A new week and a new month people! I love it when a new month collides with the start of a new week, it makes everything seem EXTRA refreshed and i get all motivated, silly i know but hey... sometimes you gotta find pleasure in the little things :-p
I know in recovery its very easy to say, right a new start and a fresh approach and blah blah blah and as soon as the day goes on, you slip into old habits and dont really take it as seriuosly as you promised yourself you would when u were all hyped up the night before... but not this time!
I know i dont have long left until holiday time, and every day counts! i know the dangers of complacency in this difficult time, any chance my ED gets to scrimp or restrict it will grab. i need to remove the opportunity for this but sticking with a set MP and pushing myself to give the finger (so to speak) to my ED at any possible chance!
i had a session with my nutritionist this morning to have a weigh in and chat about how i was getting on with my eats now that i can tolerate more substantial solid foods again after the gastro. She was pleased to hear about my conquests over half term... but stressed that i must not use them as "marker points"... yes its important to feel like ive achieved something, cos i HAVE! theres no way i would have been able to do some of that stuff a couple of months ago... but i have to try not to over dramatise them into BIG events that stand out... i need to make them the norm. A benchmark in which to meet or improve on each day that passes. She also said that i am STILL not eating enough (or a high enough amount of cals) she wants to shift me up to the big scary PLAN C!!!!! ooooooooh, its scary! but she said she would post me the plan and then to try and work my way up from my current plan onto the plan C, if i can.... cos i stayed the same weight this week and if im gonna get to my aim of 10lbs by xmas, i need to switch it up. rev the old ignition. fire up the food furnace. GET MUNCHING!!!!
Im certainly gonna give it a go!
I already feel like im making that shift... ive had the mental revelations. i KNOW this is what i want, but the physical side of putting my wants into action was always what was holding me back... the idea of putting my words into practice and actually EATING the way i wanted to was a big stumbling block. Today i feel like i made strides...
ive been saying for a while that im going to incorporate a pudding into my lunchtime, but have never quite managed it. There was always another excuse, im sure you've heard/used them all before! "im not hungry..." or "im busy..." or the baddie "ill have something bigger for dinner..." (i really dont want to keep saving cals for night time, its not normal to scrimp during the day. i need balance)
This made me think of my life - balancing my job teaching with my journey to recovery...
every day is a lesson, you never stop learning!
So today i went to boots and picked out a "meal deal"!!! usually i just buy the sammie, which i resent cos i pay about £2.50 just for the sammie, when for £2.99 i could get so much more! So today, i went for it! I got a mexican chicken wrap and a drink AND a pudding! granted it was only the fruit bowl (i havent quite worked up to the cakes yet!!) but the fact that i had all three was a big deal! (i actually had the fruit bowl as a snack between classes and then had my pre-packed homemade choc muffin as pudding...) but the thought is there!
Tomo i need to act on my nutritionists words. not just stop and say, "yes... that was good. i can sit back and relax now. im sure that ONE little change will help me gain weight...."
uhh WRONG!!!
I need to use my benchmark... (having the bigger lunch) and then improve on it (have a better pudding/bigger sammie etc)
So thats the aim for tomo. I dont want my weight to stay the same again next week, i want to see changes! otherwise how will i ever know what my body is capable of... i have no idea what i would need to gain properly, not water weight, not my body getting out of starvation mode, but ME... my ACTUAL body. Where is my set point?! What level of activity does my body feel happy with? What amount of food do i need? Where is my metabolism gonna settle? It sure as hell isnt happy with where i am now! So the answer is still: cut back on the exercise and eat up! simple right?! how many TIMES do i need to hear it?!?! (obviously some more, so feel free to post me some tough love people, I NEED IT!!! i get lazy otherwise and thats not a good thing)
i need to do this NOW so that i can then address finding that balance when im better :-)
Ok, a few Qns for ya's!
How have you gone about finding your balance?
What was your setpoint/maintaining level when you got to "healthy"?
if im 5'7 and 25 yrs old, what shud i be aiming for??
Wassup my long lost twinnie! :) *the age difference might be a problem tho!* :)
ReplyDeletehow about instead of
"eat more exercise less"-you be more specific, so that the words dont lose all meaning from saying them so many times
eg
"Force myself to eat three proper meals and three proper snacks a day and walk to work and then get a lift home"
By doing this you can reignite the meaning of the words!! and BIG YO'SELF UP!! and take charge! when u feel that resistance, PUSH through it, think of yourself this time next week, how gr8 it would be to be able to know yourself that u pushed yourself and got the results you wanted. Ill be on your case to make SURE U GET THERE and ill be cheering for u when u do :)xxxx
Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my blog!! I appreciate your encouragement so much : ).
ReplyDeleteI think building motivation is the hardest part. I can't tell you how long I thought about recovery, intended to recover, meant to eat more...blah blah blah before I started doing it. Recovery is very hard, but I'm finding it much easier than the horrible torment of mentally being in between ed and health. For me, during this time I remember being sooo proud of myself for eating 2 extra pretzels some nights. Emotionally that was a big step but obviously it made absolutely no physical difference! So, you're right, it is very important to congratulate ourselves but also important to continue pushing after we've had one success.
Keep up the hard work, I know you can do this!!
Sarah
sweetie!! we are so going to kick this illness in the butt! but before we do we gotta eat, no way around it. I know how hard it is to eat when you're not hungry, stomach is full of air and everything just sucks. But i found that If i actually ate in these moments where anorexia is screaming the most I also get the strongest feeling of control over the illness. I am literally saying 'fuck you anorexia, i am eating this and no matter what you do I will eat my meals today.'
ReplyDeletei really think it is good for us to stikc to a fixed meal plan right now. I eat also when I feel I am about to pop. I always finish my meal even if my stomach hurts so much. It's a process and we need to get used to eating like this again. I know we can do it love!