oh my days...!

My suitcase appears to have shrunk....

i SWEAR it was bigger on the way out here! ok, so i might have acquired a few additional items on my journeys, but seriously... how on earth am i gonna get all this stuff in?

It looks abit like the suitcase threw up.... 

nice eh?! 

Sooo, its with a sad face that i must conclude: the end of my american adventure is nigh. Well so nigh in fact that today is going to be full of fun errands such as 

tidy the house

clean up my room

put the bins out

wash my clothes  (broken washing machine scrapped that one!)

last supermarket visit, to stock up on goodies :-)

take the dog to the kennels

take the son to work and say goodbyes

pack my suitcase (leave that one till last minute, obvs)

Im not actually leaving till tomo morning, but my flight is earrrrrly, which means i have to be there super earrrrrly! im aiming to be out of the house by 5:30am(ish) which means if i can get everything done by tonight, i can get up at 5am, and roll my sleepy ass into the car to drive the (hopefully empty) route to the airport....

*must get everything done by tonight*

must must MUST!!!

Im feeling quite good about going home, which is nice cos i have been missing it. Little things, like my bed and spending time on the sofa with the mumatron in the evenings (altho im hoping to leave behind any "stressful eating dinner arguments" of the past) Im looking forwards to seeing my friends and getting back to work and not living my life to a strict routine like i used to. I am going to be hyper aware of my actions over the next couple of weeks... i do NOT under any circumstances want to slip back into "safe" habits.... i want to keep challenging myself. Do things on a whim, be spontaneous, do stuff that scares me or upsets my ED. Cos i know all the issues are still there, i am getting better at handling them and standing up to the ED, but thats not to say that it wont fight tooth and nail to get me back to where i was pre-america. or pre-unit for that matter.

Ahh, the unit.

I havent really mentioned it much (obvs, cos i havent been there!!!) but yeah, its basically shut down now. Alot of the people who were there when i was have discharged themselves or cut their days or just given up... which is sad. but to be honest, the service wasnt the best and its still finding its feet. so maybe in the next cycle, theyll get a better grasp on what needs to be done. But i wont be there to show them! Im outta there.... I have to go back for my assessment next week, but other than that, im signing out. i dont need them anymore... they werent really getting me anywhere mentally anyway, so i figure its best to just go for this recovery myself now. i know full well what i want from my life and my recovery and now its just a case of fighting hard against the inevitable backlash that my anorexia will give me. I dont care for it anymore... it doesnt rule me. im not scared of being without it. and THAT is the main difference. it doesnt play a functional part in my life anymore.... its like a dirty plaster. you leave it on in case the cut is still bleeding and you like that it is keeping the cut safe from the world, but in reality... its not necessary. its better for the cut to heal in the open air. YES its hard to rip it off, but its better when you do, cos then you see that even tho you couldnt see it, your cut has healed and is ready to embrace the world of "plaster-free" living again!

was that possibly the weirdest metaphor ever?! did i really just refer to recovery as a plaster?!?! or as i shud say now that im fully-fledged american - a "band-aid" :p

Anyhoo. rambles aside. Im excited to get home. i want to see my mama at the airport... i want to give her a big hug and tell her that im okay. i want to show her that im okay... I want to eat and be happy and be free and be me again. 

So today i pack up my fresh positivity and haul it back to my old life in order to start my NEW beginning...

Wish me luck y'all 

:-)

not again

This is so stupid.

I woke up this morning and it was pouring with rain outside. So what was my first thought? Yup, you guessed it...

"SHIT, that messes up my walking"

and HERE we GO again 

:-(

Urrrhhhh, i hate this stupid incessant blockage in my head that cant just piss off and GO AWAY. why does it make me feel like i have to walk, that i have to follow a routine, that bad things will happen to my body if i dont do it.... its bullsh*t, i know that. And even tho i like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, it STILL convinces me. it STILL makes me feel obliged and compelled and frankly... i dont need it, i dont want it and i most certainly do NOT like it.

I thought it was getting better, cos i have drastically cut back on my walking since coming to america, im happy to not do anything when im distracted and have things to do. But then coming to stay with my family friends here in the 'burbs has given it a sneaky chance to crawl back in... subtly tho, ill give it that. its not like its charged in and demanded i do a crazy amount... oh, but its there. It has me locked in again. It starts as soon as i wakeup... i think how nice it'd be to just lay in bed and snooze. but instead of following this, i get that familiar twinge of guilt and so out of bed i hop, pull on some clothes and nip out for a stroll with my ipod. Every night i tell myself i'll be stronger... but then i go to sleep, i wakeup and BAM, there it is again.

Now thats not to say that alot of the time i dont come back feeling refreshed, awake, happy and GLAD that i went. cos truth be told, i do enjoy it! and it IS good to get some fresh air in the mornings and wake up at a decent hour instead of lazing in a smelly pit of darkness all morning... Im down with that and I am naturally a morning person (and god knows ill have to be in less that a weeks time when im back at school with raging jetlag!!!) But there is a fine line between doing something cos its good for you and you enjoy it... as opposed to doing something cos its good for you but you're scared that if you dont do it you will be bad.

