Ive been reflecting on my recovery these past few days and im not happy. Im not happy cos i feel like im a big cheater.
I have been all upbeat and optimistic, cos i AM gaining (my weigh in on monday showed i was up another pound, now creeping slowly out of the danger zone, thank GOD for that)
but inside im a bag of confusion and nerves... Yes, I may be putting on weight, but my ED habits are far from relinquished :-(
If anything i feel like they have been exaggerated lately, because now ive started to feel both guilty for gaining (EDs thoughts)... yet at the same time guilty for not doing this recovery thing properly... (my thoughts??) i feel like im still hiding....
Now i know that there is no "right" way to approach recovery, and hey if im gaining then thats all that matters... but is it??? I dont think so and its this thats bothering me. I tried to talk to my therapist about it, but he's not very helpful cos i think he's just so glad that im consistently putting on weight as opposed to the gain half a pound, lose a whole pound scenario that was this summer... But that doesnt help my mental situation. Im not planning on doing anything silly, like stop eating. But its more about the habits i have already that i dont like.
For example, when my nutritionist set me out my basic MP she had me on 3meals and 2snacks. Now it was a big hurdle just to start having lunches, they used to be a big fear for me cos i saw them as a needless indulgence. HA! as if! Luckily, im over that!!! I need lunch to be able to function at work, i see that. But the morning snack, altho it was on the MP, kiiiindof got left out. Its not something i feel like i need. no wait, i know i NEED it... but its not something ive done. Im not usually that hungry mid morning and so i skipped it. and nobody asked about it, so i never bothered. Stupid i know, but now im thinking, hey... im gaining anyway so who cares about that little snack? But what frustrates me, is that i may be gaining, but im not doing it the way i should. Im NOT eating the full amount of cals, i DO scrimp on things, eg carbs with dinner. I tend to skip cos i have a big bowl of cereal before bed. is that ok?? NO, but hey... im gaining anyway. Argh! Plus my exercise urges are not normal... or healthy! i freak out if i miss my walk into school. The other morning one of my colleagues saw me and offered me a lift. How nice right?! NOOOOOO i spent the whole day worrying about it and resulted in taking time out to go for an extra walk to make up for it. thats not normal! i hated myself for doing it, but i couldnt handle the guilt if i didnt.
GOD i just wish i didnt have this stupid voice in my head telling me i need to do stuff. why cant i desice for myself without being controlled by my ED. its doing my head in!!!
Anyway. Im sorry if this has been a somewhat depressing ranty post. I dont want to be a downer and im trying to find a way to push through and get back to my usual self. I just wanted to be honest. Cos altho on the whole i am that upbeat, optimistic person....
i am also only human!
i hurt, i get upset, i get angry, i FEEL...
and in a way, im glad of that... at least im not numb to it anymore.
and this is what drives me.
i want change
So basically, time to stop faffing! i need to get it together. But how, when im still so confused?
Why am i gaining if im scrimping/not sticking to my set plan?
Will i gain even more if i try to stop so much activity & just eat more?
SHOULD i stop the activity, is it simply fuelling my obsessive ED control?
all in all: Whats the best way to get this ball rolling properly???
I kindof want to just jump myself into doing this for real, cos if im gaining anyway then whats the point in stalling and potentially ending up maintaining on a sub-normal amount... cos that is the one thing that is freaking me out the most right now... i know its vain, but the idea that i will mess up my metabolism and then not be able to stop and eat a normal amount with a normal exercise routine scares me more than anything.
Please can someone reassure me that i wont balloon if i try and recover properly with more food and less activity. Cos i want to do it, I just need some advice and support cos that sneaky ED is telling me that its a dangerous move to make, especailly if im gaining as it is.. But im not convinced, if im going to get over the mental hold that my ED still has on me, somethings gotta change....
I dont want to be "stuck in the mud" anymore!
So im calling on you lovely peeps to give me some help, some support, some guidance, whatever you've got!!! chuck your two cents my way, ill take all i can get :-)
xxx
Hi!!!!!!! omg, i got so exiced reading your post, i still am and i am typing really fast, lol, why? well it could be all the sugar i have in my tea, ha, but no seriously, its because WE ARE THE SAME PERSON!! AND because i feel like what u are on some sort of breakthrough stance, ready for a new part of recovery. Ive been there, Ive not pushed through it-yet-but ive been there.
