someday soon

Happy Monday Chickadees!

Im starting to quite like mondays, its like a fresh start to the week... anything could happen! But then i wake up and realise i have to get my ass in gear get up, get showered, dressed and put my head on to start the working day :-p

Not that i mind... ive found that recently i dont dread getting up in the same way i did when i was forcing myself to walk to school. I genuinely LIKE taking the bike... but then again, i also like that im not sedentary. ive replaced one form of exercise with another and i dont think im ready to let go completely yet.

This may sound negative. and in a way it probably is. negative on my recovery anyway.... but then in a way its not such a bad thing. I mean, i am enjoying my journey into work, i am not restricting (i havent upped my cals yet tho... more on that later) but i feel comfortable with where i am. i dont feel like i HAVE to stretch every day, but i do still find that i miss it when i dont. i dunno if that is an ED thing or not, but i def feel that not having the pressure of "having" to do it every day has made me want to do it more! or at least enjoy it more and feel better about doing it when i do. meh, small victories!? ill take em where i can.

So all that is good. and the other good thing? ive gained....

yeah, good, right?

i dunno. im conflicted.

i dont feel FAT. but it worries me that i have gained 2lbs in 2weeks when i havent really changed that much. i dont MIND that ive gained... i want to gain! but im worried cos altho im not scared of gaining, i AM still scared of food. which then obviously makes me worry more, cos i feel like what if i KEEP gaining and not changing much? then i will STILL be scared of food, but at a normal weight. Gaaah!

Has anyone had experience with this??

I know its an irrational fear & i wont gain forever...

but i just dont really know what to do about it.

I think that altho i am eating consistently, i am still eating lots at dinnertime and not enough during the day. i mean after dinner, i have a bowl of cereal and then i literally snack my way through the rest of the bag... sometimes im not even hungry! but i do it cos im stuck in the routine... i measured the rest of the bag the other day and i had NO idea i was eating as much as i was... no wonder ive gained eh?! Now dont worry! i know this isnt necessarily a bad thing. but i wish i could eat normally throughout the day and eat the things i WANT rather than the things im safe with.

I am also still not eating as much at the weekends (i skipped lunch both days this weekend) This is kindof because i like the fact that then i can have a big blowout dinner, but its not the way to live. If i WANT a bigger dinner, i have it regardless of what ive eaten or not eaten during the day. Ditto with exercise, i do not NEED to exercise more to warrant having more for dinner. These are ED dictated rules, not normal eating habits....

So what next?? shud i set up a strict MP and stick with it rigidly so i know i get the required 2500??? but i find it hard to count every cal (hence i didnt realise i was consuming so much cereal!) or shud i try and just eat what i want WHEN i want it??? or will this lead to feelings of guilt and restriction? i need advice....!

In other news, i DID get the moped!!! but annoyingly, the one my sis got as a replacement for this one stopped and died over the weekend, so she's demanding this one back.... (she'd already been moaning that she didnt "like" the new one as much as her old one, so i really shud've seen this coming. basically. she's kicked up a fuss and presumably yelled at mum until she caved in.... so i get the "not-so-good" one instead! (when its fixed) which i dont really mind, if it means an easier life for mum... i know she's stressed enough as it is without her daughters making her life difficult, so ill ignore my sister's childish tantrums and help out however i can. if that means having a "slightly slower" moped, then so be it! its still a moped... im glad to have anything at all!!! i just wish my sister could see that sometimes, instead of always taking things for granted... im lucky to have such an amazing mumatron, who gets me mopeds and looks out for me! some people dont have that.....

Anyways, before i get all gushy and sentimental on ya's! here is a little piccy of me rocking out in my BEEEEEYOOTIFUL pink helmet. and yes i am aware that i look like a complete idiot! ill deal.

Safety first people!!!

:-p