Yup, theres that old "im bad and must therefore earn the right to exist" things again... its so damn frustrating sometimes, especially when i KNOW that i have to gain weight and i KNOW that being sedentary is better for me, health-wise. But its not like i do a big amount, when i have managed to not do anything, i havent ballooned in weight or even really had any phsyical changes at all... so WHY does it still make all that much difference to me?? why do i still feel like i have to do it in order to go about my day?? what makes me so different that i have to earn the right to just live.... 

Either way, im sick of it... This has no place in my head anymore. i dont want to be a slave to its demands, i want a choice. So this morning, even though it felt horrible. I pulled my blanket up high and refused to get up and walk. It was easier knowing that it was raining and i had an excuse, but still... I felt irritated with myself, i felt weak and i felt like a lazy slob. Fun. But... it passed. Well, kindof in waves actually... one minute i was fine and then i was back to thinking that i needed to do something or id just mutate into flubbery goo. WHERE DOES THAT EVEN COME FROM??!!? plenty of people dont exercise and they still have normal bodies, they still have muscle, tone and shape. its not like if you DONT do "toning" you wont have any muscle... or if you dont do "cardio" you wont be able to walk without falling over in a heap! so why is my brain so warped?!?!

Cold turkey is what i KNOW shud be the answer. but i dont think that that is even fully possible cos I am active just by being me. Even if i stop all additional walking, got lifts to and from work (also not entirely possible!) i would still be active while at work. 

does that mean im jeopordising my chances at recovery?? 

I guess now is the time to really pull rank over this compulsion and NOT do anything, while i can. Ive spotted that its already become an issue again, so thats the first step, right? Catch it before it becomes bad again....? So then at least i can ease up to doing as little as possible when i DO start back at work. i just dont want to end up making myself add-on extras like i used to do (i cant even believe how much "unnecessary" walking i added on to my days while at work last year) Im determined not to let it get the better of me this time tho. cos it really doesnt make any difference and so whats the point of flogging my poor body for nothing!?! Nope, its gotta be bare minimum. but in order to be ok with that, i think its almost ESSENTIAL that i quit it all for this week before i go home. urhhhh, so hard. so scary.

what do you think?

encouragement please!!!

Anyways, the rain stopped so i took the dog out for a walk instead of going for one of my walks. she's pretty big and old and therefore very slow and has a tendency to stop every few paces to sniff and wee (seriously, i thought MY bladder was bad!!) so its frustratingly short and slow-paced... which KILLS me, but is exactly what i need to start challenging those thoughts that urge me to go faster, harder, stronger. 

i must lean to say NO. then i can start to re-wire my faulty brain...

umm... so...

does anyone out there have a degree in neuro-physics?!? 

:p

GAAAAAH!!!

You know what i really cant stand? i hate feeling like ive messed up when actually its someone elses fault... I make myself feel guilty enough for all the crap in my life, not to mention the lives of those around me, cos i always think things are my fault... like im to blame when things going wrong or when people get angry, cos im broken and faulty and i make things bad.

Its very wallowy and self-pitying to say this and to be honest its more than a bit shallow to think that IM so important that i could be the cause of all wrongs!!! but its this weird guilt-trigger in my brain that responds to things by thinking that im someway responsible... But then i feel like im being self-centred and so i feel bad about THAT too! you know what, i cant even help it sometimes. I can be pretty hard on myself.... 

I bring this up because ive just been on the phone with the mothership. She is in france at the mo, not that id have know if i handed been the one to try and phone her or email her or generally remind her that yes, i may be in America, but i DO STILL EXIST!!! This sounds pathetic, but i just feel like ive been forgotten :-( I mean, i know she's been super busy at home and its been good for me to be away cos i didnt want to be wrapped up in all her crazy goings-on (especially those which include the sis) but sometimes i wonder if she even thinks about her actions (or lack thereof) cos all it takes is a quick email or phone call to let me know where in the world she is, then i can visualise whats going on and i dont feel so disconnected... so out of the loop. But no, its all guesswork and then when i DO get hold of her for a chat and a catch up. she will throw something unprepared into the mix and that makes me stress and panic cos i dont know whats going on (yes, i know.. i sound like a major control freak now) 

Its not that i want to track her every move on GPS or anything... far from it! i like that im all the way over here and i dont have to deal with the inevitable day-to-day dramas back home, but i DO still miss her and therefore is it wrong of me to want to know where she is/what she's doing?!?! cos i dont think so! but then, i start to question myself... and i start to feel like maybe i am wrong and bad and its just me being a burden and hassling her....

Enter: phonecall this morning.

