WOOPWOOP!!

and i think you all know what that means!!! :-p

Yup, it is the day after the night before and guess what!? IM STILL ALIVE! i havent suddenly exploded or gained a ton of weight. NO, im still me. same old same old, regardless of my dinner lastnight... which might i add, was rather tasty! :-)

Yeeee, i conquered stage one. now im not going to toot my horn TOO much cos it wasnt perfect by any means.... i did get scared, i didnt eat what would be considered a "normal" amount even tho i did try my best and i may or may not have put more on mums plate in an attempt to feel better cos i knew she was having more... (Ok, yes. i admit to that, im being honest ok!! And i was never trying to say i was perfect!)

But... Surely the main point is that i HAD it?!

I felt good, but i also felt a bit like a cheater. AGAIN im being hard on myself, i need to stop doing this, punishing myself for not doing better... cos im doing what i can and i AM trying. Thats enough for me right now, as long as i know that i am making steps in the right direction, then im gonna stop striving for some kindof perfect recovery. Cos who can judge what perfect is?! theres no right or wrong way to gain as long as you DO... the things you eat and the rate that you gain is subjective, in the same way that we are all unique in our own way, the approaches we have and the actions we take are the same. UNIQUE. i need to remember that when i start reading about another article about what the latest skinny celeb has eaten for breakfast!!! :-p

SO, i am not resting on my laurels (what does that even MEAN?!?!?) Cos today was hard. Not, strangely, because i felt that i needed to compensate for last night, but because i always find it hard to keep going when ive done something different, its like i always slip back for a moment, then have to get myself back to normal. Cos if im honest... lastnight was fine! i didnt feel that full or bloated or icky... (i think subconciously, i balanced it pretty well in terms of higher density lower bulk) i even still had space for my usual pud and cereal without feeling too uncomfortable!

Which by the way, i think this is the key to success for the time being, cos when i FEEL overly full, i get freaked out, no surprises there. But weirdly (and i talked about this in therapy) if im full to pop and bloated out with fruit or veg, i dont feel bad... cos i tell myself that if its just fruit/veg then its not be bad for me and wont do anything bad or turn to fat. Whereas heaven forbid i shud eat something "bad", cos then my mind almost creates this feeling of fullness, of grossness, of uncomfortableness (i KNOW thats not a word, but roll with it!) and i find it hard to justify having eaten it. its a psychological hurdle that im still figuring out how to hop over, but i'll get there. Its just another obstacle to overcome... eventually ill be like one of those olympic hurdler who flies over those posts like they're not even there!

check out the faces on theses laydeees!

i think id like a slice of that kinda determination please :-)

Did any of you do hurdles at school? i remember me and a friend planned a "fake hurdles accident" so we could get out of running the long distance event! Ahh, always such a drama-queen... But yeah, I was never good at track events, i was a field girl at heart (and NOT just cos i was skiving behind the sports hut!) Give me a high jump pole and id flip right over it!!! I was just never much of a runner....

Anyway, where was i?!?! i seem to have lost my point (again) UMMM. *quick scroll back*, ahh yes today. today was hard. I have found another of my weak spots for restricting. When i have a full day at work, im fine. i have my lunch at lunchtime, i have snacks when im peckish, i have more when i get home... its a routine. its fixed. But what happens when that routine gets mixed up? well its simple... i get mixed up too.

I dont teach on tues afternoons, but usually im used for cover (as us teachers so often are in there free periods, GRR!) But today i was free as a bird. So i thought, well ill get to go home early, thats good! Then i thought, well i hud save my pennies for lunch tomo and just make something when i get home. (all fine and dandy so far) Then i thought, "oh i still have my gingerbreadcake cookies to eat from earlier, i better have them before i head home".

So i did, and they were yum! i popped them in our crusty staffroom micro and blasted them till they went all warm and squishy :-)

But then things started to go a bit pear shaped...

Mmm, this pear looks pretty tasty! Anyone else feeling hungry now?!

I got home and mum was there, which i didnt expect, so we got chatting for a while... i didnt want to make anything while she was there (i still get abit anxious and offput when people are around watching me make food) and by the time she'd gone again, the pooch was badgering me to take her out and my lunchtime urges had gone. I KNEW i shud still have made something, but i didnt :-( I wish i had, cos now im going to have to make it up at dinner... but something held me back.

Now im not gonna get down about this, cos there was a positive in this event (believe it or not!) Cos this time, instead of thinking, yay i can eat more at dinner and i havent eaten as much as i shud... I thought. DANG thats annoying, i could have done that.

I know that its easy to be caught off guard by unforseen changes in a routine, but thats not an excuse to let ED take a hold again. So after this realisation, i rang mum up and asked if we could push forwards our next dinner challenge to tonight. I had my eye on this new hotpot chicken dish that i found, its a different take on the usual roast chicken we do already. i need to experiment with different ways of cooking and different meals, so this is a good way to challenge myself but still eat the foods i love....

guess what, she agreed! So tonight comes recipe challenge numero DUO. two challenges in two days eh?! get me!

I know i could have waited and done it tomo, liked planned. But i just felt that i wanted to take back that control that ED robbed me off earlier today. Yes my routine changed and i reacted in a negative way... but now i am taking the incentive to change it again, and this time blieve me im gonna STICK WITH MY INSTINCTS!! I wont let one little hiccup get in the way of my week. im putting it behind me and carrying on. not starting again...! but carrying on with what i originally started :-)

hope you've all had a good start to the week!

and thankyou SO much

for ur continuing support

cos you guys

really are

fab

:-)

xxxx