont feel like i HAVE to stretch every day, but i do still find that i miss it when i dont. i dunno if that is an ED thing or not, but i def feel that not having the pressure of "having" to do it every day has made me want to do it more! or at least enjoy it more and feel better about doing it when i do. meh, small victories!? ill take em where i can.

So all that is good. and the other good thing? ive gained....

yeah, good, right?

i dunno. im conflicted.

i dont feel FAT. but it worries me that i have gained 2lbs in 2weeks when i havent really changed that much. i dont MIND that ive gained... i want to gain! but im worried cos altho im not scared of gaining, i AM still scared of food. which then obviously makes me worry more, cos i feel like what if i KEEP gaining and not changing much? then i will STILL be scared of food, but at a normal weight. Gaaah!

Has anyone had experience with this??

I know its an irrational fear & i wont gain forever...

but i just dont really know what to do about it.

I think that altho i am eating consistently, i am still eating lots at dinnertime and not enough during the day. i mean after dinner, i have a bowl of cereal and then i literally snack my way through the rest of the bag... sometimes im not even hungry! but i do it cos im stuck in the routine... i measured the rest of the bag the other day and i had NO idea i was eating as much as i was... no wonder ive gained eh?! Now dont worry! i know this isnt necessarily a bad thing. but i wish i could eat normally throughout the day and eat the things i WANT rather than the things im safe with.

I am also still not eating as much at the weekends (i skipped lunch both days this weekend) This is kindof because i like the fact that then i can have a big blowout dinner, but its not the way to live. If i WANT a bigger dinner, i have it regardless of what ive eaten or not eaten during the day. Ditto with exercise, i do not NEED to exercise more to warrant having more for dinner. These are ED dictated rules, not normal eating habits....

So what next?? shud i set up a strict MP and stick with it rigidly so i know i get the required 2500??? but i find it hard to count every cal (hence i didnt realise i was consuming so much cereal!) or shud i try and just eat what i want WHEN i want it??? or will this lead to feelings of guilt and restriction? i need advice....!

In other news, i DID get the moped!!! but annoyingly, the one my sis got as a replacement for this one stopped and died over the weekend, so she's demanding this one back.... (she'd already been moaning that she didnt "like" the new one as much as her old one, so i really shud've seen this coming. basically. she's kicked up a fuss and presumably yelled at mum until she caved in.... so i get the "not-so-good" one instead! (when its fixed) which i dont really mind, if it means an easier life for mum... i know she's stressed enough as it is without her daughters making her life difficult, so ill ignore my sister's childish tantrums and help out however i can. if that means having a "slightly slower" moped, then so be it! its still a moped... im glad to have anything at all!!! i just wish my sister could see that sometimes, instead of always taking things for granted... im lucky to have such an amazing mumatron, who gets me mopeds and looks out for me! some people dont have that.....

Anyways, before i get all gushy and sentimental on ya's! here is a little piccy of me rocking out in my BEEEEEYOOTIFUL pink helmet. and yes i am aware that i look like a complete idiot! ill deal.

Safety first people!!!

:-p

Bah!

oh my LORD was today a big old bundle of fun!

I have been literally non-stop since i got up this morn, hopped on my cycle-mobile and pedalled to school! And can i say... FYI, i am a speed DEMON now! i love it, i dont feel like im doing it to burn cals, (altho ED does still like that im excersising, harumph)

Nooo, i just feel like im having fun! (altho saying that, i could use a padded bike seat if ya know what i mean, uh-huh uh-huh!! basically, im having fun, but my tushy says otherwise!)

Got into school and had to round up my little troopers, cos today we took the ENTIRE year 7 yeargroup to this smart awareness roadshow... y'know, the whole "drugs are bad... M'kay" type shebang!

But let me tell you, this was no boring lecture from a policeman saying, BE GOOD or ELSE.... hells no! This was like a mini-concert with special performers, guys doing backflips a dude doing stunts on a bike, a band and LOADS more! ive gotta admit, i loved every minute of it!!!!

Here is a little snapshot of the entrance, i thought it looked pretty tame and cheesy at this point (even tho the kids are entertained by anything if it is in a giant foam costume!) But when i walked through into the main arena area, i was blown away! (no pics, soz... it was pretty dark inside and there were a BUCKETload of kids from all different schools milling about, so i had to make sure i didnt lose any of mine!!!)