It not even that i wanted to have a go at her, i was all full of chirp and ready to have a nice catch up and hear about her weekend, thinking that she was in one place. but then when she tells me she is somewhere compleletey different (she is meeting up with the people i am housesitting for at our mutual friends villa) which is FINE, but its somewhere that i wasnt expecting her to be till tomorrow... so it threw me. i got panicky cos i like to know whats happening and i didnt think it was too much of an effort for her to tell me what day she was actually going there. (she also gave them the present i asked her to take out there for them, without asking me if id want her to maybe wait until i could speak to them and give it to them myself... which REALLY pissed me off. its my freaking gift to give and now theyll think its from her. dammit! why didnt she just ASK?! oh no, that'd be too hard... she just ploughs ahead and doesnt think of little old me, way away in another continent...!)

Ok ill stop the mumatron-bashing now. cos i actually hate being angry with people, its not my nature to hold grudges. so ANYWAYS i told her that this made me quite upset and stressed about the not being in the loop thing and she starts getting all shouty and ranting on about how she DID tell me and how shes been busy and its not like we dont communicate (which is true, I call and email her all the time! its just a one-way street mostly...) so i say this and how it makes me feel like im making all the effort and she just gets more pissed off with me, cos i sound needy and bitchy and mean but really its just cos i miss her! and i wanna know where she is so that i can feel comforted and happy that she is happy or whatever, i dunno. But since that doesnt happen... I START TO FEEL GUILTY!!!! and when i try to explain that im just trying to express how i feel so that its out there and i wont then go off and wallow in my feelings after we hang up, but she doesnt work like that. she doesnt get it. she takes it personally and then I take it personally and start to think that its me... ive done wrong and im bad and that i screwed everything up and urhhhhhh it just spirals.

So we end the call and i ask if we can try again tomorrow morning, without the crying/shouting/stress etc... here's hoping eh?!

I dont know exactly where this feeling of low self-worth comes from. cos its not that i think im a bad person, so to speak. Like generally, i think im ok! im not ugly, im not stupid, i can be funny when i want to be (or have the energy to be!) and i am a good friend and on the whole a good person....! I dont have low self-esteem, i dnt feel like im a small timid mouse of a person, i voice my opinions loud and clear if i think they need to be head! (seriously, back in the unit we did self-esteem group and they were all waaaay down low on the chart and then there was me, big and bold and unafraid to say what i thought!) but its not about how i feel about me in the world, or me as a person... its always a negativity in terms of my physical selfworth... which dwells way down there in the pits of shoddyness. Its hard to explain... its not in terms of IMAGE, cos i know that im actually lucky enough to be blessed with good genetics and before i got sick i wasnt a scary unpleasant person to look at! but my actual physical self, is another story. i feel like my body is wrong... its broken, messed up and unfixable. I feel like when i got ill, something in me shifted and i dont know if i can ever get it back.. i know i was happy with myself before. i had bags of energy, confidence and happiness. But i cant seem to rememeber how to get back there. I got ill and things changed so fast that i didnt really see myself falling until i couldnt get back up again. Now that person seems so far removed from who i am now, that i dont even know if  i can ever get back there. I know maintining my current weight isnt good enough, but i dont know quite how to go about getting it higher without fear of being unhealthy and getting ill again. i cut back my exercise and i do eat. but its obviously not enough, cos im not gaining... i dont like the idea of being completely sedentary and eating loads of junk, cos i dont really LIKE it. but then i also dont like that its partly a fear that is stopping me. because im scared of being "unhealthy" or damaging my body further (which is silly, cos the damage im doing to it now is far worse than the damage done by sitting on my arse resting and eating a few pizza's!!) so i dunno. i still feel like this idea of "health" rules my recovery. yes i allow myself to eat and to not walk as much. but i cant help but feel like this is "bad" for me....

how do you get past that idea of "health" being the be-all and end-all??

how do you balance what health really means?

I wanted to do a post on my fun day-trip with my friend yesterday (i have pictures!!!) but this just popped up this morning and i needed to get it out there, to word out my frustrations and piece it together in my head... So that will have to wait till tomo. Here's a little clue as to where we went, but the Qn is... can u guess where it is?!?!

any idea? answers please!

In the meantime, please feel free to jump in and throw me your ten cents on this, advice/encouragment/words to the wise? DO IT! ill admit, im still feeling a bit vulnerable and down on myself right now... so i could certainly use a few pick-me-ups. Either that or ill just have to drag myself to a mall and do some cheer-me-up retail therapy!

Ahhh shopping...

 how i love thee

 :-)

and breeeeathe.

What a relaxing day ive had... after my hectic week, ive needed it!

