urgh, i have the most horrible headache right now... its not helping my feelings of ickness and to be honest, im finding today hard.
I knew it wasnt gonna be plain sailing! but still... the inevitable gross feeling of being full and still having to eat is causing me some serious anxiety right now. im trying not to let it influence me too much, but i have to admit that i walked way too much today. Ive been trying to stay as sedentary as possible while im in the unit (we only have short breaks to get fresh air etc) but today we had like an hour of free-time, so i walked up the big hill into town and looked round the shops, this would have been ok but i had already walked in that morning (mum is away) i walked by the river and it was really nice, but im supposed to only be walking in and walking home, whereas today i had the excursion into town, THEN after i walked home i went out with the dog which turned into another half hour... even tho i dont really feel like ive done anything, when i totalled it up it was alot. despite all this, i STILL feel shitty... its safe to say im not liking today very much :-(
Weirdly, the dat started off ok, i didnt do my full stretches just a quick one to loosen me up, so no core work. And by the time i set off, it was already looking bright and sunny and i was actually quite looking forwards to getting in and having breakfast and stuff... cos it feels ok to eat in there, like i know i have to, so its allowed! But they are STILL trying to force this nasty synthetic excuse for fruit juice on me, its disgusting and the acidity of it is playing gyp with my stomach and its not helping matters! I am trying so bloody hard to eat eveything they are giving me, but when i have to down this nasty juice, it makes it ten times harder cos my stomach is literally gurgling with discomfort :-s I had it at breakfast, but by morning snack i was like "enoughs enough already!" our MP is supposed to be based on what we have already and i do NOT have that normally. in fact the MP im having now is more than what im usually on, but im not compaining cos i want to get better quicker. but im not gonna be able to do that if im limited to the nasty crap theyre serving up! (the food isnt much better, frozen readymeals and hardly any dairy free options, hence ive had turkey & chips both days ive been there so far) Im glad i have my own snacks to bring in tho, altho ive managed to compromise having a piece of fruit with them instead of juice. But my god its hard to eat so close together... im still full from breakfast and its snacktime, the lunchtime, then snack AGAIN... i dont normally have that much in a day and then i get home and im like, im not hungry-what am i meant to cook???
GAH!!!
I know this is normal, the discomfort and having to eat through it, but by the end of today i just felt so crap. my head was pounding, my stomach hurt and i felt really dizzy and tired. maybe cos its a gazillion degrees in the unit and very stuffy... or maybe its cos im not used to eating more? either way, its not fun. im starting to see why people prefer recovering at home, at least you get to eat things you like!!! but i know this is important, to have someone keep account of me, so i DONT get the choice to restrict. im gonna try really hard to stick to the MP next week while the unit is closed, but im gonna do it eating foods i like!!! i just want to get on with this now, if i have to gain, i wanna get it over and done with!!
Its been harder with the others today too, cos they are clearly struggling more than me. The girl who only has a glass of milk managed HALF of it at lunch, woopwoop! more than yesterday! but the old lady 'a' didnt manage her snacks and just mushed up her lunch, so clearly not a great day for her... the very depressing girl did pretty good, trying hard and not being QUITE as whiny, so fingers crossed that keeps up. and old lady 'b' is kicking it... finishing her main and snacks, im proud of her!!! she needs it tho, she is literally skin and bone. she cant even go outside for frsh air cos she has to be careful cos of her osteoporosis and stuff. we talked about it in group and how she feels so bad that she cant do things with her family and stuff, it made me think about how much i take for granted at the mo. im young, yes... but if i keep this up, i could end up like that when im older. i need to slow it down, especially with the walking etc... i mean would it really KILL me to just not do it? or to take it down a notch?? yes its sunny and nice out, but sitting in the sun is a FAR better option for me right now than power-walking...
Anyways, i feel like im being abit of a moaning minnie so ill call it a day here... Its been hadr today, but i think its been more real. yesterday i was in that "first day, lets do it!" bubble and now that i have gone back and done it all again, its starting to sink in.
Consistency has never been my strong point with recovery and this time, i dont have a choice... no backing down now!!! im in it to win it... and the prize?!
LIFE.
HEALTH.
HAPPINESS.
and im going for the jackpot :-p
Well done! You're doing brilliantly. I meant to add on your last post, don't EVER think you're 'not as bad' as other people or not as 'deserving' - you wouldn't be there if you didn't need and deserve the support so it's great to hear you're giving it everything.
ReplyDeleteYep, the food in units is appalling, but I found that was actually quite good for me (I know it sounds weird) but I ate things I would never have chosen in real life and broke down some barriers. Keep going and don't let what anybody else does, or doesn't eat do anything other than spur you on.
Eating so close together is a huge challenge to begin with, it feels as if you're piling food on top of food on top of food...etc etc. But I promise it DOES get better. The first time you feel hungry for your snack when you've barely finished breakfast you'll feel so proud :)