point to me

Well people.....

I DID IT!!!

Yup i went out and had my fish & chips... and you know what?! I survived...! :-)

(and im pretty smug and proud. HA)

Ahh, see if i wasnt feeling so damn sluggish today, id be woop wooping all over the shop (you know me!) But annoyingly, despite kicking it to my ED in the eating out stakes... my grumpy stomach still isnt too happy about the new found party going on in his "area". Cue YET another night of not-so-much-fun ness in the bathroom. GAH, this whole digestive issue is really getting me down to be honest. I know its something i have to live with and im ok with that, its a part of me now. I had it under control before, but it just seems like since i had the old gastro last week, it has been up and down like a bloody yo-yo... One minute i feel fine and its all systems go, then the next im doubled up again... jeez, what do you WANT from me stomach?! you'd think it'd be GRATEFUL that im trying to give it the food and nourishment that it lacked for so long, now all it seems to be doing is punishing me for trying to recover :-(

is it rude to say - IM OVER IT!?!

But dont worry, its not all doom and gloom! cos the more i struggle, the more it makes me WANT this recovery. Its like for all this time i would restrict myself from eating nice food and feel guilty for even thinking about indulging in it... but now that i am trying to let go of that control and go for it, pushing myself out of my comfort zones and genuinely trying to make chages, ive had to suffer the setbacks of this inflammed irritation and go back to eating bland foods again. I want to eat rich, decadent, yummy foods... the forbidden fruits of my anorexia. But im finding it so damn hard!

Strangely enough tho, it hasn't fed back into my fear of trying to eat things... which is weird (but good!) When i first got ill and all this digestive nonsense started, i became terrified of eating certain foods in case they triggered a reaction in my gut... this led onto restricting foods that made me sick and then spiralled further into restricting all foods i thought were "unhealthy" or "unsafe", hence a negative view of food and the consequential development of the ED i now battle everyday.

Weirdly, this hasnt happened this time! If anything, i am even more determined to get on with recovery!! I think ive now realised that i cant predict what might trigger a reaction and i cant control my body... it will work in its own sweet way, i just need to trust it! When it gets upset and i feel sick, i need to remember: thats not it letting me down as i previously thought... its actually it working on my side trying to get whatever nasty thing out of my body and save me from more pain. So i need to listen and trust that it will help me out in this difficult time.

Just like i have to trust it to let me eat enough to find my healthy weight...

note to self: remember my body is NOT the enemy!

But like so many others, ive been scared of the thought of gaining and not stopping. I know and ive been told that my body will find its set point and then settle out. But I still need to believe it, believe that i am NOT an exception to the rule! My therapist helped me see through this in yesterdays session... I need to approach this weight gain as an experiment, i have come to the point where i truly feel that there is no going back. So basically, i want to test this theory of weightgain... even if i DO gain a load of weight very fast (which is unlikely, but hey i need to put it on anyway... why wait!?) AND i will know what i need to cut back on to maintain my health. Its clear i CAN lose weight, im a goddam pro! But can i gain weight? Who knows, I havent given myself the chance to see that yet. And how else will i ever know how my body works, what i maintain on and what i can really do if i just give my body the chance... if i dont see what happens when i eat more and move less.

sometimes i wish someone would take off my "anorexic head" for a minute!

(LOVE david Shrigley's drawings, he's one funny dude)

Scary thought, but what's the alternative at this stage? Im damaging my health, putting my career in jeopardy and hurting my family and friends. Why would i want to do this to the things i hold dear, just so i can be thinner than other people? just so i can hang onto a security blanket that is more killer than companion? Answer: I dont....

And thats why, even tho its a physical challenge, im gonna keep going. if i have to suffer some discomfort, then i will use that pain to make me stronger in this fight. the pain will like the my physical manifestation of the ED, punishing me for disobeying... but this wont deter my fight, cos who wants to give in to an abuser. NOT ME!!!!!

So for all you people out there who are facing these same struggles... remember that you are STRONGER than this, you CAN overcome it and ohhhh, it will be worth it :-)

So off i go to make myself some lunch, even tho i dont feel like it, even tho my tummy hurts... because i KNOW its the right thing to do....

Its all about choices peeps...

so lets try our hardest to make the right ones!

xxx