Back to saturdays supposed day-off, which turned into more of a mission than intended! I did have a lazy morning, but we overplanned the afternoon and didnt have enough time, we went to get E's haircut, but she forgot her wallet so we had to drive all the way home after and then we didnt have time to do everything, so we grabbed a burger king drive-thru (still getting used to the fact that everywhere has drive-thru's) and then went to have our nails done... it was SO nice! we got to sit in these cool vibrro massage chairs while they did our toes and i left with a very fancy looking mani-pedi. my nails have never looked so good! its just a shame that me being me, i managed to chip my thumb nail the next day at work... D'oh! Then that evening we went out to their friends for dinner, which was fine... but i was knackered anyways and i wasnt feeling great after a week with no pills (seriously, my body is NOT thanking me) so it was a pretty bum evening for me. She isnt really much of a cook and even tho she'd been to ours a week or so before, she forgot about my food allergies and so i had to piece together a weird mishmash of stuff from her fridge cos everything else was red meat and cheese... niiiiice! So yeah, then i was back to work on sunday/monday and tues and this is my first day away from the restaurant.... crazy! i think that now the people im staying with are leaving (their flight is tomo) i will be able to wind down my days. I was all pumped to work ALL the time, but i started to feel very tired and weak and the fact that i was without my meds meant that my body was already in a slow rate of deterioration, so pushing it even further wouldnt be the wisest of ideas now would it....!?

bahahaha

Sooo i have today AND tomo off and then i only work friday and sunday and then i guess i can figureout what i want to do next week, work or no work.... its my last week, so i dont wanna be slaving away, but i DO wanna hang out with my new restaurant buds and make sure i have enough ollars to hit the shops in an appropriate (ok MAJAAAH) way before i head home :-p

Today was good tho. i slept later than usual cos i felt like my body needed some extra zzzz's! it was nice weather when i got up so i went for  little stroll. but i am aware that it is starting to become routine... i mean its hard cos i WANT to do it. but then i start to question WHY i want to do it. its not much, just walking around the neighbourhood block and i like it cos its warm and i can listen to my podcasts and chill abit on my own, but then part of me is worrying that i shud be trying to do NOTHING so that i dont feel urged to do more when i get home. if im doing 30mins MAX here, whether thats going for a walk or doing some yoga in my room... thats better than before. but it still doesnt give me wiggleroom for having days off etc. 

what do you think?

does it sound obsessive?

i dont want to increase at all when i get home, i know i walk to work but i figure maybe i can get a lift one way and make sure i ONLY do a short walk with the dog or something when i get home... i need to see that nothing happens if i do nothing. cos even tho i DID have that first 2weeks of nothing, when i came to stay with my friends and i had my own space, i started to do a little bit of stretching and stuff... nothing LIKE what i do before and i dont feel compelled to do it all the time, but im almost OVER-worrying about it!!! is it necessary to do absolutely NOTHING in recovery??? cos i dont think my sanity would allow that! maybe if i jut mak sure i have at least one day of doing nothing, then i wont feel the need to worry if im being driven by the ED or just a genuine enjoyment of moving my body....

sometimes you just need time by yourself!

Anyhooooo, i sat around by the pool most of the rest of the day, so no worries about over-excercising there! read some of my book, chatted with their son and general mooching. this evening i imagine will be a frenzy of them packing and going through the rules and to-do's of the house so that i have everything covered while theyre away... im not worried. i basically live solo at home anyways. i can cope!!!

Then tomo lunchtime we drive to the airport! i have to be super-aware of the direction cos ill be driving that route by myself when i go to catch my flight 10days later. i have no phone and no sat-nav so if i get lost.... its not gonna be pretty!!! im gonna leave plenty of time to get there, i dont wanna miss my flight!

But im not even thinking about that till next week... its still officially holiday time for me. altho that sneaky dread feeling that pretty soon i will have to return to reality. LIFE, WORK, FAMILY.... its been nice escaping for the month, but i know i have stuff to face back home. i really want to be able to implement the changes ive made in myself over the past few weeks, its gonna be hard... especially going back to a place riddled with all my ED behaviours. but i know what they are and i know they will be waiting to trip me up. so i need to be on my guard... anything that seems like it has ED's stamp on it and im gonna do the opposite! stick to my guns and fight hard....

cos thats what recoverys about people.... FIGHTING!!!!

so here's a big shout out to all my fellow fighters out there...

three cheers for staying strong in the face of our struggles

Loves and Laters guys

:-)

mornin folks

Ahhh my first lie-in in a WEEK!!!

yes people, i am a fully fledged american working gal. not to be confused with the english working girl, the old me who stresses about waking up early and doing x number of stretches and routines before i am allowed to get on with my day. Noooo, this is different altogether.

Like pretty much everyday this week, ive woken up early. not cos i MADE myself... but because the sun is shining through my windows (i havent been closing the curtains here cos theyre some fancy blind thingys that i couldnt figure out when i arrived so just left!) so even tho i tend to wake up randomly in the night to car lights blazing up my room with an eerie glow, i ALSO get to enjoy the early morning wakeup call of mr sunshine, letting me know a new day is here.... la la laaaaaa.