ReplyDeleteThe reality is, this eating diorder is not just about weight, its abut freedom with food, so for you to let your guard down and eat more while moving less, well that would be a huge step forward in reliquishing the control food has over you while at the same time achieveing the things you mentioned-better metabolism etc..
So i would say go for it, youve a lot to gain (*figuratively speaking*) from doing that.
I want to do the same thing, shall we do it together? mealplan together> mail me!
fi
xxxx
I understand your fear of maintaining on sub-normal. I'm scared of the same thing, since I work out so much. The only thing you can do, if you're going to be exercising or gaining is to EAT A LOT. Right now, your metabolism is screwed up because of anorexia. At the moment, it is maintaining on less than normal. Thus, you must eat considerably MORE than normal for it to speed up again.
ReplyDeleteI have like 2 weeks of my cross country season left, and if I don't start increasing soon, I know I'm going to be in trouble. YOU MUST EAT.
And it won't even make you gain that much faster because your metabolism will speed up as you eat. I do recommend that you stop exercising, but I understand your aversion to that. It really aids the metabolic repair though.
Best of luck
♥Alexandra
You're so right and your therapist is SO off - recovery is about so much more than JUST gaining back the weight. The same way that anorexia is so much more than just being skinny. It's the whole mental obsession with food and numbers and perfection. In fact, I think I'm "over" being skinny - I don't want to be skin and bones anymore! Like you, I want to LET GO...that's where the real recovery begins.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this'll be of any help, but it's something I did to deal with the rules ED set out for me: Everytime ED tells you to do or not to do something, write it down. At the end of the day/week/whatever, look at them and realize how DUMB they are. Then, pick ONE to challenge yourself with that day. Just one - just decide that next time ED tells you to do or not to do xx, do the OPPOSITE and do what CLEMMY wants. Because in the end, you're the one who matters here :)
On another note, I was just scrolling through your post just now and thought that the green part said "I want cheese" instead of "I want change". I am some kind of special, aren't I?! ;P
izzyy
xoxoxo
i can relate a lot to what you said in this post. i too am gaining weight but it feels that i always need a part of my day to punich me. may it be not having that snack i was suppose to have and want to have. allowing myself more rest. anorexia always finds something to make me not like to be myself and not wanting to live in my body.
ReplyDeletemy therapist had a nice way of looking at it. there are two sides in us. the 'i have to' part (eg. i have to skip the snack) and there is the soft and comfortable part in us that want us to feel well inside us. right now i am tryign to lsiten to that comfortable side of myself a little more. it's really hard but start asking yourself 'what feels good for me now' if it's the morning snack then GO for it. it's your comfortable voice telling you!
have a wonderful weekend
I don't think there's really any "right" way to recovery. Everyone is different and that's okay. As long as we gain, feel good about ourselves, and recover then we'll be okay. We really just have to let ourselves do whatever we want. The ED made up so many rules for us that it wasn't fun anymore. So if we don't feel like exercising, don't! And if we feel like having that piece of cake, what's stopping us?
ReplyDeleteAw sweetie, I'm so so sorry you're feeling like this :( I wish there was an easy answer but there isn't really..You're right that there is so much more to recovery than weight. But even if you are gaining on what you are eating even though it's not your full MP, what harm would eating a morning snack do? I mean it will probably only be 100 cals or so..so what? I doubt it's actually going to make any difference because your body is so malnourished and your metabolism will soon pick up once you start eating more believe me. It's quite weird how the body does that but mine is going into hyperdrive since I started to eat more normally and I can assure you that every other person in recovery will say the same. Plus, even if you do eat more, what's the worst that can happen? You gain weight right? Well you know you need to gain weight anyway and no one will even notice! All the negative thoughts are in your head and they're not rational. Write them down because I promise you, when you look at them you will see your thoughts from a more normal point of view and think that they are stupid. Something like 'I can't eat a cereal bar this morning' would just be stupid to a normal person!!
ReplyDeleteI know this is all easier said than done but you have NOTHING to lose. You can worry about your weight when you get to a healthy weight but in the meantime nothing should be stopping you from having what you want. If you go about, you will see normal people just eating foods that you wouldn't dare touch. Why? Because they ENJOY them. They don't need to gain weight but they want to be happy and that's what you need to learn again. And that extra piece of cake that they want to have won't make them want to exercise more or make them gain weight either..just try and stand back from situations and think 'how would a normal person be in this situation?" because there is a healthy part of you in there who knows what the answer is..you just need to listen to it.
Stay strong sweetie xxxxxx