moving forwards vs staying still

but which one am i...??

Its so confusing sometimes to know what to do in recovery... what is the right way to go about stuff. it kindof reminds me of teaching, how when you plan a lesson you should have the 'golden three" : the should, could, would...

These three form the basis of differentiation between your pupils and a structure for what you want to try and achieve. So pupils "should" do this.... pupils "could" try that.... and pupils.... "would" achieve this...

Now I have been thinking about how this applies to recovery. Cos i know that I "should" eat as per my MealPlan, i "could" try and have more or challenge myself to have different scary foods, cos if i do then i "would" have less anxiety around food, gain weight and be able to restore my health and get my life back (phews... no pressure there then!)

But somehow recovery, much like children in a class... doesnt always run as smoothly as you would like. There are unpredictable moments that lead to diversity. I dont think it would be healthy to be TOTALLY regimented as it could mean you become OCD about timing and precision, which is something i have found myself doing in the past. If something hasnt gone exactly as i had thought it would, or things change... i find myself getting either very upset and anxious, or just plain ANGRY! i think the upset side is because i am feeling vulnerable and out of my depth because change scares me and the angry side is becaue i feel like ive failed in some way... like if it hasnt gone according to plan, then its gone wrong. which is silly, cos it just means things have shifted, there is no right and wrong!

So i figure, recovery is like a game of keepy uppy.

if only there were options like this for REAL LIFE!

You have to roll with the changes and despite things popping up in your way to throw you off balance, you have to try to keep your ball in the air without it dropping. Now lets face it, sometimes it will drop. But instead of giving up and stopping, saying you failed and not trying again cos its hard and you messed up last time so why bother trying again. HELLS no! you pick that ball up, pop it back on your foot and carry on! Even when you're tired, even when you think something is gonna get in the way, you keep that ball up. cos that ball is HOPE...

that ball is OPTIMISM....

and that ball might just be the way to get your life back on the path you want :-) Cos lets face it... unless you jump, how will you ever know if you can fly?!

So, "ahem" (formal voice....) in conclusion:

Sometimes its good to play with balls!!!!

(or words to that effect :-p)

Anyways folks, i dont have much to share with you at this moment in time cos things are pretty much samey-central... work, sleep (eat) its almost to boring to believe! I had a rough weekend where i ended up restricting AGAIN, which always pisses me off, cos i know i should be able to do this, but when im not in my work routine i just sink... like an anchor. that weekend "eat-less and move-more cos i feel guilty" routine is so ingrained, its hard to crack. I feel at a loss :-( So after another tearful "I CANT BLOODY DO THIS!!!" moment with the mumatron. We are back to discussing ip options. Now that i have discharged myself from my ED team and i have registered with a new doctors, im hoping maybe i can argue my case with them. I know the ED team said that ip wasnt an option unless i went in as and when they said and even then, they couldnt guarantee funding, but im going to try and see if this new GP has any sway... my old doctors were pretty useless in terms of my ED, i had to hassle them every time and even then they were lazy. SOOO, im hoping since this is a new surgery (and super high-tech!) they will be more pro-active and help me abit more (fingers crossed). My new patient appointment is tomo after work, so that is the thing im holding on for this week.

Wish me luck and ill fill you in on the deets when ive been!

xx

(no more) regrets

Man that was a whirlwind!

I know i always bang on about how fast weeks go by, but seriously...?! i got up on a monday and then in a blink its friday again. how does that work!? especially when i still have SOOO much going on everyday of the week, it just seems to whip by.

Still, another week down... so no complaints there!

I had a chat with one of my colleagues today cos she was off all week, her husband had a job interview in LA so they flew out to America and only got back yest. i was green with envy (as you can imagine!) i am such a lover of the US, i so badly want to pack up my stuff and head out there to live and work, but finding a job is so hard... Ive looked into the teacher route, but i would have to teach in a british american school, not a regular one... so the options are very limited. I have also thought about nannying, which i know is quite a common option for english girls wanting to move to america, plus id have the bonus of having teaching experience, so i could be a nanny/tutor? i dunno... If anyone of you have any knowledge or advice about this, id be super grateful... Its been on my mind for a while now. Im bored of my situation at the mo. ive been at my current job for nearly 4yrs and altho i love it (most days!) i feel like im not really challenging myself or taking any chances to travel and explore life and the possibilities is holds... i dont want to stay stuck in a "safe" job just because jobs are hard to find, only to look back in ten years time when its too late and regret it....