SO i wake up, i think HMMMM its sunny. yays! then if im feeling jolly and awake i usually go for a little stroll around the block with my ipod and listen to one of the radio1 podcasts (even american working gals have gotta keep up-to-date with the goss back home, right?!) So it takes me about half an hour of slow meandering around the deserted but OHso pretty streets on our block (i like to ogle the fancy schmancy houses... of which there are ALOT! must remember to take my camera out one time.... cos thats not creepy and weird at all!!!) Ahem, ok. yes... so i do that, giggling along to chris moyles (cant believe he's leaving, soooo sad!) or scott mills and then by the time it starts to get hot i am home and hopping in the shower. then its brekkie time while watching whatever strange american tv i can tune into (i still havent worked out their tv yet, but its good for me to be not totally engrossed in tv, i cant even imagine what my skyplus recordings are looking like back home!!!) then i tootle off to work at 11am, where i spend the day hanging out with my restaurant buds, helping out, serving, taste-testing yummy food and generally getting paid to do wht i would rather be doing anyways! score!!! then at 6:30-7ish i head home, we have a nice dinner all together and i crash out! simple life, but i love it (and believe you me, im gonna take all my hard earned dollars and do some serious SHOPPIIIIIIIING before i head home!!!)

The thing thats nice about here is that i feel like im not expected to be anything other than me. i dont put so much pressure on myself. this morning it was raining outside, so i didnt fancy a stroll... i lay in bed listening to the rain instead. it was nice! but i cant lie in forever, im not that type... so im up and getting ready for a day out anyways. The weird thing is, despite doing less activity (im only walking sporadically, im trying really hard to not let myself get into a routine of thinking i have to do it x amounts per week... that is a slippery slope and dont i know it!!!) and im not all that active at the restaurant, just standing about mostly. but i havent gained weight.....

in fact, i think i might have lost :-s

im not restricting, im not over-exercising. i eat what the family give me (which is all healthy, but they do love to slather on the olive oil etc, waaaaay more than i would use!) and include lots of avocado and pesto and rich calorie high healthy stuff. PLUS im eating all these cereal bars at night before bed (ive stepped up to two per night now!) and then i eat at the restaurant at lunch... so what gives???

im still wary of just goin ALL OUT and eating shedloads of american junk food. but maybe i need to try? i eat when im hungry but i still find it hard to eat when im NOT hungry and maybe thats where im falling short. cos i dont tend to have snacks at the moment, just three meals and then snacks in the evening before bed.....

i know realistically i need to just eat more and go for the 2500 (but its so hard to actually tally upp, i dont wanna be counting cals all the time) but im still scared. i thought if i cut the exercise and eat like other people id gain. but im not.

i dunno....

ANYWAYS. me and the mum E are heading to the hairdressers today for her to get her hair done and me to read through endless trashy american magazines (blissssss) then we are gonna do some shopping, maybe get our nails done and just chill out doing girly stuff :-)

this is the life, 

and i just feel so lucky that its MINE!!!!

:-)

say what now?!

Its been a WEEK?!?! where has the time gone?!

It feels like the first week that i was here went soooo sloooowly. but now im like whooooa there. Busy bee = me! (but shh, i like it like this :p)

So i have been working alot, i did my induction type night on the thursday of last week and then i basically just went in every day since then! The guy who owns it is pretty relaxed about my hours, cos they do HAVE other hostesses, but when they get busy they sometimes need more people on the floor, but generally im super grateful cos they dont really need me there... i mean i am working and everything, and im not one to sit about doing nothing so im trying to help out all i can, but yeah... its more of a goodwill job, like helping me out. which i really appreciate!!! Sooo, i went in on friday evening and then took saturday off to go shoppppping (and sort out some doctory stuff, my GOD american healthcare is a farce... i had to pay for the pill! even tho we get it for free in the uk!!! plus i had to pay for a consultation JUST to get a prescription to get the pill.... can i get a "say WHAAAA?!?!" i mean that is serious blasphemy on the money front. grrrr) Anyways, back on track... i went in on for the lunch shift on sunday and realised that actually lunches are pretty fun! its quiet (which is why they dont normally have a hostess greeting people, the waitresses kind of do it adhoc) but im helping out being there i think, it means they can focus on their customers and i can do the basic stuff... then it gets dead after lunch (so we just hang out being silly) and then i stay for the first part of the evening shift, crossing over with the evening hostess. which is when it gets busier....

basically

we have a blast...

