grumbletum

Mornin to all you lovely people, altho im afraid to say its not a particularly good one, sadly....

cos i am a sickly pickle :-(

It all kicked off on sat evening, when we went upto london. i was feeling abit "off" most of the day, and when it came to the thought of dinner, certain foods were making me feel abit queasy... not one to be put off by such trivialities, i had a nice easy omelette for and though a good nights sleep would do the trick.

It did not......

i was tossing and turning all night and even had to wake up my mum and ask her to get me a hot water bottle to put over my achey tum. i was not a happy bunny!

Roll forwards to sunday morning, i woke up feeling not too bad but still abit grumbly. i knew i had to be up for my haircut at 9am, so i skipped any form of stretching and had abit of extra time in bed instead. Haircut went ok (altho to be honest-i barely noticed, i still havent looked at it properly yet!) i got ready for work, had a bowl of (what i thought would be) hearty tummy loving porridge and set off. Hearty porridge churning around in my belly was not a nice feeling, and when i made it into work i was not feeling tip top. THEN one of the girls made some very gloopy looking porridge there and ooooh dear. it set me off. CUE extreme nausea and some very nasty tummy spasms.

I barely got thru an hour at work before i called it quits and dragged my sorry excuse for a body back to bed.... (while amassing a few very funny looks as i lounged by the bus stop holding my tescos plastic "makeshift sickbag". did i care?! not a jot, a girls gotta be prepared and sick-on-a-bus is not something you want to encounter more than once-ive had my one time, it was alcohol related and that story shall be saved for a time when my stomach isnt so delicate... remind me in a week or so!)

Anyhoo, i crawled into bed and stayed there till my mum picked me up and drove me back home, bump bump bump.

why do car journeys always seem to take HOURS longer when ur sick?

When we finaly got home, i got into my nice cosy bed and have yet to emerge. I called in sick at work (cos there was no WAY that was gonna happen) but still had to arrange cover work etc so since i had my comp out, i thought id spill my sad woeful tale to you guys... Sorry!

The infuriating thing about this kindof illness, is that mentally i feel fine. I dont have a headache, i dont feel incapable... that is until i try to do anything! Im not the kindof girl who likes to sit and wallow in bed all day, i get very frustrated that i cant do what i want to do. I know i should use it as time for my body to catch up, but boy is it hard!

Especailly since I get this type of stomach upset from time to time, in relation to my digestive problems... Now that i am more or less stable with my sitaution, i can challenge myself to eat noramlly without stressing about what ingredients are in what all the time. But when i start getting reactions to things that arent high on my "avoid" list, i start to worry, cos that usually means tht there is a possibility for a bigger relapse, where my gut becomes overly sensitive to the foods i put in and my intolerances go through the roof.... a whole lot of nasty, let me tell u!

Nevertheless, I am determined to keep a lid on it this time... ive learnt alot thru this illness and i know see more clearly as to how it controlled me and then spiralled into anorexic tendencies. I dont want to hurt my body, but i also dont want to let it get away with dragging me down. I fully believe in the power of poaitive thinking and i hope that if i continue to feed and nourish myself and not let myself get sucked into ED thoughts, then i can try and ride this out.

Im gonna need some good luck vibes tho people, so send them my way please!!!

I feel like i am on the cusp of something big in terms of my recovery, i have reached a point where i am fed up of everything ED holds and i want rid. But already being ill is chipping away at that self-confidence (i told you i was going to be honest from now on!)

For example, i KNOW that the fact that i havent been able to eat much over the past day or two will make it considerably harder to get back to eating more when i do feel better.... QUESTION: how do i see through this slump by trying to get in more cals while not trying to aggrevate my stomach? liquid cals?? high cal, low density?

one good thing is when i get this, i totally crave differnent foods! im dreamin of hot buttery toast and marmalade, big juicy burgers with cheese and crispy fries... the idea of a salad or some fruit makes my tummy say NOOOO!! weird hey?! But sadly, i cant digest red meat and im intolerant to dairy! But its nice to dream and it does make me push myself to have the things i wouldnt normally have like pasta and beans on toast, cos they are ultimate comfort foods and not too hard on the tumster.

Second honesty point is exercise. BOOO. its such a stupid thing to stress over,

but i just... cant.... let....it....go....

Im already thinking that ive missed my usual walk to school and back, i havent done any stretches this morning and im feeling too weak to bother doing much anyway (thinking i might even cancel therapy this avo, cos that wud mean getting out of bed! AND im scared that the scales might show that ive dropped :-s) i know i can get back on track, i have such an ace group of people out there giving me support, especially one star girl (you know who you are!) who seems to be in exactly the same place as me. I dont want to let her (or myself) down, so im doing this right this time. No excuse, no "oh but im ill, so i cant eat anything.....) i can eat and ill deal with the consequences! if it hurts, it hurts... it'll hurt alot more in the long run if i dont!

So there you go. A long rambling post about my troublesome tummy-ache. I hope i didnt bore you too much! Now im off to sleep abit more, might aswell catch up on those zzzz's.

have a nice monday people

and ill make do with watching the world from my bedroom window

xxx