must 'twigh' harder

S'up Sunday Peoples?!

Its been bleedin' freezing here today, but its quite a nice cold... a kindof CRISPY cold. whatevs, it feels like wiiiiiinter to meeeeee :-p

As you might have guessed, im back to my slightly irritating, chirpy self! I was abit of a downer last week what with all the shizz going down this end. I dont want to go into all of it in detail, cos its pretty depressing... but family struggles, food struggles, too much to think about at work and general BLEH-ness, made me an unhappy (and super-stressed) bunny. But hey ho. what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. hehe... that motto will kick me in the face one day im sure of it.

So unfortunatly, i find myself in a rocky place right now. I had a slip up during the week and as my previous post stated... i ended up in my therapists office in tears (note to self, take OWN tissues... those scratchy cheapo excuses for tissues nearly made my eyeballs cry out extra in response!) Im finding it very hard to get my motivation back on track. Im getting there and ive gotta say, im nothing if not optimistic. i dont like to wallow in self-pity, im a get up and get on kinda girl :-) But i will confess that i find it hard to admit when im finding things hard. yougetme?! i dont like to admit that things are not going well, that im struggling. and thats something i REALLY need to fix. cos if i get too proud to ask for help, then i end up on a slippery slope.

So i talked to my therapist. i did the right thing (so i thought) but saying that im not coping very well. that the situation at home and with my sis is affecting me more than i seem to be able to manage and that it is affecting my chances at recovery. PHEW. i said it!

What did they do?! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! i said that altho i am keeping myself afloat for now (just) But being at work and having my set routine is the main thing thats keeping me going, i need to eat if im gonna be able to teach a full day. but im not strong enough to get back to challenging myself much... and i really dont know what im gonna do when term finishes and i have 4weeks of nothing stretching ahead of me. Nothing but anxiety about my family situation, nothing to distract me, to say im worried about relapsing is an understatement... especially in this state of mind. To think that last week i was feeling so strong, so empowered against ED. i went out for the staff meal and had chips with my dinner!! id been increasing my lunch day by day and feeling ok about not walking the same amount everyday.... and now. Poof! all gone :-( i hate how quickly all that effort and progress can go up in smoke just cos i freaked out and let myself cope by turning to my ED behaviours to comfort me.

But its not a comfort, its a bloody pain in the ASS!!!

I am starting to try and put measures in place to get me through this break from routine... asking people if i can go stay with them so i dont have to be at home all that much. but i still think it will result in me being stressed around food/eating and ending up losing weight. Its a real worry for me right now... and my therapist and dietician had nothing to offer me in terms of support. I asked them about the option of going ip for a short stay, just to get me up and running and to effectively REMOVE me from the environment that will be my major trigger... but they said that i couldnt "dictate" an ip stay. they said id have to get through it as best i could and then we'd deal with the damage, afterwards... oh great. REAL help there. have they ever heard of damage control?!?! as in trying to PREVENT something from happening?! clearly not. i mean how much evidence do they need? every holiday so far, i end up restricting... im ashamed to admit it, but whenever im out of my "i need to eat for work" routine... every half-term, every weekend for gods sake... i slip up. i cant seem to do it by myself. i need to be MADE to do it. and nobody is making me.

So what do i do???

I spoke to the boy about my stresses yesterday and he was super-supportive. i didnt go into the whole eating shebang, but i explained my need to be away from the family situation for a while and how i get very anxious when im out of my structured routine and dont feel like i have any purpose... He said he would LOVE me to come and stay with him and he would take time off to occupy and distract me as much as i needed. AWWWW!!!! he even said if i wanted to stay for a "proper" xmas i could. His family do the whole thing, cutting down a tree, decorating the house, big family meal (eek!) but all the lovely festive things that i so love but dont get to experience any more. It does sound tempting (PLUS he said he'd do me a stocking, winner!!!) but i dunno... i guess id feel bad leaving my mum all alone with my sis. and now she's harping on about going away somewhere closer instead.... gah! its too much to think about :-p

In more day-to-day news. WE SAW TWIGHLIGHT!!!!!! i know its cheesy and whatever, but i like it. Im a big girl at heart :-) I have to say tho, it was pretty dark... some of the "childbirth" scenes were seriously gory (especially since it was a 12 certificate!!) but the thing that made me gasp the most, was the focus on Bella's weight-lose and deteriorating health when the vamp-baby was essentially starving her of nutrients. it was scary to see how emaciated she looked... there were some intense moments where i had to actually remind myself that i need to see this stuff to see how sick she looked, in respect to how I look. it was a stark reminder of health and how delicate it is. i know people were shocked seeing that, but its something i see everyday.... i just block it out. Well, seeing other people gasp and react with horror at her frail and bony body made me think HARD.

if i want to get better, i must try harder....

if i want to be healthy, i must TWIGH harder!!

Have any of you seen the film yet? what did you think about it?