Anyway, fun was had.... and i am now one sleepy teacher :-)

Peace out people!

xxx

middle man

well here we are folks, let the MID-WEEK madness commence!

Now, i wish i could actually GIVE you some exciting madness here, but unfortunatly... i am pooped. So instead, ill just give you a little update on the week thus far.

What can i say... it started off pretty good! hehe :-p

the boy fixed my bicycle!!!

What a star eh?! he even managed it with my adorable little devil dog jumping all over him like some crazed monkey demon. She bigtime loves him, in fact thinking about it, she loves ANY men! she is such a hussy... seriously, give her a whiff of testosterone and she's like a energizer bunny on crack, she runs rings around them! We she did, loop the loop, all afternoon. We took her to the country park and she literally went mental. Then we made the mistake of sitting down on a nice bench instead of throwing the stick, so she jumped up and rammed the stick in the boys crotch. yeah, THAT'LL teach him!

I know this pic is a tad freakydeaky!

i wanted to show her when her lip gets caught in her teeth & it looks like she's smiling...

sadly in this, she just looks like abit "speshal" instead.

So since then ive been back at school and its just as been busy as i predicted. But im coping... i had another of those weirdy emotional meltdowns where i get home and feel like i just wanna burst into tears, i dunno if its to do with the walking thing. cos its always when i get home and i just feel so frustrated. so maybe its cos i know i dont want to be walking and damaging my body but i still struggle to let go? hmmm.

WELL, on that note i can share with you that i have aced the biking thing!!! I had to cycle in and back on tues cos of this parents evening thing (which dragged on sooooo long) but the main difference this time, was it was LIGHT when i left!! woopwoop!!!! plus i didnt have to walk the long journey home, i hopped on the bike and was back in 15mins! result.

im on FIYAAAAH...!

Now i know that technically i shudnt be doing ANY exercise right now, but im just waiting for my moped to get fixed up and pass its MOT then i finally get my hands on it this weekend...

i cannot WAIT!!!

But i have to say that i am really loving the cycling into work thing... its so refreshing to feel the wind in my hair as i whip by. It takes me half the time it did to walk and i dont feel so compulsive about taking certain routes and walking along the outer edges of the path to make the "longest" route (i mean come on, that adds what like ONE extra step?!?!) so thats a good thing. i think i am finally relaxing abit more. I have also cut down my stretches to every other morning. Cos i FINALLY got my brain in gear after reading lots of articles about how your muscles need time off to repair etc... and even tho ED tells me that its hardly strength training, just a few stretches and abs work (planks, balancing core stuff) ive realised that it DOES count, it all counts... so im taking it step by step. hoping i can the feelings of "need" so that its a choice rather than a necessity....

there are SOME good reasons to carry on cycling!

I dont want to exercise if it makes me feel down and affects my recovery, but then i feel like i will feel like SUCH shit if i dont do anything. When does "some" become too much? Argh, i just dont know!!! I initially thought i could just cold-turkey it... get the moped and STOP everything else except my day to day moving for living. but i dunno if ill be able to handle that :-(

So then i thought, well maybe i could cut it down to biking in one day, mopeding the next...But then I thought, is this even worth it for the mess my head will be wanting to do more if i do some....

what do you think??

Am i just drawing it out again, letting ED convince me that i need to do something??

Im so confused half the time.... i want to stop so that i can finally figure out what i need to gain and then what it takes to maintain, with SENSIBLE activity. i dont always want to be feeling lik i need to exercise to keep my weight stable. i want to do a normal amount, not always trying to add more.

Ive realised that this exercise compulsion and my orthorexic tendencies are alot worse than i first thought. I freaked out the other day about eating a white tortilla wrap, then i was like... what am i doing?!?! i dunno, i feel like its going to poison me or something silly! even tho i know i ate it before and other people eat it... i feel like i cant.

I dont know why i think im so different from the rest of the population. its like i see them have stuff and not exercise and thats ok, but i cant do the same... im not the same.

Did anyone else feel like this and get over it?

Sometimes i wonder if ill be stuck in this silly headfunk forever. i dont want to be scared of food anymore. i WANT to gain the weight and im OK with it! but i feel like this is really holding me back...

I keep seeing all these What I Ate Wednesdays and they look so fab! I hope that soon ill give up this silly ED and start living, eating, BEING again.

Till then peeps, i'll watch, listen and learn.....

Im still fighting.