Aaaaand, I get to eat their food for my lunch if i saty for the evening too, which is GOOOOOOD!!! for reals, this place does wicked good food. its a family run italian and my gaaaahd do they cook some tasty nosh :) Which obviously im building up to sampling more of!!! (damn that pesky ED) Im not used to having big lunches, so i dont really get hungry for them... but i am trying to force myself to have stuff, its so nice i know i shudnt waste this chance! Plus all the other girls eat loads and i want to fit in (already had a few of the old "youre soooo thin" comments. BLEH!) But yeah, being around them keeps me in check, it reminds me that i AM too thin and i want to be normal... sitting around on my own doesnt do me any goody cos i dont realise that not eating lunch ISNT normal. So yeah, goods for the mind. So far, ive tried the house salad with shrimp (yummmmmm, they do proper BIG juicy shrimp, none of those piddly little watery prawns we get in the uk!) this was a safey for me. but im working on it, eating lunch at all is a biggie, especially restaurant food cooked in hella loads of oil and dressing etc... then today i branched out and had the homemade veggie burger with a side salad. it was good. oh yes it WAS!!!! i even had some of the girls' fries when they had their lnch (waitresses get to eat first, when there is a quiet period) but we all sat together and munched... but i just feel like such an EEJIT sometimes, cos there they are, perfectly healthy and happy girls... NOT fat. and they have a chicken and bacon sandwich with chips and then one girl had a glass of milk (awwww) and a slie of choc cake. TOTES normal for them.... i hate that my head makes everything so difficult for me. when will i be okay with doing that too? urhhh, recovery is EXHAUSTING!

so anyways, one of the girls livs really near me so were gonna try and do something at some point... and i might be meeting up with one of the barmaids tomo afternoon cos its her day off. but i think she has stuff to do in the morning, so ill probs go into work and do the lunch shift and then just leave after that (the boss guy told me he doesnt really need me to stay in that lull period, but i can hang out there if i want. basically, he cant pay me... and totally understandable. im happy he's paying me at all!!!) 

Soooo thats pretty much life for me at the mo! im feeling very happy with how things are going. im lessa nxious about being active... i go for a walk sometimes when its a nice morning i put my ipod in and go for a stroll... but its never more than half an hour and its not speedwalking. then i do a few stretches some mornings. but not what i was like before... and you know what. i feel like i can actually FEEL it more. like before i did them every morning without fail and i just felt tired but now i feel like when i DO do something, it feels better... i get that kindof "yeah i moved my body" feeling. i dunno. it feels good. i do need to be careful that i dont overdo it, cos i know im on my feet at the restaurant. but its really just alot of standing about! but i dont want to feel obligted to do more than i feel like, cos thats where my anorexia head jumps back into control and i start doing too much.... DEF need to be on that before school starts up in sept, cos thats always when i start pushing myself too hard again. 

Ooh this has been a long old ramble-fest! ill stop now for fear of boring you guys to tears... i dont even have any nice new pics to share with you. hmmm, maybe i can find something...

Ahh, there you go. DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!

thats american :p

Later folks

xx

settling in

Hey there people! Alot has been going on since my spontaneous decision to stay in America on saturday... and of course, i shall fill you in. Its nice to have alot to talk about, cos i feel like so much is happeneing to me right now... Its weird, but im glad to say im sort of settling in more now... finding my feet, getting used to being here and being part of a family unit. Its all quite new to me!

Back home, im used to it just being me and the mumster at home (can i just say, i actually really miss her...!!) Awwww right?! im such a big softie!! I was getting all sad thinking about her sitting about all on her lonesome at home... but then i thought, wait a minute... im SURE she is still just as crazy busy as she always is. She probs hasnt even noticed im not there! Plus she still has the pooch to keep her company, so i know she'll have someone to share the sofa with :-) But i dunno, i guess i forget when im at home... you sometimes take people for granted when theyre always there... she's my rock, but i know how hard it can be for rocks (no pun intended!) she has to deal with alot of my shit and thats not easy, not to mention my sister! and all the work she does aswell, no wonder she gets tired and stressed, give the woman a freakin MEDAL (and a holiday to the bahamas :p) So im coming to realise just how much she does for me and how much i love, care and admire her. uh-oh, here it comes again!!! LOVEEEEES!!! (ok, thats enough now) So after all this time away from her... lets just say im gonna be on "super-fantastic-daughter" mode when i do get home :p

So back to the point, yeah... its weird being in a family home where there is still a mother and father, together. oh and a son. (a slightly wayward one at that, but more on him another time!) and they do family things, like days out on the weekend, they eat dinner together (when the son isnt off out with his friends) its nice! I guess because i havent had that situation in a long time, since my parents split and i was at boarding school... so its kindof novel to me. and i like it! I mean, i dont think its something ill take back home (me and the mumatron - we like our tv/sofa dinners just fine!) but change is good, it has given me a whole new approach to eating with other people, at a time THEY decide on, and having what THEY have chosen, not always being the one in charge of my food is not something im used to and altho it gives my ED a fright, its a welcome change! 

But the whole "togetherness" does makes me miss my homestead :) Not that these guys have it perfect. Its no stepford over here (altho the neighbourhood could fool you, its so perfect looking it makes me think ive walked onto a tv set!) But yeah, they have had some issues with the son, they had to kick him out for a while and he's just come home on the condition that he plays by the rules, gets a job and sorts himself out. Which is where i come in!!! Noooo, im not becoming a counsellor (yet!) but having someone around to show him that life isnt always handed to you on a plate, you have to work for things... is a good motivation for him. plus it means that when his parents go away for 2weeks at the end of the month, he can stay in the house cos ill be here looking after things... otherwise they'd have had to kick him out again. HENCE the house-sitting! phews.