Regrets are something that have been flittering in and out of my mind lately. I dont like to have regrets... i think it leads to a dark and depressing place and since you cant change the past, why let it influence your future?

But i have been thinking more and more about all the time that ive wasted on this eating disorder, not to mention all the joy it has stripped me of. I cant help but feel like ive been cheated. I feel like aged 18, i had this whole exciting future planned. I was off to london to go to uni... i had loads of friends, i was social and confident and happy... and then BOOM. everything changed. it started off with me getting sick with M.E, i had to miss alot of uni and stay at home being looked after, amids visits to various doctors and specialists and far too much being poked about at with needles :-s i lost alot of the confidence id had so much of and i lost trust in both myself and others as i doubted myself constantly and didnt think i was worth being around if i was so unreliable and sickly. Im ashamed to say i did get very "wallowy" for a while... i had my fair share of the "why me? why now? this is so unfair..." 's

But it happened. I couldnt change it. So i dealt.

U cant keep whining forever, right?!

But NOW... fast forwards 6 or 7 years and im struggling with a whole other illness, which granted was somewhat influenced by the previous illness but obviously had its genetic pre-disposition already set up in my pysche. It now occupies WAY too much of my time and energy. And this is energy that i dont have to waste and because i keep this energy so tightly reigned in through a restrictive, less than sufficient diet, i am suffering the consequences. and it sucks! I dont regret what i have learned about myself from this time period... but i DO regret the effect it has had on my life and the lives of those close to me.

So what can i do about this?

I can try and rebuild the broken bridges, try to heal the pain ive caused people by hurting myself... reconnect with the people i turned my back on because i didnt want to be distracted from anything but my ED. But i cant do that on my own. I need to rebuild MY broken bridges first, which is tricky cos I cant fix myself by myself... ive realised that now. Originally i thought that support from professional's like a therapist and a nutritionist would be all i needed to "fix me"... so when my mum told me i had to get help, enough was enough... i thought OK, ill go to the doctor, hobs a good'un. But i was wrong. AGAIN. it was not as simpe as taking a pill and being "cured"... in fact, they reinforced my feeling like i was a broken piece. If i didnt follow my plan or gain weight, i felt like i was letting THEM down too, which put more pressure on me and made me feel inadequate... i couldnt even RECOVER properly, i was a failure. It didnt help that we didnt really address WHY i was finding it so hard... and so after what has been an 'up and down' year or so, i discharged myself.

So im still faced with the problem... HOW do i fix myself??? i thought for a long time that the answer lay in being stripped of all control and making someone else take care of me-inpatient style. But after a few failed attempts to get my mum to do this (bless her, she's not the most forceful of people!) i thought better of this! example:

mum: thats alot of salad... do you think you should be having that???

me: yup, i like salad.

mum: but salad wont make you gain weight will it...

me: nope. but i like it, so YA BOO SUCKS TO YOU.

(ok the last bit is an exaggeration, but you can get the gist of it there!)

So since i cannot actually GO ip, i am trying to be the stronger person for myself. I wanted to give the responsibility to someone else, but i think in actual fact... the responsibility needs to come from me. If i dont want to gain, i wont. simple fact. i have danced around the idea of gaining for so long, adding a little bit here and there and feeling like that should be enough. but you know what... im starting to believe what people say in that gaining weight is NOT all that easy. i mean, maybe for a normal person... they eat alot more, enjoy it and BOOM, theyve gone up a dress size! But when you live with the disease that is anorexia, it is ALWAYS in your head. so every extra morsel, every nibble, every DROP of food will be scrutinised in your head... so it is unlikely that you will EVER let yourself get fat. cos the sheer willpower that it takes to eat is more powerful that the reckless extra slice of cake or cookie that normal people would allow themselves to enjoy.

