sharkeeeee

hello there!

thought id pop in for a little midweek shout out, cos its sunny today and im in a good mood :-)

Today was weird, when i woke up and looked out the window, i literally could. not. see. a.thing.

it was SO foggy! it felt kindof cold but i heard the weather say it was set to be super warm later in the day, so i didnt layer up in too many clothes and BOY am i glad, cos it was scorchio! (well for england in march anyways :-p)

I had a busy day, thursdays are always a bit of a nightmare... cover + a full day teaching = a tired and grumpy me. the cover was pretty funny tho. i take the same class pretty much every week cos their teacher fell on the ice when we had that massive snow-fall a couple of weeks back (seems crazy to think there was snow, when today i was wearing my raybans and strolling in the sun!) so yeah, he's on big old crutches and has been off work for ages, wont be back until at least after easter. Sooo, this class is supposed to be RSS, but there is never any cover work set, so it has now been re-christened, DVD-DAY! last week we started a really pretty decent film that one of the other teachers lent me, it was called "ex" and had zach braff in it (who i have a super geek-crush on) i thought it was a "straight to DVD" type thing, but it wasnt half bad! sadly he forgot it this week, so instead we watched.....

durr dun durr dun durr dun......

JAWS!!!!

ohmyWORD, it is such a classic!!! i dont think ive seen it since i was about 8yrs old and it reminded me of the squeaky novelty shark horn i had on my bike! but yeah, those 80's films are packing some serious oldskool qualities, no fancy special effects and green screens for them, no siree! we talking plastic fantastic, i mean it looks SO fake its comedy!!! but i guess back in the day and all that.... :-p

and thats seriously what i thought all sharks looked like...

Haha, so that wasnt too bad and FINALLY im getting somewhere with the evil drama group. it would seem that after i got those 3 pesky troublemakers sent out for 3weeks, they realised that they DID want to participate in the class (i imagine the "odd-jobs" chores they were doing for the head teacher instead of coming to lessons was a good incentive to not piss me off again!) So they are being surprisingly "okay". not amazing... i mean some kids just ARE annoying, they cant help it and i dont blame them, sometimes when you meet the parents you feel bad for the kids, cos you realise WHY they are the way they are :-( But they were trying at least, and thats good enough for me!

So all in all, what used to be "please god let it be over-thursday" is now turning into "still not my favourite day, but i dont wanna kill myself at the end of it"!!! yes i still felt tired, i had a non-stop 7hour day, with only a scattering of breaks in between, probs adding up to a total of about 45min!!! but i had a little glimmer of that spring time sunshiney happy feeling and it was nice....

BUT if im totally honest, it also scared me abit.

Ill admit, one of my major reasons to recover is image based (shallow, i know.. but im a GIRL!!) and what worries me, is that i will drag on and on in this disorder and not have managed to get out of the bad habits and away from those little demons that stop me from getting better.

Grrr, begone nasty demons

Im scared i wont have gained a significant amount by the time summer rolls around and even tho i will want to wear strappy tops, i wont... and ill want to go on holiday and wear shorts and bikinis in the sunshine, but ill feel too self-concious... and ill see all the people having a fun time and not thinking about how their day should be programmed into sections of when i can eat, what i cant eat and how much exercise i can do in between, and ill feel like crap....

This is why i DO NOT want to drag my heels anymore. I know i say this again and again, but my GOD its hard to enforce! i know full well that i wont gain a massive amount super fast and if i do it will be water weight... i also know that my fear of not stretching and losing "tone" is unfounded, lets face it. i havent got anything TO tone!!! but yet still, i stall....

So i have spoken to my therapist, we've set up an appt for next week in anticipation that i will take a week off work and admit myself for the easter holidays to their outpatient programme. BISH BASH BOSH.

its a scary thought, but it also kindof calms me. i want someone to tell me what to do and that i have no choice, so i hope that this will be the kick up the arse that i need, and hopefully, it will be in time to get my gain on and be alot better for the upcoming summer.... i dont wanna be the weirdy too-thin girl sweating in long sleeved tops cos im too ashamed to bare my arms. i wanna be the fun girl, mucking about with her friends in the park, or riding her bike cos she likes the feel of the wind in her hair (NOT cos it burns cals!!)

So there you go. check me in for some self-care... its about time i learned how to give myself a well-deserved break. Heck, i might even learn how to sit down and relax!!! :-p

just as long as i dont get TOO comfortable!!!