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Sunday, 5 October 2014

the sun is still shining!

Im actually LOVING england at the mo... we have definitely had a good summer! i have been so stressed about the upcoming winter months and how my body is going to react. But you know what, theres no point in being scared of anxious, cos there aint nothin i can do about it! Winter will come whether i like it or not! So i figure i might aswell man up and start accepting it.. I dont wanna be a moaning grumpster for the next six months! so im trying to think up ways of making the autumn/winter time more exciting for me...

Any ideas people?!

Anyway, Im gonna look into doing one of those blog questionnaire thingys for the month or something. Cos i know ive neglected this blog abit (but its for good reason!) I do want to continue posting, but it will be sporadic as I am trying very hard to put myself out there more now that i am recovering from my ED. I want to live life and be present in the here and now. And sometimes that means stepping outside of my comfort zone... So when i think id rather sit at home and watch tv than go out and do something - i stop myself and question if thats the right thing to do. Sometimes it is, if im tired and need some self-care... but sometimes its just an excuse and thats when i need to put on my dancing shoes, and get out there!!!

so thats what ive been doing! I just spent the whole week in london working with my mum and catching up with friends.. im trying to reconnect with my sister again and im really hopeful that things will be better now that i am in a better place and we have had some time and distance apart. Also reconnecting with the boy, which has been confusing but worthwhile - i think finally, my life is starting to piece back together!

Anyways, here are some pics to illustrate the crazy of my life at the mo. I cant really do a full update of the past month or so since i last posted, cos i cant honestly remember all the things ive been doing! but its been fun! and i hope it continues to be so.... :)

Festivaling with jetlag a day after i arrived back from Oz. 
Interesting to say the least!!!

Enjoying the sun in my bestie's garden
So glad to have her in my life :)

Trip to cambridge...
...to soak up more sun!

Back to the beach... Sadly its clacton, not Bondi!

My beautiful Bubbins

Making wormy friends while helping in my friends garden

My babyloo in the park


So there you go.. a snapshot insight to how im living at the mo.. No more self-loathing and endless anxiety. Im finally feeling like i could be ME again. Its not perfect and im by no means recovered yet, but im happy. Im alive. Im ME...


...and thats worth smiling about!!




Sunday, 24 August 2014

you know what...


...Sometimes the grass ISNT greener on the other side!!!


I travelled to the other side of the world and spent a year living in a different country away from my friends, family and everything i knew...

And i am so freaking glad i did!

Not cos life was better over there (altho the weather was a plus) But because i took my life back into my own hands. I left a shitty situation and forged a new path... It didnt miraculously solve anything, i still have my fair share of issues and struggles, but now that im back - i can see things more clearly. I appreciate things so much more. I dont over-value possesions and prioritise my habits and behaviours above other people. I try and practice self-care. Its hard but i CAN allow myself to stop and rest now. I no longer strive to be the best or to constantly be busy so that i dont have to think about other things. Yes i prefer to be busy, its easier to deal when im with other people... but sometimes that doesnt happen and i have to accept that i cant rely on it to be okay. 

All in all, ive made progress. And i intend to KEEP making progress... it may take me time to conquer all my demons and i know that some may be with me for life. but they will not dictate my life anymore, my life is MINE and nobody else's!!! And that my friends,

Is why i'm happy to be home!


x :) x

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

uhmmm

IS ANYONE OUT THERE?!?!?!

i just realised how lame i have been at posting, espesh since Oz. But guess who just touched down in the UK again!?!

OH yessssss, the girl is BACK in blighty :p cant say much has changed, which is somewhat disappointing. but i guess the important thing is that IVE changed... and i think i have. Im not "cured" from my ED, but im taking faaaaar more positive steps towards getting my shit together.

Ive gained weight. well it had to happen eventually! cant say im totally enamoured of my new belly, but hey - i can wear tee-shirts again without scaring myself, so thats a bonus...

Anyways. before i set off on one of my epic rambles (i like to think theyre endearing? no?!) HA, but yeah. jetlag is happening quite noticeably today, i arrived late last night and was totally ready to see my comfy bed, but sadly sleep was slightly less forthcoming and i woke up at 4am and didnt sleep after. Poo.

I carried on today anyways - met up with my friend and took the pooch out for a nice sunny walk (i am LOVING summer time!! its winter in Oz at the mo, so totally welcoming the change in temperature!)

I think i will probs crash out pretty damn soon, since i actually managed to fall asleep for a full minute WHILE standing up earlier. achievement. im just glad i didnt fall on my arse! (at least it has more padding these days tho eh!)

