oh my days...!

My suitcase appears to have shrunk....

i SWEAR it was bigger on the way out here! ok, so i might have acquired a few additional items on my journeys, but seriously... how on earth am i gonna get all this stuff in?

It looks abit like the suitcase threw up.... 

nice eh?! 

Sooo, its with a sad face that i must conclude: the end of my american adventure is nigh. Well so nigh in fact that today is going to be full of fun errands such as 

tidy the house

clean up my room

put the bins out

wash my clothes  (broken washing machine scrapped that one!)

last supermarket visit, to stock up on goodies :-)

take the dog to the kennels

take the son to work and say goodbyes

pack my suitcase (leave that one till last minute, obvs)

Im not actually leaving till tomo morning, but my flight is earrrrrly, which means i have to be there super earrrrrly! im aiming to be out of the house by 5:30am(ish) which means if i can get everything done by tonight, i can get up at 5am, and roll my sleepy ass into the car to drive the (hopefully empty) route to the airport....

*must get everything done by tonight*

must must MUST!!!

Im feeling quite good about going home, which is nice cos i have been missing it. Little things, like my bed and spending time on the sofa with the mumatron in the evenings (altho im hoping to leave behind any "stressful eating dinner arguments" of the past) Im looking forwards to seeing my friends and getting back to work and not living my life to a strict routine like i used to. I am going to be hyper aware of my actions over the next couple of weeks... i do NOT under any circumstances want to slip back into "safe" habits.... i want to keep challenging myself. Do things on a whim, be spontaneous, do stuff that scares me or upsets my ED. Cos i know all the issues are still there, i am getting better at handling them and standing up to the ED, but thats not to say that it wont fight tooth and nail to get me back to where i was pre-america. or pre-unit for that matter.

Ahh, the unit.

I havent really mentioned it much (obvs, cos i havent been there!!!) but yeah, its basically shut down now. Alot of the people who were there when i was have discharged themselves or cut their days or just given up... which is sad. but to be honest, the service wasnt the best and its still finding its feet. so maybe in the next cycle, theyll get a better grasp on what needs to be done. But i wont be there to show them! Im outta there.... I have to go back for my assessment next week, but other than that, im signing out. i dont need them anymore... they werent really getting me anywhere mentally anyway, so i figure its best to just go for this recovery myself now. i know full well what i want from my life and my recovery and now its just a case of fighting hard against the inevitable backlash that my anorexia will give me. I dont care for it anymore... it doesnt rule me. im not scared of being without it. and THAT is the main difference. it doesnt play a functional part in my life anymore.... its like a dirty plaster. you leave it on in case the cut is still bleeding and you like that it is keeping the cut safe from the world, but in reality... its not necessary. its better for the cut to heal in the open air. YES its hard to rip it off, but its better when you do, cos then you see that even tho you couldnt see it, your cut has healed and is ready to embrace the world of "plaster-free" living again!

was that possibly the weirdest metaphor ever?! did i really just refer to recovery as a plaster?!?! or as i shud say now that im fully-fledged american - a "band-aid" :p

Anyhoo. rambles aside. Im excited to get home. i want to see my mama at the airport... i want to give her a big hug and tell her that im okay. i want to show her that im okay... I want to eat and be happy and be free and be me again. 

So today i pack up my fresh positivity and haul it back to my old life in order to start my NEW beginning...

Wish me luck y'all 

:-)