camera crews and meltdowns

Afternoon y'aaaaall :-)

Uh, i am such a puddle of bleh at the mo... my moods are up and down like a freakin yo-yo, i cant seem to stay consistent with one feeling before i skedaddle over to something else. one minute im all fine and dandy, getting on with my life and trying to get some sort of a hold on this beeeeyeatch of an ED, when BOOMSHANKA, i switch to being a crying, snivelling, wreck. im talking the worst kind, the whiny "why am i such a failure? waaaaah my life is so hard i cant do this" kind. oh its self-pitying, its wallowy. and its altogether NOT cool.

Cos im really not that person. im upbeat 85% of the time. i get on with stuff cos whats the use in moaning, if you want something done... go do it! But this damn recovery is testing my limitations. usually if something was bothering me or was getting in the way of my happiness, id logically work through the issue and fix it. job done....

if it was STILL proving to be a problem, id seek guidance. Someone to help me fix it. again... job done...

But when something proves to be so hard and mentally challenging that i try and try and am still not succeeding in changing things, i get stuck. i get frustrated. and i dont like it one little bit.... (im an aries, just call me stubborn)

This is what im experiencing right now. i want SO much to be rid of this illness and the logical side of me knows what i need to do in order to fix myself. but the jinx in this is that my head wont LET me do the logical thing. it baffles me and tricks me and pools the wool over my eyes until i do the opposite, pulling myself into further trouble and frustration. WHY cant i fix myself? WHY cant someone else come and fix me. WHY WHY WHY?!?!? it all buzzes round in my head and i get incredibly upset with myself. throw into the mix the feeling of failure cos i am unable to do what i want, and you have a recipe for a big ol' pity party.

well guess what, this party sucks and im ready for some gatecrashers to shake this place up.

Recap to the docs appt. it did not go well....

i kindof got into my head that because it is a different doctors surgery and their new and updated, that they would somehow have a better grasp on EDs. well they didnt much. same old story... if i need help, i have to be referred to the EDU (yup, the ones who i have just been discharged from, those ones who did SOOO much before... hmm.) well that was no good, i said i wanted to try and go OP in the clinic in the next town, they said its either a referral thru the EDU (which they withdrew the option of, cos they cant do it during my holidays) or go private. so i rang the clinic and enquired about costs etc.... HELLOOOOO £5ooo for a week initially, then costs rie according to your needs. right then, thatd be a no! as much as i want help, i dont have a spare £30 odd grand knocking about!!!

So i cried and got all fed up and mum got angry cos she just doesnt get that when im down and need support, yelling at me isnt exactly the way to go. She said once that she wanted to "shout some sense into me"... yeah, cos my ED responds to loud noise? wouldnt i have just stood next to an airhorn by now if that were the case?! ive asked her time and time again to try and not use the aggresive tone of voice when we are discussing my illness but she doesnt get it. she gets so angry with me (or it) that she just gets more and more shouty and i get more and more upset until i genuinely convince myself that i am evil personified... im serious. my self-esteem generally is pretty good, i teach secondary school kids, if i didnt think i was ok and cope with the nonsense kids throw at you, id be ripped to shreds! but lately, ive been feeling like that is slipping bit by bit when im around my mum. i feel like im to blame for EVERYTHING. that im not good enough, that ive let her down and worst of all... that she is ashamed of me :-(

i know this is lies, fuelled by the anorexia. but it doesnt help that when i get upset or struggle, mum gets angry or sighs or says "not this again"... it just seems like this recovery is such a chore, that she thought id be "fixed" by now and the fact that im not is a let down.... ive tried talking to her about it, but she doesnt respond too well, turning it around and saying that i make HER feel like she's always doing something wrong, which i guess in a way i AM guilty of... but thats not me. its the anorexia. ive told her that usually, when i get angry or upset, its cos im hiding something.....

So, next step

what to do???

• i cant do this by myself, sadly...
• my mum is unable to be my primary support...
• my OP option is looking unlikely...

after another fight yesterday, mum rang up my old therapist (even tho he said he could no longer deal with me without my referring back into their care) but she did, HAH! she's always good at making a fuss on the phone!! so apparently he rang her back today and was helpful. WOWZERS!!! the last thing she said about him, was that he was clearly underqualified and a total eejit, so he must have pulled something out the bag!

Im waiting for her to come home now so she can divulge this helpfulness and fill me in! I hope its good :-)

In the meantime, EXCITING NEWS!!!! any of you fellow UK'ers will im sure have heard of a sweeeet little tv programme calld come dine with me. its only one of my all time fave shows!! anyhoo, as a joke (well kiiiindof!) i applied for the mumatron to go on, cos she would be TOO funny! well, long story short, she got shortlisted!!!! im keeping schtum, cos i dont know whether it will go anywhere, but last night the camera crew came over to do a filmed interview to decide whether she gets on the show... crazydays no?!?!?!

Ah it would be so cool if she gets this, not only would she be THE funniest person on, but she also a cracking cook when she wants to be. so that £1000 prize could buy some good times!!! (obvs i would only demand HALF for my finders-fee :-p)

anyways, this put a smile back on my face after a not-so-pleasant day yest. i also made a right prune of myself by accidentally walking downstairs while they were filming and doing a "oops, im not here" type shuffle out of sight. Clearly i cant keep away from the spotlight!

I hope your week has kicked off with a good start and i will fill you in on updates as and when i get them :-)