So as nice as it is to be welcomed into this family, there are times when it is also abit awkward. i mean at the weekend we did cool stuff... we went out for dinner, we went to the cape, we went whalewatching (ohmygod, SOOO amazing!) we were super busy and it was all good. but then i guess the week kicks in and everyone goes back to work and i sort of just sat around the house trying to sort out my potential future move to the US and jobs/visas etc. which was abit dull and very disheartening when i found out that it was gonna be near on impossible to get over here until i can find an employer to sponsor me for a work visa. Hmphf. So what did i find out? Well catch22 is that you cant get a job without a visa, but you cant get a visa without a job. GAH!!! Anyways, im looking into other ways, but its hard.... i just wanna come and make a life in America, is that really so bad?!?! 

So i figured i had to do SOMETHING! im here for a month and as much as its good for me to keep practising my sitting and lazing about doing nothing skills.. its not all that fun when you're by yourself. it was fine when i had my friends with me, but now its just kindof boring. SO, we put the word out for people who might want a babysitter and there were a few responses... but the turnaround came last night when we went out to dinner at this local restaurant where theyre friends with the owner, and... 

well..... 

i got a job! 

Ok, so its just waitressing, but its something to keep me busy and it will earn me a bit of extra cash which is something i was worrying about, since i only brought enough to see me through the 2weeks and so the thought of a month was abit daunting! the family have been super generous and i will be doing them a favour by housesitting, but still... it feels kindof awkward to ask them to buy me stuff. they already bought me aload of extra sacks and stuff at the supermarket (they are very healthy and dont really snack that much) but id like to go out and do some shopping! plus i really REALLY want to go visit my friends again before i leave and to do that, id need some dollars to get a bus or train... the family have insured me on their car, but i dont think theyd want me just setting off on a roadtrip when they might need it themselves!

Ill figure it out... in the meantime. I have a car to drive. I have a JOB! (which FYI i am starting tomo, going in for training. eek!!) so thats me a whole lot more sorted than i was even a couple of days ago! 

Now if i could just find a handsome american guy..... 

:p

what can i say?!

I just love it so much here... 

i decided to stay!!!

For reals tho! The friends i was staying with are going away at the end of Aug and asked if id like to stay on and house-sit for them when they go... Since its not like i had much going on back home (apart from dentist appts, going into the unit for a couple of days to sign off and general housebound moochiness...) i said hells YES!!! 

Ahhhh, its such a nice feeling to know ill be here for another month! i dont have to rush anything, i can chill and enjoy this newfound happiness/relaxtion that i am developing over here. I was a little bit apprehensive to go home if im honest.... i have been doing so well at NOT exercising here. ive only stretched once and that was cos i genuinely wanted to! other than that ive been just been resting up and listening to my body :-) I was worried that if i went home, i would be tempted to start up my old routines again, cos believe you me, i HAVE felt the urge over here... In fact just this morning, the lady E went out to a spinning class and i was like, whooooa, why am i lying in bed... i shud be exercising too! But i am sitting with the niggles. I keep looking at the pics ive taken and reminding myself that i need to have MORE meat on my bones, not less!!! Plus there is no point burning off what im trying to gain... its just a constant battle to convince myself that it wont all just blob onto my body, it will go all over and make me look healthy instead of sick... SO, im staying strong! Its alot easier here too, so im optimistic :-) Two weels is a good length of time to break a habit, but hey... SIX weeks has gotta be better, right?! haha. So here i am, staying in the country that i love for another month and being given the chance to really get my shizz sorted in terms of finding a way to get out here permanantly next year.

so, here goes!!!

Anyways, i will keep you all updated to my general american shenanigans, it feels like i am doing so much fun stuff, i NEVER would be doing if i was stuck back home. Like yesterday, we drove to the Cape and went whale-watching. OHEMGEEEE it was so much fun! I saw humpback whales and these little minky (?!) whales too. Amazeballs. Then we went out to eat in this delicious seafood place, where it was basically a little wooden stilt house thing where you bring your own drink and order youre food before finding a space on the deck. it was SOOO good!!! all fresh seafood and there were a bunch of english girls working there too! much fun :p 

Its funny, cos at home i just dont have this kindof excitement! Im looking forwards to more of it and getting to see my american friends some more too, its gonna be so nice to just say, "hy what u upto this weekend?" instead of "so, shall we plan to meet up in 6months time?!" haha. Im gonna make the most of this time tho, cos a month may feel like a long time now, but i know it will fly by... back home it would have passed in a blur of sitting at home worrying about food/exercise and walking the dog too much while mum was away but now its gonna be a rollercoaster of american adventures! So im better off out here methinks :)

Altho i must remember that i WILL have to go hone eventually so it cant just be fun and games all the time... cos pretty much as SOON as i get home, i will have to be ready to start back at work, EEKS! Guess i better get "some" planning done out here then,... but that can wait a couple of weeks, surely?!

