progress

Ok so ive been doing well with the "wear more of my nice clothes" challenge... 

todays outfit: check the birdie skirt!!!

BUT today i realised ive come across a snag. Now I dont know if this is a "dont deserve nice things" issue or an anorexic issue (or maybe both, theyre probably co-related, right?!) but i have a weird fear....

Im afraid of wearing jeans!

Now this isnt a sort of "im afraid cos they are too snug" fear or something. cos i actually WANT them to fit snugly (altho i dont really like the way the highlight my lack of booty, but thats another whine for another day :p)

Its hard to describe, but if i try to pin the feeling down, i suppose i worry that if i wear them, then they will become loose and wont fit nicely. Does that make sense?!?! I sort of worry that they will get all out of shape and then ill have to wash them, but if i wash them they will loose their new-ness and the colour will fade and they wont ever look as nice as when they are "box-fresh".

Even as i type this im thinking to myself, clembot... you are SUCH a dork. But its for reals!!! i have this belief where its like if im going to wear them, then they need to earn their wear. So i should only wear them for occasions where they wont get ruined or i wont have to sit down or bend or stretch them out of shape, which again is just riDONKulous, cos jeans are for wearing! and since they are stretchy jeans for gods sake they even have stretch IN them!! ohmygod i am such a weirdo! :p

Ok, so heres the lowdown. I have this really nice pair of dark green stretchy jegging type jeans that i got in abercrombie and fitch when i was in america. They fit really well (if i say so myself!!) they dont make my arse look like a flat pancake and they fit my legs snug-ly but arent too tight around the waist. To break it down for you... basically, me likey.

BUT, the consequence of this, is that i wont allow myself to wear them... cos i think i will somehow tarnish them. (Same old ramble here im afraid...) but the annoying thing is that these jeans would be PERFECT to wear to work, cos they are smart, tailored and not actual denim. But oh noooo, gubbins here feels bad about wearing "nice" things to work. GAAAAH!!! its like i feel good in them, but i also feel bad at the same time. I WANT to wear them, but i cant. It annoys me, cos lets face it... i might aswell get the most out of them... im at work 5days out of 7, so why shouldnt i use this as a chance to get the nice stuff out. Its not like popping to the shops on a sunday morning in your trackies... people WILL see them. They will get appreciated by a gazillion secondary-school age pupils who, since they have to wear the same dull uniform everyday, im SURE notice what the staff wear! So why cant i let myself look nice??? Is it cos i dont feel like i deserve it??? 

Maybe if i had an office job, or something where i didnt move about so much, i wouldnt be so concerned. If i drove to work and didnt face the weather! (or the long walk :-s) but then i know the other side of me would hate that i couldnt be moving about... id worry that i shud be active. but then thats just another facet of my disorder isnt it? the need to be busy in an "active" form. I know im active in my job, but im active on TOP of that, which really isnt helping my mentality about exercise OR my continuous battle to gain back some much needed weight... I know i shouldnt be walking to school and back, i came back with such optimism that i wouldnt do any unnessecary walking, but even tho im not "adding on" yet... im still doing more than i was over the holidays. Which isnt making me happy. I havent really made steps to cut back either, even tho i am aware that im doing more that i was and definitly more than would be recommended for someone of my low BMI (hell, some people wouldnt even say i should be working, let alone walking) I have still been taking the same route to work and back (30mins each way, at a brisk pace) partly cos the weather was nice and in that first week back we didnt have to be in that early... but now its back to normal, im still doing the same. Except i have to get up earlier and its colder. so even tho i enjoyed it before, im starting to not enjoy it so much... but unfortunatly im back in the habit and its very hard to change that. Sadly its not even just this, cos i usually pop into town in my break too, im not RIGID with the amount i do in town, just getting some lunch and browsing the shops, but it just happens that most of the time if i go to the same shops, i end up doing the same loop around town and then back to work (probs again about 30mins, slower pace) which adds on, giving me a total ACTUAL walk time of 1 and a 1/2 hours, not including the bobbing about i do at work, going up and down stairs carrying books, general teaching effort! ohhh dear, does this mean im back in that stupid 30mins weird rut routine?? does it mean im AGAIN jeapordising my recovery with this kindof quasi-recovery thing everyone talks about. (probs not cos even tho i eat when im hungry, im probs not eating enough, to compensate.. so. i guess its just plain old, your not recovering yet ladyface. nice try) NOOOO i cant believe it... i was so determined NOT to get back into this and it would appear that ive unknowingly slipped into it again. Its hard to spot, cos it really doesnt feel like that much when im out and about... but then if i think about it. i DO get home and feel exhausted, that shud be a clear sign should it. Urh, i just thought that cos i am busy at work anyways, that was it. But really, i should count that as a reason why so i shouldnt be adding more onto that. Argh, BUMFLAPS. 

ok, so im gonna need your help please! i need to get on this now, so it doesnt get to be an issue. I dont feel as compelled as i did before the holidays, so hopefully there's still time to nip this beehatch in the bud before i feel completely overwhelmed and powerless. (which is NOT an option) 

So I guess first things first, i need to cut back to only walking ONE way. I usually walk the scenic route cos its nicer and i guess thats why i didnt see it as a problem... but the reason i flagged this up tonight, is cos i kinda wanted to walk back through town this afternoon and i didnt. cos i thought id get a "better walk" if i went my usual way. Clearly a red warning sign right there... so. i need a plan. 

Tomo is friday, so we're all going to the pub after work :-) This is quite useful, cos it means that ill be occupied and distracted and wont have a load of empty time after work. So after the pub, i will walk the quick way back home through TOWN, instead of the long scenic route. If i feel shit about that, well then that just means its working. i need to be strong on this....

Do you ever find yourself slipping into old habits without realising that its happening??? I was so determined to be ON this one, i guess cos ive been so busy thinking about trying to get out more and have fun and do all these new exciting things that I HAVE been doing, i didnt notice that i was reverting to some of my old coping techniques... whenever im busy or stressed, i walk to clear my head. which is GOOD for the unwinding, but BAD for the weight gain aim!

(note to self: must find other ways of clearing head....)

Im not gonna beat myself up about this, cos i really feel like i AM making some really good progress. I eat when im hungry even when ive had alot. I ignore the guilt and listen to my hunger. AND im making new friends, getting out and about again and being more comfortable in my own skin.

SO, its not a bad day, its just a day of realisations. a day where i notice i need to keep check on the other parts of my life. This will always be a part of me, but i will learn to juggle all the balls till im so good i get offered a job in the circus :-)

If anything, im always optimistic!!!