hey there friday flyers...

anyone else excited for the weekend?!?!

I am SHATTERED!!! i always forget just how busy i am during term-time. Its like the holidays ease me into a nice, sleepy, cant remember how to pick up a pen, coma bubble and then suddenly its like...

BAAAAM!!!

school is in session!! and boy, do you have to keep up with the pace, (dog eat dog... if you dont keep up, you're going DOOOOWN!)

Anyway, first week DOWN. and yup, im still standing :-p (just!) OH YEAH, i take no prisoners! hehe, oh dear... what am i ranting on about?!?! i think the sunshine has messed with my brain... oh no, wait.. its just cos its FRIDAY!!!! yeeeeee.

Altho saying that, their aint no rest for me yet, cos tomo we have a school open day. so ill have to show my teacherface and be smiley for a couple more hours till im FREEEEE and can "do what i ah want" :-)

So back to this week. I have no moped as yet. the mumatron has promised that she will try and get it down from my sis's in london this weekend so i can use it next week, i really hope she does tho... cos i find the whole inconsistency thing very hard to deal with. Like if i KNOW im not walking, then i can make peace with it in my head and shut ED thoughts out. but if i dont know whats going on and cant prepare, i get all anxious and ED chimes in telling me to walk more, eat less and generally being a pain in the ass!

What?! Too literal...?! ouchums

But the walking is getting better... im glad to say, i am feeling less and less compulsed to do. Its like i have got a bit more control over my thoughts and i can decide that i dont need to do as much... I think knowing that soon i am not going to be doing it as much at all, helps me to feel less like i need to do it. Exercise doesnt OWN me. i can say no...

I saw my therapist yesterday. First time in nearly a month! It was good to see him tho, we had a good session. I feel positive, despite the fact that i only gained about a pound since last weigh-in 2weeks ago. But i didnt expect to have gained alot, cos im STILL not fully comitted to recovery. Im still stalling and im not gonna pretend its not hard, cos it damn well is!!! but the fact of the matter is that its gonna be hard. Ive gotta stop hiding behind that excuse....

We talked abit about anorexia being like a mountain, blocking my view. All the things i could be doing are behind this mountain. Enjoying life, food, relationships... theyre all there for the taking. But at the moment i can see them, but theyre far away. Its like ive put them to the side while i play about with my big mountain, deciding whether i can face climbing it or not. Well i dont want to sit at the bottom procrastinating forever, cos eventually the mountain will be too big to climb and the stuff on the other side wont still be there. I need to keep sight of my goal and try to look to the future rather than always living in the "right now".... there is a future out there if im willing to fight for it. If not, it will flicker away and i will be stuck here. No ta!

my personal mountain... it may be pretty, but thats just a distraction!!!

I think because ED is so all-consuming, that i often dont see the wood for the trees.... im so wrapped up in the moment, what im gonna be eating next, whether i need to walk or not etc. that i forget that if i WANT to get better, i need to get my ass moving and climb over that mountain to get to the goodies on the other side... Nobody's gonna do it for me!!!

So here we are again, the end of the week. Has anything changed? Maybe not visibly... but inside i feel like im building up mental strength, im preparing for battle and ED better be ready! I havent been much of a threat up to now, but im not a quitter!

i WILL get past this.

so thankyou all for sticking by me...

you make this thing we call life worth fighting for

:-)