I will try and get back on here in the next week and give you guys a full update, im going to a festival with a friend on friday so heres hoping the jetlag has passed and im more human by then! But if anyone wants me to answer any particular Qns, whether about my trip, or my ED stuff... then PLEASE go for it! it'd be nice to have a focus to my post instead of just crazy rambles as per usual ;)

Hoe youre all well and smiling out there, wherever you are! Cos right here, the sun is out, so believe me... my smiles are shining!!!

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

dunun dunun duuuuun

Ahem. That was supposed to be the jaws shark approaching noise by the way... did anyone get that?! Its hard to express in words ok!!! Ah well...

Guess who saw some SHARKS!!!!

So ive seen kangaroos, checked out the koalas... had an encounter with a dead possum that got stuck in our roof (and the less said about that the better...) BUT, i was yet to find me a shark.

Which, quite frankly, is simply NOT good enough. Im in australiaaaaa guys. I needed some fin fun in my life!

And since im aaaaall about educational visits :p I decided it would be a good time to take the lil boy to Sealife, so we could, y'know... see the life?!haha. Basically, it was awesome as balls and i cant decide who was more excited me or E (i definitely scored nanny points on this one :p) It was so much fun to run around, trying all the activities and doing what i love most, being a big kid! Yipeeeeee..

Here are the picaroooooos:



we were pretty excited to get inside!!!



checked out the manta rays...



penguins...


i didnt like the Spider Crabs... EEK!!!


Imagine that jumping out on you... Waaah!



the StingRays were beautiful.. 
its almost hypnotic to watch them swim!



a dugong and some other random big fish!



Oh yeah. Then there were the sharks...






Sooo many sharks!


The saw shark was my fave.. WHAT a cool nose!


there was also plenty of coral...


...and colourful fishies




E found an old diving suit!


And i found a big set of teeth.... Grrrr.


So all in all a very successful "happy-clappy-smiley-silly-arent-we-sweet, now-grin-for-the-camera, say CHEEEESE. and-then-its-over-but-YAY! that-was-fun" kinda day 
:)




Friday, 4 April 2014

lil bit....

Hey you guyssssss... This is a quickie cos I have a bigger post coming up. I have just had my BIRRRRRTHHDAY!!! ohmygod, i feel SO old! But i wanna share whats going on with me right now (i have started my nannying job) but im literally one day in & super busy - so ill leave that till i have more time :)

I DO however, want to pop up a few pics of the Barista training course i did!! It was soooo much fun! and even tho i dont like coffee (i know - im one of "those" people) I still had a great time learning how to froth the milk and make some latte art :p



the mess was necessary, okay!


It was really cool to find out abit about the history of coffee and how its made... i had no idea! In fact it was discovered by some monks who picked the beans and tried to cook them, but they tasted gross so they chucked them on the fire and they roasted... BOOM they realised that this was how to get the flavour from the beans and eventually - make that cwaaffee!


oh dear...!


My first (pretty lame!) attempts

...dont worry, i got better - See!


I mainly did it so that when i go off on the next adventure, i will be able to get a job more easily... Since coffee is a MAJOR deal over here, if you cant make it - your far less likely to get a job in a cafe.

i made THAT one!



Pretty cool dontcha think?! I mean, I was impressed... but hey, i didnt actually drink it, so it might have been terrible!!

Friday, 28 March 2014

sadface

Awww, the mumatron has gone back to the UK and i iz saaaaad :(

and its rainy which makes it sadder 
(altho how cool is that cloud!?!)

Im actually pretty amazed at the reaction i had when she left, i was proper gutted. like tears and stuff! Usually im pretty ok with goodbyes, probs cos i think anorexia numbs my emotions alot of the time so its all abit BLAH and haaaazzzy. But honestly, it felt like someone had pulled off my arm and thrown it across the ocean!! Ok, maybe thats abit extreme, but for reals - you wouldnt have wanted to hang out with me on wednesday morning, i was a hot mess! :p

I think it was partly cos we had literally spent EVERY day together (pretty much every minute in fact, since we were sharing a room and mum had no phone so couldnt really go anywhere on her own..) So unless you count trips to the loo, we were basically together 24/7! And when you spend that much time with someone, it DOES feel weird when suddenly they're gone... and it was even more disorientating, cos mum had to leave at 2am in the morning to catch her flight, so when i went to sleep - she was there - then when i woke up - she was gone. Ohmygod it was horrible!!! all her stuff was gone and the apartment we'd rented was all empty and quiet and weird!!! Soooo it was defs a good thing that id booked to move into a shared apartment that very day.. it meant i had to get out and get moving - which i did and maaaan was that better. A new place, sharing with some cool people. SORTED!