So i need to try and break through that willpower. When im at a better weight, then fine.. it can help to keep me in check. but right now i need to reclaim my independence and put myself more in charge of me.

When i can achieve this, i can start to fix the other areas than have fallen apart because of the bad habits i have lived with for so long....

Im gonna need a lot of glue :-)

half term update

Well folks, its nearing the end of my glorious week of NO work...

its been nice... Busy in parts, quiet in others. Happy and sad in equals. More than anything, ive felt the need to just sleeeeeeep. I swear my body catches up on the 6weekly half-terms worth of early mornings in one fell swoop :-)

I will try and stretch my brain back to what this week has involved, but its been abit all over the place (no change there!) cos ive actually done quite alot, or at least HAD quite alot going on. So lets think back.... yawn. urh, thinking is already making me sleepy. This will NOT bode well for monday mornings lessons :-p

would it be so wrong to impose a lesson dedicated to "sleep"?!?

Right, so last weekend was the sistermajigs bday. thirty ONE... ooooh its a biggie. past the big 30 and over to the other side. the dark side... hahaha, im so mean! i shudt laugh, cos ill be there one day and i BET i wont be giggling about it then!

Well the weekend was pretty much taken up with driving upto london with the mumsicle and then being ignored by the sis as she got ready to go out. Hmphf. Oh well, i wasnt in the party mood anyways, after a bit of a showdown in the local supermarket about my choice of dinner (mum chose a quick and easy ready meal - bish bash bosh. I, on the other hand, piled the basket high with various fruits & veg and ingredients to make something fresh cos heaven forbid i would just eat a ready meal like a normal person. argh, stupid ED, stupid orthorexia, stupid EVERYTHING!!) phew. ok. move on.

But despite a lacklustre evening, which included a VERY uncomfortable non-sleep on a cranky camp bed that i swear mustve lived and died in the war. it was so old and rickety, i would challenge even the deepest sleeper to try and get forty winks on it! (i have slept on STAIRS at a party before, im no princess!) So in the morning, i decided i wanted to make an effort with my sis... it was her BDAY after all. So since i knew mum had left early i went and sat with her while she opened her cards and stuff. it was good, we just chilled and didnt fight and i dunno... i liked it. its always better when its just the two of us and she isnt bitching or moaning or competing to be with mum or something. If it were just us two, we'd probs be alot closer.... but then again, we did live together for a while and that didnt work. she's just too controlling and possesive. i felt like i asnt allowed in OUR flat cos it was HER space. tricky....

Anyways, then she tooted off and i had my haircut :-) i have a love/hate relationship with hair cuts. i know i want them, but i HATE the "getting used to it" stages until it grows out abit... so currently i think i look like a 12year old boy with my graduated bob. but hey ho... its only hair right?!

I reckon this little guy begs to differ... Brrr

On monday the boy came to stay... and ill focus on this abit now, cos he came so we could wake up and be together for valentines day, which was lovely. Really lovely (see previous post) we talked alot about feelings and stuff... my fear of getting close and letting people down.... my ED stuff... food and eating and all kindsof stuff. it was soooo good to get it out. he really is a fab guy. he takes it in his stride and helps me alot, he WANTS for me to be happy, he honetly doesnt care if im bigger or whatever, he likes me for me. which is super cute, but something inside me STILL says that I need to be better, that im not okay unless im the best... Its like i thknk everyone else is part of a secret club where they know how to be happy and succesful and maintain their weight and stay fit and healthy, and i dont have membership... i dont know the secrets and im worried that if i stop doing what i know (ED stuff) then i will just fail almighty. im convinved everyone is doing some kindof magical exercise to stay slim and its NOT just eating healthy and having a decent metabolism. its driving me mad... i dont know why i cant trust myself or the things people say. trust is a big issue for me.