NINJA STYLE!!!

supersunday

Thats right people, the sun is out (kindof, if you shussh the clouds out the way) and today is super! there are a number of reasons for this high accolade....

OBVS because firstly... its the weekend still! and we all love the weekend. Saturday is fun, but i tend to still be in "work mood", by sunday im chilllllllled. (well usually, unless i have a BIG SCARY thing happening, which it did but i was ok!) see numero dos

secondly: i survived the sister visit (woopwoop!) yup. i did good! SHE however was a pain in the ass! mum wanted to go out for dinner, but they would get back from london too late, so instead we thought... takeaway?! SISTER SAID NO. yup, she didnt want to eat anything other than plain fish and salad... urhhh HELLO?!?!?! (ring any "youre sooo not recovered" bells?!) but hey, thats her deal. its not like she doesnt have a gazillion other issues going on. i no longer have to upset myself by comparing. sure its difficult as HELL, cos as soon as i ok myself with eating more, she comes along, restricts and makes me feel guilty. but even tho, i admit... part of me liked that we didnt get a massive big meal, i DID manage to have my pudding and bedtime cereal, when usually... i wouldnt have felt comfortable! i wont let her presence affect me, there's a difference in me now. cos i want to be healthy :-)

thirdly: today i see the boy :-) And you know what..... im kindof looking forwards to seeing his silly face!

Have you got any issues with family members affecting your eating?

Do you compare yourself with people you shouldnt?

I think its something i will always have to work on, but at least i can rationalise that everyone is different and therefore what I need, will not be the same as what someone ELSE needs....

Hope you're having a super weekend!!

xxx

funny times

Hahaha, this afternoon as i walked the dog home, she found something that was to shape her life forever.....

A pinecone!

Ohmygosh, but this was not any pinecone. Nooo, this was the most amzingsuperfantastical pinecone ever know to man! (or so she thought) Man, she was LOVING it!!!

But anyways, it made me laugh. and it felt really good to laugh! so im in a good mood today :-)

Quite the change from my last post eh?!? Its funny how my moods shift from day to day. Im trying to incorporate more change in my routines... cos i think thats a major trigger for me. If something doesnt go "right" or how i expect it to go, i freak out and get upset, which in turn makes me wat to restrict so i feel like im in control again. But that just makes me feel worse cos i know im letting myself down. Gosh, who knew my mind could be so conflicted!

Anyway, i will have a prime opportunity to test this out over the next week. cos there is ALOT going on!! first off, its the mumatrons bday this weekend (yeeeeee, another birthday. HAPPY ME!!!!) so my sis is coming down again. she wants to go out for a meal somewhere, but mum is saying she might be tired after working and it might be easier to get a takeaway. both of these options make me go EEK! but the added factor of my sis being there (check my earlier posts if you dont know the background shizz on me and my sis's relationship troubles) So yeah. i want to do good. i want to embrace the change..... Me and the sis are getting on a bit better at the mo, so fingers crossed it'll be ok. but that is "internet getting on", as opposed to "in the flesh". its always harder when someones up in your face am i right....

personal space anyone?!?!?

Now, i figured since this weekend is gonna be a challenge, i might aswell throw in a little "no-excercise" to the mix. which means ill need to be occupied. ENTER: the boyf!!! im thinking instead of my usual power-dog-walk. we can go and take a nice stroll in the country park. feed the ducks, let the dog play with some squirrels... non-ED walking. much better :-) Plus im gonna try and get him to fix my bicycle too... hehe, WHAT?! men are good at that!

Then next week, my ED routine will face disruption-city!

Heres the itinerary:

monday lunchbreak i have a form-teachers meeting, which in the past would mean that lunch would be postponed or missed. well, NOT THIS TIME! im gonna have to have it earlier and then have a snack after. I CAN do this.

tuesday afternoon/evening theres a parents consultation evening from 4-7. Now these have always bothered me. i like to get home after we finish at 3:30 and do my stuff at home until eating time commences and the floodgates open! But i know that as a teacher, this is a requirement for my job. SOOOO i got over it, ive done 3parents evenings already this year... but ive always made my appts so that i am out by 5ish. Weeellll this time i cant. Its an open consultation time, so basically... i HAVE to be there for when the parents decide to "drop by". (personally i think this idea sucks big bananas. but hey. you win some you lose some)

So i will have to sit and do a whole lot of not alot till i can go home at 7pm. this will mean forgoing my dogwalk home and having to eat snacks there and not have ages to get ready for dinner etc.

