moving forwards vs staying still

but which one am i...??

Its so confusing sometimes to know what to do in recovery... what is the right way to go about stuff. it kindof reminds me of teaching, how when you plan a lesson you should have the 'golden three" : the should, could, would...

These three form the basis of differentiation between your pupils and a structure for what you want to try and achieve. So pupils "should" do this.... pupils "could" try that.... and pupils.... "would" achieve this...

Now I have been thinking about how this applies to recovery. Cos i know that I "should" eat as per my MealPlan, i "could" try and have more or challenge myself to have different scary foods, cos if i do then i "would" have less anxiety around food, gain weight and be able to restore my health and get my life back (phews... no pressure there then!)

But somehow recovery, much like children in a class... doesnt always run as smoothly as you would like. There are unpredictable moments that lead to diversity. I dont think it would be healthy to be TOTALLY regimented as it could mean you become OCD about timing and precision, which is something i have found myself doing in the past. If something hasnt gone exactly as i had thought it would, or things change... i find myself getting either very upset and anxious, or just plain ANGRY! i think the upset side is because i am feeling vulnerable and out of my depth because change scares me and the angry side is becaue i feel like ive failed in some way... like if it hasnt gone according to plan, then its gone wrong. which is silly, cos it just means things have shifted, there is no right and wrong!

So i figure, recovery is like a game of keepy uppy.

if only there were options like this for REAL LIFE!

You have to roll with the changes and despite things popping up in your way to throw you off balance, you have to try to keep your ball in the air without it dropping. Now lets face it, sometimes it will drop. But instead of giving up and stopping, saying you failed and not trying again cos its hard and you messed up last time so why bother trying again. HELLS no! you pick that ball up, pop it back on your foot and carry on! Even when you're tired, even when you think something is gonna get in the way, you keep that ball up. cos that ball is HOPE...

that ball is OPTIMISM....

and that ball might just be the way to get your life back on the path you want :-) Cos lets face it... unless you jump, how will you ever know if you can fly?!

So, "ahem" (formal voice....) in conclusion:

Sometimes its good to play with balls!!!!

(or words to that effect :-p)

Anyways folks, i dont have much to share with you at this moment in time cos things are pretty much samey-central... work, sleep (eat) its almost to boring to believe! I had a rough weekend where i ended up restricting AGAIN, which always pisses me off, cos i know i should be able to do this, but when im not in my work routine i just sink... like an anchor. that weekend "eat-less and move-more cos i feel guilty" routine is so ingrained, its hard to crack. I feel at a loss :-( So after another tearful "I CANT BLOODY DO THIS!!!" moment with the mumatron. We are back to discussing ip options. Now that i have discharged myself from my ED team and i have registered with a new doctors, im hoping maybe i can argue my case with them. I know the ED team said that ip wasnt an option unless i went in as and when they said and even then, they couldnt guarantee funding, but im going to try and see if this new GP has any sway... my old doctors were pretty useless in terms of my ED, i had to hassle them every time and even then they were lazy. SOOO, im hoping since this is a new surgery (and super high-tech!) they will be more pro-active and help me abit more (fingers crossed). My new patient appointment is tomo after work, so that is the thing im holding on for this week.

Wish me luck and ill fill you in on the deets when ive been!

xx