Food wise this week wasnt great. i know i babble about how hard half terms are for me, and i wont go on... but seriously. the lack of routine and set eating times throws me for a loop EVERY time. added to the mix this time, was that the boy really doesnt eat that much! he is more of a night owl, so when he is at home and living according to HIS routine, he will be up all night working on his music and eating when he needs to. So being on MY schedule, he didnt really adapt. He didnt have brekkie, just coffee and then had the odd energy drink or whatever during the day and then ate at night. This really freaked me out, cos i thought "oh he's healthy, he must eat waaaay more than me... he's a GUY after all!" but no. and i panicked. so since he wasnt eating, i didnt eat. BAD BAD BAD! by the end of tuesday, i was a hangry monster and i ended up asking for some space for that night while i sorted my head out.

It was a good thing, cos i shouted at my mum, booted him out and then had a big old cry...! and then i washed my face and thought "WHY am i feeling like this?" oh yeah, cos i havent eaten.

SIMPLES!

so i decided that that just wasnt good enough. i eat less over half term breaks anyway cos i get up later and dont do as much, therefore dont feel hungry or needing of more food (i know this isnt right, but its how i feel) So i cant afford to not eat when i feel hungry... that is just SILLY! so i texted him and said sorry for grumbling and explained that cos he hadnt eaten, i felt like i shudnt eat either, to which he naturally was like "DOH, i didnt even realise!" i didnt want to make him feel bad, but i wanted him to be aware... and i think that was a brave step. cos its alot easier to just stay quiet and not make a fuss about it, therefore not having to eat. but i dont wanna be in that place, i dont wanna feel like that again. it wasnt pleasant and i dont like being mean just cos i need a freaking sandwich :-p

who's a big scary sandwich?!?!

So the boy stayed till thurs, by which time i was pretty shattered! its not like we did a whole lot, but having someone with you all the time and sharing your space is full-on. i liked it, and i think i did damn well at coping with him being there and consequently not being able to do my usual routines and ED habits, not to mention NO MORNING STRETCHES!!! haha. (ok, so i did them on the days he wasnt there, but still... its a cutback of half, cos i only did every other day this past week!!!)

I know now that i have support and i can be open with him about how i feel and how things are affecting me. but i still dont wanna go too far. i dont want to burden him with it, cos to be fair... its NOT his fight. i know if he could, he would gladly trade places and try to take away the struggles that i face daily. He wants to make me better, but with the best will in the world, the only person who can do that and STICK it, is me....

but boy and i glad to have someone on my side :-)

Now its the weekend and im trying to keep positive, less walking, less stretching. Just cos my routine isnt obstructed by someone and things are back to normal doesnt mean it NEEDS to be back to the old ways. I know im gonna have to work hard to get my cals right back up next week, cos its been poor efforts lately. This sucks, cos its always harder to get back up after eating less.... but im comitted. i dont have the pressure of therapy weigh-ins anymore and whenever ive needed to up my intake before its been blighted by the thought of a weigh-in. So im just gonna go with my MP, eating more if possible. DEFINITLY no less tho. and trying to get the mumatron to supervise (or at least moniter) what im having so i am kept accountable.

I also managed to register with the new gp surgery this week, so i have to go and have my check-up and talk them thru my MOUNTAINS of doctors notes sometime early next week... the sooner the better in my opinion. they always get so fussy about all my specialists and doctors and tests and shizz, so its best they just look, see, freakout and then deal!!! as lovely a patient as i am, im sadly not the "only in once a year with a minor cold" type. My blood and digestive probles require maintenance monitering and thats before i get onto the ED stuff! haha. theyre gonna get to know meeeee :-) but its a good thing, cos this place is literally RIGHT round the corner, so i wont have to get mum to drive me miles to our old docs to see them all the time. it was getting to be such a nightmare now i dont have a car and they werent exactly doing a great job on keeping check on me. Hopefully this place will be alot more proactive in helping my recovery...

WOW, what a long ramble today! i guess i had alot to get out, its been a momentous week. new things, scary things and potential changes to be made.