So....CAN I DO IT?!?!?!

well, what choice do i have?! ED isnt calling the shots anymore...

Looks like im the one holding the controls!

Buckle your seatbelts people, this week is gonna go with a bang.... Its make it or break it time and ive gotta show what im made of.

Whether i like it or not!

is it weird that im kindof excited?!?

xxx

scream if you wanna go faster....

Gaaaaaahh!

No really, I DO!!! and no, its not cos i want to go faster.... i cos i just want to scream.

join me if you will?

GAAAARGHAAAGAAHAAAAAAHAGGHGHH!!!!

I seriously do not know what is up with me these days. Its like one moment im fine and good and then i will just FLIP out for no reason! (internally that is, dont worry.... i dont go around throwing rocks at cars or anything) I literally just walked in the door and was about to burst into tears, the last 20mins or so walking home ive been a mess (and not a hot mess either!) i cant figure out why.... im pretty sure its ED related (isnt it always these days) but i really want to figure it out, instead of just glossing over it like i usually do. Cos that wont help me solve the underlying problem, will it?!

Like today, ive been ok... normal monday. in fact it was pretty good cos usually mondays i have some really annoying classes and i end up getting cover in all my free periods and i just wanna curl up and die. But today, nope! all good. I even made it through a very "hands on" yr 9 art lesson using craft knives without anyone losing a finger! SCORE!!! in fact all my lessons were good today, which makes this all the weirder....

So here are the facts and im sorry if this gets tedious, i just wanna run down all the things that happened between leaving school happy and getting home and feeling like i wanted to scream and burst into tears.... bear with me! Im going to list possible reasons as to why this might have contributed to my freakout. and you guys out there reading.... PLEASE comment and put in your ten cents advice if you spot anything that i cant see, you guys are and always have been, the most supportive help i have!!! So i totes appreciate your feedback. believe it or not, i really dont want to feel like this, especially without just cause and reason ( Altho, saying that... even just coming on here and blogging has calmed me down abit, so you're helping without even doing a thing. how clever are you!??!)

ok, here are the facts... i leave school perfectly content and head over the road to mums shop. *STORY BEGINS*

1: Mum doesnt open on a monday cos she sorts her stock out from the weekend fairs she does, so i have to wait at the door for ages knocking until she realises, this makes me anxious. i think possibly cos ED doesnt like me to hang about waiting for no reason. Also i can usually just walk straight in, ED doesnt like change to routine?

2. I get the dog and we walk out on our normal route. She poos on the pavement (normally this bothers me cos i have to pick it up!! (obvs, not the nicest!) but ED doesnt like me to stop walking and do silly faffy things like poop-scooping.... this time it was ok, i have mastered the "quick-flick-doggybag-trick" :-p

So no probs there i dont think... at our usual tuning point i am almost at the point of overtaking a group of schoolkids, i would have to slow down to go behind them, or speedy up to get past. Cant do either, ED doesnt accept slowing down and "ambling" for other people, but if i sped up, id have to double back to get up the street.... so i keep walking up the street to the next road (this used to be the road i went up before i cut back on my walking) This made me feel guilty... i had let ED get its way. i SHOULD have waited, boo.

I think this is where things started to go downhill as i began to Qn all the things i feel i am doing wrong in recovery.... still walking when i should be sedentary, not getting upto 2500 even tho i know i need it and it will help kickstart my metabolism, still eating "safe" foods and being afraid that because i am gaining, that i am letting myself down by not doing it right.

As we continued our walk i had these niggles in my mind, what do i look like, walking about like a madwoman, taking the long way round when there are much shorter routes. YES ive cut down from what it was, but its longer than it used to be last summer when i didnt have the dog to walk. Why have i let it get to this. Why cant i control my life without having ED dictate to me. Why am i such a failure. Why do i feel like a waste of space..... WHY WHY WHY.

You can imagine, my head was not much of a fiesta at this point. unless you're idea of a party is self-pity, denial and general badtimes! (no, mine either... if im having a fiesta, i at least want a pinata!!)

