krispykremes & check shirts

Yesterday was fun... i LOVE going to shopping centres, a massive building full of shops?! sounds good to me!

I was determined to enjoy my day, even tho i knew i was going to have to challenge myself food-wise, which despite my stomach troubles... I DID! And what better way to challenge yourself than a little trip to krispy kremes :-)

the day started off abit bleeh, id had yet another bad night (why does it ALWAYS get worse at night?! sucks...) so mum wasnt sure if we should go, but i was adamant that i wanted to! I seriously couldnt face another day sat at home staring at the wall! So we decided to leave a little earlier to avoid the half term traffic (mum said) i said she was mad, and guess who was right?! here's a clue: we drove straight there and found a whole car park full of free spaces :-p

but No worries, it meant we had time to nip to starbucks and get mum a cwafeeeee before her comp appt. (seriously, i know im a MAC-lover, but its so good that you can book sessions with a trainer to help you figure out your comp! mum was PC for years so when she moved over to the dark side, heheh, she needed a little help y'know. anyway, now she's hooked! she gets free training for a year and she be making the mosty!) i had me a little snack then we parted ways, her in search of a geeky tech to talk megabytes and me in search of some FASHION! ahh clothes make me happy :-)

i didnt buy anything, im a little strapped for cash at the mo, espesh since i have to pay off this holiday at xmas... but i like to browse anyway. Saw some nice stuff, but im still feeling abit off trying on clothes since loosing some of my hard-earned weight being sick... Im still super concerned that im not gonna be able to reach my goal of 10lbs on by xmas, but more on that laterrr.

this is what i wore anyway... (me + checked shirts = love x a gazillion)

Apologies for the "interesting" camera angle!

when i met back up with mama, she wanted to eat lunch but it was early and id only just had my snack! So she got a panini while we browsed and i picked up that illusive pret a manger baguette that had been playing on my mind for a while.... result? white baguette tastes good and does not kill me! YIPEE!

we also stopped by this place for some naughty treats!

KRISPY KREEEEEEMES!

I told myself i would have a doughnut, but it doesnt make it any easier to eat. I get so frustrated with myself at the minute... cos i KNOW i need to gain weight and im ok with that, i want this recovery so bad. but when it comes to actually putting the food in my mouth. its a battle every time :-( I know people say it gets easier, i just damn well hope so! cos i want to enjoy food again, and at the moment... im still not really doing that.

Not that it doesnt taste good. IT DOES! but the feelings of guilt afterwards are still there and that isnt helped by the fact that at the moment, those feelings are slap bag next to the feelings of digestive discomfort... which ED loves, the bastard!

Whoa, u better believe that glazed kicked up a serious sugar high

Speaking of which, i just had a telephone consultation with my doc... which was a bloody HOUR late! (sure, i dont mind sitting by the phone for an hour waiting, dum de dum...) altho sadly saying that, i really didnt cos its not like i have much else to do!

Anyway, long story short... i have to lump it. My digestive problems have been aggravated by this viral infection and it means the problems i have with my gut are reacting with the acid in my stomach and its gonna take a while to settle down again. could be a couple of weeks, could be a month, who knows.... (A MONTH!!!!! what!!!! nooooooo)

So i just have to grin and bear it. im gonna have to learn to TAKE IT EASY! i cant battle on like i normally would (and have been trying to do) cos my body is just not ready for it. his parting words were "listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs". Yes, wise words, but it could almost be like speaking double dutch to a recovering anorexic who doesnt yet know how to trust her body....

well, this is gonna be interesting!

I can only do what i can, if i dont gain those 10lbs i cant beat myself up about it... I will do my best and try my damndest not to let ED use this as an excuse to restrict. If i can eat, i will eat. when im hungry and when my body wants it. Cos i cant really go on set "times" at the mo, sometimes dinnertime rolls around and im feeling so nauseous that if i try to force food down, it ends up making me feel a million times worse (case in point last night: i had what i thought would be an easy dinner of roasted veg & couscous, but it did not go so well. (couldnt finish it, had to move plate cos it made me feel so sicky....) so i thought id try some fruit and yoghurt.... again not so much, so what did old cleverclogs do? forced down some cereal "just in case". MISTAKE! i had to crawl up to bed and hug myself to sleep.... im a sad lil pup when im sick, i need my bed, my soft pillows and my mum! lets just say the foetal position is called that for a reason!!! im such a baby!!!

Anyway. im really sorry if your starting to tire of my endless stomach blues. believe me, I AM!

But this is all part of my struggle so i think i need to make sure i address it as i move through this difficult time, which will hopefully lead to brighter things once i get past it.

Im sure i will be posting more exciting things soon, so stick with me! but for now, rest and repair are the big R's in my recovery.....

xxx