I was feeling pretty blue this morning. i did some yoga to chill me out, but it didnt work so i went on a little walk to clear my head. I felt better (whether that was me or the ED who knows...) but honestly, just having a big long word-vomit on here has made me feel abit more peaced out! Ahh the power of the keyboard eh?!

Give yourself a pat on the back if you managed to dredge through this, and thankyou.... mainly because i bet your eyes are going wobbly right now! Cos here comes the weekend people. Now if you've been unlucky enough to be working all week, then RELAX! enjoy the days off!

if like MOI, you've had a week of chilled days and sleepy mornings, then GET UP LAZYBONES!!! its time to get back in the groove :-)

what are your plans for the weekend?

What are your opinions on my "secret health society" paranoia?

do you worry that everyone has a special "knowledge" about staying fit&healthy that you dont?

the L word

Happy Valentines day!!!

Im such a spoiled chick, cos i woke up this morning to a VERY appreciated lazy lie-in complete with footrub, an accompanied dog-stomp (its so much nicer than going solo) and a mahoosive bunch of flowers from the boy :-)

Lucky?!?! Uhm, i GUESS SO!!!!

what have i done to deserve this?! Im a self-confessed grumblebum, cynical and sarcastic... but im still a big girl, so present me with flowers and romantic gestures and im a happy sap!!

So im currently sat enjoying a late brekkie with coffee, papers (and the noise of the builders drilling and bashing....) Whoever said romance was dead clearly had never tried being romantic while being deafened by the sound of a pneumatic drill :-p

Ahh, soooo romantic!

I am feeling calm today. I havent been able to do my stretches, i havent got any "set" walking planned for today besides going into town to get some lunch and i feel ok with this... cos having the boy here and sticking by me, makes me see that he likes me regardless of whether im skinny or not. The person who hates my appearance the most is ME, and until i can feel comfortable in my skin again, that wont change... i dont wanne be skin and bones anymore. I dont want him to feel like he's hugging a skeleton.

note to self: BOYS LIKE SOFT GIRLS!!!!

Anyways, i hope youre having a lovely V-day, whatever you're plans are... remember that to appreciating love starts with yourself... you have to learn to love what you have, cos while you may only feel worth a little, someone out there will think you're worth the world :-)

xxx

slack space

Hi there snowbunnies...

Im sorry ive been abit quiet this week, things have been mad busy and sadly its not cos ive been out making snow angels!!! (altho i might have chased the dog until she carreered headfirst into a snowman and chucked a few surreptitious snowballs in passing) But its been work work work, as usual.... I had parents evening lastnight and that means muchos preparation for an evening of being hounded by a load of parents who seem to think its perfectly ok to extend their 5minute slot into a half hour babble-fest. GAH! timetables people, STICK to the timetable!!!

To top off that lovely evening, i walked home SUPER carefully on the dark icy roads (im a good girl!) and then as soon as i get home and fumble in my pocket for my keys i stepped on an icy patch and fell arse over tit to the ground... OUCH! it was a full on kersplat too!!! now the whole of my right side is uncomfortably sore and i imagine there's gonna be some funky bruisage to look forwards to :-s

But anyways, onwards and upwards right!? cos naturally the best way to cure a long old painful wednesday is by following it up with my favourite day of the week (NOT) ....thursday!!

Ill confess, i was soooooo tempted to pull a sickie today... i still havent shifted this bumcrack of a cold yet, so im sniffing my way through the week with a nose that leaks like a dodgy old tap :-p But im soldiering on, you cant fault my work ethic! which to be fair is greatly improved by the fact that as i woke up in the dark this morn.... its NEARLY half term... only TWO more days...

yeah, but clearly im gonna have to work to get to it! So i rock up to work and see that the cover sheet has my name all over it, an HOUR of extra cover on a day when i work solid lessons anyways (this is my weirdy junior swap-over day) so with the added surprise of extra cover, that meant i had NO breaktime, NO time to go out and stretch my legs and NO lunchbreak except for a paltry 20min excuse for a wolf-down as i ran between my morning lessons and afternoon registration duties. what can i say... if you dont wanna be a slave to the man, DONT be a teacher!!!!