I think another contributing factor might be that this morning i told myself i would get up and NOT stretch. it is a compulsion now that i cant seem to break. i feel stupid doing it, cos i have a pop belly full of air anyways, what good is a few toning exercises gonna do when i dont have any shape to work with?! But i do them anyway. This morning i set my alarm 15mins later thinking, at least i can lie in and get up relaxed and calmly. NOPE. i hop out of bed and do my stretches, just less of them! i know this is a start, but it bugs me that i couldnt just go without. i couldnt just STOP. plus i see so many of you recovering and fighting and doing such a grand job of kicking ED where it hurts and i feel like a fraud. I say i want this more than anything, but i still cant face up to my fears. Im scared that if i stop exercising i will suddenly change shape even tho i KNOW this isnt gonna happen. Then i hassle my mum again and again to get my moped sorted so i dont walk, but i dont realise that im pressuring her and making her feel guilty by saying i cant "start recovery" until she gets it. How selfish am i???? if i truly wanted this, i would be doing it regardless of having a moped or not, i would be eating more to compensate the walking... Argh! i feel like im trapped in a world of shoulda woulda coulda's and i cant just DO.

Anyways, i dont want to rant on for hours and hours. I have vented my weirdy emotions, i am calmer now and i guess i have kindof self-reflected!! (my therapist would be so proud!) Now im gonna go and eat my snack, cos surprise surprise... i havent eaten enough today.

Whats next people?? when will i get the strength to fight this demon without hiding behing my fears.....

(thats an open Qn, unless any of you ACTUALLY know! cos that'd be super helpful... answers on a postcard, the winner gets a pet hedgehog :-p)

Thanks for reading and listening and generally doing nothing but being fantasticly, fabulous, supportive, caring people!!! Im sorry for the garbled rant, and im UBER sorry if ive been a downer on anyone's day. But i had to get it out and to be honest....

i feel better just knowing you're there....

xxx

hey there friday flyers...

anyone else excited for the weekend?!?!

I am SHATTERED!!! i always forget just how busy i am during term-time. Its like the holidays ease me into a nice, sleepy, cant remember how to pick up a pen, coma bubble and then suddenly its like...

BAAAAM!!!

school is in session!! and boy, do you have to keep up with the pace, (dog eat dog... if you dont keep up, you're going DOOOOWN!)

Anyway, first week DOWN. and yup, im still standing :-p (just!) OH YEAH, i take no prisoners! hehe, oh dear... what am i ranting on about?!?! i think the sunshine has messed with my brain... oh no, wait.. its just cos its FRIDAY!!!! yeeeeee.

Altho saying that, their aint no rest for me yet, cos tomo we have a school open day. so ill have to show my teacherface and be smiley for a couple more hours till im FREEEEE and can "do what i ah want" :-)

So back to this week. I have no moped as yet. the mumatron has promised that she will try and get it down from my sis's in london this weekend so i can use it next week, i really hope she does tho... cos i find the whole inconsistency thing very hard to deal with. Like if i KNOW im not walking, then i can make peace with it in my head and shut ED thoughts out. but if i dont know whats going on and cant prepare, i get all anxious and ED chimes in telling me to walk more, eat less and generally being a pain in the ass!

What?! Too literal...?! ouchums

But the walking is getting better... im glad to say, i am feeling less and less compulsed to do. Its like i have got a bit more control over my thoughts and i can decide that i dont need to do as much... I think knowing that soon i am not going to be doing it as much at all, helps me to feel less like i need to do it. Exercise doesnt OWN me. i can say no...

I saw my therapist yesterday. First time in nearly a month! It was good to see him tho, we had a good session. I feel positive, despite the fact that i only gained about a pound since last weigh-in 2weeks ago. But i didnt expect to have gained alot, cos im STILL not fully comitted to recovery. Im still stalling and im not gonna pretend its not hard, cos it damn well is!!! but the fact of the matter is that its gonna be hard. Ive gotta stop hiding behind that excuse....

We talked abit about anorexia being like a mountain, blocking my view. All the things i could be doing are behind this mountain. Enjoying life, food, relationships... theyre all there for the taking. But at the moment i can see them, but theyre far away. Its like ive put them to the side while i play about with my big mountain, deciding whether i can face climbing it or not. Well i dont want to sit at the bottom procrastinating forever, cos eventually the mountain will be too big to climb and the stuff on the other side wont still be there. I need to keep sight of my goal and try to look to the future rather than always living in the "right now".... there is a future out there if im willing to fight for it. If not, it will flicker away and i will be stuck here. No ta!

my personal mountain... it may be pretty, but thats just a distraction!!!

