waaah!

Sooo, its less than a WEEK to go till i up sticks to AUSTRALIAAAAAAA....

and woopdedoo - im excited, but holy potato - i have so much to do. I know logistically, its all totally doable. I have 5days, thats plenty of time!! Anyone can avoid stress by planning and organising and remaining totally calm and chilled... but this isnt anyone - this is ME. And i am the queen of putting things off and doing other things so that i dont have to do the thing that needs doing cos that would be WAY to sensible.... 

In a nutshell....

Plus, i seem to be stuck in this ever-growing cycle of popularity. It seems that when you are about to leave the country for a year, suddenly EVERYONE wants to be the "last person you spend time with..." and now dare i say - hanging out with friends has become almost a burden! (never thought id say that!) i used to relish being popular pre-ED, i juggled it like a freaking clown! but i was young then... and altho its fun and all, i do kindof feel like maybe i shud have SOME at-home-time to sort through things. After all - i havent even had a proper minute to think about writing a to-do list, let alone DOING that to-do list :s

Meh, im sure it will all be fiiiiiiiiine! 

(famous last words?!)

Another reason i need to scale back and stay home, is to recognise that i DO need to get used to staying in and getting stuff done, cos my ED loves the fact that im out of the house everyday - doing stuff, seeing people, keeping busy. Granted, Im not "formally" exercising, but my ED still clings to the fact that im not sat on my arse at home... and thats a big scare for me. Im still being active in a sense and that calms the exercise side of my disorder... its a hell of alot better than going out power-walking for an hour like i used to! But it still means that i find it hard to just stay home. Even if i walk over to my friends and then sit at hers... i justify that with not being at HOME. Which to be honest, would be way more productive! Sitting at my friends chatting? or staying home and deciding what to pack, or going through all my paperwork or writing a new CV... but basically anything that would mean that i didnt leave the house in a day = scary :(

Ive been thinking about how nice it will be when ive left all this "routine" behind. all these reminders and triggers... poof. Not that they'll be gone - dont get me wrong, im under no illusions that i can travel to the other side of the world and suddenly be "cured" of my ED. Hah, i WISH. but the simple fact that ill be away from HERE. i wont wake up every morning and have this ingrained routine that i could do with my eyes closed... i wont necessarily be able to do things the way my ED wants me to and i WILL have to adapt to new surrounding and people. Plus, when i get a job and have an early shift in a coffee shop (for example) ill have to be there early and therefore will have to roll out of bed and catch the bus there in speedy time. no half hour stretching followed by a lazy shower and then a LONG walk to work. I cant afford to feel guilty about losing those things either - cos i wont have that luxury! and lets face it - there not MY luxuries... theyre the anorexias'. 

Ahhh, my ED is gonna hate me....!!! but you know what, im gonna LOVE screwing it over. Its screwed me over enough times! So long suckaaaaah. Yup, without its habits (which are all very closely linked with living here at home, basically by myself) i know i will have a real chance to embrace normality and live like other people do. I know i will have to tell myself every day, shit - maybe every HOUR! that it is OK, it is SAFE and nothing bad will happen to me.... but i am determined to stay strong and im gonna fight against all the negative thoughts. Just as i have been doing lately... my confidence against anorexia is growing and im getting to the stage where i can choose MY way, not the ED way.... and that means choosing LIFE!!! and sometimes that also means doing the opposite of what feels "good".

RIGHT, i better stop now, cos i sense a ramble starting! and frankly - i have bedtime snacks to eat and then folks, i need me some SLEEP!!! tomo night is the first in my weekend leaving shenanigans :p Ive gotta start prepping for the australian YOLO lifestyle (ohmygod, did i actually just say YOLO on my blog?! GAH. just shoot me now, clearly im too far gone.... :p)

Update in the next few days (well, if i make it through the weekend...) Wish me luuuuuck!!! xxx