Annoyingly, what bugged me the most (and is something im still trying to work on) is the fact that i get so anxious & worried when i dont get my usual amount of walking in. I know i always still have my 30min walk home, which shud be my maximum anyways... but cos i usually go into town and wander about and get my lunch when im at work, it really bugs me when i cant. Urgh. i start to feel lazy and fat and gross, which makes me want to start tallying up my calories and ED urges me to restrict. its silly cos even on the days that ive eaten WAY more, i still feel ok if ive had my usual amount of walking. WHY stupid ED-head, WHY??!!? its like i feel like my body NEEDS that movement to warrant the eating and i know thats the real head-splitter in my attempting recovery. cos until i can face upto that and prove to myself that its ok to not walk so much, then how the hell am i ever going to get over the fear??

Im thinking about having no SET walking this half term, only what i HAVE to do to get around (and thats not much if im not at work or have plans...) I feel like i shud try to just sit with the feelings of nasty, crappy, lazyness. Cos i need to face upto it at some point and at least ill be able to rant and moan and feel shitty without being at work... cos when im at work i can console myself that i am quite busy and active anyways, so im tricking myself into saying "oh im not doing anything" while knowing that i actually am.

But then i think how am i going to fill the days if i dont have any walking to do. it breaks up my day, it stops me from being scared of sitting at home eating mindlessly (urgh, enter cereal binge memory... please dont come back to haunt me!) what can i do to occupy my time and distract my brain (i have a seriously short attention span :-s)

Now i could go on and explore more of the shoddies that made today another one to resign to the pile of plop that i like to call thursdays... i dunno, like mentioning that hideous last lesson i dread so much or the fact that when i turn my head too far to the right, my whole body hurts... but im starting to bore myself with the tedium of my day, SO instead! i will look forwards, to next week....

Ah yes lovely readers, a whole WEEK of no work, which means no kids (except for the few that follow me around town amazed that i have a life outside the school gates!) no marking and some serious sleep catching up :-) i can already hear my electric blanket whispering my name.....

However, i have to get thru the weekend first... tomo shud be a good day and i imagine most kids will be excited for the impending half term, so no stresses there. Saturday i head upto london for my sis's bday party thing with the mumatron. Then Sunday i get my haircut! PHEW!!

So after another frantic week of madness in my somewhat crazy life, i have made it to the (almost) end of another week. WOOOOOO!!!!

I hope you're weeks been epic and not in a "urgh, that was NOT fun" kinda way! Ill be back next week with a more positive (i hope!) mood and a lovely new shiny (i hope even MORE) haircut :-)

Take it easy breezy, im off to colour the town red (well, by town i mean my SOFA and by red i mean, slumped in front of desperate housewives.... WIN!!!)

Embrace it people, theres no shame in loving the sofa....

i get my best thinking (ahem, napping) done there!

urhhhh

I have a cold.

Im already a good way through my second family sized box of tissues and my brain feels like it is trying to push its way out of my skull....

but apparently i cant be grumpy, cos its snowing outside!

this was taken at 4am this morn.... i couldnt sleep

but... Look Look!!!!

see the crazy dog run!!!

she fast :-)

snow is clearly no match for little peglegs!

Urgh, that enthusiasm took WAY more effort than i can afford to muster right now....

SO, official update folks:

its back to the sofa for some lemsip and my sky-plus recordings of new girl & come dine with me :)

And relaaaaaax.......

Heres hoping it snows so much that i dont have to go into work tomo

ZzzzZzz

x

skip ahead a day.

Sooo, this week has been a one day back kinda week. I keep thinking im a day behind!

I think this is cos at the weekend i gear myself up for a "new" week. a fresh start to get things right in terms of my recovery and my ED (Gah, it always seems to be about the ED... anyone else feel like this sometimes??)