I think because ED is so all-consuming, that i often dont see the wood for the trees.... im so wrapped up in the moment, what im gonna be eating next, whether i need to walk or not etc. that i forget that if i WANT to get better, i need to get my ass moving and climb over that mountain to get to the goodies on the other side... Nobody's gonna do it for me!!!

So here we are again, the end of the week. Has anything changed? Maybe not visibly... but inside i feel like im building up mental strength, im preparing for battle and ED better be ready! I havent been much of a threat up to now, but im not a quitter!

i WILL get past this.

so thankyou all for sticking by me...

you make this thing we call life worth fighting for

:-)

monday funday, tuesday... bluesday?!?

UH-OH... time is flying by again.

Can someone please press pause, i need to catch my breath a minute!!!

This weekend has been good times a plenty (with a few sad'uns too, just to balance out....)

I went upto london for my last weekend with my american girls and as usual, we had a blast. But this time it was special, cos it was the last blast (at least for a while) so it felt like i wanted to soak up every minute!

Saying goodbye is always hard, but its not so much a goodbye.... as a see ya later! They have helped me sooo much, i feel like me again. Sure i still have alot of issues and im far from recovered... but i feel abit more human. i feel like ive found myself again, its made me want more from life.... and its made me want to kick this ED for good!

So, i have been running with this new social me and hanging out with my home-friends alot more lately too. I still feel bad for always bailing out on them, but im making steps to re-joining the group. I still find it hard to be with the whole group, cos so many changes have happened since i was a genuine member of the "group".... so i feel kindof like i dont belong anymore. But hanging with my boys yesterday and then going to the cinema today made me realise, that they still like me for me. cos i AM still me!!! and instead of being scared of going to our old haunts and feeling different. it felt good!!! it was like old-times, i hope we can do more stuff now that im feeling more confident. i just worry abit cos i started to feel abit like "i wasnt really sick"... cos if im going out and doing stuff and i dont feel like people arent staring at me and thinking how thin i look, then i cant be sick right?!?! WRONG. clearly im still very distorted in my perception of myself. its like when im not in my ED slump, i think im free of it. but im not cos im still restricting, still exercising and still thinking about it. It still dominates my thoughts constantly and i feel like im still prioritising it, but just making it fit into more things. like today, i had breakfast late, as i was rushing to get ready, so i didnt have lunch. but id already done my morning stretches and rushed to the supermarket so mum didnt have to when she came home late and tired, so i had been on the go all morning with nothing fuelling me.... not good! but then again, i use this as an excuse not to be thinking about eating more and moving less (which freaks me out) so by helping others again, im avoiding helping myself. this is a BIG PROBLEM for me.

So even tho id been active all morning and yes, had breakfast... but no lunch. i was feeling guilty for sitting in a cinema screen watching a film when i shud be moving. GAH its so annoying! ive been telling myself ill cut down to just 30mins walking a day. but i have yet to conquer this. I have been telling myself its cos i havent got the moped yet, but i dont know why im waiting. i guess im delaying it again. but what happens when i get the moped.... will i be able to use that without feeling guilty for not walking?? probably not :(

In the meantime, ive got my bike out cos i can cycle to work in half the time that i walk. but then ED hops in and says, well then thats not ENOUGH is it?!?! you shud be doing the same time (even tho its the same distance??? ED you are WHACK) so im trying to get over that. im sure someone said that its the same per distance, just that it takes longer to walk. but to me, time means more. cos if its shorted, then ED says it counts as less exercise. silly really.....

So, sorry that went a bit depressing there!!! im actually in a positive place right now, i just get upset that im so inconsistent with it. I will try harder this week as im back to work tomo and i know ill be more active so ill need to eat more. Im getting better at eating my full 3 meals and snacks. but i DO still feel guilt at eating more (especially after ive scarfed 5 bowls of cereal as a bedtime snack) but hey, this is how it goes....

Nobody said recovery was easy!

cos if it was, i probably wouldnt be challenging myself properly....

But damn. its hard work!

I have therapy on thurs, which means weigh-in too.... its been two weeks since my last sesh, so im interested to see whats going down weight wise. But i know i need to start upping my game in this, cos i dont have much to talk about if i havent tried to do anything. which is WHY they said, if i keep stalling, then it wont be much use carrying on with therapy. I need to give him something to work with, otherwise im not going anywhere. I need to do the things that scare me rather than hide away from them.

being a scaredy-cat hasnt gotten me anywhere so far

clearly its time to take a risk....

im saddled up...global ED-domination, here i come!!!