Wow, today dragged...
It felt like it went on FOREVER. i still had that niggling headache from yesterday and we had two what i would refer to as "sit-down-and-fall-asleep" groups (namely "mindfulness" in the morning and "relaxation" in the afternoon) Im sure those kindof groups are beneficial for some people in the group... two of them are obsessed with their freaking "relaxation CD's"... we had them on once while we ate and it was like jeez, rolling waves and seagulls squawking AGAIN?! thankfully now we have the radio which i think everyone actually prefers!
But yeah, the mindful relaxation doesnt really do it for me.
I know i need to learn to relax cos it IS something i struggle with, in a way i always have... i have a short attention span and i get bored and distracted easily. but doing the whole visualisation thing and imagining my "happy place" is a bit too blah for me!! I work well with the groups that have pyschological undertones, cold hard facts that help me to see sense within the illness. but still, even for those people who DO like them... two in a day is a touch excessive and by the end of the last one, we were all feeling abit downsome. Old lady 'a' had abit of a meltdown today. She refused to participate in group, broke down in tears and then had to sit out. She's getting abit annoying to be honest, always making excuses and diversions so that she doesnt have to eat and stuff and my god she likes to talk when it suits her, but when she's having a little "moment" she gets all dramatic and "oh no, i cant ahhh" about it. I mean, fair enough recovery is hard... im not gonna be a b*tch about it! but we're all struggling right?! we're all there for the same reason and we all have to try and face up to it! It makes me so aware that i do NOT wanna still be fighting this 20 or 30yrs down the line. No siree!!!
The young 18year old has been opening up to me abit tho, she admitted that she felt i was further along in recovery than her and the others, but it worked as a positive influence on the group (awww) and since i came in this week, she's felt more willing to participate and get involved (probs cos i never shut up!) But still, i look at her and i just feel so bad. She is literally skin and bones and has very little energy or independence from her ED... The anorexia has such a grasp on her, it scares me.
I guess i AM the furthest in recovery in the group, which is nice cos i can try and support the others and motivate the group, but it does sometimes make me feel like maybe im not THAT ill... i know i am, but today i actually was looking at the size of me in comparison to them and i was like "well at least im healthier than that". but then i stopped myself and was like "UMM NOT BY ALOT MADAM!!!!" and i was surprised! surprised that i actually had the rational side take charge and remind me that i WAS ill and that i DO need to be there. and i felt kindof proud. i looked at my size (which is still tiny in comparison to normal) and instead of thinking of it as bigger, i thought of it as being one step closer to recovery. i see how frail and hunched over the others are, how consumed by fear and control... and it makes me see the light shining a bit nearer to me. it IS within my grasp! i CAN get better! the staff are pleased with how im doing already and it kindof makes me feel like im doing well. its abit silly, but im always the one in the position of giving the praise, when im at work with the kids... that its quite nice to be the other side for a change. Im the one who is trying to improve and please the "teacher". Lets face it, it always feels good to be top of the class!!! :-p
So another day down. Food is getting easier, which is a relief cos yesterday it was a real struggle to get through snacks etc. last night's dinner was tough cos i felt so stuffed that i couldnt actually imagine what i would want to eat! Its still hard cos i am feeling very full, but i know i CAN do it. yesterday i knew i had to do it, so i ate through the discomfort and it eased up... and weirdly, feeling so stuffed at night, i woke up to a perfectly flat stomach! what?!?! the body works in mysterious ways, i guess maybe its time i learnt to have faith and trust it again :-)
Tomo is weigh in and dietician appts, which is good. i can see whats going on and if ive gained at all... of course im abit worried about the scales and weighing, but i have to remind myself that i AM sick and i DO need to be there. If ever i needed a reminder, while i was walking home this afternoon a guy in traffic beckoned me over (i thought he needed directions or something) but he wound down his window and said:
"you know, if youre anorexic youre going to get osteoporosis when youre older"
i was like "excuse me?!" how rude is that! I dont go upto overweight people and say, "ooh, if you carry on with those pies, you're gonna die of heart disease". How dare people make judgements and assumptions, especially if they dont know you or your situation. I wanted to say "are you a doctor?! No?! then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!!"
But i didnt, cos im sure he was just being a concerned citizen. but please, he doesnt know my life-story. he doesnt know that im actually walking home from an eating disorders unit... what right does he have to tell me things that, quite frankly, i already know! thanks but no thanks... i dont need a stranger to tell me im too thin, cos i can see that myself. every freaking day.
So yeah, i was abit ranty after that. But then i stopped and turned the situation around. It might have been abit upsetting, but it also kindof served as a reminder to me. YES, i may be further ahead in recovery than the others on the unit, and YES i may be making progress in groups and with my eating. but i am still far from being RECOVERED and i mustn't lose sight of that.
I still have a long way to go before i can call myself "better"...
...but i will.
and thats a promise
:-)
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