I still havent got my weekend routine in place, so i had another not quite right two days of eating here and there but not having structure... mindless mighty mounds of cereal, just eaten standing up, out of the box, not even poured into a bowl :-s followed by the inevitable guilty feelings and then not being able to eat my proper meals cos i have snacked in between. Silly.

but it leaves me feeling VERY much like i need change by a sunday night. And thats when my motivation for the new week usually rolls around. This sunday was no exception and the fact that id had the boy over on saturday and we'd had a lovely time reinforced my desire to get BETTER and healthy... so when sundays supermarket trip to pick out our monday meal came about, i was ready to do some challenging :-)

AGAIN we left it abit late (id gone for a ramble with the pooch, the mumatron was cleaning up post-builder mess) and by the time we got there, the pudding section was non-existant. Hmm. What to do? We'd decided to try and have steak and chips as our meal challenge, but since i cant digest red meat, we settled on tuna steaks instead. But they only had massive bags of frozen chips at waitrose, so that was a bust too. we decided that our best bet was to get what we could and then make an m&s trip on monday....

WELL, monday came and it was one of those hella busy schooldays where i didnt have a minute to stop. LUCKILY, i had pushed my challenge-head abit extra the night before and made myself a sandwich for lunch. EEK!!! making my OWN sammie has always been a big scare. cos i dont have a label to tell me the total calorie content and when i try to guesstimate things, it comes up as much higher than my usual shop-bought ones and that scares me... So, i bit the bullet and made a ham and mustard roll with lettuce and onion. I tried to model it on my alltime LOVE, the turkey sub from subway. Mmmmm, me love. but sadly, i didnt have any DAMN PICKLES!!! i love them pickles and altho it tasted nice, there was a little summin missing :-p

Still, it was lucky i made it, cos i was taking my year 8's to the cinema to see warhorse (ohmygod, such an amazing film... yes, i teared up. ill admit it!) and since it was so long, we only got back with about 15mins to spare before afternoon lessons started. Hence the speedy scoffage of said sammie :-)

This did however mean that i missed my am snack (didnt think ahead) and didnt have time to have my crisps with my lunch. Not good. and since then ive found it very hard to get those things back IN... why oh why, must the ED relish taking things away, it makes it so hard to get back on track. and this week has been harder than usual... i dont know why, im just finding it more of a battle to choose the RIGHT path, the voice is loud and it wants me to save cals, walk more, stretch everyday... im trying to fight it, but it makes me feel very low.

On monday i got the chips for our dinner, skinny frites from m&s and i managed to get myself pysched up enough to buy some carrot cake for our pudding! but i was uhmming and ahhing for aaaages as to whether i wanted carrot cake or not (it was high cal and frosted.... uh-OH!) so i bought a packet of these belgian waffles too, they reminded me of when i was little and we lived in belgium, so i thought that would be nice.

Unfortunatly, the monday meal didnt come off as mum got stuck on the train coming back from london, so we decided to delay it till tues. fine? i dunno. it kindof threw me and i felt like id mentally prepared myself for MONDAY. but then i realised that in the real world, things chop and change and you cant dictate when and where you can eat your food. So i decided to make pasta instead (its one of the few things i can find now that everything is in boxes away from the builders mess!!) and you'll be pleased to hear that when the mumster got home i asked her if we could HAVE THE CARROT CAKE ANYWAYS!!!! hahahaha, totes my idea! i was pleased with that. altho it was a little dry and not all id bigged it up in my head to be. it was nice. and it didnt feel so scary once i just DID it. point to me :-)

So there you go, foodie update as to today!

Summary: i managed to pull through the tough times, but i am still finding it hard not to listen and restrict.

TARGET: to get my morning snack and lunchtime meal back up to a better amount (its still not even my big plan amount, but its a better amount than now)

hope you're all having a good start to the week... weirdly i prefer the first half of the week, im sure you all know by my constant RANTS, that thursdays are not my fave day of the week. but luckily friday is ok and then its the WEEKEND again!!!!

What is your favourite day of the week and why???

do you find starting the week on a positive helps?

I know its very ED to want to "start fresh tomorrow" but i do find that sometimes it gives me an aim... What do you think??

Is the whole "new day, new beginning" mentality flawed cos its just delaying things for longer??