GAHHH.

Now it actually bums me out bigtime to post this, especially just after re-reading my muchos over-excited post of the other day.... but sadly, the truth is: im not as "better" as i thought i was.

BOOOOOOOO, why does this have to happen?!?

I thought id kicked this gastroentiritis thing... i mean i took the week off, i slept, i ate dry toast AND crisps (all against ED's wishes!) i thought id done my time in the sickbed!

I was wrong. Now dont worry yourselves, im not at death's door or anything! heck, im still going into work. im not BAD like i was last week, but im just not right either :-(

It kicked off again last night. the feeling of sicky dread.... concrete in my stomach, the gurgles the (ahem) trapped wind and nasty bloatedness. Yup there it was, no hiding.

And even tho i thought it might pass today, it rumbled on through my lessons ("miss, whats UP with your stomach, its making some proper funny noises...") oh the shame!

So whats up with this!?! I dont know if its a continuing inflammation from my other digestive problems that is causing the initial infection to hang around like a bad smell... (too much again?!?! haha, im sorry!) But it sucks ass. im not happy. In fact i had what can only be described as "a proper strop" this afternoon! I got home and was lazing around like a self-pitying grumpster, snapping for no reason and generally being bolshy, but then get this....

i BURST into tears!!!

Spongebob, i feel ya buddy...

yup, i couldnt even really explain, i was just overwhelmed and frustrated with the lack of energy, with the lack of ability to do what i can normally do and more than anything the lack of BEING ABLE TO EAT!!!!!!

But luckily, my mum being the star that she is, did NOT pander to my little tantrum, she ignored me!!! yes, i was fuming. But then i thought about my behaviour and how childish i was being, considering some people have far worse situations! that i picked myself up, gave myself a little pep talk and got on with the day.

I cant MAKE myself better, i can give my body the time and rest it needs to fix itself... but thats the best i can do. I need to stop always trying to be the best at everything. Sometimes i need to kick back and let someone else do the running... it doesnt make me a failure, it means i will be more capable next time. If i overdo it now, i will pay the price for it later.... But DANG is it hard to sit back and take time out when all i wanna do is be back to normal again! :-p

I think this is a valuable lesson to me right now, i need to stop pushing myself to the limit. Its like nothing is good enough, i always need to do more... Well when am i gonna be satisfied, when im in the hospital?! I know its my own fault for getting myself into this crazy routine and my ED doesnt help, because overachieving is one of the characteristics that go hand in hand with anorexia. But that is not an excuse.

I posted a while back about learning to STOP, LISTEN and LEARN..... well peeps, i think its time to start listening to my wise advice again!

when you look back on a difficult situation...

what advice would you give yourself if you could?

xxx