Anyways, as ever i have rushed to the end without giving you a peek into the before! 



Soooo, last time i posted the mothership had arrived and we'd spent some time by the beach before moving to Melbourne. WELL, we moved to stay with my mums friend who also deals in vintage clothes, but my GOD does she collect alot of junk!!! she was the loveliest lady ever, totally quirky and off in her own world but her house was like a treasure trove for hoarders! After a while we got used to having to climb over piles of clothes and stuff and it was actually a pretty fun place to stay... kindof like an adventure playground! and it was a good location cos we were close to the city but not IN it... we caught a tram into the city most days and had fun looking around galleries and having lunch in cute cafes, generally touristing it up until we headed over to Sydney.


street-art hunting became my "thang"...


a keith haring artwork - LOVE!

Now i love sydney, but after spending 5months working and living in a not-so-perfect environment at my last place... i was ready to embrace all that this amazing city has to offer while NOT stressing about work and flatmate stuff. So we decided that if i was gonna show mum sydney in a chilled, relaxed, AUSSIE way... we should be by the beach. and what better beach in australia (or the world!) but the famous Bondi Beach. hells yeaaaah :)

living by the beach is bonza mate

So we went online and found our first place, which was a shared apartment, through this airbnb site (which by the way, is a FAB way to find places to stay... apparently its worldwide too. Winner!) We were staying in an aussie guys apartment, literally crawling distance from the beach! it was perfect location, right next to all the shops and cool cafes/bars and he was a great host... Buuuut theres something about being in someone else's place that can be a little difficult, not that he was hard to be around - he was at work so not there during the day, but sometimes we felt bad for being in his way in the evenings when we wanted to chill after a days sightseeing, so after our initial couple of days booking, we decided to move into a sole apartment, so we could have it just to ourselves. It was a little pricier but not too much cos it was literally a one room studio.. so that was better, cos we could come and go as we pleased and it was perfect to have somewhere to relax at night... we'd eaten out alot already, so it was nice to cook some meals in the comfort of your own place! 

its safe to say we sampled the local cuisine!

And sooo, thats where we stayed until mum left... Aww. sadface again :( I miss my mumatron... it was SO nice to spend time with her away from the shit that goes on back home. I am so lucky to have this little stunner as my mum!


Seriously tho, I wish she'd had more time here, 3weeks in Oz is no way enough time... we didnt get to do half the things we wanted to! Australia is a BIG country, i mean ive been here 6months and i still havent really done that much. Ive only travelled to Brisbane, Melbourne, the Dandenongs and Sydney... Which is why im starting to think about what my next adventure might be... i feel like its time to move on from sydney now. Especially since its coming into winter and so i might aswell travel around and check out some of the sunnier northern regions! I have a nanny job booked for two weeks in april and so hopefully that will give me some thinking time (oh and in case you're interested... ITS MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK!!!!) haha, im such a bday person. i freakin love 'em! it doesnt even matter if its not mine-ill still get excited about it!! Anyways, thats the update as to now... i will post again when ive moved into the nanny place next week as im hoping ill have more time to blog, after ive dropped the kid at school - the day is MINE surely!?! (well till 3pm...) Haha :p


Anyhoo, i dont know if anyone is actually still reading this blog - as i guess ive been pretty inconsistent with posts! but hey, if you ARE still there... hellooooo! and i hope you are all good and enjoying my strange australian adventure as much as i am. its definitely a lesson in progress and self-development. But i think its doing me good! (i will update ED stuff in the next post too, as there is lots of ups and downs and round and rounds to discuss) but on the whole - im doing OK. ive gained some weight, learnt to slow down abit (kinda) and appreciate life. Its not all smooth sailing, i still struggle with eating when im not hungry and being less active, but im working on it. having my mum here was a big eye-opener... i never thought the amount of walking i did was THAT much, sure, the times id push it too far and id feel tired and weak i knew it was ED driven... but having cut back to just casual strolling from here to there, that was still more than she'd do! she literally wanted to take the bus everywhere and she STILL ate all her meals and a few cheeky treats too! So i guess i still have some work to do... which is fine, cos im no quitter!


Never give up, eh?! 
thats the spirit!!!

even when annoying people stand in your picture shot

So - take it easy squeezy peeps and ill catch up with ya's again soon 

toodles xxx