with this (jellybaby) ring, i thee wed...

i love a good wedding!

And yesterdays certainly didnt let me down :-) its always better when you know lots of people there and altho it wasnt jam packed with my mates, ive know the bride since i was a baby (she is the daughter of our close family friends) so i knew alot of people... i mean, our families grew up together, so i know all her fam... plus my fam were there and lots of the other people i knew when growing up. it was nice :-)

BUT, i did feel hella self-concious... its always hard cos i KNOW that they all talk about me, about how thin i am... about why i havent got better. it sucks. i feel bad and i feel like just curling up and hiding away. which doesnt get me anywhere....

I try really hard to not let that get to me and put on a brave face when people ask "how i am"... but it gets me down. i guess thats why i have to make the most of this OP programme. which coincidentally starts.... TOMO!!! argh!!!! scary shizz, but im determined not to waste this chance. im gonna be totally honest and upfront and get the support ive been missing out on in my previous attempts at recovery.

Anyways, back to the wedding! it WAS fun. i got to catch up with people, i danced, i even ate sweets!!! and i got to dress up too :-p

my outfit...

The service was lovely, not too long and dullsville. We took old school red london buses to the reception venue, which was soooo nicely laid out! we were in this big fancy room and all the tables were named after sweets like jelly babies, flying saucers, fried eggs etc... i was on the flumps table, better than my sis who was a fried egg! hehe. Each table had loads of those sweets on them which was a cute touch (annoying tho, cos im not a marshmallow fan... hand me the flying saucers anyday!) But it was ok, i went round at the end and picked up the good sweets :-)

As for the dinner, it was hard i wont lie... my mum had put me down for the veggie option, without checking if it was dairy-free. and, well it wasnt. it was a big old lump of risotto crusted mozerella balls. yup. CHEESE BALLS on my plate :-p it wasnt easy to deal with cos i panicked. but in the end i took the meat option instead... im not meant to have red meat cos my gut cant digest it, but faced with the option of that and the reaction i have when i have dairy... i took the safer option!!! it was actually pretty tasty! and i had dessert too, and copious grabs from the bread basket... what really spurred me on was the fact that there was a girl from my old school there. she is friends with the bride cos they worked together (she's a teacher too) and having her there on my table and KNOWING that she would be thinking "ohmygos shes so thin now, i bet shes anorexic" made me want to just damn well EAT. plus everyone else was so why the heck should i?!!? i always get sucked into the feeling that other people can eat/not exercise obsessively and enjoy treats but i CANT. somehow i dont feel like i deserve to have that luxury. i need to feel the burn when i move my body to know that i have "earned" food. its ridiculous and i hate it... but thats why im looking forwards to getting more intensive support from this programme.

Once i start to let go, i can DO it. but its releasing myself from the control thats hardest. when i had a dance and just had fun lastnight, i didnt feel bad when i had some of the sweets... it was like i was me in charge again :-)

On the plus side, i danced and had fun and let my hair down... which i rarely do. aaand i got to see my sis's flat all nice now that shes moved her stuff in. its so cool, all warehouse loft style with exposed brickwork and MASSIVE windows over looking the gerhkin :-p too cool for school. we had a nice time hanging out at the wedding (we always get on better when we are left together, with no alternative!) so i am really trying to make efforts to get on with her. i even offerend to come up and stay over easter when the mumatron is away. it works for both of us... she wont be bored on her own and ill have someone to keep me distracted and accountable and i think being away from my rigid home routines will be good, and since i have a week off from the programme while the unit is closed over easter, i might aswell try and test out my new coping methods and eating habits on the real world!!! (there is SO much yummy food up there too, itd be a shame to deny, right?!?!)

Anyways, full update tomo after my FIRST DAY on the programme. Holeeeeeeyy potato im nervous!!! but i just have to keep reminding myself that this is the chance for me to get things back to how i want them to be. a new beginning, a second chance. a LIFE again!!!

wish me luck!!