scream if you wanna go faster....

Gaaaaaahh!

No really, I DO!!! and no, its not cos i want to go faster.... i cos i just want to scream.

join me if you will?

GAAAARGHAAAGAAHAAAAAAHAGGHGHH!!!!

I seriously do not know what is up with me these days. Its like one moment im fine and good and then i will just FLIP out for no reason! (internally that is, dont worry.... i dont go around throwing rocks at cars or anything) I literally just walked in the door and was about to burst into tears, the last 20mins or so walking home ive been a mess (and not a hot mess either!) i cant figure out why.... im pretty sure its ED related (isnt it always these days) but i really want to figure it out, instead of just glossing over it like i usually do. Cos that wont help me solve the underlying problem, will it?!

Like today, ive been ok... normal monday. in fact it was pretty good cos usually mondays i have some really annoying classes and i end up getting cover in all my free periods and i just wanna curl up and die. But today, nope! all good. I even made it through a very "hands on" yr 9 art lesson using craft knives without anyone losing a finger! SCORE!!! in fact all my lessons were good today, which makes this all the weirder....

So here are the facts and im sorry if this gets tedious, i just wanna run down all the things that happened between leaving school happy and getting home and feeling like i wanted to scream and burst into tears.... bear with me! Im going to list possible reasons as to why this might have contributed to my freakout. and you guys out there reading.... PLEASE comment and put in your ten cents advice if you spot anything that i cant see, you guys are and always have been, the most supportive help i have!!! So i totes appreciate your feedback. believe it or not, i really dont want to feel like this, especially without just cause and reason ( Altho, saying that... even just coming on here and blogging has calmed me down abit, so you're helping without even doing a thing. how clever are you!??!)

ok, here are the facts... i leave school perfectly content and head over the road to mums shop. *STORY BEGINS*

1: Mum doesnt open on a monday cos she sorts her stock out from the weekend fairs she does, so i have to wait at the door for ages knocking until she realises, this makes me anxious. i think possibly cos ED doesnt like me to hang about waiting for no reason. Also i can usually just walk straight in, ED doesnt like change to routine?

2. I get the dog and we walk out on our normal route. She poos on the pavement (normally this bothers me cos i have to pick it up!! (obvs, not the nicest!) but ED doesnt like me to stop walking and do silly faffy things like poop-scooping.... this time it was ok, i have mastered the "quick-flick-doggybag-trick" :-p

So no probs there i dont think... at our usual tuning point i am almost at the point of overtaking a group of schoolkids, i would have to slow down to go behind them, or speedy up to get past. Cant do either, ED doesnt accept slowing down and "ambling" for other people, but if i sped up, id have to double back to get up the street.... so i keep walking up the street to the next road (this used to be the road i went up before i cut back on my walking) This made me feel guilty... i had let ED get its way. i SHOULD have waited, boo.

I think this is where things started to go downhill as i began to Qn all the things i feel i am doing wrong in recovery.... still walking when i should be sedentary, not getting upto 2500 even tho i know i need it and it will help kickstart my metabolism, still eating "safe" foods and being afraid that because i am gaining, that i am letting myself down by not doing it right.

As we continued our walk i had these niggles in my mind, what do i look like, walking about like a madwoman, taking the long way round when there are much shorter routes. YES ive cut down from what it was, but its longer than it used to be last summer when i didnt have the dog to walk. Why have i let it get to this. Why cant i control my life without having ED dictate to me. Why am i such a failure. Why do i feel like a waste of space..... WHY WHY WHY.

You can imagine, my head was not much of a fiesta at this point. unless you're idea of a party is self-pity, denial and general badtimes! (no, mine either... if im having a fiesta, i at least want a pinata!!)

I think another contributing factor might be that this morning i told myself i would get up and NOT stretch. it is a compulsion now that i cant seem to break. i feel stupid doing it, cos i have a pop belly full of air anyways, what good is a few toning exercises gonna do when i dont have any shape to work with?! But i do them anyway. This morning i set my alarm 15mins later thinking, at least i can lie in and get up relaxed and calmly. NOPE. i hop out of bed and do my stretches, just less of them! i know this is a start, but it bugs me that i couldnt just go without. i couldnt just STOP. plus i see so many of you recovering and fighting and doing such a grand job of kicking ED where it hurts and i feel like a fraud. I say i want this more than anything, but i still cant face up to my fears. Im scared that if i stop exercising i will suddenly change shape even tho i KNOW this isnt gonna happen. Then i hassle my mum again and again to get my moped sorted so i dont walk, but i dont realise that im pressuring her and making her feel guilty by saying i cant "start recovery" until she gets it. How selfish am i???? if i truly wanted this, i would be doing it regardless of having a moped or not, i would be eating more to compensate the walking... Argh! i feel like im trapped in a world of shoulda woulda coulda's and i cant just DO.

Anyways, i dont want to rant on for hours and hours. I have vented my weirdy emotions, i am calmer now and i guess i have kindof self-reflected!! (my therapist would be so proud!) Now im gonna go and eat my snack, cos surprise surprise... i havent eaten enough today.

Whats next people?? when will i get the strength to fight this demon without hiding behing my fears.....

(thats an open Qn, unless any of you ACTUALLY know! cos that'd be super helpful... answers on a postcard, the winner gets a pet hedgehog :-p)

Thanks for reading and listening and generally doing nothing but being fantasticly, fabulous, supportive, caring people!!! Im sorry for the garbled rant, and im UBER sorry if ive been a downer on anyone's day. But i had to get it out and to be honest....

i feel better just knowing you're there....

xxx