Anyhoooo, I hope you are all having a faboosh summer whatever you're doing, and since im feeling all full of love and joy and gushy rainbows and mush... heres a BIG OLD HUG!!!!!! to everyone. Learn to Love it folks. Cos believe me, i may not be so generous by the time i have to head back to rainy england! :p

yumyum

Hey Apple Pies,

Im enjoying some serious american sunshine today! Its sooooo hot outside... I know im usually complaining of the cold, but not here! im actually sitting inside at the mo cos its sweltering by the pool. Air-con is like heaven on humid earth right now :-p

So, recap: I am currently staying with some family friends just outside of Boston... it is really nice and chilled here, very quiet and peaceful... proper suburbs. There isnt a whole lot for me to do tho, as they are both working all day, but they have been super considerate in trying to make sure i dont get too bored. Yesterday i got picked up after taking the T (like the tube) from boston out to the 'burbs, where i got picked up by the lovely lady, E. we drove around abit cos she had clients to see and i was happy to tag along. We stopped at whole foods on our travels for some lunch and ohmygod, the one in london is good, but these are even BETTER!!! sadly i didnt get time to stock up on goodies, but hopefully i will before i head home. SO much tasty stuff there :-) Tomo they are taking the afternoon off so we can go on an adventure and then we have all of saturday too, before i leave on the night-flight home.

ohmygodiseriouslydontwanttogohomeiloveitherepleasecanistay?!

So yesterday evening we chilled at the house, their son is about and altho he's abit younger than me, its nice to have some other young company around. He's working today aswell tho, so ive kindof been lazing about by the pool, reading my book (50shades of grey babaaaaay. hahaha. SO good) and surfing t'internet. Its a bit of a change to be left to my own devices, considering ive been pretty much with my friends 24/7 for the week and a half since i got here (altho having my own bed last night was sooooo good. i slept like a baby!) But yeah, its still hard to shift that old feeling of "you should be doing something lazybones"... but im staying strong and sitting on it, cos i could go for a walk, but why should i? i dont think it would be for pleasure right now, cos im still very much in the ED head with the non-activity... im doing a hell of alot better and i STILL havent succumbed to the urges to walk/stretch! But i know if i DID go out alone, itd be cos i felt guilty for doing nothing. so im not gonna. Maybe if its cooler later i might ask if anyone else wants to go on a stroll with me, but not now. not on my own. and certainly not with the ED egging me on. No thanks!

Soooo, being so used to filling my empty time with exercise, im kindof at a loss as to what to do! Any ideas?! The guy - M, is working from home, so we just went out to Panera for some lunchums which was nice... I had the famous (well, my friends have told me about it!!!) strawberry, poppyseed and chicken salad... and yes, they were right... it was good. I had panera before, but i just chose a regular turkey sandwich and wasnt all that impressed. well clearly i ordered wrong! This was the shizz and i was muchos happy :-)

Now to get my brain abit more focused... im gonna do some research on nanny agencies over here. Cos after this trip Im even more determined than ever that the US is where i want to be. So i need to get my search on for potential nanny jobs that i could do while i get myself on my feet out here. I know id enjoy and be good at nannying, especially with my teaching backround... and it would give me the opportunity to get to know the american lifestyle and my surroundings, while (hopefully) living in with a family as their nanny. But, although it all sounds do-able, its still a very scary step for me to make... Im not the "fly by the seat of my pants" spontaneous type! So to make this massive leap into the unknown is a big deal for me. I like things planned and prepared and I cant really do that... Id have to quit my job (eek!!) and up sticks to another country, waaaay away from home! I know i can do it and i KNOW it'd be so good for me, but its scary nonethless! But i mean already being over here i feel so much calmer and happier, away from all my negative routines and bad memories at home.... I just need a fresh start, I see that now. A chance to find my own path instead of trying to fix all the broken bridges at home. Im not happy there, im constantly surrounded by all this bad feeling and negativity, its not helping me. I need to find my own way... to forge a future for ME. and america is where my heart lies people, as cheesy as that sounds! its always been a lifelong dream of mine, so i figure its time to grab life by the balls and GO FOR IT!!!

SO, first step... registering with a nannying agency. My family friends have said i can use their address to register and then start to make contact from there. I can suss out what kindof jobs would be available and then figure out my next move. I have told myself that this is the year i do it. theres no point hiding in the shadows any longer, i want change and i want it bad!!! So even if i havent secured something before i quit my job, i will hand in my notice by the end of the school year regardless. That way i have a target... i will have to sort something out, even if its just coming over here and waitressing for abit until i find something. Life should be an adventure, not a bore. If it all goes wrong, i can pack up and go home... whats the worst that could happen?!?!

Anyways, tonight we have some friends coming over for dinner, so its a chance for me to pick their brains about work and employment etc... it's "grown up sensible clem" time. Less of the dancing about being silly with my friends, and more of the business time :p

Oh and we're having lobster.... 

DAMN i love america 

:-)