not again

This is so stupid.

I woke up this morning and it was pouring with rain outside. So what was my first thought? Yup, you guessed it...

"SHIT, that messes up my walking"

and HERE we GO again 

:-(

Urrrhhhh, i hate this stupid incessant blockage in my head that cant just piss off and GO AWAY. why does it make me feel like i have to walk, that i have to follow a routine, that bad things will happen to my body if i dont do it.... its bullsh*t, i know that. And even tho i like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent person, it STILL convinces me. it STILL makes me feel obliged and compelled and frankly... i dont need it, i dont want it and i most certainly do NOT like it.

I thought it was getting better, cos i have drastically cut back on my walking since coming to america, im happy to not do anything when im distracted and have things to do. But then coming to stay with my family friends here in the 'burbs has given it a sneaky chance to crawl back in... subtly tho, ill give it that. its not like its charged in and demanded i do a crazy amount... oh, but its there. It has me locked in again. It starts as soon as i wakeup... i think how nice it'd be to just lay in bed and snooze. but instead of following this, i get that familiar twinge of guilt and so out of bed i hop, pull on some clothes and nip out for a stroll with my ipod. Every night i tell myself i'll be stronger... but then i go to sleep, i wakeup and BAM, there it is again.

Now thats not to say that alot of the time i dont come back feeling refreshed, awake, happy and GLAD that i went. cos truth be told, i do enjoy it! and it IS good to get some fresh air in the mornings and wake up at a decent hour instead of lazing in a smelly pit of darkness all morning... Im down with that and I am naturally a morning person (and god knows ill have to be in less that a weeks time when im back at school with raging jetlag!!!) But there is a fine line between doing something cos its good for you and you enjoy it... as opposed to doing something cos its good for you but you're scared that if you dont do it you will be bad.

Yup, theres that old "im bad and must therefore earn the right to exist" things again... its so damn frustrating sometimes, especially when i KNOW that i have to gain weight and i KNOW that being sedentary is better for me, health-wise. But its not like i do a big amount, when i have managed to not do anything, i havent ballooned in weight or even really had any phsyical changes at all... so WHY does it still make all that much difference to me?? why do i still feel like i have to do it in order to go about my day?? what makes me so different that i have to earn the right to just live.... 

Either way, im sick of it... This has no place in my head anymore. i dont want to be a slave to its demands, i want a choice. So this morning, even though it felt horrible. I pulled my blanket up high and refused to get up and walk. It was easier knowing that it was raining and i had an excuse, but still... I felt irritated with myself, i felt weak and i felt like a lazy slob. Fun. But... it passed. Well, kindof in waves actually... one minute i was fine and then i was back to thinking that i needed to do something or id just mutate into flubbery goo. WHERE DOES THAT EVEN COME FROM??!!? plenty of people dont exercise and they still have normal bodies, they still have muscle, tone and shape. its not like if you DONT do "toning" you wont have any muscle... or if you dont do "cardio" you wont be able to walk without falling over in a heap! so why is my brain so warped?!?!

Cold turkey is what i KNOW shud be the answer. but i dont think that that is even fully possible cos I am active just by being me. Even if i stop all additional walking, got lifts to and from work (also not entirely possible!) i would still be active while at work. 

does that mean im jeopordising my chances at recovery?? 

I guess now is the time to really pull rank over this compulsion and NOT do anything, while i can. Ive spotted that its already become an issue again, so thats the first step, right? Catch it before it becomes bad again....? So then at least i can ease up to doing as little as possible when i DO start back at work. i just dont want to end up making myself add-on extras like i used to do (i cant even believe how much "unnecessary" walking i added on to my days while at work last year) Im determined not to let it get the better of me this time tho. cos it really doesnt make any difference and so whats the point of flogging my poor body for nothing!?! Nope, its gotta be bare minimum. but in order to be ok with that, i think its almost ESSENTIAL that i quit it all for this week before i go home. urhhhh, so hard. so scary.

what do you think?

encouragement please!!!

Anyways, the rain stopped so i took the dog out for a walk instead of going for one of my walks. she's pretty big and old and therefore very slow and has a tendency to stop every few paces to sniff and wee (seriously, i thought MY bladder was bad!!) so its frustratingly short and slow-paced... which KILLS me, but is exactly what i need to start challenging those thoughts that urge me to go faster, harder, stronger. 

i must lean to say NO. then i can start to re-wire my faulty brain...

umm... so...

does anyone out there have a degree in neuro-physics?!? 

:p